Eulogy for a Cad

Ernie had two things he did well, drive fast and gossip. Ernie lived for those two, and he became one of those fortunate people who found a job that strangely fit both..., an ambulance driver.

So, from the pounding on my door at 4:30 one morning and Ernie's voice on the other side, I knew something really bad had happened. Ernie had a story to tell me and it couldn't wait. He barely got done stammering and stuttering enough to get out "it regarded Jimmy", before Carrie got into her robe enough to bring me mine. I'd bailed out of bed in just my boxers!

They'd got the 911 call for an emergency run with shots fired a little before 2 AM. Ernie said enough cop cars were there he had a hard time finding a place to park the ambulance by the house. The red and blue lights lit up a two-block radius.

The first thing he heard was 'Officer Down.' A police officer had been shot and killed, and that was the reason for the overwhelming response.

Because of the shots fired there was a delay before they let the paramedics and Ernie onto the scene. Ernie said what he gathered from the cops talking was someone had fired the last shot as they pulled up. That's why they had to 'clear the scene' before they let the paramedics in.

They found two dead men and one grievously wounded woman when Ernie first got in there. One of the men was Jimmy, shot twice in the back. The other dead man had a police uniform on, with the top of his head blown off... Suicide, the shot heard when the police pulled up.

The woman had been trapped under Jimmy's body. She'd been shot twice in each knee, then the gun had been pressed side-on against her face and fired. The bullet tore a deep furrow from her mouth out past her ear. It even took off part of her cheekbone as it passed, that shot might even mess up her vision and hearing on that side.

Ernie said, he listened to the cop's speculation as he helped stabilize the woman and got her ready for transport.

The preliminary supposition was: husband came home and caught them in bed together. Jimmy's position was raised up on his knees somewhat. So, when he was shot twice in the back the bullets passed through him and into the wall above the bed. Ernie thought Jimmy might not have even realized he'd died, both shots hit his heart.

The woman was trapped under Jimmy when her husband double tapped her knees and furrowed her face. But even through my tears I understood his reasoning...

He didn't want her dancing and to be pretty ever again...

Ernie said, one of the other officers knew the dead husband. He informed everyone the couple had a young daughter somewhere between the ages of 1 & 2. Fortunately, she wasn't in the house during the incident. Police speculated the daughter was the reason the husband left the woman alive. A young child needs at least one parent and being a toddler needed a mother more...

The husband had made the 911 call. He then pulled up a chair and sat by her waiting for the EMS services. When he heard the police pull up outside..., He ate his gun right in front of her...

They figured that out from the time difference between the 911 call and the last shot fired.

"Hey hon, Father Donnelly looks like he might be winding down his sermon. You probably should come in real soon."

"Yeah, thanks love, I'll be ready in just a couple more minutes."

You big liar! You're no closer to being ready than when you sat down here and burned your ass! Dummy, needlessly lying to your wife! Yeah, my wife Carrie..., and I somewhat have to thank Jimmy for that too.

A couple of years after college, Jimmy and I lounged at the Longbranch, also doing our usual cruising for toys. I turned my head to check up on Jimmy's progress on the dance floor...

My eyes snagged and slammed to a halt..., on a petite Angel!!

Fire flame ran down her back to her perfect bottom, an elfin face full of dusty freckles and vivid green eyes that riveted me from across the room!

The checklist for my most perfect woman, I didn't know I had even made. Clicked off all its checkboxes in two beats of my pounding, thudding heart. Those vivid green eyes shone bright, because they smilingly looked up..., highlighted by Jimmy's searchlight, that had never failed...

My head snapped back to the table and my beer bottle...

My world faded to gray and the noise of the bar disappeared to silence. My world tunneled onto that beer bottle as I started picking little pieces of paper from the label. I'd always hated people that did that.

In that instant I intensely, passionately hated..., really hated my best friend. Because his searchlight never failed..., and little pieces of paper continued falling...

The hand on my shoulder, snapped me around because I didn't want it to touch me. Shocked, I looked up into fire flame and vivid green...

"Davey, I think this girl must be brain damaged and has defective vision, because she says she wants to meet you..." Jimmy's voice stalled out because she didn't say anything and I couldn't. "Ah..., Carrie, her name's Carrie..." Silence reigned again for heartbeats, maybe heartbeats, it could've been hours, I didn't know and didn't care.

