Escaping Her Past

"No problems, Chloe. The motor is a few hundred dollars, and whilst I'm in there I might as well change some of the fluids for you. How about I pick you up around 9 tomorrow and we can go to the auto shop and I'll have her purring like a kitten by dinner time."

I hadn't cooked or entertained for anyone since moving to my new unit. I didn't know how I felt about letting Greg into my space. I didn't usually invite my mother inside, preferring to turn up on her doorstep with food I had cooked.

Mum had always been a comfort to me, so I rang her and explained about the car breaking down. She offered for Carlo to come and tow it to their mechanic, so I explained about Greg offering to help.

"That's nice. I'm glad you're able to let a man help you, love, it's not been easy for you, but you know Carlo, the boys and I are here for you."

Carlo was the only male I had allowed to hug me since the incident and that had only been in the past few months. Joe and George were teenage boys and the thought of hugging their older sister was not high on their priorities.

I searched the Internet for how long it might take to replace a starter motor. Most estimates were 3-4 hours at least. I knew I would have to feed Greg lunch at least. The weather was cooling so I decided to cook a pot of soup. I would freeze leftovers for work meals. I placed an online shopping order and figured I'd ask Greg if we could pick it up after visiting the auto shop. I was good at planning. I liked keeping lists, knowing what I needed to get done. It was the unknown that phased me.

It had been over five years since I had been intimate with a man. I had boyfriends at nursing school, but no one special. I enjoyed sex back then. It was fun and novel. This was all before Mick. That night I dreamt that Greg had finished working on my car, stripped off his overalls and came at me naked telling me how beautiful and sexy I was. I dreamt Greg was kissing me, touching me and whispering sweet nothings to me whilst his cock penetrated me. In my dreamy state I could feel my arousal building, but my dream soon soured into a night terror as Mick replaced Greg and I woke with a start.

It was 3am and I knew I would not sleep again. Instead of vacuuming and waking the neighbours, I swept my tiled floors before mopping them, attempting to not drip tears onto the clean surface. I cleaned the bathroom and downstairs toilet and filed away the week's mail. Most of it was rubbish. Important things came via email these days anyway. I changed the sheets on my bed, now they were always pink, always feminine, often floral, not wanting to attract male attention.

As soon as the light came up before 6, I changed into my running gear and set off for a run. I couldn't tolerate headphones needing to hear the sounds of the environment I was in, so I ran in silence and played the dream over and over in my head. Why had I dreamt that Greg wanted me? I decided it was my self-conscious speaking to me and blamed Nicole for putting thoughts into my head. Thinking back to my university days and early years of nursing I was so carefree and laidback, so outgoing. That Chloe was nowhere to be seen now. Mick had ruined everything.

Watering the plants at my doorstep I waited for Greg to arrive. I had made sure my unit was in a gated community and was glad that the intercom was usually broken. Greg pulled up dead on time. I put my watering can down and grabbed my purse.

"Morning!" Greg sounded so cheerful, "I have honestly been so excited about fixing your car that I stayed up too late getting all the technical specs and running stuff by Dad."

"Thanks again for helping."

Greg talked about the things he was going to need and the tools he had brought with him. He might as well have been speaking Swahili as I did not understand a lot. It was the same in the auto shop. I know if I had gone in asking for a starter motor for my model of car, I would have been sold the most expensive. Greg even had a trade discount card saving me more money. I thanked him and asked if we could stop off at the supermarket on our way home which he readily agreed to.

As we arrived at my home, I let out a huge yawn.

"I hope my company is not that boring!" Greg said laughing.

"I didn't sleep well. I start nights tomorrow, so I need to switch my sleep I suppose."

"Don't worry about the car, I'll get her running good as gold!"

I left Greg in the driveway. We had pushed the car out of the garage giving him more room to work. I excused myself and went inside to start on the soup. I had told Greg there was plenty of iced water in the fridge if he needed it and shown him where the downstairs toilet was. Grabbing my book, I decided to lie on the lounge and read.

"Chloe, Chloe, it's me, Greg." Greg had tried to cover a sleeping me with the blanket from the back of the couch and I had woken up screaming.

