Escaping Her Past

"I'd seen you around the ward and recognised you were about the only nurse that didn't go out of her way to flirt with me or treat me like I'm just a good-looking bloke. I, um, I actually wondered if you were gay at first, but Chris assured me he's the only gay in the village!"

"No, I'm just scared."

We sat in silence for a bit watching the people in the park across the road. I shuffled in the chair, enjoying the feeling of hanging.

"They're comfy, aren't they? I'm glad I bought two. You're the first person to sit in that one. I often sit out here. At night you can see down the hill."

"Thanks for inviting me. I can't believe how relaxed I actually feel having shared things with you."

We both laughed as I heard Greg's stomach rumble.

"It's been a long time since breakfast!"

"You need to take time for lunch- look after yourself!"

"Yeah, I know. I know it's early, but fancy some Lamb and lemon stew? It's a Yiayia recipe!"

"Well if it's a Yiayia recipe you know I can't say no!"

We ate in silence watching the sun drop below the horizon in front of us. I could see why Greg liked sitting out there. It truly was beautiful. Greg stood again and took my plate, but I followed and told him I would wash up. He joked that he simply had to load the dishwasher, but I wanted to help. With the sun setting I told Greg I needed to get going.

"I'm going to walk you to your car, but first, can I ask you a favour?"

"Of course!"

"When you feel ready to hug me, please let me know."

I have no idea where it came from, but I leant in and wrapped my arms under Greg's bringing my upper body in contact with his. It started as a half-hearted attempt at a hug, but I hoped it was something. When Greg returned the favour and wrapped his arms around my back, I stood more upright and took a step closer to him. I could smell his beard oil, a coffee fragrance that reminded me of Carlo.

"Thank-you Chloe." Greg said still holding me. I felt warm and safe. Mick had never been a hugger. The hug lasted a few minutes, both of us savouring it. "You really are a remarkable woman."

I pulled away gently and noticed Greg's smile was as wide as mine.

"That was actually nice! I think I surprised myself," I admitted.

"That was the first hug I've had since moving here. Thank-you."

"You can't possibly say that! I mean, a good-looking bloke like you, you must be chasing the ladies away!"

"Yeah, that's it-- I do chase them away. Have you got time to hear some of my story, or do you need to go?"

"If I was being honest with myself, I don't think I want this evening to end."

"Shall we go to the balcony again?"

"I'm just getting a little cold and my cardigan is in the car."

Greg told me to stay where I was and promised he'd be right back. I told him I'd go to the bathroom. When I returned, he handed me a handknit sweater with a cabled texture. It was a work of art.

"Mum knits and she knit this for me, but I'm happy for you to warm yourself in it this evening."

It was so cosy and warm and again smelt like Greg. It was large enough that I could pull my knees to my chest and it still fit over them. Greg also passed me a grey blanket, apologising that it wasn't pink, and wrapped himself in a similar one.

"So," Greg sighed, "There was a group of us at Medical School who were all the good-looking boys. We could have any girl on campus we wanted, and we mostly did. There was never anything serious in anything, all just casual fun. My grades started slipping after a few years and I was called in the Dean of Medicine's office. He asked me if I really wanted to be a doctor and pointed out that I didn't have a long lineage of doctors behind me to back me up."

"Charming!"

"Well, I think he actually did me a favour. I knuckled down and for my final two years I only partied at the end of semester. I thought I was going to be a surgeon, slicing, dicing and saving everyone's life. The realities of hospital life changed me though. In my first year out, I worked at a large metropolitan hospital. My first rotation was with the cardio-thoracic team and they were arseholes. They schmoozed up to nurses and boasted about how many they had seduced."

"I've heard to beware of them."

"Yeah, well, I just focussed on doing the best job I could and tried not to play their games. Tried, I say. There was one nurse who made it clear she was hot for me. I ended up screwing her in a toilet at work. And I realised I just didn't feel anything. My next rotation was with the geriatrician which I was surprised that I enjoyed. I then went to Mental Health which again I was surprised I loved. ED was good, but again it's a high party atmosphere. Finally, I was sent to the neurology ward that focussed on strokes. Here I was inspired by the patients and their families that I met."

