Eloise

"I can't do that to him!"

"We wouldn't expect ya to, El. We all know you have a fierce love for him... but we wanted you to know. There's gonna come a time real soon... in the next week, when he's gonna lay down to rest and not wake up. We think... you should say your goodbyes to'm. Maybe sleep next to' the next few nights'n be close. It's what we all want for each other,, we talked about it, and it's what he'd want too. Ya know it is. He wouldn't wanna lose everyone this way'n be alone in the world when he goes. It's no way for anyone ta go."

"I know," I sobbed, unable to argue with him. I wanted to, but I knew he was speaking truth. Buel would hate this.

I went with him to bed the next night, even though it seemed to upset him. Holding him close, I assured him it was alright and coaxed him into holding me, and then making love to me one last time. The next night, he needed less coaxing, he was tired and fell asleep with me holding him close.

He didn't wake.

I never asked which of them did it or what they gave him, that didn't matter. What mattered was that he wasn't completely alone yet. He still had his oldest kids, he remembered them at least.

The next few weeks were hard on me with everyone so dark and somber. The weight of his sickness stayed on the house and I knew all of them were thinking the same thing.

Was that waiting for them? Was that what would happen when they made it to his age?

I was still up the night the 11 oldest gathered around the table and made a pact with each other. If it started happening to any of them, the others would see them to sleep peacefully before they could forget their family.

That was a burden that made my heart ache as I watched them from the darkness of the hall. Would I want the same? I would, as I thought about it. It had to be terrifying to wake up every day and not know anyone or where you were. To be surrounded by strangers who expected you to know them.

Six months later, Ben came in and asked to speak to me. He hadn't said a word about it after his father had passed and treated me like he had when I was still his fathers wife. Asked me what was needed, where I wanted him, that sort of thing. I assumed he was about to ask me where I wanted him to go for the winter to trap, it was getting about that time.

Wiping my hands of flour, I hurried over to him and looked up at him as I considered it. "Colt and Abraham are going up to the ridge pass," I told him.

"I know," he cut in, interrupting what I'd been about to say. "It ain't about trapping. Anyhow, Clarence is going up this year. It's about us. Me'n you. Mal said he would say the words over us as soon as you felt like you was ready. I'm ready, so as soon as you say so."

Oh. Right.

I considered that a moment. I'd been focusing so long on Buel and what to do, then on keeping things going after he was gone. I'd been so afraid everyone would split off and want to move away. Not want a reminder of what might be lurking in the future for them.

"The way I figure it, the sooner the better," Ben went on. "I know yer hurtin' still, but... I can help ya forget. We can both help each other forget, cain't we? He told me. He told me after we talked all them years ago, about you tellin' him everythin'. Said he was glad it would be me here to take care of ya... An' I'm here now. Ta take care of ya. Ya hafta let me, though. Say yes, so I can get to it. Tommorrah is Sunday and it'd be a good day for him ta say the words, for us ta have a big celebration'n meal'n all. So agree so's I can tell'm all to set it all up. Have the women all cook'n bake'n everythin'."

I finally gave him a small smile, knowing that the longer I stayed quiet, the more stressed he was getting. He would just keep talking until suggestions turned into orders and it would all be set up and planned without me ever speaking.

He hesitated finally, looking over my face, then rolled his shoulders. "Alright then, I'll tell Mal'n them tomorrah then," he told me uncertainly. When I didn't object, he gave a slight nod and hurried away to find Malachai.

Turning, I went back to go help with dinner, trying to decide how I felt about this.

I'd told him almost 5 years back that I would... but I hadn't imagined the day actually coming. I also hadn't imagined how much my heart would ache over losing Buel.

Slipping out of the house, I grabbed my shawl and eased around the back to the little area sectioned off where family was all buried. Buel was there, his grave no longer fresh and new looking next to the older ones. He hadn't been buried next to his first wife, his sons had buried him so there would be a spot next to him for me when my time came.

Sitting down quietly, I huddled under my shawl and closed my eyes, picturing him in my mind. Trying to go back to before, when he wasn't afraid of me and confused by me. It was hard to do, to remember his smile and happiness before. Before his joy had been stolen from him.

