Donnie Jaye 02

Donnie Jaye 02

Hey there, it's me, Donnie Jaye and I'm back to at least tell you a little something about me since my last chapter centered so much on my revenge, well, my attempts at getting trash talking revenge since I'm not even sure that I got any revenge, but um, I already posted on Chang that I got my trash talking revenge on Robert Roberts, so, that's in the history books now whether it's true or not.

So, I started out way, way, way, way back by reddening my lips in class with cinnamon candies and that worked well enough back then and since my dark hair is a little thicker, I mean, once I hit high school and discovered an exhaust fan outlet behind the gym building, I mean, that's when I started to blow out my hair before History class and even if that might sound a little funky, that worked too!

And a big shout out to my trusted friend, Theadore, well, Theo, for standing guard with me as I bent over and leaned into the exhaust fan outlet vent opening thingy for my daily blow outs! I mean, Theo was so gracious about it and even rubbed my back and held me bent over for as long as possible to get the best blow out possible and OMG, tee he, he even had these code words if someone was coming because if someone was coming, I mean, he would push my head down and go all "argh, ooh, argh, ugh, ugh, ooh, ahh" when it was time to, um, um, hey, wait a minute!

[Blinks blankly at the video camera because it just hit Donnie Jaye that dear ole Theo wasn't standing guard and holding Donnie Jaye bent over as much as he was... SOB!]

SOB! I mean, that SOB! Um, I might have to side track my continuing story, folks, while I track down my old asshole faggot friend, Theo and you know, kill him! Standing guard, my hah!

[Um, Theo is in Cell Block D for scamming senior citizens as his senior class project, so. Also, the gruff men of Cell Block D have been enjoying Theo's company, the end]

Um, well, maybe just one quick side track and I'll be right back.

[The reception area of the Middleton Prison]

"Ma'am, missy, ma'am, I'm sorry, but there is no such thing as a cute and frilly gift basket of various and sweeter than sweet smelling body washes in prison, no matter how badly you want your revenge victim to "smell delightful" for his cellblock roomies, so, thank you for stopping by the prison and come back another with a cake and bring your cake too and have a nice day, so?"

"Oh, well, can I still make a donation to the underground tattoo artist in Cell Block B, so that he can tattoo "Be My Daddy" across my old friend's forehead then [starts to rip check out of checkbook], hmm?"

"Oh, that, you can do, ma'am missy ma'am [grabs the personal check donation], so, thanks for stopping by and have a nice [ping, an incoming prison phone text], oh, oh, ahem, ma'am missy ma'am, I'm forced to confiscate this gift bucket of body washes because prison guard, Helen, thinks they will make for a sex lube substitute while she's making her prison night rounds [Ping! OMG, you're such an idiot incoming text on the prison phone!] oh, oh, oh, ma'am, missy ma'am, these fancy bottles of sweet body wash are contraband and I have to confiscate them right now and that's my story!"

[Snatches the frilly and fancy bucket of body wash sex lube substitute lotion]

Well, I only buy the best body wash, so.

[Ping, seriously, one more incoming text from a prison phone?]

"Oh, ma'am, missy ma'am, I mean, I mean, it's possible that a couple of the female guards here at the prison would like to know what hair salon you use for your hair blow outs, I mean, yeah, this is my life as the prison front door guard!"

Well, from my last chapter, I mean, from my time in the Cog Wheel factory, I mean, I know how to walk up a set of steel steps and chit chatted with the lady guards.

"Well, SOB, you mean all we had to do was to suck a couple prisoner cocks a mere 30 steps to the east under the laundry room exhaust vent, SOB! Well, don't worry, sweetie, tee he, we'll make sure your fag revenge gets taken care of, tee he, right boys of Cell Block D?"

"[Steel bars start rattling] Donnie Jaye, Donnie Jaye, get me [oomph, oomph, slam, slam] out of here [thrust, slam, slam, take turns, slam, ugh], Donnie Jaye, don't just walk away, Donnie Jaye [slam, slam]!"

Well, um, back to me then.

Oh, tee he, wait since guard Helen mentioned the prison laundry room because I feel sorry for that crew since, tee he, Theo always had that bladder control issue, tee he, complete with a wet spot, tee he, when he would firmly hold me under my makeshift blow out hair dryer, tee he, wait, that SOB!