"Yeah, people tell me how heavy it is, but the rewards are worth it to me."

"True! I was encouraged to apply for a training program in neuro and I was surprised to be accepted. I moved out west, out bush. I'd cared for a lady from out where I was going, and she'd joked that her granddaughter would like me. I met this lady in a clinic shortly after I arrived out there and she gave me her granddaughter Cassie's number and suggested I give her a call. Not really knowing anyone, I did. We met for a drink and clicked at once. She helped on the family sheep station and soon I was out there helping mend tractors and loving my days off."

"I can actually imagine you in the bush, as long as you had your coffee!"

"Yeah! Well. At the end of six months I asked for an extension on my contract and was given another eighteen months. Cassie was ecstatic as was her family. She had four younger brothers who were still away at boarding school or uni and we planned that she would move with me back to the city once Dale, her brother, finished uni and came back to run the farm."

I could see Greg pause. He removed his glasses again and pressed his fingers into the upper bridge of his nose.

"She tamed me like the wild horses she tamed so well. My parents came to visit, and they adored her too. I was 26 and thought I had everything planned. I was waiting for her 25th birthday and was going to propose to her."

I knew better than to rush Greg in his story.

"I was working in the shed on one of the tractors on a Saturday afternoon when Bill, her Dad came running to say Cassie had been thrown by her horse. She loved horses and was amazing with them. I didn't have anything with me, but we raced into the paddock in the old ute and I could see she had gone. I tried CPR, but I knew it was worthless. The paramedics took half an hour to arrive and all that time I pumped at her chest. Her autopsy showed she had broken her neck in the fall, and she would never have coped in a wheelchair or anything."

"I'm so sorry. She sounds like an amazing woman."

"That she was. I couldn't finish my contract after that. I took a few months off and backpacked through Greece. That was, what, six years ago now. Time flies. I, um, moved back to the city in with Mum and Dad. Evie and Olivia were living with them too and it was a full house. I enjoyed it. It took my mind off Cass. I suppose I put up a barrier too, but, yeah..." Greg trailed off

I almost wished I was sitting next to Greg and could have placed an arm around his shoulder. Our chairs were only slightly apart, so I held out my hand. Greg entwined his fingers in mine, and we sat and swung on our chairs for several minutes. There was little traffic on the road that separated the apartments from the park which had cleared of its people. Someone walked their dog along the path but would have to have looked up to see us. I felt safe and protected.

"Back home, I was single for a couple of years. I dated one girl briefly, but we just didn't click. I then dated another doctor for a while a year or two back, but she wasn't into monogamy and that was a deal breaker for me. I saw a therapist last year for a while. He suggested I move again. Evie was getting married and I suppose I was sick and tired of Mum and Dad worrying about me."

"Don't parents always worry though? I know my Mum does."

"Yeah, I suppose, but after Cassie, I just felt broken. And, I mean, she didn't hurt me physically, or anything, but, well..."

"Dying was pretty inconsiderate of her, really though!" I elicited a laugh from Greg.

"I don't know if I would have survived out there. Her family has been hit pretty hard by the drought. I don't think Dawn, Cassie's Mum has ever gotten over her death. So last year I did some sessions with Kelvin who helped me to work out what I wanted in life apart from being a doctor. For me part of it was exploring part of this amazing country and moving interstate. I, um, well I want a family. I think girls are almost conditioned to want children it seems at times, but for me, living with Evie and Olivia, it's made me realise that I would love to be special in someone's life again. I mean, kids would be nice, but even finding someone to share things with."

"Yeah..." we were still holding hands swinging in our own chairs, "I'll be honest. I always wanted kids and loved being a big sister in my teenage years and babysitting the boys and everything, but I'm still scared I'll panic and freak if someone wants to be intimate with me."

"That makes sense. Can I just say though, the last few minutes just holding your hand has felt pretty intimate to me." Greg stroked my palm with his thumb, and I gripped his fingers tighter.

"I haven't felt this calm in ages. It's peaceful and it's lovely really. I suppose part of me still wants to question why me though, I mean you have the Mindy's of the world throwing themselves at you!"

