Eulogy for a Cad

But in our defense, and I followed Jimmy's example, the 'terms of engagement' were made clear right up front. 'Nothing serious,' 'one and done,' or 'just for shits and giggles,' were the terms of engagement. So, for most coeds it wasn't even a gray area. They were 'hot to trot' and ready to go. But as always when emotions and sex get involved, with some co-ed's it 'became' a definite gray area. They wanted fun and games to continue, maybe permanently. But it was still 'one and done' for me and Jimmy. 'Work, party, fuck 'em all and sleep light, Next!'

At the time I didn't realize what this conduct at the universities was doing to us. It was just setting in concrete and putting a shine on the destructive teachings of Queen Elizabeth, to all three of us. Later in life I fortunately found a good woman who made me pull my head out of my ass, and see things in the light of day, and I had Jimmy to thank for that too.

Jimmy got a second summer of playing house before mini-me Bethany fulfilled her destiny. Midpoint sophomore year came a drunken frat house party that left a 'baby on-board.'

Queen Elizabeth wasn't too mad, this baby daddy was highly acceptable. A graduating senior who would step right into law school, and an automatic position in his family's prestigious Dallas law firm. Oh yeah, he 'was' acceptable.

Especially with the high society wedding at The Cathedral Santuario de la Virgen de Guadalupe with even the Texas governor attending. That's 'the' Cathedral of the Roman Catholic Diocese of Dallas, Texas.

Queen Elizabeth must've been ecstatic, but neither Jimmy nor I got invitations..., we wouldn't have gone. The Three Musketeers had been broken a long time ago, and this was just the final nail in the coffin.

I noticed Jimmy didn't get his ring back either. Didn't ask about it, didn't talk about it, and had quit talking about her long ago. I tried to support him all I could and be there if he wanted to talk. It seemed like he'd expected this to happen. So when it did, it didn't hit him so hard, at least I didn't think so.

But something inside of him had died, and it showed up two years later. Bethany appeared back in Seguin Texas. With a toddler, two black eyes and bruises, plus divorce papers for adultery, hers. I wasn't surprised...

"Well, Jimmy at least you can get married to her now."

"I won't Davey, and she already knows I won't."

"Why the hell not!"

"In those counseling sessions after my parents got divorced. Father Garrett taught me of the sanctity of marriage. Even though my father and mother got divorced by the laws of our country, because they were married by a priest, they're still married in the eyes of the church, and in the eyes of God."

"It's the same with Bethany. Even though he'll legally divorce her for screwing around on him. They're still married and her kid still has a father that's not me."

"Oh, sure we'll play around and date for a while but I won't marry her. It'll just be temporary too. Bethany wants to be married, and that child needs a father figure and someone to help support them. But it won't be me."

The desire for a wife or family had died inside Jimmy. Bethany getting pregnant and married was what killed that desire. Emotionally it felt like a divorce to Jimmy just as much as his parent's had been, and like his dad, Jimmy never got married..., again..., not even close.

Jimmy and his dad had the Seguin house they lived in, but they also kept a place in both Austin and San Antonio, mostly for convenience in business travel. But the one in Austin was upgraded to a four-bedroom apartment in a complex somewhat close to UT-A.

Senior year I lived there with two other guys, plus occasionally Jimmy. One day Jimmy and the three of us, plus several friends hung out around the complex's pool drinking beer. Brett asked the question a lot of guys had wanted to.

"A real buddy would tell us the magic words you use to get all the girls to drop and spread for you." Between the eight of us poolside, 'several' six-packs had already bitten the dust.

"Well, I hate to disappoint ya Bret, but there are no magic words because every girl is different. Plus, you have to remember they're not stupid. So, when you hit them with your best practiced pickup line, you've just insulted them, and the only reason they'll answer you at all is because they want to, in spite of what you said, not because of it. Plus, they're probably inwardly laughing at you too."

"What would you think Brett if you're playing pickup basketball on some play-ground, and this guy you didn't know came up to you and said you played better than Michael Jordan?"

"Yeah, I see what you're saying. He'd be blowing smoke up my ass because he wanted something."

