Eloise

"'Member when we were little and we had to share a bed before papa had me a room built on behind the shop? 'Dore he switched me?" he asked softly.

"Yeah," I answered, remembering it. "You used to take the whole pillow and not share it. Said I didn't need one."

"You always put off heat like a furnace in the summer! I always made it down to the floor just to get away from how hot you always were."

"Then you learned to read and kept a candle burning most the night to stay up and read. Papa got mad that you were so tired come mornings and he didn't know why. You said if I told on you, you'd burn my doll up in the oven."

Sam chuckled. "That doll was so awful looking, I had nightmares about it myself. Used to dream it was staring at me and if I looked away, it would blink and grin like it had a scary secret. I just knew that little yarn mouth was full of real sharp teeth."

"You read too many ghost stories and imagined too many scary things. Mama made her herself."

"It was ugly. Almost as ugly as you."

I smiled as I yawned, for once not terrified and alone in the empty room.

I still had nightmares, Sam waking me twice in the night from them.

Three more nights he came in, then on the fourth morning, Buel was coming out of his room as we came out.

"What's this?" Buel demanded with a scowl. "We don't hold with that sort of nonsense here! It's against..."

"No sir!" Sam cried, horrified. "No sir, it's not like that at all! It's..."

"I've been having nightmares," I told him quickly. "And I haven't been able to sleep. And it's been so cold... and I've just been lonely and afraid. He saw how tired I was and how I hadn't been sleeping and he just bunked in next to me like he used to when we were little. It's all innocent, I swear! Sam would never... neither of us would!"

"She's my sister," Sam spat angrily, glaring up at the giant man.

"Don't stop some folks," Buel rumbled. "Nightmares about the man I killed?"

"Yes," I agreed.

"You'll stay in your own room from now on," Buel told Sam. "I catch you sneakin' in here, what's to stop you from sneakin' in with my Gracie?"

"I'd never do that! And El's my little sister, I was just protecting her! There's no one else here to do it!"

"You just stay to your room till Gracie's old enough or I'll drag you back down the mountain tied to a horse! No arguin'! Go on!"

I fled to the kitchen to help, horrified. Did he really think those awful things? With my own brother?

That night when I went to bed, Buel was there. Without a word, he motioned me out and across the hall to his room. Terrified, I went in and he followed, but ignored me as he got ready for bed. I got down to my shift, hiding from him, but he blew out the lamp without looking my direction and got into his huge bed.

"Lay down," he demanded after a moment.

I climbed into his bed from the end and laid on the other side, feeling sick to my stomach. Buel tossed half the blankets over me, then rolled with his back to me and went to sleep. I lay there a moment, but I was warm and I felt safe.

I was next to the man who had saved me.

There was no safer place in the whole world.

Closing my eyes, I fell asleep with a sigh.

When I woke and stared at the window, I was surprised as I lay there. I hadn't dreamed, not at all that I could remember. No bad dreams.

Buel got up without a word and got dressed and I followed suit, yanking my dress on quickly.

That became the new normal. Buel kept me warm and protected at night while I waited for Colt to come back. The bad dreams stopped and I stopped feeling so lonely and unwanted.

Christmas came and went and Sam and Gracie were married in front of the huge hearth, Malachai reciting from the bible and saying the words over them. There was a huge celebration, even bigger than there was for Christmas.

There was a present for me under the tree, but no one owned up to putting it there. Part of me wondered if Colton had slipped it in and left again. It was a pocket sized journal and pen and that made me think it had to be Sam. He was the only one who knew me so well, but he swore it wasn't him.

Spring came and with the thaw, Malachai and Jeremy made a trip down to one of the towns on the other side of the mountain.

An hour after they were gone, Colton showed up with a sled full of furs.

I stared from my spot near the fireplace, all the kids arrayed in front of me as he came in.

"Colt!" Gracie cried, jumping up. "You're home! You JUST missed Malachai but he'll be back tomorrow night!"

"Gracie," Colt mumbled, then cut his eyes over to me. "You look well," he offered, looking uncomfortable.

"Colt," Buel snapped irritably, coming in the door. "That was ill done! Taking off like that without a word! After you bring a girl home to marry, you just leave her!"

"I told her I'd be back!" Colt scowled, "and I am! It's fine. Then, now, doesn't matter," he grumped. "I need to get them furs packed up." Turning, he hurried back out the door.