"Carrie, this mute dummy's name is Davey, and he's been my best friend for our whole life. He's the best man I know, maybe the best man in the world."

Heartbeats and silence thudded again for a while, as I stared up into luminescent green and green stared back. "Take good care of him and he'll take good care of you", as Jimmy broke the silence.

While I still stared up into mesmerizing green, the large dark shape of Jimmy appeared on the edge of my vision, leaning into my ear. "You remember B and your turn at Kissy face and Stinky finger?" My nod was almost microscopic. "Well, now we're even." And I knew what he meant.

Jimmy's dark shape leaned away from me as I still stared up into... A video I'd seen and remembered as extremely beautiful. A dark winter night in the frozen northern territories of Canada. It was beautiful because of the overhead flowing, wandering river and shimmering, swirling little streams of black night and iridescent green of the Aurora Borealis, whose color never came close to the beauty of the green I stared into. This green too had swirling currents of emotions and feelings, surprisingly I easily read them... A small hand crept into mine...

Nineteen years, two boys and a girl, innumerable dogs and cats. One pony and a horse. Three houses, T-ball- dance classes- gymnastics- football- basketball- screeching violin-wailing guitars and a drum set pounding from our garage. A car lot of well used vehicles, and five jobs, three for me and two for her, well three for her..., Mother.

In that most important way, her hand has never left mine, and mine will never-ever leave hers.

We danced and partied with Jimmy for about a year after we married. But one night started changing that. We both watched as Jimmy led a toy out of the door of the Longbranch. Carrie's party mood fell.

"Hon, what's wrong?"

"I know her Davey, I don't mean she's a friend of mine but she's more than just an acquaintance."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Well, she's been married for less than two years and she has a six-month old baby."

"You know Jimmy's always said, 'they're free, white and over twenty-one' so he won't judge or deny their choice." (An old cliché not a racial comment.)

"That's just it Davey, I also know she's being treated for post-natal depression. So, she might not be in her right mind enough to make a choice."

So, we headed out the door of the Longbranch to catch them. Only to watch the taillights of Jimmy's truck pulling away. We tried, but knowing Jimmy his cell phone would be off. In his steps of Attention and Validation an interruption by cell phone didn't fit.

Later Jimmy and Carrie 'discussed' things and came to a detente. They agreed when we were with him, he wouldn't pick up any married toys. But he wouldn't promise not to do that when we weren't with him. That started discussions between Carrie and me leading to my..., our pulling away from partying with Jimmy. But soon Carrie became pregnant with our first boy, Jacob, and drinking and partying stopped anyway...

Damn, I 'really' have to get in there. But I'm no closer to knowing what I'll say than I was yesterday!

Standing up here at the pulpit, I'm almost in a panic... But as I gaze out over the crowd, and it is a crowd, I start seeing and recognizing faces of Jimmy's friends..., our friends. My eyes snagged on Bethany, her father and Queen Elizabeth. I can feel my face harden and my eyes become sharp. Bethany can see that and her head lowers in what I think might be shame. As my eyes continue on, I see faces that would recognize the story of Queen Elizabeth and Bethany, and my smile is feral. Maybe I could...

But my eyes catch on the red eyed, deflated figure that's Pa Barrett. Seated next to him is Jimmy's mother Carolyn, alongside her is Rose. The small baby who'd been so important to Jimmy, now grown up. She has to be aware of the reason for this tragedy, and Jimmy's part in it. But I don't think she knows anything about the rest of what Jimmy was.

My eyes catch on another pair of faces and I decide what I'm going to do...

"I'm sure we've all heard of the reasons for the tragedy that's brought us all here today. But I don't think that's why I'm here." Gazing down at Rose, I wink. "I know there're people here who might not know the rest of what Jimmy was like I do, that'll be my purpose here today."

My eyes slide over to the pair of faces I'd noticed. "Lyle, do you and Mary still own that little blue Honda?" It was a rhetorical question, so I didn't allow an answer and continued on. "One Friday afternoon Jimmy spotted a little blue Honda on the side of the road. The hood was up with steam and smoke coming out around the figure of a woman, a friend of ours named Mary."

"When Jimmy pulled to the side of the road, he saw her two young children in the backseat. One look under the hood was enough and Jimmy knew it was terminal. Oil and metal on the ground is not a roadside repair."

