Faultless Pt. 02

"You haven't done that in a while and that worries me," he observed casually, disarmingly, as we shared nachos.

I stiffened. Had he noticed that I wasn't touching my hair or that I was doing everything I could not to get sauce on my hands? "What?" I asked defensively, struggling to hide the fear that he'd finally caught on to what I'd spent the last couple of weeks meticulously hiding from him.

He closed his eyes for a moment when he heard my tone and then looked at me with guilt. He cleaned his hands and then tucked my hair behind my ear. "I'm sorry, I should have seen this happening sooner."

Now that he'd noticed it, I felt little use in hiding it. "Don't be sorry baby, I didn't know how to tell you I'm spinning out again. I want it so much but now the next round is coming along, I'm not sure I'm ready to go through it all, especially what happens at the end." I took some steadying breaths and drunk a lot of beer in a shaky hand. There, I'd said it.

"I'm struggling too and I should have told you that," he admitted to my relief. "We can't keep going through this Lils, as though every round isn't taking a little more out of us. This is a huge sign that we're rushing it because we want it so bad. We need to take a break, a real break."

So we did and after a few weeks, I started to feel like myself again. Mike booked us a weekend away where we could re-charge and just focus on how happy we were together. Neither of us wanted it to just stay us but if it did, it did.

We were intimate regularly, still almost every day, despite the emotion of it all. Our connection just couldn't be broken. He was keeping me as sane as I was him, once I opened up to him. The pressure and the heartbreak could have broken us, but it just made us stronger.

"If someone asked me whether I'd pick a world where I could have children with anyone but you, or this life where it could only be us, I'd pick this one, every time," I told him genuinely over dinner that weekend. He knew how much it meant for me to say that, and I meant it.

He was emotional as he processed what I'd said. For someone who had been just as closed off as me, in a different way, I had brought out emotion in him in much the same way as he had with me. "You know Lils, we've had a shit couple of years when it comes to that, but I tell you, its also been the best time of my life, living every day of it with you."

When the waitress arrived for our order, I declined wine with dinner, almost subconsciously.

I'd noticed I was already late for my period that morning, but I wouldn't let myself think anything of it. It was like half-hearing the winning lottery numbers on the radio in the morning and not checking your ticket for days afterwards. Something was telling me to take notice, but I pushed that thought deep down because I couldn't face it.

When I still hadn't come on after we got back to our new home a couple of days later, the one we'd bought to have a family in, I told Mike I was late. He bought three different pregnancy tests that day, but I refused to use any of them until later that week when I was then seven days late. I was on the edge of being sick all day at work, thinking about doing a test that evening. I refused to believe we were that lucky. I couldn't let myself think it was finally happening to us.

When I got home and did the test with Mike waiting patiently outside because I needed the space, I just knew it was going to be positive. It felt different.

I sobbed in his arms for nearly 10 minutes when the third test showed a positive result like the others had.

I made Mike promise not to tell anyone until I was starting to show. It was a difficult pregnancy, where my morning sickness put me in the hospital and there was one terrifying night where I thought I'd lost her. I'd been beaten by so many failed tests that I just expected the worst for those first couple of months.

Mike and I carried on as though it wasn't happening, in a state of shock. He fussed me, but he always did. I stopped drinking alcohol immediately and he did too so that when anyone asked, we could say we were on a health kick. But I was eating and putting on weight, which was starting to stretch believability. I had always been skinny so to go up a dress size within a month was alarming. I had to be very careful not to give the game away when I went shopping with Megan before her first holiday since having her baby.

I wore loose dresses and baggy jumpers to work in the spring heat because I couldn't stand anyone knowing and then it all going wrong. I made excuses about my cravings for vinegar and oily food that I'd have once heaved at. I couldn't eat enough chicken wings. Mike was in hysterics about my cravings and how I didn't care about my sticky fingers making a mess all over the place.

Char worked it out in the end, she had an investigator's brain. She covered for me more than once when I turned up late having spent the morning throwing up or turned down drinks with the girls. After I was signed off sick from work for a week by the hospital, she lied and made excuses with Liv & Amy so that they would leave me be.

She understood and respected my need to keep it a secret after years of devastated evenings drinking and crying. So instead, she discreetly gave me tips to manage by casually talking about the things that worked for her during her own pregnancy; the kinds of things only someone who had gone through the sickness, emotions and cravings that I was going through would know. See, we hadn't even told our family for the first trimester, we were that nervous about it.

When we went for the scan and decided to find out the gender, we both cried at knowing it was going to be a little girl. Mike was going to be completely overrun with women in his life. It felt real then, it felt like it was actually going to happen.

We had our families over together that weekend and led them to believe it was because we were going to announce a wedding date. We'd actually decided months before that, during another painful heart to heart, that we were going to see the pregnancy attempts through before marriage because it was stressful enough trying to conceive, never mind planning a wedding on top of it. Mike knew what I'd be like when it came to planning a wedding, and the Doctor had said to keep my life as stress-free as possible, so I'd sacrificed not getting married to my person in order to try and have a baby. To try and to fail, again and again. Until it happened.