Buel gave me a look, looking like he was upset for me as I stared, my mouth still open.

Was it time? When Malachai got back, would I finally be married?

In the morning, Michael came in at breakfast, his face red as he looked at me. Going to Buel, he leaned in. "Colt left again, said since Malachai wasn't here there was no reason for him to stay. Said he'd be back soon when Malachai was here."

Buel snorted angrily, then looked at me. "It's fine. You're fine," he snapped, but he seemed angry as hell as he finished, then stormed out.

That afternoon, I saw the second oldest brother, the huge brother that was unmarried and wanted it that way that I'd only seen twice now. He was as large as Colton and where Colton was quiet, Ben was quiet and angry. He came in and leaned in close to listen to Buel, who whispered to him. Ben gave a nod and left without a word.

As it got warmer, I wondered if Buel would send me back to the huge, lonely bed alone, but he said nothing at all when he came in and I was already in his bed like most nights. He usually stayed up later than I did.

A week later, Ben returned looking more pissed than usual, moving to speak to Buel at the table. Everyone was quiet as they watched him and he wasn't very quiet about it at all.

"Found him up at the northeast trapping station, and... he's not alone. There's a man up there with him, one of the Corwins from the other side of the mountain. They're living together as... partners."

Dozens of sets of eyes swiveled to me as my heart dropped into my stomach and nausea billowed up. Buel set his lips in a grim line as he gave Ben a terse nod.

"Go up and tell'm to get his ass home. Now. Don't say anything about me knowin', just tell him he's needed at home right away. Go," he growled as I jumped up and fled back to the empty room and the huge bed.

Tears fell freely and I didn't feel like trying to jump up into the bed, so I got down and rolled under it, sobbing into my arms on the floor.

The door eased open. "El?" Sam called softly. "El, you in here? It's empty," he called to the hall as he shut the door.

Half an hour later, the door opened again and immediately closed, but a moment later someone sat on the bed. "Come on out here, little one," Buel rumbled.

"I don't feel like it," I told him, heartbroken.

"It ain't your fault and it ain't about you. Come on out here, let's talk."

"I don't feel like it," I repeated, feeling lost.

"You make me get on my hands and knees to get you, I ain't gonna be happy," he growled.

"Please, Buel? Can I just have some time alone? I know it's not my fault and I know there's nothing for it, but it still hurts. My heart still hurts and I just... I just want to grieve for a while."

"Why? What've you lost? You ain't lost nothin', little one, ya don't need to grieve. He ain't been here since day one, he ain't been nothin' to ya at all. Even back in your town, ya never looked at him like ya loved him. Ya just looked like ya hoped he'd love you. Like he'd save you. You don't feel no kinda way about him, I know. I saw. Just like I saw the second my Gracie laid eyes on Sam and him her. You two never had that kind of look about you. He just saw someone who wanted to escape and who'd serve his purposes. He wouldn't just tell me no like Ben did, he made me think he just couldn't find the right one and he wanted it. I read'm wrong. He did want love, he had it even, he just didn't want to tell me about it, afraid I'd be ashamed of him. So he brought you in to put under my nose so I'd leave off. Come on out here, I don't like talkin' to someone I cain't see."

"I'm not mad at him, my heart just aches. Maybe I didn't love him, but... I thought... I thought he wanted me. Wanted to marry me and he didn't care that I wasn't as good as other women. Didn't care that I might not be able to have kids. It was never about that, it was just him tryin' to fool everyone. Use me because I needed away and you saved me. He knew I couldn't stay there and that I wouldn't mind being used because I'd be safer here."

"I can hardly hear ya! Come on out here, little one, or I swear I'll come down there and drag ya out."

Sighing, I rolled out from under the bed and stood up, hugging myself.

"Good. Now dust off'n go out there'n read to them little'n's. They're out there just hoverin' and waitin on ya, not understandin' why they cain't have their favorite part of their day."

Nodding, I went out front to read to the kids, still feeling upset. It did distract me though.

That night, I climbed into bed early and Buel came in early as well, while I was still sitting up and braiding my hair.

"Still have a heavy heart?" he asked, pulling his shirt off.

