Faultless Pt. 02

"Ah, George Ezra," Mike noted when 'Paradise' came on the radio.

I went to turn it over to something we both would like. "Leave it here, I like this song," Mike asked to my visible surprise. This was more my music, than his.

My mind (my mind)

My m-m-m-m-mind well, it's a paradise whenever I'm with you

Ride on (ride on)

I will ride on down the road

I will find you, I will hold you, I'll be there

It's long (how long?)

It's a mighty long road but

I'll find you, I will hold you and I'll be there

"Everything's going to be okay today," I told him when the song ended.

He squeezed my thigh again, though this time I was in a very different emotional place. "I know," he replied. "We've got each other."

_

"Lukey!"

"Driver!"

"You ass."

I stepped back and let Mike & Luke have a moment. Mike leaned down and they hugged. It wasn't a quick hug either, it was something that said a lot to each of them. Mike pulled off after a few heavy slaps on his back from Luke and then he went to move on while Luke wheeled himself over to me. I extended my hand, and he took it. I felt calloused skin and blisters.

"Woah, you're even more beautiful than your Facebook pictures," Luke gushed.

I'd made extra effort for Mike. There was a little bit of shallowness to my decision too - I wanted to look as good as Mike made me sound when he was away. I'd interrogated him a little and found there was truth in what Tony had shared. So, I'd done my hair up, I put effort into my makeup and I'd picked a cream floral dress that looked good on me but wasn't too over-dressed for the pub we were meeting at. Most impressive in Mike's eyes, I'd painted my nails the same shade of blue as Chelsea's kit colour. Mike had said some of them were Leeds United and Manchester United fans so I couldn't be having that. I was here to represent my man.

I smiled and thanked him. "You just caught me on a good day."

"In that case, I may have one leg but everything else is good," he grinned.

I kept smiling but internally I grimaced. I'd not been hit on like that since Mike and I became an item.

"Oi," Mike turned and looked at Luke firmly. "Don't do that to her, shithead." His tone left no space for a quip or an excuse. It wasn't aggressive but at the same time, it wasn't polite.

Luke looked over and gestured an apology before wheeling back round. I appreciated Mike intervening like that but I hoped it wouldn't make it awkward for him. Thankfully, it didn't.

He was so loved, by all of them. He was the star of the show, everyone wanted to speak to him. I was with him, but it was his time. I could see the shy boy of old becoming overwhelmed at points, so I got him some space whenever he needed it. I took him to the bar with me or else pulled him away for a private chat. He'd changed a lot and I could see why he needed me there. I could deal with social intensity at a level that he still couldn't.

They hesitated at first, to recount stories around me about serving together. Some stories I'd heard from Mike when we first got back in contact but as they joked their way through those stories and moved onto others, I realised how comparatively tolerable they were, even though I was horrified hearing about them at the time.

It was typical army chat, where they took humour as a way to talk through difficult moments. I could understand that to an extent, even if it was jarring to hear about people getting shot at and having to hide behind upturned tables. Mike nodded or shook his head at points, when they got too close to a story he wasn't ready for me to hear. I didn't expect to know everything straight away and he told me later, he could see how even some of the 'tame' ones, still filled my face with worry. But how could they not?

It was interesting to watch the dynamics with him and his army friends. He'd got in his head a lot about it; about how he'd be received. Luke and Tony told me about the incident while Mike was in the bathroom, and they were midway through it when he came out. He went to stop them, but I stopped him. I needed to hear it and he needed to hear them as they explained how it couldn't have been his fault.

"Just be grateful Mike veered to the left when he did or we'd all be dead rather than just blown up," Luke finished recounting with some amusement.

My blood ran cold at that, but I managed a humourless laugh. Mike was about to respond, probably to take on more blame in some way, but he saw my pointed look and moved us on.

That part aside, it was a wholesome evening to be a part of, even if it was 12 grown men and a few spouses recalling war stories. It was, obviously, very intense.

I took breaks when I could and slipped away unnoticed by any to get some air. I sent Megan and Helen a group text with an update on how it was going as I'd told them the week before, sworn to secrecy, what was happening. To my surprise Mike told them anyway the next time we were all together. He later admitted that he only told them because I was going and they knew I'd make sure he was okay, rather than fussing him about it.