[Blinks blankly at the video camera because it just hit Donnie Jaye that dear ole Theo didn't have crotch wet spots because of bladder control issues! SOB!]

Well, I had a quick conversation with Wolfblood Eyes, the underground prison tattoo artist in Cell Block B and accidentally tease twerked his prison bars as I finished explaining what font and style of lettering I would prefer and left the building, so.

Anyways, I ended up with pretty decent hair, so, I keep it longer and straight and you know, blown out. And I actually wished I was a little taller since I don't wear heels much, but I get by, I suppose, since that's not up to me anyways and I'm disappointed with my elbow skin, but I might not be alone in that area, but praise be the 3/4 sleeve, right? And skin cream, of course. Oh, and sun tanning lotion in a pinch, which, tee he, I figured out back in sports.

"Jason, why is the Strip so vacant tonight, hmm? Is this how it is on Saturday nights, hmm?"

"Oh, the crowd is a little light tonight, Donnie Jaye, because of a reported attempted prison break because it's been reported that someone walked up and down the corridors while shaking a cake and I've heard that cake didn't have a file in it, but some prisoners are hell bent on slipping a file in that cake, so?"

"Oh, well, maybe we should leave the Strip tonight and go somewhere else then, like to the movies or you know, to Paul Paulson's party or something, so?"

I mean, I was never going to get a solo invite to Paul's mixer, any of them, but it's totally legit when you sneak in while hiding behind someone with shoulders as wide as Jason's, right? I mean, I was dressed appropriately (long jeans) and I could hide behind Jason for 15 minutes before anyone even knew I was there and once you're there, you're there, am I right?

And for the record, huh, that was the first time I ever sat next to someone in an SUV as a date, no matter how casual the date was and neither of us died from that, so, huh, dating might be better than the horror stories that I've always made up in the mind to keep my status at rookie.

"Um, Jason, what are my eyes seeing in front of me, hmm? Is this one of Paul's mixers or the end of the world, hmm?"

"Oh, Donnie Jaye, it's called people mingling and milling about and having fun with beer cups in their hands. It was invented just after sliced bread, so?"

"Oh, well, sliced white bread isn't the best choice anymore, Jason, but, um, where are the escape pods for when people start to make fun of me, hmm?"

"Oh, after sliced bread, they invented ignoring the haters with a turned-up nose and walking away to the next group of people, I mean, what did you study in History class, huh, Donnie Jaye?"

Well, I just had a fresh hair blow out before History class, so, my history book had a mirror taped on page 136.

"Well, fine, are there any expectations from your end for the casual date ride and the sneaky entrance to the mixer, hmm, Jason?"

"Well, historically speaking..."

Great! Because I'm pretty sure they invented casual date ride front seat blow jobs while sprouting a hair blow out before they invented sliced bread, right? But I didn't fact check that because I have absolutely no idea when sliced bread was invented.

And you know what, folks, I'm just going to skip over a couple of things right now because absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing happened at all.

"Ahh, that was the best front seat blow job that I ever had, Donnie Jaye!"

"[Gulp] well, then that was the first front seat (fake) blow job you ever had, Jason [gulp, ick, ewe], so?"

"Tee he, it was my first blow job, Donnie Jaye! I just turned in my nerd card last week when I found out that someone invented other sex than whacking off in the basement! Also, I think I expected something a little different, but it worked and I'm not complaining!"

Yep, that's my first boyfriend, folks. Jason, the newly ex-nerd, who thinks that whacking off at the human head that merely started to lean down below the steering wheel was actually a blow job more than a hand blast off because there was a human mouth in close proximity. But I tasted him, so, what?

"Jason, are you going to pass out now, hmm? Jason?"

"(Snore, snooze, ahh, snore, snooze, ahh, snore, snooze, ahh, I invented something, snore, ahh)"

Well, I don't know how, but I got up the nerve to exit Jason's SUV and make my own way to Paul's mixer all by myself, but only because someone invented that movie scene where the victim nervously walks alone while gripping their arms tightly across their chest and nervously looking back and forth as they waited for the bad guy to prance on them.

"[A very gentle shoulder tap] hey..."