"Would something so obvious make you feel good? Or would you respect him more if he just talked to you about what he wanted?"

"Yeah, I guess, but you can't go around asking a girl if she wants to fuck!"

"Actually Brett, I've seen a guy do exactly that and get laid. Granted he probably got slapped or kicked in the nuts a great deal more often than he got laid. But I wouldn't be surprised if he got laid more often than you'd think he would."

"Because, even though girls won't admit it, even to themselves, they go to dance halls and bars for the same reasons we do. They've just had all those years of training to be 'good girls' who can't admit to wanting or doing those types of things. Although this generation of girls are getting less indoctrinated. Some of them think they can be sluts sometimes and good girls most of the time."

"But I won't comment on or judge that because morality's not what we're talking about, neither is courting nor romance. I'm no expert on those and I don't want to be. I'm just talking about picking up toys in a dance hall or club. Girls who might, borrowing your expression, drop and spread."

"Another thing girls won't admit to, is what dancing is to them. Dancing is a vertical test drive for the possible horizontal dance that follows. Even if the horizontal dance never happens that test drive gives them a couple things toys really want. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to tell you I understand what women want, because I don't. No man truly does."

"But because you asked for my 'magic words' I'll tell you my philosophy on picking up toys in a dance hall or club. Keep in mind I won't give you relationship or romance advice. This is just advice on looking for a toy to fuck at the Longbranch Saloon on a Friday or Saturday night."

"It all hinges on what that 'test drive' gives the woman, but keep in mind not all women are the same or want the same things. For instance, not all test drives succeed by being the best dancer. In fact, sometimes success goes to the worst dancer, who makes her laugh or meets some other need or desire in her. Test drives don't even have to be dancing, just something or someplace that allows her to draw your attention to only her, one-on-one, even if it's in a crowd. The test drive is how well do you give her what she wants."

"Money's important, I don't mean like a sugar daddy. What I mean is people spend their money on what's important to them. So in that vein, I'll ask the question, 'What do women spend their money on?' "

"Shit, that's easy, clothes and makeup."

"Bingo Gar, clothes and makeup, but why do they spend their money on those things? Is it just for vanity? Or to put it a different way, what do clothes and makeup get them that's so important to them?"

"I thought about saying, to get men, but everyone knows women don't dress for men. They dress for what they themselves or other women like."

"True Davey, but what I'm after is even more basic. Regardless of the style or who they dress for, why are they getting dressed up when they go out?"

"Well, I suppose to attract attention, to get men to ask them to dance, buy them drinks and flatter them."

"Close, at least the first and the last. The middle two are byproducts of the attention and the flattery. But I really don't like the word flattery. It can have a negative or an insincere connotation thus getting a bad response from some women. Plus, it's not 'exactly' what they're looking for, in my opinion."

"I'll use the Michael Jordan example again. Telling Brett he plays better than Michael Jordan is obviously a lie. We've all seen him play and we know better than that..."

"Hey, I'm not that bad!"

"Well, you're obviously not that good. And that's exactly my point, when you tell some toy in the bar, she's the most beautiful woman you've ever seen, she knows it's a lie too. So, by saying that she knows you're a liar, or blind and live on the North Slope of Alaska."

"90+ percentage of flattery given in a club or dance hall is just that false or insincere. Boys, we have to face the fact that since puberty we've been horn-dogs. By the same token, girls have been hit on by us and every other available male since they've reached puberty, almost constantly. They've become experts on recognizing insincere flattery, or to put it another way, our bullshit."

"So why does any of our bullshit work? Here's several points to pay real close attention to. Our bullshit works..., because 'they' want it to, or allow it to. Like the next time Davey tells a girl, 'Your eyes are like liquid blue sapphires.' Bleck, that line sucks and it's been used 50 billion times in Austin alone. Doubtlessly on more than a few green-eyed girls."

"But Davey's dance partner fondly looks up at him with her silver-gray eyes and presses her soft breasts into his manly chest, Why? Because she wanted to, because his bungling attempt at flattery gave her one of those two things she needs/wants to get from your test drive..., Validation. I like that word a lot more than flattery."

