Falling in the Snow

"Jesus, son, why would you do such a thing...? I don't even know what to say." He sighed. "And now you want me to correct it...?"

"Dad! Please, I swear, I will be the best employee you can imagine, I will make up for my stupidity, please, give him a chance, please!"

He snorted, then... long silence.

"Why is it so important, Silas? Please tell me the truth."

I swallowed. Fuck. Did he feel I was hiding something from him?

Now or never? Was I gonna fight or give up? And go even deeper into the web of endless lies? I closed my eyes, hearing my heart pounding.

"He's my boyfriend."

The moment the words came out of my mouth I felt a weird power in me. It was like... in this second, I matured. Weird, almost shocking feeling. I straightened up, making the inner decision, I would take everything he would say with dignity.

"Is he really that good?"

I blinked. Did he really ask only about that?

"Yes, he is! Amazing. I will speak with him, so he will send you his CV."

"Okay," I could hear resignation in his voice. "I'll give him a chance if he really is good, Silas."

"You won't... ask anything more?" I still couldn't believe it.

"Son, I trust you know what you are doing. I will support you no matter what. I want to believe I raised you right. And I want your happiness, Silas. Always."

"Thank you dad! I appreciate it, very much! I... really, really try my best not to fail you."

"I hope you do, son..."

This night I spent on the edge, having trouble sleeping, tossing from one side to another.

Sebastian didn't respond, which was pretty upsetting, but I kinda could understand the state of mind he was in.

He probably hated me now. The situation was my fault, no matter how much I didn't want to admit that, but that was the truth. My childish courting cost him his job. There was no way around it.

Early in the morning I took shower and asked my sister to lend me her car, a Lexus NX.

I didn't have my own, living only on campus for the last few years.

She agreed only because it was a Saturday, and she didn't have to go to work. She worked in our father's company as well, but she was also designing her own jewelry having her small sole proprietorship.

Because of the traffic, I was at the college campus around 10:00 AM, pretty frustrated, it took so much time.

I stormed inside the teacher's building and started to knock on Sebastian's door pretty intensely.

However, nobody responded...

After some time of relentless pounding, the neighboring door opened and some older professor looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"Excuse me... Is Professor Nolan home?" I asked.

The man winced.

"No. Nolan was fired yesterday. He took his belongings and left campus in an hour, no delays. It was what was expected from him. And you... are?"

I ignored him and ran from the building, feeling my heart beating super quick. I pulled out my phone and started to call Sebastian again, but... no answer!

At that moment, I started to feel real fear.

Did he... leave college and... me?

He didn't want to have anything to do with the kid that got him fired... Person who destroyed his career, let's be honest.

I felt an unpleasant cramp in my stomach.

No, no, no. I needed to speak with him first, before jumping to conclusions.

How could I contact him? I only knew his phone number. He came to New York from Boston, where he lived with Adam.

So I sat on the stairs of the building and thought for a while.

I remembered Sebastian's weirdly calm face, just before he ordered me to go.

His behavior was pretty weird, a bit unexpected!

He was usually pretty sensitive and reactive. So, something was not right here. I needed to dig deeper.

Finally, I started to google or rather try randomly to find some clue.

"Adam" "died" "2021" "car crash" "Boston" "architect" (I knew Adam was an architect). Also "gay couple" "college professor husband died" "Sebastian Nolan husband", all possible combinations I could come up with. Nothing was catching my eyes, but after a couple of minutes I remember Sebastian mentioned one time Adam was an architect of one of the new stadiums in Boston. It helped, I finally got his name, "Langer" Adam Langer - was an architect and I found his obituary at legacy.com.

There was also mention of his sister's name: Charmaine, and her husband's surname.

It gave me the first glimpse of hope, as I managed to find this woman on Facebook, as her name was pretty rare. It turned out to be helpful.

They had a small company selling souvenirs, gifts and handmade crafts. There was an address. I knew it was a long shot, but I had to do something. So, I decided to drive to Boston, as it was only about a two-hour drive from the campus.

The whole way I was thinking intensely about what I should say to these people, how to ask them... for their ex-brother-in-low address? Crazy. Insensitive?

But I couldn't just give up on Sebastian.

I failed and needed to repair it.