"Sorry, I dozed off." I could feel Greg's hand on my arm and started trying to centre myself feeling a panic attack coming on. In my mind I noted I could smell the soup, hear the birds outside, see my white ceiling, feel the dryness in my mouth and Greg's hand on my arm. "I'm trying to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth," I chanted.

"Chloe, you're doing great, tell me what you can see?"

"I'm doing that in my head. It's not my first panic attack. Um, it might help if you didn't touch me."

Greg knelt on the ground in his overalls. I focussed on my breathing for a few minutes before looking over at him. He looked concerned. I started laughing, thinking back to the dream I had had the night before.

"Do your attacks usually result in laughter?"

"No, just seeing you in the overalls, I remembered something. It doesn't matter."

"You're doing good, Chlo, Chloe, sorry."

"I'm doing better, but not good. Thanks."

"So, night terror last night, I'm guessing?"

"You a shrink now?"

"I enjoyed my time in psych, but I prefer to be able to see on a scan what is happening inside someone's head. Evie, my sister has an anxiety disorder."

I wanted to tell Greg about Mick and what had happened, but it did not seem like the time. He told me the car was coming along fine and he had drained the oil whilst he was under the car and replaced it and various other fluids around the place.

I excused myself and went to stir the soup.

"Soup will be ready in about half an hour. You're actually the first person who's been inside my unit apart from Mum."

"Well I'm honoured. I had best be going and do some more work then." Greg's smile lit up his eyes showing genuine concern for me, "Let me know if you need anything, anything at all, ok?"

A head that wasn't filled with the memories it did would be a start I figured, but that was unlikely. Mum had texted and I told her everything was fine. It was easier lying than having her worry about me.

It was a gorgeous Autumnal day and I took the soup outside in large mugs with bread rolls I had warmed in the oven.

"That was amazing, Chloe, thank-you!"

"It's just soup."

"Yes, but you cooked it and to me that is special thanks for me helping you and a very fair trade off! I've just got to fit the new starter now and I'll clean a few things. I'll be out of your hair before you know it."

As soon as he said this, I realised I didn't actually mind having Greg around. He was easy to talk to and whilst he obviously guessed I held some pretty deep secrets, he never probed or asked me to divulge any more than I was comfortable with. I sat out in the sun whilst he worked and passed him spanners and the like. We talked more about work and some of our colleagues. Some of my neighbours walked past and old Mr Alexopolous stopped and pretended he knew all about cars, trying to talk with Greg in his deep Greek accent. Greg listened intently to the old man, making him feel valued and respected. The two hugged as Mr Alexopolous went for his afternoon walk.

"He reminds me of my Pappous, Mum's Dad, he came out from Greece in the late 50s. He met my Yiayia when he came here, and Mum was their only child. He died three years ago. Yiayia's in a home and we skype, but I miss her."

I told Greg about my mum's parents who still lived near Mum and my Step-Nonna, Carlo's mum who was always wanting to teach me Italian recipes.

"I was going to bake some of Nonna's Italian Shortbreads for nights, if you're lucky, I might leave you some on your desk."

"Well food is the way to my heart, either that, or a midline incision, some sawing down the sternum, chest expanders, yeah, you're a nurse, you get it!" Greg saw me laughing. "I don't know what knob-jockey last played with your car, but they've made a right royal mess of things. The spark plugs shouldn't work on this model car and some of the wiring looks plain shoddy. I'd really like to fix it up for you."

I told Greg he had done more than enough already, but he was insistent.

"Are you a morning or afternoon sleeper before nights?"

"It depends, sometimes I'll stay up late the night before and sleep through the morning, other times I'll get up normally and have an afternoon nap. Because I didn't sleep well last night, I'm thinking I'll get up as normal tomorrow, why?"

"I thought I could pop back and sort some more out. I've got the right parts at home; our car's engines are virtually the same."

Wherever it came from I will never know, but I smiled and thanked Greg for his offer. Greg waxed lyrical about older model cars and the Land Rover he and his father had been working on for many years. He told me how he and his dad had restored Matilda over the summer between school and university. About 3 o'clock he told me he had finished and suggested we take her for a run. Greg started removing his overalls and I smiled once I realised he was fully dressed underneath them.

"You're an enigma, Chloe," Greg started as we turned the first corner, "You have pink seat covers, pink cushions on your couch and a pink blanket, yet you aren't wearing pink today, nor have I ever seen you in pink scrubs. You give off vibes of being a girly girl with all the pink, but it just doesn't ring true for me."