"So, she presses her tits against him to give him positive reinforcement to continue giving her what she wants. Validation and Attention, those two Brett are your magic words. Attention even more than Validation."

"I think Attention is every toy's major weakness. They seem to desire it even more than money or love, especially toys in a dance hall environment. After all, that's why they got all dolled up and went out. That goes double for married women who are 'just out dancing with the girls."

"So, I have three steps in picking up toys in dance halls or clubs. Number one is selection, number two is approach and validation, and the third is searchlight and agreement."

"Searchlight! What's a searchlight got to do with anything?"

"Well Ernie my man, that's your secret weapon. But I'll get back to it later."

"A lot of women say men are stupid. But what they're really saying is men rarely can understand the signals a woman uses or what they want, something that's ridiculously easy to them or other women. We don't understand, ergo we're dumb."

"It's true, men are usually very blind to the signals women send. The reason though is really simple..., we don't pay attention. But that's one of the major skills you have to use in picking up toys. Because women use signals, eye contact and body language with much more skill and regularity than men ever thought of, and they use it intentionally and for a direct purpose. So, what you have to do is play their game, you don't have to win, just play."

"You college boys and your book learnin' might search for a book on the psychology of body language or something about the 'unspoken language.' The only other way to learn is by observation, practice and most of all..., paying attention."

"First thing you do when you step into a dance hall is see who's looking at you. If they glance at you for more than a couple tics, they're the ones interested in you. Pay attention to their facial expressions and body language in those first few tics. Your gut reaction will tell you if it's positive or negative."

"Those scowling, forget and move on. The positives, glance away from but mark and check back every little bit to see if they're still glancing at you. If they are, they're interested in you, clue..., that's a signal. They won't stare at you; it'll be quick little glances of eye contact. Remember good girls can't hustle guys."

"Don't pick out a beautiful girl or one you think's exceptional. It's 10 o'clock, or later, Friday night at the Longbranch Saloon and before 2 o'clock you want to have a toy under your arm and looking for quiet privacy. Pay attention to the girls peeking at you with interest, they're already halfway there."

"So, you must play their game of short looks expressing interest. In the early stages don't dwell too long or too intensely on them. But by the same token don't appear too shy or unconfident. So, when you look away don't stare at the wall or a TV, be seen as participating in something else, such as talking to someone or taking a drink."

"One of the first few looks though, don't turn away immediately. Give them a complete 'once over,' not an oogle or a leer and for God sakes don't stare at their tits. But do a complete, respectful perusal, top to bottom, indicating to them you like what you see. Close that look with a nice smile but still shift your gaze away. Keep up this little game of teasing glances until you make your choice of which toy you want to take to the next step."

"But still in this early selection phase don't settle on one toy. Pay attention to all the others who looked at you and are continuing to glance at you, or any others that started looking. A little competition between them is to your advantage, and believe this, they can spot female competition in a heartbeat." " But a few don'ts to remember are: don't pick the prettiest toy in the bar, unless she's paying you a 'lot' of attention. She'll probably have most of the guys in the bar sniffing after her, so she'll have a shit-load of choices to make. But being so pretty and so much in demand she might not have to make a choice at all. She can make a choice anywhere or anytime. In short, she'll take a lot of time and effort."

"Friday night down at the Longbranch Saloon you're not looking for someone to take home to mama or to make beautiful babies with. You want to get laid and the prettiest toy in the place is a 'maybe' at best, with a lot of time and effort required."

"Along those same lines of effort required are the ones who looked at you negatively. I heard a statement one time that took me a little while to realize."

"Most women decide in the first two or three seconds if they would fuck you or not."

"No horn dogs, that's 'would' not 'will.' We have to admit we do the same thing, usually even quicker. One glance and we're at either a thumb-up or thumb-down decision. But the difference between men and women here is radical."