"Jimmy piled Mary and her kids into his truck and drove them home. Jimmy realized Mary had no help because her husband was military and deployed in the Middle East."

"En route toward their home Jimmy made several phone calls. The first to a towing company for a flatbed to bring the car back to Mary's garage. The other calls were to me and another friend of ours, Earl. Yeah, I see you back there too Earl. We were told to bring our toolboxes ASAP, and Earl brought his engine hoist too."

"Then the three of us started pulling the engine out of Mary's Honda. Jimmy wasn't much help though. He called all the auto part stores in Austin and San Antonio trying to find a new short block and gasket set for their car. It must've been about 8-9 o'clock when he headed off to Austin, he'd talked one guy into staying there until Jimmy picked up the engine."

"A little after 11 Earl and I got the engine out and everything cleaned up. We'd stripped everything we needed off the old engine, and stuck it in the back of Earl's truck for disposal. Then Earl and I headed home for a couple hours shut-eye, Jimmy hadn't returned yet."

"Saturday morning found me and Jimmy again in Mary's garage, only this time a brand-new engine sat on the floor waiting for us. We didn't get started right away though, Mary had omelet's, taters and coffee ready for us."

"A little after ten Manuel showed up, another friend of ours. Hola Amigo." As I nodded my head toward where he sat. "But Manuel worked for the Honda dealership in town and Jimmy hired him to make sure we got the car put back together right. Jimmy made a few phone calls and disappeared again while Manuel and I finished the final steps."

"Around 5 o'clock Manuel and I washed up. When finished we were ushered into Mary's backyard where we found: our wives and kids, dogs and cats, plus Earl and his family. Jimmy had gone to a deli and brought back huge trays; of fried chicken, spaghetti, garlic bread and green salad, plus potato salad, hot dogs and buns for the kids, and several large coolers of ice, beer and pop.

"Sunday morning the blue Honda and Mary took her kids to church the same as they always did..., to light a candle and pray for dad."

"Couple months later Lyle rotated back home. He called Jimmy and me to meet him at the Longbranch. Right away he ordered a round of beers, and passed Jimmy an envelope with a bunch of money in it. He immediately started thanking us for all we did to help his wife."

"Jimmy stood up and pushed his chair back, and stepped up to stand on it. He did that thing everybody's seen him do before, put two fingers in his mouth and whistle loud enough to be heard in Oklahoma. It 'was' loud enough to silence the band and everyone in the bar."

"Hey everyone, I'd like to introduce y'all to Marine Corps Sergeant Lyle Jacobson. He's just gotten back from serving our country in the sandbox. For all you militarily challenged people that means the Middle East, where they shoot at ya. While he was there serving our country, I had the small opportunity to help his wife and kids. Now he shows up here today with this envelope of money wanting to pay me back. Should I take it?"

'HELL NO '..., 'NO' or several other negative remarks were 'definitively' expressed from the crowd.

Jimmy made a half-as..., 'er hearted Salute, "Sergeant Jacobson thank you for your service." The response from the crowd was as positive as the last one had been negative. "Thanks everyone, go back to your fun now." And Jimmy sat down...

"Buy me another beer and we'll call her square." Jimmy said as he slid the envelope back to Lyle.

"I see Robert Benison back there too. Bob's worked for Barrett and Son Roofing for quite a few years. Several years ago, a very minor slip and fall turned into a major one when it shouldn't have. Jimmy always make sure his crews had all the OSHA required safety equipment and then some. That day Bob's equipment failed, and he ended up in the hospital pretty seriously injured."

"Jimmy paid for all the hospital bills and deductibles their insurance didn't cover. He made up the difference between what Workmen's Compensation paid and Bob's full wage, for the entire time Bob was off."

"Jimmy had a metallurgy test performed on the hook failure in Bob's safety harness. When it proved faulty Jimmy hired Bob an attorney for a personal injury lawsuit against the safety harness manufacturer."

"Plus, while everything else was going on Jimmy paid for and signed Bob up for an online bookkeeping and payroll certification course. That's the job Bob came back to when he recovered enough to return to work."

"I see Marla Stewart, no wait, that's Marla Brown now. Marla was one of Jimmy's roadside 'damsel in distress' rescues. Except her roadside rescue was a lot easier than Mary's had been, just a flat tire."