After two hours on the road, around 1PM I parked in front of a single family house in the Boston suburbs with a small shop built onto the front of the house.

Just before the shop I noticed two women, they were cleaning some old pots, standing on the snowy lawn.

One of them was around fifty, the second was around thirty, so the age seemed close to Adam's and Sebastian's age. Could that be Charmaine?

"Hello," she said with a smile. "How can I help you?"

I cleared my throat. "Are you the sister of Adam Langer?"

She straightened quickly, and didn't look so cheerful anymore.

"I am. Why do you ask?"

"I'm a friend of his husband, Sebastian Nolan. I need to find him, I was wondering if you knew his Boston address."

She blinked, her lips trembled.

"Forgive me, but I do not know you - why would I provide you any information?!"

I closed my eyes.

It just spilled out of me.

"I... I love him. There was a problem with... his job. He was fired. I need to find him, he does not take my calls. I need to know if he is safe."

She made a rather loud exhale, clenching her jaws. Her eyes narrowed.

"That has nothing to do with me and my brother. Please leave!"

Charmaine made a rather violent turn and went inside the building. I stood there like a stupid person, angry at myself for approaching it so... bluntly, like a charging bull.

At that moment, I noticed the other, older woman was glancing toward me. She cleared her throat and said, "Are you Sebastian's new boyfriend?"

I sighed. "I am. But because of me... he was fired from college. I was reckless. I was his student and... I fell for him. He warned me how it may end, but I insisted. He probably is devastated now, I need to apologize, I need to make it right..."

She tilted her head, eying me and scrubbing her chin. " I understand... and I'm sorry. I'm Adam's aunt, Jenny. I knew Sebastian well, I liked him very much, he is a good man. I haven't been in frequent contact with him since Adam died, only on occasions I called him, asking how he is."

She hesitated, staring at me intensely.

And suddenly she said, "Sebastian and Adam had a holiday cottage house, near Greenville, Maine."

I listened very carefully. She bit her lip, glancing behind her, toward the house.

"When Adam was alive, they were renting it during summer seasons for guests, but as far as I know, Sebastian never rented it for winter seasons. After Adam's death he surely didn't have time and strength to take care of it. But I know he liked the place. He lived there for some time after the accident. He doesn't have a different apartment in Boston. And it's a rather remote place."

"Do you know the address?"

"Yes..." She gave me the address.

"I hope your intentions toward him are good. Sebastian is a gentle soul, caring and loyal. He truly is a sensitive and kind person. Adam was very happy having him by his side. It's a tragedy what happened..."

She wiped the corners of her eyes.

"I know he is a good person. Exactly the kind of person I dreamed about for years. And I just have this gut feeling we are perfect for each other. Call it intuition, a hunch. I need to find him and make it right. I'm sorry for imposing on your life like that," I waved toward the house.

Mrs. Jenny sighed. "Don't worry. His sister is still not over Adam's death. Don't be surprised by her reaction, she can't talk about it. But... I wish Sebastian happiness. He deserves it, he really does. He shouldn't cut himself from living and... loving again."

I lowered my head.

"My sincere condolences. I promise you, I will do anything to make this right. I already made sure Sebastian would have another, good job in my father's company. I will find him."

"Be careful, there is only a small road leading to the cottage, and it starts to snow. It may be hard to reach the place."

"If he did it, I will also." I smiled, and made a small bow. "Thank you so much, Mrs. Jenny!"

With a much better mood, almost hopeful, I returned to the car.

I knew I was in for almost 5 hours of driving, but I was not going to be discouraged!

I stopped only one time on the way - to eat lunch and then continued my journey. I had a feeling, Sebastian went there, I just had to take the chance. The snowing was pretty intense almost from the moment I crossed the state border and left New Hampshire behind.

The weather condition gradually worsened and worsened... and when I finally reached Greenville, I was met with such a heavy snow storm, I barely saw anything in front of the car.

The Google Map showed the address as being around 3 miles from the main road, only a very thin side road leading to it. I was hoping it wasn't a gravel road.

Finding the place where I should make the turn proved tricky. I was going back and forth, searching for the turn to the small road, and couldn't locate it.

The snow was falling to the ground in heavy, large balls, almost like hail. Cursing, I noticed that my phone signal was very weak, which wasn't a good sign. There were moments I was totally losing the signal range.

