Esther

Susan guffawed with laughter, but Esther turned red.

"Hey Beth!" Seamus called. "Josiah bet me two bits I wouldn't kiss you. Morning break, our usual spot?"

"You just.."

"He's dead!" James yelled, staggering in the door. "Sheriff is there now, everyone is there! He sliced his own throat open after cutting himself all up!"

There were screams and cries and shock and Esther turned to Beth and Susan, her eyes wide. Beth broke down crying, then Susan did too. Esther knew she should as well, but she couldn't make herself do it. Instead, she buried her head in her arms on her desk as if she were crying. As she lay there, all she could think about was how many times he had bent her over that very desk and taken her. She forced the thoughts away and tried to go somewhere else in her mind, but it kept coming back. Her desk. His desk. The horrible things he had done, the things he had made her do. His eyes, so full of fervor and madness.

Hands on her shoulders made her scream out in fear and as she sat up she realized she was crying. Her father was there, patting her gently. She noticed most the kids were gone and other parents were there too. Ben was also there, consoling students, talking to parents. His eyes went to hers and he hurried to her.

"Esther? Are you all right? I know you knew him better than the others."

"No, not really. He rarely spoke, he just told me what to read and left me alone. I just..."

"It's all right, we all grieve in our own ways. It's a horrible, tragic thing. He was a disturbed man, very disturbed. Just know that it was no ones fault, no ones at all. David, may I walk with her back to your home?"

"Of course Ben. I am here Esther, right behind you if you need me."

"Thank you papa, are you sure Ben? I don't want to take you away if someone else needs you?"

"Of course I am sure. You should be home in bed anyway, right?" he asked softly, patting her hand on his arm. "Nice hot tea and a cozy blanket." He was walking slowly and she realized it was because she was stumbling. What was wrong with her? "I'm not much of a cook, but I do make a nice chicken and rice soup. Easy on the stomach and good for the soul."

"I will be all right. Ma makes potato soup when I'm sick. It's my favorite."

"Maybe I will get her recipe," he said softly.

Esther went warm to her toes. He wanted so much to take care of her and help her.

"If you aren't busy later, some company wouldn't go amiss?" she said, hardly more than a whisper.

He brightened visibly. "Of course. A few arrangements may need to be made, but I am at your disposal. He led her into her home where her mother was sitting with two of her friends, all of them with red rimmed eyes. Her mother jumped up and helped lead her to her favorite chair. Ben quickly picked up a lap quilt and draped it over her lap. Her father glanced in, nodded at Esther, then left, going back to the store. Esther was still in half shock. She looked down at the hand holding hers and followed the arm up to Bens worried face. Her mother was suddenly holding tea out to her.

"Drink this Es, you'll feel better."

Esther took it and swallowed, then almost choked. "Is that brandy, mama?"

"Yes dear, it will settle your nerves. Drink all of it, I know it tastes awful."

"Mama, if I drink this I will sick up," she said pushing the cup back at her.

Her mom took the cup and looked down at Esther in worry. "I will get you some tea then, and I have some potato soup on for you. Dear, you look... devastated? Are you sure you won't drink this?"

"Yes mama. I'm just... it's less about what happened and more about other things. Woman things?"

"Oh! Oh, of course. I will have you a tea made up right away to settle any... discomfort. Ben, why don't you pull up that chair so you don't have to strain your back leaning in that way?" Her mother looked down at the cup, then drank it herself before marching back to the kitchen, leaving the other women in the sitting room looking in at Esther and Ben as he sat next to her.

"There will be plenty of talk soon," she said softly, trying not to look at all the women watching them.

"Let them talk. You are so pale dearheart, my heart is breaking for you. Tell me how I can help?"

"I was being honest when I said I wasn't overly upset about Mr Whitting. It is sad, to be sure, but I hardly knew him and he was so... off. I am sorry he did it, sorry he had no one to help him and sad for all of the people who are hurting because of what he did. Mostly I am tired and sore and aching from other things. I may nap and then help mama make up some beans and cornbread for the big dinner."

It was a tradition in their town, when there was a death in their community, they all gathered at the church and had a huge dinner as a 'family'. They called it the big dinner. Her mom always made beans and cornbread and lots of it.