"[Jump] Ahh! [Jump] Ahh! [Jump] Ahh! Oh, oh, I mean, hey, Junior, I mean, I just stepped on a nail or something and I mean, I mean, I have half of an invite to be here, so, um, you can't kick me out, so?"

[Junior inspects the sidewalk for rusty nails and only spies tiny teeny twigs that might look like rusty nails, but they are not the same and that's why the invented rubber sole high tops anyways]

"Oh, well, Donny, I mean..."

"Donnie, Donnie Jaye, Junior, so?"

"I mean, Donnie Jaye, I mean, I heard that you were looking for me last anyways, so, I mean, here we are, at the same mixer, so, I mean, we should get your foot elevated because that's what they do in the movies and that's why they invented those outer limits man stool thingamabobs anyways, so?"

"Oh, I mean, I was looking for you last week, Junior because I've heard that you're the fence guy and I need a section of fence along the side of my carport because the fag OG next door found out that they invented binoculars and OG muscle shirts and I need a spy proof fence, so, I need a fence guy, Junior."

"I mean, alright, but we shouldn't we start out with the obvious formalities first, Donnie Jaye because I can't help but to notice that your lip gloss has improved since back on the playground, I mean, it still seems to be the same shade, but, um, it's prettier and shiny, so?"

"Oh, my rights to melted cinnamon candy lip gloss expired, Junior, but thanks for noticing that they invented real lip gloss after graduation, so, my OG fag spy proof fence, then, hmm? And it feels like I should be holding a red plastic cup, so?"

"I mean, I guess we can skip over the "remembering the good old days" formalities by not recognizing how you evolved past wearing jock straps as a thong to make your hair blow out feel even better..."

I did not invent that one, folks! That one was invented when cross dressers had like two choices.

"And just how would you know that I wear thong undies most of the time then, hmm, Junior?"

[Pause for a brief outbreak of laughter]

"(Giggles) well, what type of fag OG next door spy proof fence are you thinking about, Donnie Jaye, huh?"

"Oh, Junior, like three sections of that "in and out" style fence, so?"

"(In and out like how they invented sex?) Um, come again, Donnie Jaye?"

"Junior, that back-and-forth style. What kind of fence guy are you, hmm? Back and forth."

"(Back and forth like how they invented blow jobs?) Donnie Jaye, I think we need to get these tight jeans off of you and elevate your legs because you might be suffering from rusty twig blood poisoning, so?"

"Ugh, Junior! [Tap, tap, tap, internet search, tap, tap, photo example, ah-hah, oh, oh] well, I meant a basket weave woven wattle fence and you should have been able to read between the lines with my rookie explanation since you're the fence guy, Junior, so?"

"Tee he, are you feeling woozy, Donnie Jaye?"

"Well, I'm suffering from tree twig blood poisoning and all, Junior, so?"

Well, I mean, that was my second legit casual date of the evening, right? I mean, Junior walked us to Paul's back patio, sat us at a small little table and he even got me a red plastic cup of water, so, that's legit, am I right, folks?

"Shadow box, Donnie Jaye, you'll do better with a shadow box style fencing because the wattle types still provide the fag OG next door perfect eye spy slits all along the length of the fence, so, who is the fence guy now, huh [tap, tap, tap, search, ahh, the perfect photo example, tap]?"

I mean, I didn't know that someone invented side by side photo comparisons to make an informed decision, so.

"And, Donnie Jaye, with some squared off "S" hooks from the garden and crafts store, I mean, they will hook right over the edges of the spaced planks on your private side of the shadow box fence where you could hang a garden hose or your high tops to air out or dry and you know, maybe your bikini, so?"

"Well, damn it, Junior, when did they invent squared off "S" hooks anyways? (And I wish I had the nerve to wear a bikini outdoors, so.)"

"Oh, so, you wear one indoors then, Donnie Jaye, huh?"

"Junior, shush with that and get me 1/4 cup of real beer! You know, to fight off my twig bark poisoning, so?"

"[Cha-Ching, a future side job and a blow job!] Coming right up, DJ!"

[Swoosh, plop, chair scooch, a seat filler like they invented for the award shows]

"Hi, Donny."

