Escaping Her Past

"One of the things I like doing on nights is digging into the patients' charts. Someone like Mr Chang who has been with us for weeks now, it's good to be reminded of the progress he's made."

When everything was quiet, I took the gin, which I had placed in a fluorescent pink gift bag with a pink thank you card inside a pink envelope on Greg's desk. He was a senior registrar now and, having passed his exams, was simply waiting to finish the hours required before he became a consultant like Dr Charters.

"That was very pink!" Carly commented when I returned to the nurse's station.

"Yeah! Greg helped fix my car over the weekend and I wanted to thank him."

"He's nice and gorgeous too, but he doesn't flaunt his looks like so many of the other doctors try to do. If I didn't have Angelo..." Angelo was Carly's fiancé.

"You and the rest of the ward! I don't know- I mean, he's lovely, but..."

"You're single, aren't you? You should go for it- I think you'd be cute together."

I smiled and went back to reading more notes.

My nightshift routine included me making sure I ate at around 5 so I could go home and fall into bed. Once I had finalised my patients' notes, I checked my phone for the first time. There were two messages from Greg, one wishing me a good nightshift, and another from a few minutes before telling me he hoped I had a good shift.

'It's been good. Patients have all behaved and I've had Carly to keep me company which has been nice.'

Switching my phone to silent, I climbed into bed shortly after 8. I set an alarm for 5pm but knew I wouldn't need it. My exhaustion helped me sleep for a solid six hours. I faffed around on my phone for a bit and noticed another message from Greg.

'Pink is the theme I see! Thank you! It wasn't necessary and I really enjoyed my weekend. Perhaps we will have to share another G&T sometime- I'd like that.'

I thought about it and decided that it didn't sound like that bad of an idea. I even surprised myself by putting my phone down, rolling over and getting some more sleep.

Tuesday night I arrived after a decent sleep again. There was a vase of pink roses at the main nurse's station.

"From a patient?" I enquired to Chris who had been in charge the previous shift.

"Nah, Dr Hottie left them to say thanks to all the amazing nurses on this ward. Oh, and Dianne's called in sick, so you'll need to be team leader tonight, darl."

I had only been team leader a few times before. It meant a lighter patient load, but I was the nurse others would come to. It was further recognition of my experience. I had spent the night before writing my application for the senior nurse position and figured I could include this in the letter for further evidence. It also meant I got to sit with the roses all night.

"OK!" Chris started handover early as we were all present, "Bed 3 has been hypertensive all day, docs are aware but not concerned, just keep an eye on her. Bed 5 is still a pain but has had a sleeping tablet so hopefully won't annoy you. Bed 8b had issues with a visitor earlier this evening- I've put in a request for social work input tomorrow morning. Bed 14 is new and has had a TIA but is still under stroke protocol as is bed 15. Bed 1 and 9a are free, but ED is chockers so we might get some outliers. Flowers at the main station are from Dr Hottie to thank the nurses- looks like he wants to be in all your pants, ladies! Have a good one!"

Once the other nurses scattered, Chris gave me a further handover of the ward. There was nothing I couldn't handle. He reminded me to be firm when ED tried to push non-stroke patients onto us, but I knew the drill.

"I was wondering," I started as Chris finished his handover to me, "Do you get the impression Greg is a player? I mean, the flowers and everything."

"Not at all, darl! I asked him if the flowers were for anyone in particular and he said that he saw them and they made him smile because they were pink and he's grown very fond of pink recently and he thought they might brighten other people's days too. He's quite caring like that. I would have preferred chocolates myself, but Brian's always telling me I'm getting chubby, and he's talking about my belly, not my..."

"Thanks, Chris!" I cut him off. "Speaking of Brian, you had better get home to him. I'll see you next week."

"Oh and Chloe," Chris blew me a kiss and stopped to smell the roses as he walked past, "If you're ready to get back on the stallion, I can put in a good word for you with Dr Hottie! You'd make a cute couple!"

Chris made me smile and I was grateful to call him a friend and colleague. He was also the third person to describe Greg and I as cute. Chris always overstepped the mark but was the only person to get away with it. Perhaps it was the way he was so overt about his own sexuality and sexual exploits and I felt comfortable realising he was into men, well Brian his husband now and no other men, but he was never going to be a threat to me.