"As you wish dearheart. You rest then. I will go see about plans for his services and dinner tonight. If it is still all right, I will go speak to your father first?"

Esther smiled, blushing and looking down at his hand holding hers. "That suits me," she said softly, squeezing his hand. He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it gently before standing to go. Esther watched him leave with a heavy heart. She knew it was selfish, but he was such a comfort.

Her mother returned with another cup and Esther sipped it slowly as her mom hovered.

"Ben seemed very solicitous. More so than just seeing to his flock?"

"He did, didn't he?" Esther replied, feeling color rising in her cheeks.

"Will he be coming around later?"

"He has to see to the services and dinner tonight. And he has to go by the store and talk to Pa, ask him something."

"Oh? And what might he be asking? Should I be finishing up your hope chest?"

"I think... I think I would if I were you," Esther answered, still blushing furiously.

Her mother took the empty cup and patted Esther's hand with a smile. "I am very happy for you dear. He is an exceptional young man. I hoped you would return his interest. It's joyous news in this dark time."

"Yes, but nothing is set just yet. Wait until it's final before telling anyone. He hasn't even asked Pa yet and Pa hasn't given his permission."

"Your father adores Ben as much as the rest of us. His only worry was that you might think him too old for you and it seems you do not mind at all. The soup will be done soon, I will bring you a bowl."

When her mother returned with the soup, Esther was curled up the chair, sleeping. She let her sleep. She let her sleep right up until it was almost time to go to the big dinner, then woke her gently.

Esther walked quietly to the church, her arms full of a large box filled with cornbread. Her head ached from sleeping so much and her shoulder and hip ached from sleeping in the chair. She was also feeling sick from the horrible dreams she had.

"Pick up the pace, sleepyhead," Isaiah said behind her, balancing a huge pot of soup. Her father had another one and her mother carried a smaller one. Esther walked a little faster, still in a half daze.

She finally perked up when Ben appeared, taking the huge box from her. "Hello Esther, I hope you had a fine nap? Do you feel better?"

"I am fine," she answered, her stomach churning. She had not spoken to her father yet, she did not know what they had discussed. He stepped out of the way of the door, leading her with him. She looked up at him expectantly.

His shy smile and the way he swallowed, so unsure about what to say next made her smile. "Does next Sunday suit you?" he finally asked.

"It does," she answered, breathless.

"Me too. It is set then?"

"I suppose it is," she said smiling again, her heart giddy now.

He smiled, his face flushing and he carried the box to the large table where everyone was setting the food. The women quickly took it from him, they were arranging everything and organizing the big dinner. Ben made his way back to her, pausing every few steps to speak with someone or shake a hand. "Would it be too forward of me to ask that you and your family sit with me tonight?" he asked gently, his voice unsure.

"I would like that, Ben," she answered, lowering her eyes and smiling.

"I will show you to your seat then, and your family as well?"

"Yes, thank you," she answered, following him, signalling to her family on the way.

To her confusion, her father sat her between him and her mother, but she did not argue. He would be more aware of proprieties in these matters than she was. Dinner was announced in short order and everyone took their seats. Ben beamed at her as he sat, not seeming to care that her father separated them. Before it started, he stood to say grace, the entire town stood and joined hands around all of the tables that had been brought in. Esther watched Ben with her head bowed, his face lit up in his love and devotion and her heart pounded in her chest. He was truly so good. He was everything Jake was not. The thought of Jake made a bilious wave wash over her, making her take her seat, hard. Her mother and father both put a hand on her shoulder, both gently as the prayer concluded. When they sat, they both turned to her in concern.

"So sorry, I just felt so sick suddenly, and so dizzy."

"Should I take you home?" her mother asked fearfully.

"No mama, I think it is the excitement."

"Is everything all right?" Ben whispered, still standing.

"Yes, she is fine. Just a bit overwrought today," her father answered.

"Should I wait?" Ben asked, half moving to sit.

"No, she'll be fine. Go ahead."