But finally I located the insignificant clearing between the trees, that pretty much was in the place shown on the map. I made a careful turn, not sure if what I was doing was smart because the Lexus wasn't exactly a snowmobile.

The snow was very deep here, and the car was kinda choking a bit, the wheels were spinning and having a hard time pushing through snow drifts.

Last glance on the map, it looked like I should be maybe 1 mile from the cottage, but I couldn't be sure.

Suddenly the car just stopped.

The snow was too dense in that place. Cussing, I tried to back out, but to no avail. It didn't want to move even an inch. The Google Map was inactive, no signal.

"Fuck!"

I didn't know what to do. The phone was useless. I searched the glove compartment and found a bottle of water, and some jewelry my sister made, but nothing beyond that.

One of the boxes had a set of wedding rings, pretty interesting with a floral, ivy motif, a bit similar to the tattoo which Sebastian had on his ribs. I bit my lip and hid it in the pocket.

Then I took my beanie and gloves and decided to try to reach the cottage on foot. I felt it was a crazy decision, my life could be at risk. I wasn't that stupid. But I was convinced the distance wasn't that long.

Maybe half an hour and I would be at the cottage.

Even if Sebastian wasn't here, I would at least have some kind of shelter, I could break in and spend the night inside, safe from immediate danger.

So I started to wade through the snow. Pretty quickly I realized it was a very tiresome activity. The snow reached my knees, at some places above, and I was barely pushing through it with a great effort.

I walked, and walked and walked.

And I walked some more.

I gradually got tired of constant pulling my legs from such deep snow, and the light coming from my phone cell became more and more inefficient in the strong waves of even more snow - l coming from the sky.

My boots were surely not as waterproof - as I would want.

I got cold and exhausted, but my mood was even worse of a problem.

The doubts, the regret, the hesitation.

Along with losing my strength I was losing... common sense!

My mind started to go round in vicious circles of thoughts.

He didn't want me. He left me. I was only a stupid kid for him, who cost him his job.

Over and over again.

The depressing thoughts were becoming stronger and stronger, along with the feeling that my fight with the snowstorm was pointless.

I had an impression that hours went by, and I was still walking in the white fluff, now high up to my thigh.

Were these really long hours? Or was it a distortion in my time perception?

I lost sense of where I was - on the road? In the forest? The walk became almost trance-like, I shivered, unhappy and tired. I couldn't feel my legs and hands, the battery started to run low.

I realized I made the stupidest mistake of my life.

The phone... was my last hope.

I looked at it and wrote sms to Sebastian.

"I'm sorry, I screwed up. I just wanted to find you so much. I love you, I wish it was different."

I couldn't even sob, or cry or be truly sad. I went numb, the cold and weakness taking me into possession.

Soon I fell into a big snowdrift, I stood up, but the situation repeated itself a couple of yards further.

So, I was falling in the snow, and standing up in pretty even intervals.

And the intervals became longer, until I was just lying flat, shivering. I knew that if I had a more positive, more hopeful attitude, I would continue to walk, I wasn't totally drained, but I just kinda...

...gave up.

Finally I even prayed, although I wasn't a religious person. I needed to somehow say it aloud.

"God, let me see Sebastian one more time..."

I felt the snow on my face, as I laid in the darkness. It was such a lonely place to die, in these cold, unforgiving conditions. Well. I didn't want to die, I couldn't!

I needed to go back, to find my car and try to move it somehow. I could see my father's face in front of me, encouraging me to do the smart thing: Stand up and get myself together! I wasn't on fucking Mount Everest, destined to inevitable death! It was just a side road to some cottage!

But at that moment I obviously couldn't think clearly.

I didn't know where I was anymore, I probably got lost, wandered off the road perhaps?

I passively allowed myself to be flooded with pessimistic thoughts. Almost enjoying them!

I checked my phone one last time and looked at the text message I wrote. It had an unsent status. The signal was still absent.

Move, I needed to move! Trying to force myself was the worst feeling in the world, when I just wanted to curl up, pity myself and NOT move.

Sometime after, I just did it.

I curled up and closed my eyes, feeling too dejected to fight.

He probably wasn't even in the cottage. He just didn't care. Nobody cared?