"But I haven't wanted that for years and years, not since med school. You probably don't remember, but in my first week here, I kept charting the meds we used back home. It was instinct- a patient needed a statin, but I charted the one the pharmacy stocked back home, not even thinking of what was in stock on the ward here. Dianne went into meltdown and rang the pharmacy and asked for them to supply the drug I'd charted. You came and saw me and suggested I change it to the drug you stocked on the ward. But your manner, your smile, it was captivating."

"I'm not sure I believe that!"

"No, I mean, all these other women had been fawning over me and to be honest I was beginning to feel objectified! You just gave me a gorgeous smile. You didn't bat your eyes or tilt your head to the side or bite your lip or ask me what I was doing after work! I found you instantly likeable."

"I still can't believe I agreed to go out for that drink after work with you, that was so unlike me."

"I'm glad you did."

I was glad I did too. It was getting late, but I was so snug and warm in Greg's sweater and blanket and was enjoying holding hands. At some stage I must have dozed off. I felt Greg rubbing my palm with his finger and gently calling my name. This time I woke gently and smiled to see him next to me.

"Are you right to drive?"

I knew I was and thanked Greg for a lovely evening. Surprising myself even further, I pulled Greg in for another hug as we stood from our cocooning chairs. Greg told me to wear his jumper home so I didn't get cold. I went to bed snuggling the jumper, smelling Greg's scent and slept the best I had in ages.

I was team leader at work again on Saturday and was glad I had a good team working with me. Greg walked past as I was on the phone and I had to try not to laugh. He was wearing raspberry coloured scrubs and simply waved at me.

"Ooh! Pink is definitely Dr Hottie's colour, have you seen how it brings out the blue in his eyes?" Nicole was talking to a few of us at our break. I let them talk as I sipped on my cup of tea.

"How comfortable would you feel if there was a group of doctors talking about a nurse and how hot she was? Greg's a good doctor and I'm not sure he really appreciates all the objectification." I said as I washed my cup and put it away in the cupboard.

The room went quiet as the others went back to scanning their phones. I'm sure they talked about my little outburst after I left and Nicole tried to broach the subject with me later, but I was busy. I was late to lunch and walked into the break room as Greg was heating his in the microwave.

"Smells great!" I commented as I walked in noting there were two other nurses present.

"Yeah, it's a lamb and lemon stew my Yiayia taught me to make." Greg said as he removed his container and stood aside for me to use the microwave.

It was unusual for doctors to sit in the break room, but Greg sat at the table and pretended to look at his phone.

"That smells good, Chloe, what is it?" he asked.

"Just a soup I made and pulled out of the freezer for lunch."

"You always have the best smelling lunches," one of our colleagues commented as she stood to wash her containers.

It wasn't long before Greg and I were the only ones left in the lunchroom.

"I was worried about you getting home safely last night. Thanks for the text."

I sipped my soup slowly and reflected on how comfortable I felt in Greg's presence.

"Nicole reckons the raspberry scrubs bring out the blue in your eyes!"

"Oh, here we go! So now you're joining with the Dr Hottie crap too, are you?"

"Well, firstly, I suggested that she and the other nurses who were present when she was talking about it would not appreciate being objectified by male colleagues and perhaps they should focus on what a good doctor you are and secondly, well, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I found you just a little bit attractive!"

Greg was smiling. He was about to say something when my phone rang, and I needed to rush back to the ward. He did tell me he would wash my container and I told him there was another container of soup in the fridge if he needed sustenance later in his shift. He mouthed a thank-you to me as I walked out the door, both of us grinning from ear to ear.

At the end of my shift I walked to my car and texted Greg hoping his on call wasn't too arduous. There was a quiet room where the doctors could sleep, but he might still be called to emergencies overnight. I reminded him there was soup in the fridge if he needed it and he replied with a smiley face.

Once home I showered and changed into sweats. Having slept well two nights in a row I was in the mood to cook. I had stopped at the shops on the way home and bought ingredients to make Nonna's lasagne, deciding I had time to make homemade pasta for it whilst the sauce simmered. Lasagne was Nonna's specialty. It always appeared at family gatherings and everyone who tried it loved it.

'Busy evening?' I texted Greg once it was in the oven.

'Not too bad. I got a nap in before in case it gets too hectic later on. Thanks for the soup- it beats the toasted sandwich I would have otherwise had! Well I actually ate both, but shh!'