"I know I made a promise," I whispered to him quietly. "But that was before. Before I got to know all of them as family. How do I tell him that it's not the same anymore, it's awkward? He's family now, marrying him would be... awkward. I should have said no, but I don't know what to do. He won't take well to no, we both know that. Maybe I should take a little time? Go back down the mountain and see my folks for a couple days? I'm sure my ma at least would be glad to see me. We need to make the trip before the snows come anyway... I think I'll do just that. Thank you, Buel."

Hurrying inside, I tracked down Colton. "I want to go down the mountain to see my folks while you get supplies. I know you were going to go to Junction City before you went to trap, but let Avery take Clarence down there and you take me back home."

"Ben's been telling everyone that..."

"I know... I will talk to Ben. I never told him yes, he just told me it was going to happen. I just need a little time and I want to see my ma just once before I get settled in again."

"If you don't want Ben," Colt shook his head, "you don't have ta have'm. You can say no."

"When Buel and I first got married, Ben came to me and..."

"I know all about that, we all do. Pa told all of us and so did Ben. That don't mean it has ta' be set in stone, El. You can say no if ya don't want it."

"I don't know what I want, Colt," I told him honestly. "Things don't feel like they used to back when I didn't know any of you. Now you're all like... sons to me. Or brothers at least. Something... it's hard to try and change the way I think of him."

"Then say no. I'll tell'm myself if ya want, if yer skittish about it. He might be angry but he'll hafta understand. Even if ya just wanna wait a while. A month or a year or two. He'll hafta understand!"

"I know," I told him softly, "but it's not that easy. It's just..."

"Ya don't need ta explain. Ya don't need a reason. I'll go tell'm now that we're fixin ta head down the mountain and you need time," he told me resolutely, then turned and left. "Be ready come mornin'!" he hollered over his shoulder. "First light!"

Smiling slightly, I went to make sure I had everything I needed ready. I was pulling out my good fur coat Buel had made me when Ben came storming in, Colt right behind him, angry.

"Yer leavin'?!? Ya said we was marryin' tomorrah! Sayin the words and havin' a big dinner'n all? Why...?"

"You said it, Ben," I told him gently. "I want time to think," I went on as Mal squeezed in with Jake and Avery behind him, like they were expecting to have to subdue Ben.

"What's there ta think on, El? Ya said it would be me, you made me a promise, remember? Back the day ya married Pa. Ya said it would be me, you'd marry me after he was gone! What's there ta think on?"

"I just need a few days to process it, to think about it, Ben. I want to go back and see my folks, my Ma especially. Colt's gonna take me down and after we get back, you and I will talk about things."

"There ain't nothin' ta talk about El!" he growled, his face red. "I been waitin'! Ya told me ta wait and I did! Ya cain't just decide now that it's time that ya wanna wait! Ya know how old I am? I been waitin' a long time to find me the right one!"

"You haven't," I shot back, angry myself now. "You weren't looking for a wife at all, you just happened to like what you saw when Buel brought me home. You never wanted a wife before then!"

"You don't know what I wanted!"

"You told me yourself, Ben! You never thought to have a want for a woman! You just happened to take a shine, but that's beside the point. Point is MY feelings have changed! You all feel like kin to me now! Maybe not sons really, but brothers at least! It feels awkward and different now."

"Different? I ain't done nothin' different or acted different towards ya! You all need to leave outta here so I kin talk ta El alone! I have somethin' I need ta show'r!"

"That ain't happenin'," Colt scowled, crossing his arms.

"I ain't gonna hurt'r! I'd not never hurt'r, I just need ta say somethin' personal is all!"

"It's fine," I told all of his brothers. "He wouldn't hurt me with all of you so close and he won't change my mind. I can hear what he has to say. Just step out, it'll be fine."

"We'll be right on the other side of that door," Colt told Ben, unhappy about it but listening to me. They all left with warning glares at Ben.

As soon as the door closed, Ben closed the distance to me quickly, pulling me up close. "I feel like kin to ya?" he asked darkly, standing me up on the bed and holding my arms below the shoulders.

"Let me down!" I whispered, not wanting the others to come rushing in if I yelled.

"Answer me!" he hissed back, one hand letting go and an arm going around my waist from behind to pull me in closer as he tilted his face down into mine. "I feel like some kinda kin to ya? A brother? A son? Somethin' like that?" he demanded.

"Yes, Ben, you all feel like..."

