Eat It and Love It

Of course I said I would but told her there was no rush for her to find a place, that I´d like to see her as healthy as possible before she lived alone and that it really was no imposition having her stay. In fact I admitted that I´d enjoyed spending time with her, once her rage had gone.

It clearly had gone after the stroke, if was like something had switched on this near maniacal wish to dominate me and then when she couldn´t, it started a fury within her. The stroke seemed to have blown the fuse of whatever had caused the storm within and she had again become the woman I´d loved for 15 years.

Since her stroke she had returned to normal in all senses but the physical effects of the stroke. It seemed that although she would continue to improve, she was likely to have lasting effects such as walking with her stick and a general weakness on her left side and still that visible droop on the left of her face. It made her smiles lopsided, but it was good to see smiles had returned to her face.

The hunt for somewhere to live was not easy, with her physical problems, places that she liked just had too many problems for her to deal with on her own. After another frustrating day when we sat to have coffee in the late afternoon, I turned to her and said, "Jackie, I don't want you to live alone, I know we divorced but the stroke made me realise that even after everything, the cross words, the break up of our marriage the blazing public shouting, Jackie. I still care for you and want the best for you.

I never thought I'd ever say this again, but I would worry about you on your own. Stay and let me take care of you some more."

And that is what happened. Three years later she is still with me. She is still disabled to an extent and always will be. We regained our friendship, but it was mainly platonic, seldom but just very occasionally carnal and we settled into a new coexistence. She occasionally asks me if we can ever be more than this. I tell her I just don't know but I´ve rediscovered my fondness for her, I cant make any promises and that I just don't know if that love will ever return.

She says she never stopped loving me, even though our worst times and her crazed anger. She rationalises that if she hadn´t still loved me that anger wouldn´t have been there, hurting her heart every time she saw me. She says she just couldn´t control herself or that deep-seated anger.

I´ve suggested that it was not normal and that really she could do with some counselling to understand why she allowed something quite innocuous to destroy what we had both held dear for so long. She doesn't disagree but says she has so much on her plate right now after the stroke that she couldn't think of dealing with other problems. I told her that I´d go with her someday if she thought it would help her.

She never mentions creampies anymore. The damage was just seismic, the memories linger, we still really can't get past that and I doubt I ever will. What a fucking waste, thinking on it now just makes me so frustrated.

We are two people damaged by an insane disagreement we allowed to fester; we coexist but neither of us are living the life we want. We remain tied by a long affection, our desire to be together muted but still strong enough, despite terrible conflict and divorce.

As time passed, I knew that I do want to love her, I just don't think I can, it´s too damaged if it´s still in me at all and so we continue our bizarre relationship. After her stroke, I just can´t find it in my heart to leave her behind, 15 years of her love earned that loyalty and support from me despite divorce.

Author´s note: Well I warned you, if you´ve got this far you probably are as disappointed with this story as I am.