~*~*~*~

I was tired when I turned up for my appointment with Jill on Thursday afternoon. Switching sleep patterns was never much fun, especially when I dealt with interrupted sleep at the best of times. I had been ruminating on so much over the previous week, especially some of the things Greg had said and done and the ways I reacted.

"It was good," I responded when Jill asked me how the car fixing went, "Well, mostly good. I mean I had a night terror Friday night and then fell asleep on the couch and woke up in a full-blown panic attack when Greg tried to cover me with a blanket as I slept."

"He didn't worry about your response?"

"Well he tried to ground me, which I was already doing in my brain just not out loud, and then he told me his sister had an anxiety disorder and he knew it wasn't fun. I don't know, I mean, he came back Sunday to do some more things to Carderosa, that's what we've called my car by the way, and he's so easy to talk to. If he wasn't so good looking it might be easier."

"In what way?"

"Well, I mean all the women fawn over him. That's not me. He told me he likes me, and I froze. He also noted that I gave off vibes saying I didn't want to be hugged which I was glad he had picked up on. Then he's sending me messages and leaving flowers at work..."

"He gave you flowers?"

"He left them for the ward. You know we've talked about my use of pink, even though I've never been a girly-girl, well he asked me about it and I just told him I liked pink."

I told Jill about my thank-you gift and then the flowers appearing and him making a big deal of them being pink to Chris.

"You feel comfortable around him then?"

"Yeah, I'm getting better. I told him I didn't need saving, rescuing, or looking after and he told me he'd be happy to stand next to me as I saved myself. It was hard to know if he was genuine, or if he was simply saying what he knew I wanted to hear."

We talked at length about my fears surrounding relationships and me telling Greg about my past.

"It won't be easy, but even if you form a friendship and nothing else it might be easier for him if you tell him some of your history. Have you thought about what you might say?"

"I fell for my mechanic and it took me six months to realise we weren't right together, and he was too controlling?"

"You might have to tell him more than that."

I knew I would. Jill assured me he sounded like a decent human being in the way I described him, and I reminded her that I thought Mick was decent at one stage.

"But what if I'm not ready?"

"Your body told you in a dream it's ready! Chloe, even if it is simply a friendship that develops between the two of you then you will need to tell him a little more of the story."

It was liberating talking with Jill. She had been dealing with me for many years now and we had a good therapeutic relationship. I shuddered to think of my first experience with a psychologist- someone had recommended Dominique to help me get over my trauma, but we never gelled. I wondered how much further I would be along if I had seen Jill from the start.

~*~*~*~

"Hold the lift!"

Not this again I chuckled to myself as I finished work on Friday.

"You finishing early, doctor?"

"Nah, it's my half day- I was just finishing paperwork. When are we going to catch up for that gin?"

"I'm working early tomorrow, late on Sunday."

"I'm on call this weekend, but it doesn't start until 8 tomorrow. We could grab a drink now?"

"I'm not keen on going out Friday evening with all the after-work crowds. You could swing by mine if you wanted to?"

"I made a big stew last night and have plenty of leftovers. How about I show you my place? Then I can share the lovely gift you left me too."

"Um, I'm not sure." The lift doors opened giving me a chance to think about my reply. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but the thought of going inside Greg's private sanctuary made me uneasy.

"Chloe," Greg stopped outside the hospital doors and looked at me, "I live in a single bedroom apartment that isn't flash. My bedroom door is closed, and I don't plan on opening it when your there if that's what you're worried about. It's 3.30, how about you follow me there and when we get there you can decide how you feel about coming in?"

I liked Greg's reasoning. He gave no indication he would be inappropriate in any way and I enjoyed spending time with him. I thought back to my conversation with Jill the day before. We both walked in the same direction and I laughed when Greg told me he parked next to me in the staff car park that morning.

"Matilda and Carderosa have been getting to know each other better all day!" Greg laughed as we both opened our driver's doors. "Follow me, I've texted you my address just now and you decide if you want to come in when you get there, ok?"