Ben growled and his other hand released my arm, but only long enough to slide up and grip my hair as he leaned in and pressed his lips to mine. He wasn't rough, or violent, but he was very insistent as his lips parted mine and he kissed me more thoroughly and passionately than Buel ever had. Buel was sweet and gentle kisses with passionate lovemaking and using his mouth in other beautiful ways. Ben's mouth was made for kissing. Had he practiced?!?

Objections flew out the window as my mind seemed to switch directions and I went from wanting to object and pull away to not remembering how to form a sentence.

When he pulled out of the kiss and leaned back just enough to look down at me, I could only stare up at him in wonder and confusion.

"I still feel like kin?" he demanded, his voice hoarse.

"I... I..." I stammered, trying to think, trying to process my own thoughts.

Ben smirked slightly, then leaned in again to take my breath away with more kisses. "Y'aint goin' nowhere, El," he rumbled finally, his lips on my temple as I tried to catch my breath. "Yer stayin' right here and we're gonna get hitched tomorrah. Ya don't feel no kinda kinship ta me, El, ya just need me like I need you. Lookit, girl," he demanded, taking hold up my chin and turning my face up to his. "Ya just want me fer a husband and ya don't understand it yet, ya feel like you owe the old man more time. He knows, El. He knows you loved him and he'd want ya movin' on and bein' happy. If you can..."

"El?!? You need help?" Colt demanded loudly from the other side of the door.

"No!" I called, still breathless as I looked up at Ben.

Ben's smirk broadened. "How bout I toss ya into that bed'n show ya some more ways we ain't kin?" he asked, moving his hand around to slide a thumb over my lower lip. "I heard talk about what you like. The old man was tellin' Sam the way of it, ta keep Gracie just as pleased. Then everyone was hearin' the way of it to keep their wives pleased... He talked about how much ya loved it and how nice it was when ya went all wilted on him and made yerself his. I aim ta make ya mine too, El. I'll show ya how hard I aim ta work to see ya more happy with me than you've ever been. Yer still all I want in this world... the old man got his time... now I want mine. Say yes, El."

"Ben... I do want to see my folks one last time and I..."

"Then I'll take ya. I'll take ya down and you can see that piece of shit you called a pa and he can hand yer hand over to me in front of the parson down there. We'll get it all done up right."

"Ben..."

"It's settled," he scowled. "I'll tell Colt it's me who's gonna take ya down."

Letting out a defeated sigh, I slumped.

Ben growled slightly, then yanked me in close and kissed me again.

When he finally let go, I did have to admit that I felt something when he kissed me. It didn't feel off at all, it felt good to let myself go and find that sort of pleasure in another's arms. It helped that he didn't feel or smell or taste anything like Buel. He was larger, his hands more calloused and he was clean shaven unlike Buel and most of his brothers. Even his black hair felt less coarse, more fine and soft than Buel's. I KNEW I was in the arms of another man and there was no comparison for me like I was afraid there would be. There would be no mistaking him for Buel, not ever.

That decided me.

He wasn't going to remind me of Buel and he definitely didn't feel like family in the wrong way. He felt... not quite right, but I thought there was a chance there for more.

For that chance, and for him, I would give him a shot. Giving him a small smile, I nodded. "Alright, Ben. You can take me down the mountain in the morning. I'll let Colt know. Let me down."

"Mebbe now I wanna keep ya right here," he rumbled, his thumb going to my jaw to rub gently.

"We'll have time," I promised him, unable to hide a larger grin. "Let me down."

Ben let me down, but I could both see and feel he was unhappy about it. It gave me pause, considering whether he would have if his brothers weren't all on the other side of that door.

Opening the door, I looked up at Colt and gave him a tight smile. "Ben is going to be taking me down. Why don't you take Clarence to Junction City and let him have a look around. Let him get a good feel for the way there and back and see if there's anyone who might strike his fancy."

Colt looked Ben over, frowning. "Maybe I should go with you as well and see if..."

"I can look after her well enough," Ben sneered.

"I'll be fine," I promised Colt, still amused over how fatherly he was to me after all this time. Like he'd been since the moment he'd seen me.

"You sure?" he demanded sourly, scowling at Ben belligerently.

"I am," I told him quickly as Ben acted like he was about to square up. "Thank you, though, for everything. Good night, all of you. I have an early morning."

They left, though Ben seemed to want to linger a moment. Colt grunted sourly, holding the door for him. I was fairly certain Colt was going to watch my door all night now.