"I like pink, that's all." I snapped, focussed on driving, not really wanting to tell Greg I surrounded myself with pink to ward off men.

Greg was quiet for a while and we sat and listened to the engine.

"I don't think she's ever run so quietly. Thank-you again and I'm sorry I snapped back there."

"I shouldn't have pushed. I don't know what living with anxiety is like, but I do know what living with Evie living with anxiety was like and it was pretty bad of me to pry. I'm sorry. Honestly, today has been the best day off I've had since I moved here. I'm looking forward to tomorrow too, and if ever you need to talk, I've got big ears and a zipped mouth."

I struggled to respond to Greg's offer. I wanted to think it was genuine, but I also wondered if he simply wanted to save me. I had lost a few good friends because they tried to rescue me and make me come out of my shell. My shell was my protection. Now I just wanted to focus on work and being the best nurse I could be.

"Thanks." It was all I could offer.

When we returned to my unit, we exchanged phone numbers in case either of us needed to contact each other about the following day.

"It's a silent number, please don't give it to anyone else." I tried to explain to Greg.

"Why would I give your number to anyone else and have all the other young doctors chasing after you!"

"Are you trying to chase me, Greg, because I don't want to be chased. I don't need saving and I don't need rescuing."

"No! Well, fuck. You're giving off so many mixed signals, Chloe. That chat at Ginny's the other night and in the car, it was great. But other times you just shut me down. I really like you and I don't know what's happened to you and I probably don't want to know, but I want you to know that I do think you are attractive and smart and funny, and if I was to admit it, I would like to get to know you better, be that as a friend or whatever else it might turn into."

"I see," I was shocked and stunned and must have looked like a kangaroo in the headlights. "It's um, well, it's been a long time and, um, I'm really tired. Thanks for helping with the car. Perhaps tomorrow, we can, I don't know..."

"Perhaps tomorrow I'll come over in the morning and finish off on your car, which we still need to name by the way, and I'll bring something for lunch this time. Chloe, I don't want to save you, but I'm happy to stand next to you whilst you save yourself. I'd normally offer you a hug, but I'm getting some 'don't touch me' vibes, so I'll just say that I'll text you when I'm setting off tomorrow and see you then."

Mum rang as I was reheating some soup for my dinner. I told her that Greg had changed the starter motor and fixed so many little things, but he was coming back tomorrow to fix some more.

"He sounds nice, love."

"His company was nice. After lunch I sat outside with him and we just chatted. He knows I've got secrets, and he told me he has big ears and a zipped mouth, but I'm just not sure."

"I know what Carlo would expect as thanks if ever he spent a weekend on something of mine, but seriously, how are you going to thank him?'

"Mother! I'm going to buy him a bottle of gin and bake some of Nonna's Shortbreads."

It was weird thinking of my mother's sex life and realising she still enjoyed it. I had talked about this with Jill many times before and she reminded me that I was still a sexual being, even if I was celibate at present. She had used the word celibate, I had used the word undesirable, and yet Greg had indicated that he liked me.

There was a text from Greg I discovered as I was heading to bed. He told me he was again grateful for the time he spent with me today and that he was looking forward to tomorrow too. I simply told him I was off to bed and that despite my confusion, I was still keen for him to finish up on my car the following day.

'I've been thinking, and pink in Portuguese is 'corderosa' so you could butcher that and name your car Carderosa!'

'I'll sleep on it but thank-you again. I know I'm not the easiest person to be around at times.'

'You'll do! Now sleep well.'

I was smiling. Perhaps my heart was melting a little after all. I took a sleeping tablet and slept better than I had in a while. I hated taking them but starting three night shifts in a row I figured I needed a decent sleep. My doctor knew I had them and encouraged me to take one when I needed to, but I hated taking more than one or two a month.

My alarm woke me at seven and I went for a short run. Nonna always made whipped butter cookies, which Mum referred to as Italian Shortbread, flavoured with lemon and vanilla piped into rings through a star tipped pastry bag. She made plenty of others, but these were my favourites. I loved how they looked so dainty and tasted so much like her and her unconditional love. They were also quick and made my unit smell like her home. I had just taken the last tray out of the oven when Greg texted to say he was ten minutes away.