Our Mum's hugged us when we told them the news and then hugged each other, a sunburnt Megan telling Shannon that she was going to have a cousin soon.

I can still remember the exact moment I made the Facebook post with the photo that told the world a little Williams-Davies was on the way.

Things only got better from there.

Between holiday leave and maternity leave, I stopped working for over two months before I was due to give birth. My boss knew what it meant to me, and I was suffering so much at points, it wasn't right to keep making me turn up. So I did the occasional meeting online but mostly I waddled around (okay, not quite that bad) and enjoyed the feeling.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy the attention - from Mike who was even more attentive and caring than ever, as well as his family and our friends. Most of all though, I enjoyed the bond I finally built with my Mum. We saw each other practically every day given that she had retired. She looked after me, helped me buy the things that a new-born baby needed because I was clueless, and cooked things for me that she hadn't made since I was a child. We repaired years' worth of friction over those months. She finally accepted what I'd said years before: that he was the man I was going to have children with.

When Mike came home tired but happy, to find she was still there and helping me make dinner, she greeted him as the son she never had. I knew she was over-compensating, but she was trying, and I appreciated that more than she knew. Sometimes Megan, Shannon and Helen would be there too, with Mike getting a little preview of what his future would be like, surrounded by women.

Of course, Mike and I now had what we fantasised about together for so long. The naughty fantasy that I shared, and he embraced, though it was something we never brought up once things got tough.

"Your breasts are growing so much," he voiced with lust, when we made love a few months before I was due. "You are just so beautiful Lily, I can't cope."

I smirked, enjoying how he was looking at me in awe as we made love. In fairness, I'd probably looked at my body in the mirror as much as he had - I loved how I looked when being pregnant. "I knew you liked big tits," I replied at last when he held one in his hand.

He let me have that one. "I like Lily's big tits, just to be clear."

I felt my brattiness finally coming back. "I'm not so fussy, any cock will do to scratch this itch."

He stopped the gentle, comforting thrusts. "Brat."

That didn't make him change the tender sex we were having though. All through my pregnancy, our love making was gentle and romantic. I craved it rougher at points when I was horny for it, but I just couldn't take it that way so kept quiet.

"How's it feel, knowing I'm carrying your child?"

We locked eyes and I felt him grow larger in me; push that little bit deeper. "It feels so fucking good," he answered, full of emotion.

"I'm carrying your baby," I carried on in bliss, as he continued to make love to me. "I want this again, I need it again."

Mike gasped above me, braced on his elbows beside me with my growing belly between us. "You haven't even had this one yet and you've spent half of it chucking up!" He kissed me and grinned.

"I know," I blushed. "I just want to give you all the babies that I can."

My old fantasy had become his just as much because my words soon pushed him over the edge, and I felt him empty into me shortly after; heard him groan as he did.

"Give me it all baby and then let me have your cock back in my mouth, your future wife is craving your taste," I practically begged him. Some things would never change and that was one of them. It was the thing I always did to show him how bonded I was to him.

That wasn't to say pregnancy didn't have its downsides. I was an irritable mess at times. I snapped at Mike more times than I could count. He just took it and didn't snap back, even when I was being ridiculous. I knew I was difficult and I hated that I was, but I couldn't stop myself at points and I took it out on the only person I knew could handle me like that.

They were little things that were meaningless, really. But I was hormonal, I was constantly uncomfortable and as much as I loved being pregnant, I missed the dresses, I missed the heels and I missed having fun. Amy, Liv and Char were regular visitors and Mike organised very mature parties at our house for family and friends, involving caterers and a little space for a dancefloor that I was too fat to enjoy. I missed being able to sleep peacefully at night, pressed against Mike's body where I always slept soundly, because I was always too hot and too uncomfortable to do so while pregnant.

In the end it got to the point where he would start to laugh whenever I would tearfully apologise minutes after snapping at him and thank him for everything he was doing to keep me sane. I'd then laugh too. "You're a hot mess," he'd smirk.

We always got up at the same time together and I was keen to stick to that once I went on maternity leave. When Mike tried to talk me into getting more sleep, I reminded him I could nap all day if I wanted to. Instead, making Mike breakfast and lunch was on the list for my own morning routine because I wanted to take care of him however I could. It became quite difficult to navigate the logistics once he insisted that he only wanted to leave for work when I was settled on the sofa with a cup of tea.

"You're going to be the best dad ever, I can't wait to see you both together," I told him as I sat back on the sofa, belly and ankles swollen, not two weeks before I was due. It was Mike's last day before the considerable time off he'd booked from work. I'd made him promise to go out for drinks, knowing full well he wouldn't leave my side once the baby was born.

He smiled at me and kissed me before responding. "She's got you as a Mum, I'm going to have to bring my A-game."

*Four Years Later*

I was back to waddling.

We didn't use IVF, it happened naturally, and it wasn't a surprise this time. I wanted a c-section because giving birth was horrible and I had no idea how low my tolerance of pain was until that point. I was such a princess sometimes. Mike rarely indulged me but even he agreed that would be the better option. He was as pale as a ghost by the end of my long labour and joked there was parts of his tour that were less painful.