As I finished the update message and scrolled briefly through social media to kill a bit more time, I saw a text message come up. One that surprised me almost as much as the stories I'd heard that evening.

Mum: Hi sweetheart, hope it's going okay for Mike up there, see you tomorrow xx

I was shocked and emotional from reading her short message. I'd mentioned it to her earlier that week, barely in passing, because I didn't want to get her started on it.

Lily: This message means the world to me, thank you Mum! It's going well, he's getting drunk, so I'll take that as a good sign xx

Mum: Look after him xx

I closed my eyes and let a ridiculous feeling of relief run through me. She was starting to come around; I'd shown her how serious I was and she knew it wasn't going to burn itself out.

I stayed for as long as I could and made sure Mike ate with me before deciding to call it a night. It took some time to extract myself from the group - they all seemed certain that I was key to making sure Mike came back next time, so wanted to make me promise that he would. I grinned over at him; he was definitely on his way to getting drunk. I'd tried to get him to drink water but once they moved to whisky and Mike recounted the Balvenie & ice story, it was only going one-way.

He walked me out. "I'm proud of you, handsome. Don't rush to come back, just enjoy yourself." We made out quite passionately and I was reconsidering my words but eventually the taxi arrived, and I left for the hotel.

I was laying in bed watching a romcom when he returned, definitely a little worse for wear but not in bad shape. He kissed me and then walked towards the bathroom, whereby he stopped and leaned against the frame, looking over at me with love. "Thank you for doing that, I know I've said it already, but I couldn't have got through today without you."

When he came back out, he sat on the bed, took his shoes off and then got under the covers with me. "I know it wasn't the best time for you though."

"It was pretty good," I half-lied, "the best part was seeing you with them. Whatever you get me tomorrow, it won't be as good as that."

"You're unbelievably cute when you want to be," he complimented, half-tipsy.

"Just when I want to be?" I pouted in return, batting my eyes and doing my best to be as cute as he said I was.

He only grinned in response. Then, he looked down and realised for the first time that he'd got into bed with his clothes still on, still smelling of alcohol. He turned to me in shock. "Wow, were you going to let me sleep like this?"

I shrugged, "I was going to make an exception for one night only."

If it was possible, Mike's shock only grew. "I had no idea how much you loved me." I laughed, I guess that was true. "I'm going to get myself up and have a shower, I can't do that to you."

I carried on watching my romcom, smiling stupidly to myself at how much he accepted me and my flaws, until Mike came back out, smelling fresh and minty, which I thanked him for.

"I was going to wake you up with my mouth but I think I'll be hungover so I'll have to wait until next year for that," he quipped on his return.

I looked at him sympathetically. "Baby, it's hardly a present if you give it to me multiple times a week."

"Shall I just withhold it for special occasions?"

"Don't you dare," I grinned.

_

I woke up on my 30^th birthday to find that Mike was still asleep and snoring up a racket. I got up quietly, went to the bathroom and then started to get our stuff together. We wanted to head back early so we had plenty of time for my birthday celebration later in the day. Mike had insisted we make it a big deal because of how big a milestone it was to me. I kept insisting things had changed and turning 30 wasn't carrying with it the same weight of expectation that it once was, but he didn't listen.

When I was in the bathroom packing up the toiletries, Mike walked in rubbing sleep from his eyes. "Happy birthday Lils," he kissed me and yawned.

"Hanging?" I asked with a grin.

"I'm not too bad actually, let me splash my face with cold water and I'll be a lot more enthusiastic."

"Mm," I nodded sceptically.

I left him in the bathroom and went around tidying up, humming as I did so. I had a hungover boyfriend in the other room, no sign of a birthday present and was about to face a four-hour drive home, on my birthday. I was still ridiculously happy.

Mike emerged in his underwear after another shower and looking a lot fresher. "Your presents are back at mine sweetheart, sorry. Have you got a list started?"

"You and your lists," I rolled my eyes in an affectionate way and went to grab some paper from the hotel notepad.

"I started one, it's in my jacket pocket, right-hand side."

He walked by me and back to his side of the bed where his suitcase was. I sighed. He'd been standing right there.