"Oh, oh, Kara, Kara, I promise you that I never tried to challenge your lioness hair back in school with my makeshift hair blow outs behind the gym from the exhaust vent, so, I mean, I swear, it was never a challenge, so, um, it's Donnie Jaye, okay, Kara?"

"And that looks about right to me, Donnie Jaye and I never took your makeshift hair blow outs as a challenge since, I mean, with my safari hair and all [a huge brush back of safari lioness hair], so, I'm actually here to apologize to you, Donnie Jaye because..."

Well, I passed out because nobody has ever, ever, ever apologized to me before. Never, never even once.

"[Slap-slap-slap] Donnie Jaye, Donnie Jaye, can you see, Donnie Jaye? Say something Donnie Jaye!"

"[Grumble] oh, I see, I see, I see, ahh, ahh, ahh, the lions got loose from the zoo! Oh [grumble], I mean, um, hi, Kara, did I pass out?"

"[Plop drop] everything is fine, folks, nothing to see here, okay, break it up people."

Well, when you're all woozy and stuff and all that lioness hair is hanging down and, um, shut it! I pass out a lot, so, what?

"Alright, get up [ugh, lift, ugh], Donnie Jaye [plops down in patio table chair]! Anyways, listen little DJ, I'm apologizing for a couple of times back in the day at the Roller Rink because I may have engaged in a couple of rumors about..."

Oh, oh, after my evolution of using hard red candies to brighten my lips and then later using the gym's exhaust fan as a blow out hair dryer, I mean, the acceptable roller rink attire was vacuum packed and sealed form fitted outfits and that was not only was that the normal, it was legit all the way around. And maybe our schools Wrestling team had a couple of extra small wrestling uniforms that were never going to be used and maybe our school colors were a good match for me, so, yeah, I improvised almost everything for my inventions!

"A couple of rumors about your skinny body in a wrestling thingamabob uniform, but I take that all back now seeing how you filled out, so, friends again then, hmm?"

I mean, the only reason I didn't pass out was because my energy was being used to keep me from crying because not only had nobody ever apologized to me before for anything, I mean, and then Kara sounded so nice about it, right?

Also, I passed out anyways.

"[Slap-slap-slap] Donnie Jaye, Donnie Jaye, stop passing out, Donnie Jaye! I'm inviting you to my pool party next weekend and [slap-slap-slap] you can wear half of what you initially lay out before you end up covering up, Donnie Jaye? Donnie Jaye!"

"[Grumble] oh, I mean, Kara, I mean, I mean, I mean, like I can wear just activewear, hmm?"

"[Plop drop] well, I mean, I was thinking more like what you wore to graduation under our gown and all, but, yeah, two pairs of activewear then, Donnie Jaye [slap-slap-slap] and that's for quick humping my legs just now as you lifted yourself up off of the patio bricks [slap-slap-slap]!"

Well, I never Kara uninvite me and I heard one modest pair of activewear shorts under a booty shorts style over, so, um, yeah, that was two casual dates and one, um, well, in my blog, Kara was hitting on me and that's my story!

"[Slap-slap-slap] Donnie Jaye, Donnie Jaye, stop babbling stupid! But a nice pair of booty shorts over would be okay [plop drops again]."

And that's why they invented permission slips, folks!

"[Slap-slap-slap] also (psst, it's only swimming that needs an hour of wait time, Donnie Jaye, swallowing just needs a few sips of a beverage from a cup in between! That's why they invented red plastic cups and I think Sammy likes what he sees all sprawled out and all passed out with blown out hair on the patio [plop drops again]!"

I mean, I'm pretty sure that's not why they invented red plastic cups!

"[Barely a grunt while lifting the teeny tiny Donnie Jaye] are you okay, Donny?"

"[Grumble] I mean, I mean, I mean, is that you, Sammy Poo? I'm all woozy from being slapped back to consciousness so much and from twig bark poisoning in my left foot and my vision is poor!"

"Oh, then we need to get you out of these tight jeans, Donnie Jaye and up into Paul's pole barn hay loft then, pronto!"

[Donnie Jaye snatches a red cup as Sammy Poo carries him up the steps to the hay loft]

Oh, that scene is in plenty of movies and that's why they invented hay lofts!

But somebody needs to invent partitioning up in the hay lofts. Not that anyone flinched much.

End Donnie Jaye 02