"But, in changing it out Jimmy noticed the spare was in sad shape. Investigating the other tires, he saw why she got the flat, and another one was imminent. Marla was a widowed single mother with a young son. Apparently, she wasn't having an easy time of it."

"So, over her objections Jimmy drove her car over to Costco™ and put on four new tires and a spare. He also started picking up her young son Teddy like a big brother would, to play catch with or take him to the batting cages. Even took him camping and fishing a few times. Just temporarily until Marla could find a good man who didn't mind a package deal with a young son included. It looks like she has.

"Jimmy had a lot of good in him..."

God Damn..., oops..., fiddlesticks. Yeah fiddlesticks I'm glad that's over. I not only had to talk, I'm also one of the pallbearers. The long walk down the church aisle really hit me hard, way harder than having to talk about him. I suppose it's because I anticipated the next walk I had to take Jimmy on, the walk to the grave...

So here I am standing in the hot South Texas sun again, waiting to go to the cemetery. I'm waiting behind a couple of the other pallbearers to get into the long black limousine that's set aside for us...

AH SHIT, the taste in my mouth just turned to shite and the bile in my stomach starts roiling. All because of what I see plowing its way toward me. Yeah plowing, because I don't call her Queen Elizabeth anymore, I call her Queen Elizabeth II the fucking ocean liner. To say the years have added a little bit to Queen Elizabeth's putting it mildly.

She's closer to 300 pounds than she is to 200. She's never been a beauty and now that beady-eyed, piggy face with its pinched in, frustrated mouth is cast in stone, gray unhealthy stone.

"I've known you and Jimmy for a long time Davey. I'd like to express my con..."

I SPIT in her face!

Right between those beady little eyes. "I don't want your fucking condolences. I don't want 'anything' from you! In fact, I hate your fucking guts! You're a large part of the reason why Jimmy's laying over there in his coffin. All your dating rules, your screaming temper tantrums, your controlling manipulations sure spoiled two good kids didn't it!!"

"In your queenly ego Jimmy was never good enough for your princess mini-me was he! Yeah, it must really bite your ass knowing Jimmy could've bought and sold anyone of those three 'acceptable' husbands."

"Yeah, three divorces and looking for a fourth husband. You proud of what you taught them! You've got three grandkids, one white, one brown and one black. I'm no racist but I know it sure bites 'your' ass. It must make you proud to listen to the other old biddies whisper behind their hands about how fucked up your life is."

"The only thing I want from you is your fucking absence. Now go fuck-off and DIE!" I slid into the last seat of the limo and slammed the door. "DRIVE, get me out of here before I do something really stupid!"

Oh shit..., Carrie and Kelly are 'really' going to kick my ass! Yeah, Kelly; my flame haired, green eyed, freckle faced, Bonnie Irish Lassie of a daughter who's got the same temperament as her mother. All sweetness, light and rainbows until you piss 'em off, then holy hell breaks loose.

Small turn of my head puts me looking back toward where Queen Elizabeth II still stood. I could barely see her mouth still hanging open as we pulled farther away; but in my mind, I giggled to think of my spit still dripping off her face.

But what I see over her shoulders causes me even more mirth. Bethany and her father were arm-in-arm 50 feet away from Queen Elizabeth..., and rapidly getting farther away!

Epilogue.

3 days later a letter showed up in my mailbox:

Davey,

I know we haven't been close for a long time, but I have to thank you. Jimmy's death hit me really hard and shook me emotionally. But when you accosted Mom, the things you said were an epiphany to me. They forced me to start looking at my life from a different perspective.

I love my mom and she's always been one of the major forces and influences in my life. But, maybe because of that love I've never looked on the things she did from another's perspective. Looking at it in the light of what you said I can see that you're probably right, in her own selfishness she hurt both Jimmy and I.

I've decided I'm going to view Jimmy's death as a wake-up call for my life. I'm in the process of finding a therapist to help me make some real changes in my life. Thank you Davey.

B

Not a week later I found myself staring at another envelope with the return address of Delaney, Delaney and Woodworth. The law firm Barrett and Son Roofing used, and I've been expecting the letter.

Years ago, I'd signed some papers that would allow me to help the company if an emergency happened. I guess this could be construed as an emergency. I hadn't paid too much attention to the wording of the papers I signed, I trusted Jimmy and signed where they told me too. Now, I hoped I hadn't made a mistake, hoped it wouldn't take time away from my family and my job.