Esther

She nodded slightly. "Mr Whitting," she said softly. Beth looked at him and squeaked.

"Girls," he offered, nodding. He turned and made his way out, having to stop every few steps to meet someone new or say hello to someone who stopped him. He finally made it to the door and the small pastor smiled up at him and offered his hand.

"So good of you to come, I understand you are the new schoolteacher? I am Ben Newberry. Did you enjoy the sermon?"

"Jake Whitting, it was better than many I was forced to attend. No fire and brimstone. You have the knack of 'speaking softly, forcing people to listen' down well."

"It is indeed a fine tactic, I am sure you know all the tricks, trying to make your pupils listen."

"Indeed. Good day Pastor."

"Ben, please. Good day."

"Mr Whitting! Mr Whitting!" Beth called, running to catch up to him. "Mr Whitting, this is my pa, Dale Nesbitt and my ma Deli Nesbitt."

"Delilah, but everyone calls me Deli," the woman said quickly, smiling. Jake looked past the woman at Esther, walking out on her father's arm again. Pastor Ben took her hand in both of his and spoke to her with a bright smile and keen interest in his eyes. Esther smiled politely, but dropped her eyes, then cut her eyes over to Jake. She blushed again.

"We really would consider it such a treat to have you of course, our Beth has told us so much about you."

"What?" he asked, blinking at the woman. He knew he sounded rude, but he hadn't heard anything she had been saying.

"Dinner? This afternoon? I am making a fine ham."

"Thank you, no. I have too much work to do this afternoon," he said, turning away. He slipped away from the crowd and moved to where he knew Esther and her family would be walking before turning around to watch her again.

They were still talking to the pastor! In his mind, he draped the intestines around the man's neck and slit his eyelids off so he couldn't look away from the horrors Jake was performing on him.

Finally, the pastor shook Davids hand and they started walking towards town and the store. Jake stepped out of sight, moving down the walk a bit, then paced, waiting for them to come into view. They finally did, walking slowly, talking and smiling. Jake looked down at the book in his hand and walked slowly towards them, his head down.

"Mr Whitting!" David said pleasantly, making him look up from his book in mock shock.

"Hello again. Excuse me, I didn't mean to be in the way."

"No, of course not, did you enjoy the sermon?"

Jake stared at the man, but was acutely aware of Esther's big brown eyes looking up at him. "It wasn't what I was used to, the Pastor seemed... unenthusiastic. I have known men with much greater passion for their work. More conviction. Honestly, the few men I have met with so little passion for it were all men who seemed to be hiding from something or to shield their past wrongs with the good book. I could be wrong, but he just doesn't seem like his heart is in it."

"Well maybe you just caught the wrong sermon today. Ben is a fine young man. Maybe you could stop in for dinner with us this afternoon and see for yourself, he will be joining us. Around four?"

Jake felt sick. "No. Thank you. I accepted another offer already. Perhaps another time." He spun and left, never looking at Esther. He was furious. The man she had had designs on was having dinner with her in a few short hours! He would kill him. He would string him up and decorate the church with his organs. And her! She wouldn't sit for a week! He would rip her asshole open and make her beg for mercy.

He stormed into the little house the town had set aside for the schoolteacher and threw the little book he had used as a prop. He threw another book he had laying on his desk as well. He yanked his coat off, then his shirt and pulled out his knife. He sliced alongside another scar and a half healed wound, watching the blood slide down his arm as the pain drew away his anger.

"No!"

Her fearful scream made him jerk as he turned to her, his knife out. Esther was in the door, her hands over her mouth.

"No!" she cried again and rushed to him, her fingers fluttering over the wound.

What was she doing here?

She snatched up a dish towel and wrapped it around the cut, putting hard pressure on it. "Oh, why? Why would you do this? Sit here, please. Why Jake?"

He stared down at her dumbly as she knelt in front of him, her hands tenderly caressing his arm. She looked up at him, at his eyes, searching them. There was so much concern there.

"What are you doing here?" he finally managed.

"You were so upset... I didn't... I didn't want you to think I wanted to attend dinner with him. I slipped out, told Isaiah I was going to the creek for a long walk. I took a book, so he'd know I'd be gone a long time. I snuck here as quick as I could. Why would you hurt yourself this way?"

"Who are you?" he asked hoarsely.