From driving with Greg on Saturday I knew he was a responsible driver however I entered his address into my phone's map just in case. When I was stuck at a red traffic light, Greg pulled over and waited for the light to change before pulling in front of me again. For all of Greg's looks and charms he didn't boast about them. He was never loud or obnoxious, well at least not in my presence and he calmed me with his well-reasoned suggestions.

Pulling into the guest park outside Greg's apartment complex I felt comfortable enough to go inside.

"You may have worked out my brain is wired a bit strange at times and can play tricks on me, but I feel comfortable enough to come inside, but I may need to leave in a hurry if it gets too much."

"All good, Chloe. I'm on the second floor, I usually take the stairs if that's ok?"

It was a lovely apartment. Unlike my double-story terraced like unit, this was on a single floor with a large open plan kitchen and living area, the main focus being on a large glass door that lead onto a balcony that offered nice views of the park across the road. The park was full of groups of people undergoing what looked like bootcamp like exercises. There were two comfortable swinging chairs on the balcony and Greg suggested I take a seat in one while he fetched us a drink.

Everything was tidy and in order which pleased me. I had never been a neat freak before, but now I needed order in things.

"How was your day? I see Mindy was on the ward again!" Greg handed me a glass containing a pink gin and tonic.

"Yeah, it was good really. I wasn't working with her. Mateo's always fun to work with, even if he is having a rough time at the moment. I worked with his wife a few years back; she seemed lovely and I can only imagine how challenging it would have been for her to admit to her sexuality and leave her husband and father of her two young children for another woman." It was no secret on the ward, however Mateo saw it as a threat to his masculinity.

"Are you questioning your sexuality?"

"Me? No! Well, I mean I suppose I'm questioning whether I'm a sexual being, that's all."

"Like a virgin?"

"No! That ship sailed long ago! It's just been a while. I, um, want to tell you some of it, but not this evening if that's ok."

"It's ok, whatever you feel comfortable telling me and whenever that is, I will regard the information in strictest confidence. Thank-you by the way!"

"What for?"

"Sofia!"

I had caught Sofia making another error on a medication chart. Mateo wanted to go straight to Greg and tell him, but I instead pulled Sofia aside and asked her if there was any reason she was making the errors. She had told me she was experiencing imposter syndrome- feeling she shouldn't be having the responsibility she did have. I had told her that I felt like that when I first started, and I knew lots of other doctors and nurses who felt like it too. Explaining that the first few months were hard and going out and getting wasted with colleagues every weekend was not the best coping mechanism helped her open up to me a little more.

"We had a chat."

"I think it was more than just a chat!"

"She forgot to sign some orders, that's all."

"If you say so. Her attitude changed wholeheartedly after it though and she was a different doctor for the rest of the day. It gave me confidence that I could actually leave early."

"I just thought you were stalking me!"

"Oh, shit no, I'm not a stalker."

"Look, Five or so years ago I was in a relationship with Mick, I think I've mentioned him. It wasn't a good relationship, but he never stalked me. Well I suppose, I didn't want to tell you tonight at first, but I want you to know. I, um, see a psychologist and we talked about me telling you yesterday. It's the sort of thing I'd want a friend to know."

"Do you want another gin?"

"No, that was lovely, actually more than lovely, but I need to keep a clear head. So, Mick. We were never right for each other. He never understood what I did and the stresses that came along with it all. He, um, liked drinking beer which is one of the reasons I won't touch the stuff now, and every Friday night he would get absolutely hammered. I started rostering myself for late shifts knowing I finished at 11, but he would often demand I picked him up from the pub. He wasn't a nice drunk, either."

I described how often on a Friday night he would demand sex but usually be too inebriated to get an erection.

"One evening he had slapped me across the face when I couldn't make him hard. He told me later it was a mistake and I should have left him then, but I trusted him. Eventually though he wanted to show me off as if I was his property. He became so possessive. I'd had a boyfriend before who liked using handcuffs and silk scarves in the bedroom, but for Mick it was more than this. He wanted to degrade me and make me his. It wasn't a BDSM passion or anything, just a thought that he owned me. I was renting at the time and my lease was coming up for renewal. Mick wanted me to move in with him, but I refused. This time he threw me against a wall and held me by my neck. I told him it was over and left."

"I'm so sorry."