Ben turned back to the room and lifted his hands to call for silence again. "We are here tonight under very dark circumstances. We are here to celebrate a life taken from us too quickly. No one here really knew Jacob Whitten well, but we have found that he was a sad and troubled man. Still, we would like to celebrate his life and hold onto what joy we can find in the darkness as we join together tonight. I would like to add a candle to the darkness tonight and add my own joy to the evening. I have asked and my offer accepted by Miss Esther Mason to be my wife." There was thunderous applause as her father stood, helping her stand as well. He moved her to his chair, to stand next to Ben and Ben took her hand with an adoring smile. "We will be wed next Sunday after the sermon and I do hope you will all attend and share in this most beautiful day of my life. Also, I would ask that you offer up prayers for both of us in the coming week as we make arrangements and hurry to get things done, we are both new to this as we both enter a new world in the path that has been laid before us. Some of you may not know this, but I have been trying to catch her interest for some time now.."

"We knew!" a man shouted and many of them laughed.

"And I am blessed now in that she has finally seen it in her soul to offer me a chance. I will strive to be worthy," he said, turning to look down at Esther. She blushed and everyone cheered and shouted and raised cups high.

"And I will strive to be worthy of you," she whispered back, her eyes filling with tears. He quickly thumbed them away as they fell and helped her sit back down. He held onto her hand beneath the table as the women who were on the church committee began serving dinner.

Esther could not eat, the butterflies in her stomach as everyone kept looking at her and Ben were turning into swallows and then barn owls. She clutched his hand in both of hers, shrinking down a bit. He patted her hands gently with his free hand, then held it there over hers for several long moments. He was talking to the man on the other side of him, but he kept turning to her and smiling reassuringly.

When the dinner was finally over, Ben led her to a back wall to stand and she looked up at him, confused. His smile made his eyes sparkle and her breath caught in her throat as she looked up at him. His smile faded slightly and his face turned to wonder as he looked at her. "No one has ever looked at me like that," he whispered, raising his hand but not touching her face. Not in public. His fingers fluttered a moment, then he closed his hand and dropped it to his side reluctantly.

She understood why he had moved her back very quickly. A line was forming to speak to him and wish them both well and offer some lighthearted advice and some very frank advice as well. Esther managed to smile and nod and even laugh politely, but it was all very overwhelming. Was this what her life would be like now? So many people all the time? How did he stand it? The people finally wound down and her father was bringing up the rear of the line.

"Hope you don't mind Ben, it's late and I need to collect my daughter, at least while she is still may daughter," his smile was happy though and his tone was teasing.

"Of course David. Thank you all for staying so late and humoring me. Goodnight Esther. I hope I might see you in this next week? If we have time?"

"I would like that," she answered, letting him take her hand and kiss it.

The next day, all the businesses were shut down to get ready for the funeral services, but there was a commotion and several of the men in town were called to the inn to 'talk'. Ben and her father were among them. Esther was nervous, she knew it must have to do with Jake since they were putting off his services.

Esther sat in her fathers shop, watching the inn out the front window and pacing. Ben appeared first, leaving quickly, then pacing on the walk in thought. Finally, he walked across the street to the shop and came in.

"Hello Isaiah. I was wondering if I could take Esther for a walk? We won't be gone long, I just need a breath of air and some pleasant company for a bit," he said politely.

"Sure, just try to have her back before Pa starts getting antsy."

Ben offered his arm to her, but she was nervous. She took it gingerly and let him lead her out the door and away from town. It was the way she usually went to go to the creek when she walked alone. Ben was quiet for a while and she knew he had something on his mind. She quietly let him decide what he wanted to say.

"Sheriff Hank found some books in with Mt Whittens things. Journals. He was going to toss'm, but held them till he could find out if he had family somewhere. He got looking at one... then read them all. They... he... it turns out, if the things in those journals are true and not just fancy... he was a very very bad man." he said quietly.

"Many people said he was off," she said fearfully.

"Yes, I heard a lot of the same. Esther. The most recent journal... You told me about a man who hurt you in the stagecoach, but it didn't end there, did it? He kept you under his thumb for longer, didn't he? Hurt you? Every day? Made you his... slave?" Esther was shaking and tears were falling from her eyes, but she made herself keep walking and held her head high. "Sometimes... sometimes you cannot just walk away from a monster, can you?" he asked, his voice a little breathless. They arrived at the creek and he stopped, looking out at the gently flowing water. He turned and looked down at her, but she could not meet his eyes. "Esther," he began, but she cut him off.