He reached around me as I stood at the counter preparing two sets of lunches and kissed my neck. I'd cut my hair shorter, just above my shoulders now, because it had been getting pulled on a lot by a baby that had quickly grown into a toddler, as opposed to being pulled in a good way by Mike. Getting it cut was a sad day, my poor hair didn't deserve the treatment our daughter had put it through.

"How are you feeling, sweetheart?"

I pouted, "my ankles are killing me, and I think I'm addicted to you massaging them."

He just smiled at me when I turned around to face him. "This may be a bad time to say it given you're 8 months pregnant and I spent last night massaging your feet, but I'm really happy Lily. The happiest I've ever been in my life."

I beamed at him. "Me too."

"MUMMY!" Beth came running in yelling excitedly. Mike grabbed her before she could run at me and hoisted her over his shoulder while she screamed happily.

"What do you want, big lungs?" I asked her, squeezing her cheeks and kissing her forehead.

"I want to see my brother or sister, why are they taking so long?" She huffed and Mike looked at me with a smirk. He regularly told me she took after me and it was hard to disagree in moments like that.

I smiled at her and placed her hand on my stomach. "Soon, sweetheart. Now go and get ready, your grandma will be here any moment now."

Mike put her down, she told us she loved us and she bundled off to her room, screaming about the zoo. "How do you think she's going to cope when she's not the loudest person in the house anymore?" Mike asked evenly.

We packed our bags and I glanced at the clock, not wanting Mike to be late. I was a week away from going on maternity leave, so I didn't care about the time. Plus, my pregnant belly always got me a seat on the train. My thoughts were interrupted by Beth shouting down the stairs that her Nanna was walking down the street.

"Everyone thinks she's a quiet little angel," I laughed with a shake of my head. "I think we need to start setting microphones up when it's just us at home and show everyone how wrong they are."

My Mum let herself in a minute later, Beth running over to her quietly and innocently. She was too smart by a half, our daughter. Mum hugged Mike, hugged me and made herself at home. I loved that she did, she stayed over enough.

"How's my other gorgeous girl?" She asked when Beth went running off.

"She's been moaning about her ankles again," Mike answered before I could. He then promptly made himself scarce to find his work bag when he saw my look.

"It's not good for you, that commute. I wish you'd work from home," Mum said sternly.

"Mum," I reminded her in mock-exasperation, "I can't run a news show at home."

She relented and helped me get ready, saying goodbye to us and then holding Beth's hand as they stood at the door watching us leave.

Mike opened the car door for me to get in. I squeezed my bump into the passenger side seat before he went around to the driver's side. I really did grow big when I was pregnant.

"I can't believe we've got a second child on the way, and you won't even marry me," I chided him with a grin once we pulled off and I'd stopped looking at my engagement ring, which I still adored.

"You're the one that didn't want to be pregnant on your wedding day, I suggested a shotgun wedding," Mike took great joy in constantly reminding me of that.

"As if I want my one wedding to be a shotgun wedding!" I always fell for it. It was going to be in a church, it was going to be big and I was going to be a princess for a day, that was non-negotiable.

Mike could barely contain his smirk. We had versions of this conversation almost daily, whenever I looked at the ring on my finger and made comment. It was all in jest, it was our little inside joke.

"Poor kids, having to be bastards until everything's perfect for you," he teased me.

I slapped his arm playfully, "yeah cause raising children out of wedlock was what I always dreamed about," I replied sarcastically.

"I thought I was what you always dreamed about?" Mike quipped back, turning towards the station to drop me off on the way to his site visit.

"What do you think this one will be? I think it'll be a boy," I guessed, ignoring him. We had decided not to find out the sex this time, but I had asked multiple times to check it wasn't twins.

"It'll be another girl," Mike replied with certainty. "Ask me again when we have the next one and you'll get the same answer."

I blushed magnificently at the prospect of a further delayed wedding, but he pretended not to notice. "Mum's really changed her view, thanks to you."

"I did nothing, she just got used to seeing my adoration of you," Mike replied with a knowing smile.

"Yeah, you ground her down more like."

"Worked on you, didn't it?"

I feigned vomiting. "Please don't compare me falling in love with you to you charming my mother. My therapy sessions haven't been needed in a while."

"Maybe I say that stuff because I just want you out the house so me and Beth can play with the dolls without you getting jealous."

"Well, I want to play dolls," I fake-huffed, forgetting I was supposed to be pretending to vomit. "She just prefers you because you can hold more of them in your hands at once."

We laughed and I rested my arm on his thigh, content with life.

It took me a long time to see that things didn't need to be perfect for me to be happy. Life wasn't just about getting married and having children. In the end I realised it was about being comfortable with who I was and knowing that person could only grow and evolve if I embraced her. All I needed was someone who made me feel it was possible to let that person thrive. After that, it was easy.

Authors notes:

Well, I do hope you enjoyed that. It may have started as Mike's story, but it never really was.

Comments are very welcome as is your constructive feedback. I mostly proofread myself and I will have missed things, so I'm sorry about that.

Thanks for reading,

V