It had been so long since I had had a friend to talk to. Most of my childhood friends either didn't understand the demands of shift work or were married with children these days. Some other friends had told me that I should have had my shit back together two years after the trial and told me to contact them when I did. Jill had reminded me they weren't true friends. Having Greg to talk to was comforting. In my mind I counted him as a friend, even though we had only really known each other for mere weeks. My heart though was giving mixed signals.

I recognised I found him deeply attractive. He was taller than me and I felt so safe in his arms the evening before. Even the act of sitting and holding hands had not exacerbated my anxiety. Having shared our stories with each other I felt we had deepened our connection, despite the polar opposites in the ways our relationships ended. Sitting in my lounge eating lasagne I wore Greg's jumper. The weight of it calmed me, but it was losing his scent.

Between bites I also texted Greg asking what time his on-call finished the following day and letting him know I was working a late shift. It took him over an hour to reply that he was on until 10 the following evening and I assumed he was busy so, I left him alone. Portioning out the rest of the lasagne, I put two serves aside for Greg and me to have for dinner the following evening.

As I undressed for bed, I paused to look at myself in the mirror. My breasts had little sag, but I doubted anyone would call them perky. I cupped them in my hand and noticed the nipples hardening. I ran my palm over them and wondered what Greg's hands would feel like on them. Mick had always been rough with them and told me I needed to get implants as they were too small. As soon as I remembered Mick, I focussed again on Greg. My nipples were still hard, and I could feel moisture pooling between my legs.

Instead of my usual pyjamas, I pulled a sexy blue nightie from the back of my drawer. It was old, but it still fitted me. The feel of the silk running over my breasts maintained my arousal. I folded Greg's jumper and placed it next to my pillow. Climbing under my doona, my fingers reached for my pussy. I was greeted with a wetness and let out a small moan when my fingertips brushed my clitoris.

All the time I was thinking of Greg, how he would touch me, what he would do to me. Swirling my finger over my nub I could feel myself building. It took less than two minutes before I let out a huge sigh and felt my vaginal muscles tighten and contract in rhythmic motion; my first orgasm since before the rape. Over five years in the making, but oh so satisfying. I snuggled with the jumper and drifted off to sleep, a large grin on my face.

Running through the back streets near my unit the following morning I had a spring in my step. I had climaxed; I had had a sexual experience with myself that had brought me pleasure. Remembering how much Greg liked Nonna's Shortbreads, I whipped up another batch to take to work with me.

'Hey you! Catch me before you start work, ok?'

I had already planned on taking Greg a coffee and handing him some biscuits and did not think much of his text. I found him in the Doctor's Room on the ward.

"Hey, I baked again this morning and here, nectar from the Gods! There's a serve of lasagne in the fridge for you too if you want."

"You are a legend. It was a rough night. 2 strokes presented and a sub-arachnoid haemorrhage was transferred from up north. Um, one of the stroke patients, he's youngish, like early 40s and he's a mechanic. I just wanted to give you a heads-up."

I thanked Greg and left for handover. My euphoria from earlier in the day had disappeared in those few words, but I was angrier with Greg for feeling he needed to warn me than I was with finding a mechanic on the ward. It was this sort of minding of me I was not fond of. Chris was team leader for my shift, and I asked if I could not be with any of the new stroke patients.

"Sure thing, Darl! I was going to pair you with Carly down the end, so you'd be near the Doctor's Room! I've noticed the way Dr Hottie has been looking at you lately! Did you see the V-neck scrubs he's wearing today, tufts of chest hair poking out, it's like he's trying to tease me!"

I tried to rationalise that perhaps it was better the devil I knew rather than the devil I didn't in the new patients but knew Greg would be popping out near our station throughout the shift. I had hoped he might be almost finished with his work and might escape the ward to sleep a little. My hopes were dashed. I couldn't look at him when he came out of his room. I busied myself in restocking the area we were in, a task I technically should not have needed to be doing.

"Chloe, can we have a chat in here please?" Greg asked partway through the shift as he held the door to the doctor's room. Closing it behind him he again took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose, "Chloe, I overstepped, didn't I?"