The stupid thoughts returned, even though part of me knew it was just bullshit.

My mind roamed somewhere far away from my body, forgetting about what was going on with me. I was flying over, free from my troubles and struggles...

"Silas?!"

The voice came from far away, and could not bring me back. I was still somewhere up, high, between swirling snowflakes.

"Silas! Answer me!"

Impossible, it couldn't be Sebastian, it would be too wonderful. A miracle?

My wish just couldn't be granted so easily.

"God, you crazy fool, what have you done! So stupid, so stupid! You could've died!"

Hearing his angry mumbling kinda made me return to being myself a bit more.

I opened my eyes and saw a light, it was probably his headlamp.

"Sebastian?"

"Yes, for fuck's sake! What have you done?! You went into total-craziness mode this time!"

"I love you," I blurted it out quietly, but I needed to say more, "You left me... I couldn't just let you go. I needed to find you..." I mumbled.

"Jesus, Silas! Can't you see what you did? You could die! How could you do something so reckless? Move, please!"

I couldn't respond, I felt too numbed to even move. His hands were jerking me, tossing me, trying to pull me up.

"Please, Silas, you need to move... it's not far... It's a miracle you came so far. The map is wrong, it's around six miles from the Main Rd, it's a pretty long distance in the falling snow! If not for aunt Jenny, I wouldn't know you are even here..."

"Aunt Jenny?" I whispered.

"Yes, she called me asking what was going on and if you reached me yet."

"But... the signal..."

"The cottage is on the little hill over Moosehead Lake. There is a signal there. But not here, on the road. We have around half of a mile to go, please, stand up. You know I can't carry you..."

I tried to find his face under the sharp light, but it was hard. I felt his hands on my shoulders.

"Did you break up with me, Sebastian? Why didn't you answer... I called you so many times..."

"God, Silas. I didn't break up with you! And I answered you hours ago, explaining where I was and asking can you come! I wrote you like... ten text messages saying I needed to calm down a bit and this place always helped me. I'm sorry, I was really upset, the dean literally threw me off of the campus the same evening. The security guards came, and the teachers were standing there watching the whole proceeding... It was like Cersei's walk of shame."

"I didn't receive any messages..." I whispered, feeling confused.

"From what Jenny told me, you left her house ten hours ago! So taking the four-hour distance to Greenville into account - you are on this road for almost six hours! I replied to you just about five hours ago, but you probably weren't in the signal range anymore!"

I was silent for a while.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there, when the dean was throwing you off campus. I wanted to be there for you..."

"Silas... it would only make it worse. I should be happy they just fired me, and not more, I could have real problems... But can we go now? It's really cold."

"I got you a new job."

"What?"

"Yes. I figured I got you fired, so I needed to make it right. My father is opening a new department, and they will hire new people."

"Silas... you didn't get me fired, baby..." he whispered, lowering himself to me, and I felt his gentle touch on my cheek. "You didn't force me to do anything. I did it, I was attracted to you from the first moment you smiled at me. I couldn't stop myself from following my heart. I was shocked by my own eagerness to break the rules. And it was me who was giving you blowjob when the dean saw us, not the other way around. Please, don't blame yourself. It takes two to tango. Can we go now, please?"

"Maybe. But I got you a new job anyway. I needed to do this."

"You really didn't have to, but I appreciate the effort. You really are sweet, but I beg you now, stand up and start to walk. I'll help you..."

Finally I mobilized myself and with his help, I managed to straighten up. Leaning on him, I forced myself to start to walk. From afar, I could actually see a very faint light, and it gave me hope I will make it there.

"One leg after another... It's really close," he continued to motivate me.

But just feeling him close to me poured new strength into me. The realization that he didn't reject me, literally warmed up my body.

Sebastian was right. We soon reached a small hill, at the top of it a very nice country cottage. The moment we were approaching the stairs, I could hear my phone buzzing with messages!

So, he really did reply...?

It made me weirdly happy.

When I was lying in the snow pitying myself, he thought about me?

Sebastian led me to the porch, and we went inside the house.

"We need to warm you up as quickly as we can. I will prepare a bath for you, it's a good thing - me and Adam decided to install such a luxury thing like a bathtub here..." he smiled.