"I am yours," she said softly, squeezing his arm. "Why Jake?"

"To let the anger out," he answered with a scowl. "Shut the door."

She jumped up and shut it quickly, then went back to kneeling in front of him, looking up at him expectantly. He held his arm out and she didn't question, she cleaned it and dabbed it with alcohol, then bandaged it. She cleaned up her mess, then knelt again, looking up at him. His heart was aching. She had come to him. Snuck away to be with him so he wouldn't be jealous.

"I want you," he said, still scowling.

"On the bed?" she asked softly.

"I want to put a baby in your belly so your dad will make you marry me."

She went red and looked down at the ground.

"That bother you?" he asked angrily.

"I just... I... why don't you just ask my pa for my hand?"

He froze. Was she saying he wouldn't have to make her? She would do it without being forced? "Do you understand what I am saying, Esther? I want to own you."

"I understand. If you come to dinner, spark me, ask my pa... I will tell him I want to and he will say yes."

"You will tell him you want to?" he asked flatly.

"Yes Jake."

"Just like that."

"Yes Jake."

"Take off your dress."

She jumped up and took off her dress quickly, then knelt again once she was naked. He stood and took off his pants, standing nude in front of her for the first time.

"Look at me. All of me. Stand up."

She stood up, her eyes taking all of him in. She walked slowly around him, her fingers trailing over him, like he had done to her. She paused behind him and kissed his back, along his spine. He closed his eyes and looked up, moaning. She kissed higher, then higher, going on tiptoe. She stepped up in his chair, turning him, leaving a trail of kisses up to his neck as she slid her hand around along his collarbone. He felt a cold whisper on his neck, and then burning. Shocked, his hands sprang up to his throat as blood shot out. He turned as he fell, looking up at her standing on the chair with his knife. Her eyes were cold and angry as she stepped down and leaned over him to watch him die.

"I belong to me," she whispered as he tried to ask her for help, but only managed to gurgle.

Esther shook as she cleaned herself up and wrapped his fingers around his knife. No one would suspect her, not with how often he had obviously hurt himself. He was unstable, erratic, everyone was already saying so. She was careful where she stepped and she dressed quickly, then made sure to leave nothing behind that might indicate her. She peeked out, then slipped out, going around the far side of town before going back home, her book in her arm. She was still in shock. Was it really over? She was so scared, it didn't seem over. She went in the back door and managed to smile at her mom who was pulling biscuits out of the oven.

"Chicken's almost done and Ben will be here any minute! Go get cleaned up, your hair is wild!"

"Sorry, there was a breeze by the creek and the book was good, I got a bit lost in it."

"Hurry up, don't be late!"

Esther went to her room and shut the door, then looked at herself in the mirror. Was that her? The girl with the pale face and the too big eyes? She brushed her hair and tied it back with a ribbon. Why was she shaking so badly? She had known her plan. First chance she got with that knife and she would take it. He looked so betrayed. He hadn't really thought she cared for him, had he? How could he? He was delusional. He had to be. She felt sick all over again as she thought of his words. Putting a baby in her belly. She prayed to every god ever that she wasn't already in that state. She would kill herself.

She sat down, but no sooner started to let tears rise than her brother shouted up to her. She didn't want to eat, she didn't want to see people, but she knew she had to. She had to be accounted for when Jake was found, just in case someone didn't think he killed himself.

She wiped her eyes, took a calming breath and went downstairs. She smiled at Isaiah as she entered the room, and sat down, smiling at Ben across from her. He smiled back, but didn't stop what he had been saying to her father. She listened to the two men talking, then her mother as well as they ate. Isaiah even chimed in a few times which was unusual for him.

"You are very quiet this evening," Ben said to her in his gentle, quiet way.

"I was just thinking. I thought maybe I wanted to be a teacher, for a moment, but the more I think about it, the more I realize it's not what I want. I wanted to teach so I could go to New York and meet writers. Maybe I could just try my hand at writing? Stay here, close to home."

"I think that is a much better plan," Ben said with his soft, shy smile. "We would surely miss your bright smile if you left us."

"I realized there were things I would miss here as well," she replied, dropping her eyes and blushing. She had realized, in that moment, that much could be fixed right then. It wouldn't matter if she came up pregnant if Ben were to finally ask her to marry him. He had been hinting, waiting for a sign, but her father was waiting on her word, fearing Ben was too old for her. She was afraid though, she did not want to bear Jakes child. She would have to find that tea she had heard about first. She did not want another monster in her life.