"If you want, I will call it off, say I changed my mind. You don't have to.."

"No! No... you..." he sighed, almost angrily and she did look at him then, shocked. She had never seen him angry, but he was now. His jaw clenched and he looked out at the creek again. He grabbed her by the wrist suddenly and pulled her to the creek, walking in, pulling her behind him. She gasped and tried to pull away, the cold water a shock to her system. Was he going to drown her? She started flailing and struggling, but he pulled her against him and took hold of both of her wrists, holding them against her chest. He knelt slightly, holding her just above the water.

"I cleanse you, Esther Mason, of all sins past and present. I cleanse you and wash your spirit clean. You are reborn, Esther Mason in gods eyes and mine own." He ducked her under the water and brought her up, sputtering.

He led her out of the creek, both of them shivering. She looked up at him, her eyes wide. "I will see you Sunday, dearheart," he said gently. "And on that day we will be wed. Our lives will begin anew. Your life will begin anew and all the horrors you have known in the past, I will heal. I will show you how beautiful the world can be and how much goodness and love you can find in your fellow man. We are not all darkness, dearheart. I will show you. Come now, lets get you home before we both catch pneumonia and spend our first week as a married couple in sickbeds."

He hurried her home and her family was there, all of them gaping at her and Ben.

"What HAPPENED?" David demanded.

"I needed to be baptized," she answered, shivering.

Her mother threw a blanket around her and rushed to get her a hot tea.

"Es, you were baptized when you were 12!" he father practically shouted.

"I needed it to be done again, by my future husband. I need to go get dry clothes on, please excuse me." She rushed up the stairs and Ben turned to David.

"Sometimes we all need to be refreshed in the eyes of our lord, renew our dedication. I am also going to get dressed. What did the council decide?"

"No services, he was a man damned and deserves no community support. He will be dumped in an unmarked grave and no words said over him. We will pray for the girls he hurt and the men he killed and thank our lucky stars he wasn't here long enough to hurt one of our girls. Thank our stars he did himself in over the guilt of his own vile crimes. Don't tell Es, she doesn't need to hear about a thing like that."

"Of course not, I intend to never speak of it again. I wish I had never heard what I did hear."

"Hank should have considered you were too gentle a soul to have to hear those things. Go get yourself dry and warm Pastor."

The town was all abuzz about why the services had been cancelled. Most speculated he was being sent home to family, some thought maybe a will had been found and he'd asked for no to-do. None came close to the truth. The men in the meeting were sworn to secrecy and none of them wanted to talk about it anyway. Esther knew though. She knew and she knew Ben knew the real truth. He didn't care though, he didn't see it as her doing wrong. She had saved herself.

She saw Ben once, briefly, before Sunday. He had come into the shop to make a purchase for his home. Her father refused to show her the list and she couldn't pester him to see while her mother was fitting a dress on her. It had been her mothers, but it had to be hemmed and taken in almost everywhere.

Sunday morning was chaos. They didn't go to church, her mother and some of her friends rushing around and baking while Beth helped Esther get ready. Mostly she joked and teased Esther about her choice of husbands.

Esther stared at herself in the mirror, at the white dress. It was stained in her mind's eye, red stains of blood. She swallowed hard and turned away from the lie in the mirror. She let Beth fix her hair and arrange the little flowers in her hair.

The church was still full from the sermon when her father led her to the side door. From that point, it all happened quickly and in a haze. She stood in front of everyone, looking up at Ben while Sheriff Hank spoke over them. She didn't hear a bit of it as she looked up at Ben fearfully. When he gently squeezed her hands and smiled down at her with a shy smirk, she knew she had missed something.

"Do you..?"

"I do!" she said quickly, horrified that he was about to repeat the question. She blushed and looked down, horrified that she had seemed to hesitate. It was over before she had too much time to dwell on it.

Sitting in front of all of those people as the toasted and cheered and shouted, then danced to the loud and festive music was too much. She began to feel sick again. She was married. She had a husband and he knew everything. She had killed a man and he knew it. There was no way he could actually still care for her. No one cared for someone who could do such an awful thing and not be sorry for it. Especially not someone like Ben. Unless he was like Jake? Did he think to make her his slave? His personal toy? No. Not Ben, he could never do something so cruel, could he?