"Most the time if we 'thumbed down' a girl, then she came over and bared her tits, laid a tonsil twisting smacker on us, ye olde planting stick pops his head up and changes the vote to..., Hell Yeah! She'd have to be a real dog not too. Well, maybe she wouldn't even have to bare her tits, we'd change our vote over a superb lip lock."

"But a woman who looked at you and voted thumbs down will take a lot of work and a long time to change her vote, possibly..., maybe change, certainly more time then is available Friday night at the Longbranch."

"(LOL) If..., (Lol) if you went over to her table, unzipped and laid your dick on the table while trying to kiss her..., (Lol) you'd end up with a beer bottle slammed on your dick and 86'd out of the bar. Unless of course, you're hanging 12 inches of black donkey dong... Strange, nowadays some girls choose black dick over white, just because it's black. They must have a really great publicist campaigning for BBC."

"Oops, sorry guys, number eight beer is trying to distract me. (Lol) Well, where was I..., oh yeah..., step two. Approach and Validation, approach is easy, it's validation that's hard and guess what guys? All it takes is..., paying attention."

"So after you made your selection, and before you approach, you need to watch her carefully with validation in mind. In other words, you need to find something, several somethings, you can compliment her on with complete sincerity. And, no dick-head moves like: great tits/knockers/jugs/fun-bags or ass/butt/booty/caboose!"

"Something I use sometimes is if a woman is uncomfortable with a blouse and skirt she wore she'll tug on it or pull it trying to make it less revealing. Complementing her on it will give her validation, even if it's only for the clothes she wore. But it's a start, and it gets your foot in the door. Her pretty ears, long neck, or the way she walks are some examples that might work too. But stay away from: eyes, legs, butt or breast as those will immediately sound suspect and insincere, certainly not original."

"Like I said Approach is easy. You only have to make it sincere and realistic, but most of all simple. Don't try your best practiced pickup line or some long winded type of flattery. Most often a hand held out in the invitation to dance is sufficient. Or the polite request for the pleasure of a dance. If you've correctly played the game of little teasing glances expressing your interest, she'll already know what you're asking. But courtesy and manners are never wrong, chivalry especially."

"When you decided she's the one, it's time to turn up the heat. Here Ernie is where the searchlight comes in. Because that's what I call it, 'the searchlight'. It's much more than being put in the spotlight. When I say searchlight two small video images come to mind."

"A black and white World War II movie, I believe it was called, 'The Battle for Britain', or something similar. The Germans would hold night bombing raids over England. When the English would hear them coming, they'd turn on the air raid sirens and searchlights. These big searchlights would shine up hundreds or thousands of feet in the air trying to illuminate the German aircraft for the British anti-aircraft gunners. Searchlights powerful enough to shine a beam up thousands of feet. Certainly, stronger than a spotlight."

"The second image is from a red-carpet event to: a movie premiere, or the Oscars, or somethin' like that. They had searchlights pointing up into the sky but it had started raining. Someone panned the camera, and it had a short interval of one searchlight in the rain. Most of the rain evaporated before it contacted the glass covering the searchlight bulb. What rain drops hit the glass sizzled and vanished like they'd hit a superhot skillet."

"Those are two images into the attitude needed for the next step. Which is that same Validation and Attention dialed up to maximum power. Total focus and total attention only on the toy you selected. Your attention is so focused if another girl dancing near you peels off her top..., you don't even look!"

"Keep dancing a few tics after the band stops, like your totally engrossed in only her, and are surprised the music stopped. Now's the time to keep touching her, the small of her back, shoulder, arm, hair and the back of her neck. Intimate touches, but no dick-head moves like grabbing her tits or ass."

"Validation, like you can't keep your hands from touching her, but pay attention. If touching makes her uncomfortable back off a little, but don't stop. Slowly increase again as she becomes more comfortable with the contact."

"Take your attention away from her dancing or her clothes, even her body. Center your attention on her face and eyes like you're trying to see 'into' her.

"When you feel you should kiss her or she looks like she wants you to, do what I call an approach kiss. Move to kiss her but stop an inch away. Make her close and finish it, in other words, make her invest in the kiss. The same with the closing agreement or, 'sealing the deal.'