He may have, for all I knew, since Ben never bothered me until he knocked in the morning saying it was time to go. We left with breakfast folded into hand towels to eat on the way and Ben seemed eager to get going.

I was yawning, the sun barely lighting the sky at all yet, nowhere near risen. Ben kept me tucked in close to him and he kept turning and looking down at me as if he were chewing on something to say. I waited patiently, letting him find the words in his own time.

Finally, after the sun was up, he looked down at me and spoke. "You picked Colt. Said yes to'm without even knowin' him. I heard the story more'n once. Pa told us how he laid eyes on ya and wished he was 40 years younger and could speak to ya hisself."

"I remember," I agreed warily, wondering where this was going.

"Colt never had no love for ya, no feelin's at all. Just saw you needed protectin' and that pa wanted ya and that you'd get pa off his back about a wife."

"I remember," I agreed again.

"But ya said yes to'm all the same... yet ya hesitated over me. Knowin' how I feel and all. Knowin you'd already made me a promise even..." he trailed off, looking over my face expectantly.

"So I did," I nodded, knowing what he was getting at. "The difference is that I am no longer in danger like I was then. You have to remember what your father saved me from, the situation my father had put me in. I wasn't safe and that man had just tried to kill me and..."

"Have his way with you. Pa told us."

"Yes. Buel saved me, but just from one man. My father had an idea in his head that he was going to keep me around close. He didn't have a care at all for me or Sam either one, he just didn't want to be left with the responsibility of our mother alone. He'd convinced me I was useless and a burden. That the only men who'd want me were men like Henry who were close to him and would let me help my mom of a day while he was working. He was basically selling me to that old widower with the stipulation that I stay nearby to help my mother. Now I know different. I'm not useless or a burden and I'm not in danger. I don't have to run away with the first person to ask me, even if I had no feelings for them."

"So you don't have no feelin's for me?" he asked, hurt.

"I never said that! I said that I don't have to make a rash decision because I'm in danger like I did back then. I told you how I felt about you in that respect, Ben. I feel like all of you are kin to me, but yesterday after our... talk... I no longer feel that way either. I agreed to let you bring me today, didn't I? Did you spend the night overthinking my words?"

"Just tryna figure on what made ya like Colt more'n me," he grumped, looking offended.

I had to bite my lip to keep from smiling. "I was scared half to death of Colt when I first saw him," I told Ben softly. "I didn't say yes because I liked the looks of him. I said yes because I hoped he'd be good to me and I needed away from where I was."

"So ya don't think he's more fetchin; than me?" Ben demanded.

I couldn't stop the giggle that escaped. "Ben... you're handsome enough even if you are terrifying at first. You always look so angry and cold and it's hard to see past that. I have, though, and you're plenty handsome."

"More'n Colt?"

"Different than Colt. Colt has those soft brown eyes that make him look kind... your eyes aren't soft. They're keen and they see everything. They're hard and they've seen a lot. I like your soft, black hair more than I like his course, curly brown hair, even if his was like Buel's. I like how fine and soft yours feels in my fingers. I also like that you shave, I like being able to see your face. And your lips. You must have your mothers lips and I like them... they're good for kissing."

"N'more too, wait'n see," he smirked, his eyes shining.

I laughed and slid my hands around his arm to hold. "Point is, Ben, you and Colt don't look much alike. He looks like Buel and I think you must look more like your mother. There's no comparing. Since he looks like Buel, he'll always remind me of him and I will see him every time I look at him."

"You wish I looked more like'm too?"

"No! No, I don't. I loved Buel... I still love him, but I am glad you don't look or feel or smell or taste anything like him. You're your own man and that's what made me decide I wanted you. You would never make me think of him and not you."

"So ya do want me then? It ain't you just keepin' peace?"

"Is that what this is about? You're afraid I don't want you? Well you don't have to worry, Ben. I do want you... just... you just make me nervous sometimes with your temper."

"My temper ain't got nothin' ta do with women, specially not you. I'd never hurt a girl, let alone the one that's mine," he growled, affronted.

"Good," I smiled, instead of relaying my doubts on that. I hugged his arm and snugged in more closely, laying my head on his arm so he'd stop acting all defensive and insecure. He seemed pleased with that, patting my arms around his and sitting up a little straighter.