I found the piece of paper easily enough. I opened it up and saw there was barely anything on it. The top was titled: Lily's 30^th Birthday list. Underneath that was one single word:

Propose.

I spun around, almost losing my balance. Mike was behind me, on one knee, with a diamond engagement ring in his hand. It was a delicate thin band, with diamond and sapphire stone.

"Oh my God," I gasped.

Mike looked ridiculously nervous. We were both in our underwear, in a random hotel room in Leeds, and he was proposing to me?!

"Yes," I answered at once, without even the slightest hesitation. "Yes."

He grinned. "I haven't even asked you yet. At least find out what you're agreeing to!"

I closed the distance and fell to my knees, facing him. I couldn't decide whether to look at him or the ring. It was beautiful.

"Lily Williams," he started, capturing my full attention as I started to silently cry, "you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, I couldn't imagine my life without you and if you let me, I'll spend every day of my life making sure you have the best life I can give you. Will you marry me?"

"Yes," I replied at once. He took the ring in his hand and slowly placed it on my finger. I was shaking and crying tears of joy.

I spent the next hour alternating between looking at the ring, looking at Mike, and crying. I kept kissing him, but I was in a daze. We didn't even make love, I could barely process anything, I was in a state of shock. Because I no longer thought about marriage and kids being on a deadline, it hadn't crossed my mind that Mike might still want to give me that security.

"I really surprised you for once, huh?" Mike had taken over packing while I sat on the edge of the bed looking at the ring from every angle. I nodded and kept quiet.

When we finally started the drive home, I couldn't stop glancing at the ring as I held the steering wheel.

"I can't believe you did that," I said eventually. Then to tease him I added, "am I getting any more presents or did you blow all your money on this?"

"Cheeky," he laughed. "Yes, you do have a few presents indoors."

"How the hell am I going to top this for your birthday?" Mike's 30^th was in a month, while we were in Portugal. I was going to have to go back to the drawing board.

_

I took the ring off before we got to the restaurant later that evening but I did it at the last possible moment and gave it to Mike to keep, as my favourite lilac dress didn't have pockets. I'd decided it would be more fun to subtly slip it back on once everyone had got there.

We'd hired out our own room in the restaurant and there was space for a dancefloor too. My friends, extended family and Mike's family were all coming to celebrate with me. Char and Thomas were the first to arrive, with Amy and Liv in tow.

"Happy Birthday!" They all greeted me enthusiastically with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Liv got hold of the champagne and poured us all a glass each. "So, what's your intentions with Lily now that she's 30, Mister? Are they pure?"

Mike laughed and I had to hide a smirk. I looked away and saw Char & Thomas subtly swapping his half-empty champagne glass. Char caught me looking and motioned for me to keep quiet. Oh my.

"Not pure," Mike replied with a chuckle that everyone shared. "But very serious. I'm going to marry her." He looked at me as he said it and I blushed.

"Just like that, huh? No messing about?" Amy asked.

I jumped in before he could. "He doesn't mess about," I gushed.

I managed to corner Char a few minutes later, after greeting a couple of my cousins who were now talking to Mike.

"Relax," she whispered, "this is my second one."

"When are you telling people?" I squealed.

She smiled. "We didn't want to take attention away from you today, so probably the next time we're all together."

"I don't care," I assured her. "Tell everyone today if you want."

"What about you?" Char turned it around. Her blue eyes had a hint of mystery to them. "Have you spoken about kids?"

"We have," I confirmed, thinking about the ring in Mike's pocket.

"So, this is it then, you're finally happy with a man?"

I nodded enthusiastically. "More than I can describe to you." I couldn't stop myself from laughing when I thought about it. "I'd never thought someone could make me happy in the way that he does."

"He's the one huh, the cheat card?" Char asked with a knowing smirk. She had always found that funny.

"100%, I know he's the one."

She held her glass out for us to cheers. "Welcome to the dirty thirties. But I should warn you, it's all downhill from here, Godmother."

She walked off before I could react and I was distracted by the arrival of Mike's family and my Mum, who seemed to have run into each other outside and were talking casually.