'I was going to pick up a coffee on the way, can I grab you something?'

'A chai if they have one would be nice, thanks.'

'On soy?'

'Yes, soy would be lovely! Thanks.'

I avoided caffeine like the plague knowing it added to my anxiety. I loved the smell of coffee, but not the effect of the caffeine. Greg tooted his horn and I pressed the button to open the gate for him. He passed me my tea through the car window and smiled his gorgeous smile. Deep down I was glad I hadn't pushed him away the day before. I had few friends these days and I had to admit Greg was fun to be around. I did not believe I was ready for any romantic involvement, but a mate around helping fix my car was nice.

Grabbing a box from his boot, Greg balanced a plastic container on top.

"OK! Your place smells better than mine!" Greg mused as he walked in my front door. "Here- I made spanakopita for lunch, Yiayia's recipe!"

"Yum, well I whipped up some of Nonna's shortbreads- want one with your coffee?"

They hadn't cooled enough for me to dust with icing sugar, but Greg raved about how delicious they were.

"You look more rested today."

"It was a false sleep- I took a sleeping pill."

"Whatever helps, hey!"

I knew so many doctors who hated sleeping tablets. I knew they were addictive, but I tried to limit my consumption of them.

"Let's get working on Carderosa! Tell me what I can do to help."

Greg donned his overalls and suggested I could pass him tools again. Now that we could drive my car it was much easier to position in the driveway. Greg got me to open up about Nonna and how I had met her when I was twelve and she adopted me as a granddaughter. I told him of the cooking lessons she had given me but stopped short of telling him it was to her house I escaped when I needed to those five years ago and her teaching me to cook was part of the therapy that saw me get out of bed each day.

"She's helped me so much. I mean, she's got four children and fourteen grandchildren other than me, but I suppose seeing I am the eldest technically, and one of only three girls having had four sons herself."

"Mum was an only child and Dad was the only boy from four kids, so I'm surrounded by girls, I don't even have any male cousins!"

I longed to tell Greg how idyllic that sounded. I had not been to family gatherings in, well, over five years. Nonna understood as did Mum and Carlo, but I doubted my Uncles and Aunts understood anything, not that they had been told. I was lost deep in thought when Greg had to ask a second time for a 12mm spanner.

"Penny for them!"

"Huh?"

"Your thoughts."

"It's nothing. I'm just not used to talking to someone I don't know very well. I'm surprised at how much I am opening up to you, but it makes me scared."

"I'm not whoever it is who hurt you in the past. Like I said yesterday, I like you and I like spending time with you. The fact that you have a wicked car that I can tinker with is a bonus! Now, I'm hungry! I'm happy to eat the spanakopita cold, but if you want to warm them that's fine too!"

"What would Yiayia do?"

"Well," Greg laughed, "She'd heat all but two and leave us to snack on the cold ones while the others warmed up!"

I discovered a tub of tzatziki in the container too, again homemade and put two of the spinach and feta triangles on a tray in the oven and left two out for us to snack on. They were good, in fact they were very good. Greg told me that when he was a young intern, his Yiayia would insist on feeding him tzatziki telling him that the garlic would keep the vampires away overnight. I liked that Greg was sharing some of his story and traditions with me. My kitchen was tiny, but Greg insisted on washing the plates after lunch, even though I argued he had cooked it.

"Thank you." I inadvertently placed my hand on Greg's arm as I packed the last plate away. I dredged the biscuits with icing sugar and piled most of them into the empty container that had held the spanakopita and told Greg to take them. "You really have helped me so much getting Carderosa back on the road."

"It's a catchy name, that's for sure! Now I had best leave you to nap before work tonight. Let me know if I can do anything for you, anything at all."

After he left, I quickly popped to the bottle shop, picking up a bottle of pink gin to leave on his desk at work as a thank you. I hoped he would see the humour in it.

My ability to nap before work surprised me. It was Carly, one of our new graduate nurses first nightshift so I asked to be buddied with her. I liked Carly. She was smart and had some life experience studying nursing in her mid-twenties. I showed her how I structured my night shifts, made sure I checked on each patient at least every hour and wrote detailed notes that I always started shortly after midnight if I could. Carly would never know the horrors of paper charts with things electronic these days and trying to make sense of things at 5am!