"Papa," she said softly, looking up. "I thought I might take another walk this evening."

"It's getting late pumpkin, you shouldn't be out alone after dark."

"Oh, I could walk with her, if you don't mind David?" Ben asked hopefully.

"Esther?" her father asked.

"Yes papa, I would like that," she smiled, standing.

Ben stood also and took her arm, leading her out the door. Esther was one of the few fully grown young ladies in the town who was short enough that they looked natural together. Both small and diminutive, both soft spoken.

He was stiff as he walked her down the wooden walkway and she knew he was nervous. He was seldom at a loss for words, in his line of work he couldn't be, but right now he was. She could tell he was racking his brain for something clever to say.

"It's a lovely night," she said wistfully. "Fall is coming in quick, there is already a nice chill in the air."

"Are you cold?" he asked quickly, immediately taking off his coat. He wrapped it around her shoulders and she smiled up at him.

"I like the cold. I love winter. I love the snow and the holidays and the joy."

"It is surely a beautiful time of year. I can imagine how rosy your cheeks will get in the cold."

"You seem a kind, gentle man, Ben. Are you truly?"

"I don't know if I understand your question?" he asked, confused.

"You. You seem kind and gentle. A good man. Are you, or is it a facade? A face to show your congregation?"

"I am sure we all have facades we put up, Esther, but I like to think I am a good and gentle man. I strive to be. Do you feel I am presenting a false front to you?"

"No... It's just hard to tell sometimes. Sometimes people are one way until they get what they want, then they are someone else entirely."

"I see. I have met many people on my road here. There is ugliness in this world, a lot of it. We can't let that change who we are. No matter what face we are shown, we should greet it with our true, selfless love for fellow man."

"I like that thought, but what if they are monsters? Should we still be good and faithful servants and allow them to use us?"

"No, Esther. Allow no one to use you. You simply have to walk away from people who would use you in that way. These are very deep thoughts, is there something you wish to talk about?"

"No, Ben, I was just thinking."

"The sun is setting, should we go back?"

"I am safe with you, aren't I? You aren't a wolf in sheep's clothing?"

"No, Esther, I am exactly who I am. Yes, you are safe with me. You will always be safe with me."

"Always, Ben?"

"Always... if you would think to consider it."

"Does it bother you that I am young?"

"I have joined many girls much younger than you to men much older than me."

"How old are you?"

"Thirty one. Does that bother you?"

"No, Ben. You are good and kind and gentle and always joyful. I have always felt... drawn to you."

"I saw the same in you. Not lately. The sadness in your eyes has haunted me. Going on three weeks now."

"You seem to be paying close attention, Ben."

"Why wouldn't I? So would you like to talk about it?"

"I went to visit my aunt a month ago. I came back a few weeks ago. There was a man... on the coach. He had a knife... he said I could not tell anyone."

Ben stopped, turning to her in concern. "Did he harm you? Did he touch you? What happened?"

"He... I do not want to talk about it, but my heart has been hurting. I thought... I thought I could not bear to have a man ever put a hand on me again. But a kind man, a gentle man... A man who would never think to hurt me..."

"Oh, Esther. I am so sorry for you sweet child. Did he... did he rape you? Take you against your will?"

Esther was humiliated, but she was also unsure what to say. She almost felt like he would feel like she was unclean and unworthy if she said yes. No. She refused to be a liar. "Please don't hate me,' she whispered, unable to stop the tears.

"Oh, no child, no!" he said, catching her before she collapsed. He went to his knees with her, holding her tight as she sobbed.

"Please don't tell papa, he will never look at me the same. I am spoiled and unclean."

"Hush, you can't think that way. This is not your fault. Esther, please. Don't cry? I can't bear to see you so upset? Esther. I still adore you, I will still pray every night, as I have for the past seven months, that you would see it in your heart to consider me as a husband? This changes nothing. Nothing at all. I would marry you tomorrow if you would have me. Even if... Even if... you might be with child already."

Esther pulled back and looked up at him. She shook her head. "No, you are too good a man for that, to raise a monster's child. I could not do that. I would hate it."