"You didn't do it! I should have gone to the police, but I just went home. After work the following day Mick was waiting for me. I told him again it was over. He'd grabbed me by the arm and dragged me into the back of a van. One of his mates was driving. He drove me to his garage. He'd ripped my blouse off in the van and used a knife he was holding to cut my bra. He used the knife to cut down my skirt. He cut my stomach in the process and I've still got a scar."

Greg sat in silence. Tears were forming in his eyes. I was not as emotional as I thought I'd be. It had been years since I had told anyone the story.

"He complained that I was wearing beige underwear, 'Granny panties' he called them, so they were slashed off me too. When we arrived at the garage, he dragged by by my hair out of the van. It was long and I usually wore it in a bun, but he'd removed the hair tie."

I saw Greg looking at me, studying my short pixie cut.

"He had three mechanics around him all staring at me standing there naked. Mick waved the knife around with his hand. I could feel blood dripping down my stomach from where he had cut me. I couldn't bring myself to cover myself with my hands because I was scared what he'd do to me. He told his workmates that I had dumped him, so I was a free woman and they were all able to fuck me now like they had talked about. One of them suggested Mick go first. He did. I wasn't ready; I wasn't aroused. He threw me over the bonnet of a car and told me he was going to fuck me like the dog I was."

Greg was crying. I was just numb from reliving it all.

"Someone called the police. I think it was one of the guys, but they all refused to admit to it. Mick was still holding the knife and telling me all sorts of disgusting things when two police officers bounded in and arrested him. He had dislocated one of my shoulders spinning me around to throw me on the car. The other three had made themselves scarce and collaborated to say they had no idea what was going on. An ambulance arrived and I begged for them to take me to St Angela's instead of where I worked."

"I, um, I don't know what to say." Greg whispered.

"There's nothing you can say really. I was treated well in hospital. The police were great. We went to trial eleven months later after he pleaded not guilty despite all the evidence against him. He still claimed I asked for it and demanded it rough all the time. He got 17 years for it when they convicted him. His mates still run his fucking garage."

"It's hardly enough though, is it when you consider the ramifications of what he did."

"Three weeks after the attack when I was staying at Nonna's, I had my first flashback. One of my friends at the time recommended a counsellor she knew, but it was horrible. We didn't gel. My doctor put me on medications. They help a bit, but they don't take away the numbness and I still have panic attacks as you witnessed last weekend.'

"Thank goodness someone did call the cops, I mean, fuck..."

"Yeah. So, I was off work for around twelve months. Mum and Carlo packed up my unit and I moved in with Nonna. Mum suggested I try another counsellor and I fluked it finding Jill. She's been amazing."

"Hence the gynae ward I suppose?"

"Yeah. I wonder if I found a therapist I did gel with earlier on it might have been easier, but who knows now. Anyway. I hope this makes some things make more sense- the pink and the fear of touch and stuff.'

"I'm angry that there are still men out there who think women are theirs to own and treat as they will. I just, I have this feeling of sadness and anger and I just can't fathom that someone would act like he did." Greg said removing his glasses and wiping his tears with the sleeve of his shirt. "He called you Chlo too, didn't he?"

"Yeah. I mean my Dad started it by calling me ChloBo which I hated. I always asked him to call me Chloe, but he thought it was a joke to keep calling me the name I hated."

"Thank-you, Chloe for telling me this. I can't imagine the hell you've been through."

"It's been tough, and you're the first person I've told in years."

"I feel privileged, I really do. I suppose my only question though is why did you tell me, I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm so glad you did and I feel closer to you now, but, no, you don't have to answer."

I sat for a moment and sipped the water that had gathered in my glass from the melted ice-cubes.

"Do you want what Jill thinks or what I think?"

"Are they different?"

"Not overly, no. Jill has been helping me get to a stage where I can accept more men into my life. I haven't seen my step-cousins since the incident for instance. There's a family reunion next month that I am going to go to. We've also talked about you and some of the feelings you bring out in me." I looked over to see Greg looking at me with eyes full of concern, "So, like, Last Friday night I dreamt you were making love to me, so tender and so gentle and then suddenly you turned into Mick and I freaked. You told me you liked me, and I realised that I like you too, but it has been so long and..."