It wasn't a sit-down meal, allowing us to mingle, talk and most importantly, dance. If I thought that being proposed to was going to be the biggest surprise that day, Mike almost surpassed it by showing me his moves on the dance floor. He led me around comfortably, my mouth agape and my heart beating fast with a mixture of effort and arousal. We got a few cheers, and some people joined us.

"Where did you learn to dance?" I asked in between songs.

"Cyprus," he grinned, "I thought it'd be a good way to impress the ladies, but I was too hung-up on you to put it to good use."

I smirked. "We'll make up for lost time." We couldn't take our eyes off each other as we slow danced around the floor. I fell for him all over again.

When we stopped dancing, we went to the bar together and I gave Mike the signal, slipping the ring on when he handed it to me. We grabbed a beer each (I was definitely a beer gal now) and went to mingle with our families. It was a good five minutes before anyone noticed. I'd have put good money on Megan noticing first and she didn't disappoint.

"Oh my God, what's that?" Her face was a picture of shock, as she pointed towards my hand, clasping Mathew's wrist sharply as she did so. Multiple pairs of eyes followed.

"Mike proposed this morning," I blushed happily.

There was an avalanche of loud noise and then they came over and hugged us. Everyone else took notice of the commotion and then word got around. My Mum hugged me and had tears in her eyes. "I'm so happy for you," she whispered. "You're going to be very happy together," I could see she meant it.

"Thanks Mum," I choked, squeezing her.

Mike got 'the talk' from one of my Mum's cousin's who was twice his age and half Mike's size, but he took it respectfully while Liv, a few drinks in, tried to cover her laughter nearby.

It was my turn to be drunk that evening. as everyone wanted to know how he had proposed, and it came with it more drinks handed to me than I could keep up with.

It wasn't the most romantic proposal ever, I knew that, but anyone that knew me before dating Mike and since, would agree it was perfect. For someone who had wasted too many years striving for the wrong definition of perfection, to have found what it really was with him, made complete sense.

Epilogue

When you want something so bad, and it feels impossible, you realise how important everything you do have is. Family, friends, love.

Over the next three years, my Facebook and Instagram were filled with pictures and happy memories. Our trip to Australia and then our month-long tour of Asia, being Godmother to Char's second child, Mike & I holding Megan's daughter, a night celebrating my promotion at work. More pictures followed, including a double date with Amy and her girlfriend (a surprise to her at the time too) and eventually once Liv settled down, a picture of 8 of us on a long table taken by a stressed waitress. Mike even indulged me with a picture in his old army uniform at his next reunion. His favourite pictures posted on my Facebook were taken when I had managed to pull some strings at work to get him & I tickets to a media screening of the new Marvel film. I still wasn't a fan and Mike gloated for weeks about how many likes my Facebook post got.

What I didn't have, what I craved most of all though, was a picture of me with a baby bump.

We were trying for over two years. Ups and downs, tears and promises that 'this would be the last time' when pregnancy tests returned negative, but it never was. There were multiple trips to specialists and numerous IVF procedures with Mike sticking hormone injections into me so many times that I preferred not to count in the end. He was typically amazing at first - supportive, encouraging and optimistic - but he broke down in the end. When even he lost his optimism that the next time would be the time, I knew we needed to stop for a little while. We had run down our savings to the point we had enough for one more round and then we'd need to save like mad again, while I was still young enough.

Telling him was hard. Admitting even a temporary defeat was heart-breaking for both of us. He held me when I told him I needed to take a break from it all but he didn't disagree, which told me he knew it was right for us.

"It's long," he whispered to me.

"What's long?" I tearfully responded back.

He pulled me apart from him. "The right response is, 'how long?'" There was a twinkle in his eye.

I humoured him, "how long?"

He sung it back to me. "It's a mighty long road but I'll find you, I will hold you and I'll be there."

I hadn't heard that song in years, but it got to me. I broke down in tears, but I laughed. I cried laughing.

_

By pure luck, I fell pregnant when we least expected it.

We ended up taking a longer break from the IVF than we originally planned at the time. We knew it would be reducing the window that I could conceive further still, but then one day Mike noticed I had started to avoid touching my hair again. He still missed nothing. We were out for the evening and twice I stopped myself flicking a loose tuft of hair behind my ear. I cursed myself for putting it into a ponytail.