"Been trying not to think too much about it," I told him, looking away quickly when he unfastened his pants. I was usually facing the wall when he got undressed and he didn't usually go down to only his underdrawers. It was getting warmer though. "What was it like?" I asked softly when he climbed into bed and blew out the light. I stayed sitting up as I finished braiding my hair in the dark. "Being married I mean?"

"You never saw your folks?"

"They weren't really like other people. Mama got sick when I was born and Papa just... pretended she didn't exist most the time. Unless he was tellin' me or Sam to help her with something. I never saw him do the things the books talk about. Holding hands. Kissing. None of that. They didn't even sleep in the same bed, him down by the shop and her up on the couch near the kitchen."

"You ever been kissed, little one?"

"Papa used to kiss my head when I was little. Mama kissed my cheek all the time... Abby Littrell kissed my lips once when we were pretending to be the boys we liked, but it just felt off and strange. I felt like it was wrong and I was ashamed of it for a long time."

"Never kissed a man? Henry didn't kiss you?"

"No... just hurt me. He didn't even really talk to me, just Papa. He always just stared at me and gave me these looks I didn't like. They made me feel sick at my stomach. Like he was thinkin' on how he'd like to hurt me."

"Man like him might've been. So you think what? You're trapped up here with no man to wed now and you'll never know those things? How to kiss, what it's like to be married? Be made love to?"

"Ben looked at me like he wondered if I'd be fun to kiss," I shrugged.

"Did he? I can see as he might. Ben... he aint like my other kids. He's... a half brother and a bastard. Woman I was with down the mountain on a visit right after I got married. It was arranged and I wasn't too happy at first, so I took off down the mountain and met a woman. Wife was pregnant at the time and told me she didn't have to perform wifely duties while she was with child, since that was the only reason she had to perform them. She was already with child, so she owed me nothing else till she had the baby and could get pregnant again. So I went down the mountain and when I met a woman with a nice smile and more than willing... I stayed with her a few days. Her own husband had passed a month into their marriage and she was all alone. We liked each other pretty well and she mentioned she'd like to come up the mountain and be my wife. I liked her more than my own wife by a long shot. So I thought I would go back and tell her I didn't want to be married to her no more, she could just go home like she wanted to so bad... Got back and she was having my first son. Up here all alone, having a baby early. I helped deliver him and thought it over... thought it over more and more and decided I didn't have the right to walk away from the woman I said vows to. Nine months later, a man showed up with Ben and handed him to me. Said his mom died having him and said he was mine. Well that just pissed my wife off to no end, but she fed'm and raised him like her own, but never let him forget growing up he wasn't hers. He was the git of some whore down the mountain. So Ben got angry and mean and don't like people much. He might think to have a kiss or two, but he'd get resentful real quick of a woman. Always claims they're spiteful and full of malice. He might want to have some nice moments, but nothing long term. Nothing forever. He's made it clear since he was 12 he'd never get married."

"Is he like Colton?"

"No, he don't like men neither. Not like that. He's just pissed at the world that my wife never did right by him after his mom died and it was no fault of his at all. It was my fault, but she took it out on him. Treated him like less. When I saw it I told her to stop, but she just got sneaky about it and I didn't know till my oldest was getting married and he told me. Ben had been taking off to run traplines and was gone more often than he was home, and I found out why. Doesn't really matter anyway, Ben may look at you like he'd like to steal a few kisses, but you are flat terrified of Ben. You don't look at him that way at all and you never could. Too much anger in him, just like the anger Henry had."

"You can tell all of that?" I asked, surprised.

"I'm usually good at reading people. Been practicing a long time. Misread Colton though, didn't have no idea. He never looked at his brother-in laws that way, or even his sister in laws. I watched. He never looked at anyone that way. Didn't know it was because he already had him someone and no one else could measure up. Seems obvious now the boy was already in love and didn't want nothin' to do with anyone else."

"So what now? Should I go back down to my folks?" I asked softly, a little fearfully.

"Do you want to? Aren't you happy here?"

"I don't want to... and I am mostly happy here? I love all the kids and the girls are all wonderful. The boys too, mostly. Everyone is so nice to me and they all include me like I am one of them."

"But?"

"But... I don't actually belong? Just because Sam is married to your daughter doesn't mean I am actually family here. I feel... out of place."

"Well you ain't, little one. Lay down now," he demanded, pulling me to lay down on the bed next to him.