"No, child, no. It is a baby, you would love it and I would love it as my own. It would be a blessing and we would raise it to be a bounty to this world."

"But what if it's a monster like it's father?"

"It will also be half you. And you will be raising it, alongside me. If you will have me."

"I... I will think on it. And you have to ask my papa."

"Of course. Are you better now, can you walk?"

"Just a moment longer?" she asked softly. She had told someone. She had told Ben. Sweet, wonderful, loving Ben. He did not hate her. Would he put together the man on the carriage with Jake and know it was her? She tried not to think about it. She finally managed to stand, thanking him awkwardly for his kind words and a shoulder to cry on. "Please promise you will never tell papa?" she asked as they walked back, mostly in silence.

"I am sworn to silence concerning confessions."

"I though confessions were a different religion?"

He shrugged with a smile. "We all need to lay down our burdens sometimes. Are you better?"

"I am, I think. I think it helped to talk about it, tell someone."

"I am glad then. I am sorry you have borne this alone for so long."

He said goodnight to her at the front door and she gave him his coat back before slipping into the house. Her father looked at her from his chair expectantly. She blushed and smiled, then nodded slightly before going up to bed. Her dad grinned slightly and went back to his paper. Ben was a bit older, but he was a good man.

Esther woke early the next morning, her body aching. She rolled out of bed grumpily and went to get dressed. She stopped in shock for a moment, then flew into her clothes and ran down the stairs. She ran all the way to the church and pounded on the door of the small house behind the church.

Ben opened the door in his sleepshirt, looking alarmed. "Esther?" he asked, looking around to see what was wrong.

"I'm not!" she said happily, breaking down in happy sobs. "I'm not!!!" She was laughing, but also crying and he stood staring at her in open mouthed confusion. "I got my cycle!" She said by way of explanation, then laughed again at how humiliating it should have been to say that out loud to a man. He still looked completely befuddled. "Ben!" She said, twirling in a circle and pulling him out to spin with him. "I am not with child!" she whispered joyously.

His face lit up and he laughed as she spun him. "Esther, that is wonderful. I am overjoyed that you have that burden off your chest. May I come by in an hour to see you, after I am decent? Oh, I guess you are on your way to school though, aren't you?"

School. Oh. Right.

"Yes, I have school. I just... I just had to tell you. I know it's not proper... and completely out of line... I just had to share my joy with someone."

"I am glad it was me dearheart. May I come by after school, to speak to your father?"

"Yes! I will see you then!" she called happily, heading towards the school. She actually smiled when she saw Beth and Susan hurrying up to her. They went to class and there was a buzz when no one was there.

"Where is he?" Beth asked her, leaning close.

"I don't know," Esther lied. "I told him after church I wasn't going to come early anymore, that I wanted to be a writer, not a teacher. He didn't seem to really care, he seemed mad about something. Told me to leave him alone."

"Do you think he left?" Susan asked.

"I know he was acting odd at church. Ma asked him three times to dinner and he never even heard her, then when he did, he was so mean about saying no!" Beth whispered.

"My Pa asked him too," Esther said, "but he said he had plans already." She was quiet for a moment, then decided it would be odd if she didn't mention it, so she continued. "Ben did come to dinner though."

"And?!?"

"We took a walk after dinner."

"Oh, was he all romantic and reciting poetry?" Susan asked dreamily.

"No... but he did ask if he could come by after school today and talk to my pa."

"Oh! Oh Es, is he going to ask him? Are you going to say yes?" Susan cried.

"I think I am."

"Ben?" Beth asked. "Are you positive? He is so... quiet. And so... good."

"I like quiet and good. What's wrong with quiet and good?"

"It's boring."

"Well, I will go for boring over a boy like Seamus any day."

James stood up, looking around the class. "I'm going to go see if he slept in," he said grumpily, then left.

Esther felt sick, but she told herself to be calm, to breathe, pretend everything was fine.

"If you marry Ben," Susan asked frowning, "who is going to join you?"

"Oh, the sheriff I guess? Or maybe a pastor from another town?" Esther answered, thinking about it.

"Are you going to live in his tiny little house?" Beth asked.

"Why not? At least until we have kids."

"Oh kids. I can't imagine having kids with Ben?" Beth said, making a face. "Do you think all of him is small?" she asked in a whisper.