I rolled to my side, facing him as I thought. "Buel?"

"You should get some sleep," he rumbled.

"Do you miss her? Your wife? Did you end up falling in love with her?"

"No, little one. She was a cold woman from the day I met her till the day she died. She was a good mother to her children, though, I'll give her that. And she was dutiful, always ready to give me another child right away. It was like she kept herself with child just so she never had to share a bed with me the rest the time."

"You didn't share a bed?"

"I'm speaking of sharing a bed as a man and wife. Making love."

"Oh. Does it bother you, me sleeping in here? Am I annoying you? I notice you don't let your other kids sleep in here with you, even when they have nightmares or are upset."

"No, little one, it's actually nice to share a bed again. Especially with someone who's actually pretty."

"Your wife wasn't? But your girls are all so beautiful!"

"They look like my mother, alla my kids look like my folks'n me. Not one looks like'r. Gracie got a bit of her light colored hair, but that's it. Her family, all of them had that white blonde hair and light blue eyes, pale complexion with their off way of speaking, so clipped'n terse. She was a lot of things, but pretty wasn't one of'm. Capable, strong, matronly. Not a pleasing site to wake up to, always slept with my back to'r for that reason."

"You sleep with your back to me!"

"Cause I ain't married to ya and you want your privacy. I'm here to be warm and keep you from nightmares, not to look at ya. Get some sleep, little one. Tomorrow might be a rough day."

"Do you think I should stay somewhere else tomorrow? Avoid him when he comes back?"

"No. You should be where you always are and nowhere else. It don't affect you none at all."

"But it does..."

"Not so far as he'll know. You're just fine without him. N'it ain't like you truly have feelin's for'm, you're just hurt that you was lied to'n used. Far as you're concerned, anythin' said or done ta him tomorrow don't affect you at all. He's a stranger that don't matter none. I want you to remember that, you hear me?"

"I guess," I answered, a little confused. How was I supposed to pretend he didn't matter to me? I was supposed to marry him and he'd never had any interest in me at all save to use me. Not only that, I no longer had any place here, I was just... a no-one. Unwanted and unrelated and a burden even.

"Sleep, little one," Buel rumbled.

I rolled to the other side as I sighed. For him it was so simple, but I couldn't just fall asleep, my mind wouldn't be quiet. It was working and working as I lay there staring at the wall in the dark.

"Sleep," Buel grumped again.

"Sorry! Am I keeping you up? Was I moving, or...?"

"Y'ain't sleepin! Yer layin over there all tense and upset."

"Am I bothering you? Do you want me to leave and go to the other room?"

"I want ya to stop stewin' on it'n sleep! Tomorrah's gonna be a long day."

"What if he gets mad at me for..."

"You don't even worry about that! He wouldn't do that and we wouldn't let'm if he did! Girl, I'm about to wear you out!"

"Oh... sorry," I whispered, unsure what he meant. Was he going to beat me? I went still, trying not to move a muscle as I lay there wondering if I should slip out and go to the big bed alone in the other room.

Buel growled as he sat up and his hand darted out, grabbing my shoulder as he shoved me hard to my back. I let out a whimpering squeak, ready for a blow or pain of some sort. I wasn't prepared for his face in mine, his giant hand on my face as he held me still and his mouth covered mine.

What?

His lips pressed to mine and I blinked in the darkness as my hands went to his massive face in shock.

He was kissing me? Is that what he meant? Wearing me out with kisses?

He was kissing me! I was being kissed! A real kiss...

His lips parted mine and his tongue darted in, making my heart hammer in my chest as his mouth shifted and his lips gently worked mine.

When he pulled back to look down at me, I stared up into the darkness where his face was, breathing heavily in stunned silence.

He'd just kissed me!

I'd just had my first kiss! And it was... incredibly nice. Even if he had just done it to shock me into thinking about something else and calming me down.

His lips brushed mine again, a gentle touch, before he laid down next to me again and put a giant hand on my hip across my body.

"Now sleep, little one, or I'll wear ya out a lot more'n that."

"By kissing me more?" I asked quickly, entirely too much hope in my voice. "I've never been kissed before! That was my first!"

Buel grunted, an amused sound. "That what you needin, little one? Distractin' and worn out?"

"It... it didn't wear me out, it was... more thrilling than tiring."