February Sucks - A Sequel

She began wailing. I just sat there as she tried to continue, "I was scared about what I was doing but something kept pushing me that it would be ok. I don't know. I just don't know how to answer this."

I looked at Dr. Webb and found myself filling up with emotions and could tell I was going to break down soon. I looked at Samantha and she could see the emotional pain on my face. "Linda and Doctor Webb. Can we take a five minute break?" They agreed and I got up. I walked to the door and once in the hallway sprinted down the hall. I wanted to get far enough away from the room that no one would hear me. I then broke down sobbing. I leaned against the wall and couldn't stop crying. I covered my face with my hands and was unable to breath.

I can't even describe what I was feeling. It was an overwhelming waterfall of sadness, anger, loss, love, sympathy. It was every human emotion other than happiness. It was crushing all in a single moment. When I regained my composure,

I realized Samantha and Doctor Webb were standing there. Doctor Webb asked, "Are you ok? We could see this was starting to get to you."

I shook my head, "I'll never be ok. Never. I'll never be happy again. The only thing keeping me sane are the kids. My life outside of that is over. I died that night." I stood there feeling completely alone in the world.

When we grow up and move out of our parent's house there is feeling of accomplishment, of being your own person. Then you find someone and you see your own future tied to them. Their future is your future. But when that disappears you are like rudderless boat. Floating in nothingness with no direction or ability to move. I felt numb.

Doctor Webb walked over to me, "Do you want to stop the discussion with Linda?"

I had come this far and was going to see this through. "No, let's go back and keep going."

Samantha and Doctor Webb looked at each other for a second. She then said, "I want to talk to Doctor Webb for a minute. We'll be right back." They went down the hall in deep conversation. He nodded and they came back.

We got back into the room and Doctor Webb looked at Linda. "Linda we're going to do something different for a few minutes and then will get back to the agenda for the session. Is that ok with you?" She nodded quietly with her hands in her lap fidgeting with a handkerchief.

Doctor Webb took a deep breath. "Ok. When we took the break, Jim you left the room. You ran down the hall. Why did you do that?"

A little surprised by the question I answered, "I wanted to get away from the room so no one could hear me."

"Why didn't you want anyone to hear you?" Samantha asked.

Pausing for a moment to answer, "I, because I knew I was going to start crying hard and I didn't want anyone to hear me."

"So what if we hear you crying? What does that matter? You were sniffling and had some teary eyes while you were talking earlier. Why was this any different?" Doctor Webb asked.

"I, I knew I was going to cry really hard. I knew I was going to really break down." I looked at Linda and her face turned from the stoic look she generally had to having a thoughtful look like she was trying to analyze my words.

Samantha continued, "So you were going to cry hard. What if the three of us were sitting in this room and heard you doing that. What does it matter? I know I've heard lots of people cry, and you've cried in front of me many times. I'm sure Doctor Webb has heard people crying as well. So why did it matter?"

Intent on a definitive answer Doctor Webb then followed up, "When a person cries it means they're sad and something is hurting them. Letting someone see you cry is a way to communicate to them that they hurt you. So why would that be a problem?"

There was no getting around this question. I had to answer but I didn't know what answering this would mean. I had to trust Dr. Webb and Samantha on this one.

"I," I choked up, "I, I didn't want Linda to get upset by hearing me cry so hard."

There was some type of release of tension in the room. Dr Webb and Samantha looked at each other. I looked at Linda and her mouth was open slightly. She had more of a look of being 'there' than she had previously.

Dr Webb then asked the question to be sure we all understood the importance of what I did. "Jim, you didn't want Linda to get upset. Can we conclude anything else from this?"

I understood fully what he was driving towards. "It means that I still care about her somehow deep down that I." I paused. I wasn't sure what it meant exactly. There's a world of difference between compassion and love. I continued, "That I have compassion for her and don't want to hurt her needlessly."

There was a moment of complete silence in the room. Then Dr Webb broke in, "I think that's something for us all to consider as we continue. Linda, do you understand what Jim just said?" She nodded with a tear running down her cheek.

I couldn't help but look at Linda. I gave her a small half-hearted smile. She gave one back. It was the first time it looked like she was 'there'.

Dr Webb took a deep breath, "Ok let's continue." He looked at Linda, "Do you understand why Jim sees your actions as indicating you ignored the fact that you were married?"

She nodded and gave a quiet, "Yes I do understand that. I don't know why I did what I did. I have no good explanation for it. I got so caught up in the idea of this famous man wanting to be with me. I lost my mind. It was like something was controlling me and I wasn't able to control myself."

"Jim what do you think about Linda's answer? Does it change how you view what she did at that moment by leaving to be with Mr. LaValliere?"

I shook my head, "No it doesn't change how I feel about what she did. I would never think to abandon her that way. When I threw her out of our house she was crying about me 'throwing her away', but that is exactly what she did to me."

That answer looked like a gut punch to Linda by using her own words against her. Linda sat there crying and began saying, "I'm so sorry," over and over.

After thirty seconds of that I instinctively reached over to her and put my hand on her knee, "I know Linda, I know. I believe you're sorry. I believe you when you say that."

"Ok Jim, when you realized Linda had left with Marc, how did you feel?"

"Other than being more angry than I ever have before?"

Samantha cut in, "Yes other than that."

"Simple, like my entire life had disappeared."

She followed up, "If you could have done anything in that moment what would it have been?"

I looked at Linda, "Died. I wish I would have been hit by a car and died."

Samantha not surprised by my answer, "Really?"

"Yes, if not for my kids. My life was over at that point and I knew it. Everything I loved was gone."

"What did you think when Linda's friend Dee said to you that Linda going with Mr. LaValliere was only one night. That she would come back to you and you would have your whole lives together. What did you think of that?"

I felt myself slowing declining into depression, "I felt like it meant that it would take thousands of days with me to equal one night with the asshole. Linda and I were together ten years which is like 3,600 days, I'm only worth 1/3,600 of the asshole? That's what the argument that 'it's only one night' said to me. And really it's even worse because it says that that one night is worth risking the last ten years and the next thirty. I felt like a complete worthless piece of shit. I couldn't have felt more insignificant."

I looked at Linda, "Do you understand that? Do you see that you risked thousands of days with me for one with him? What if I said to you, Linda I love you but my whole life with you is worth one night with Kate Beckinsale? How would you feel about that?"

She didn't answer me at first. Dr Webb started to talk and she put her hand up for him to stop. She raised her head and looked right at me, "I never thought of you that way. Ever. I know you don't believe me but it's true. I thought of it as one night wasn't significant compared to a lifetime." She sat there crying.

I hated to say what came to my mind but I had to, "If the one night wasn't significant than why risk a lifetime to have it?"

The room fell silent. Dr Webb asked Linda, "Do you fully understand what you did to Jim?"

She nodded. "You know that I do. But hearing it from him again this way just makes it all the more devastating that I was so stupid. I can't say that I had any rational thoughts that night. I didn't. I opened the door up to hurting Jim the moment I stood up. I know that. I listened to people I shouldn't have. I had thoughts I shouldn't have. I've learned a lesson that ruined the lives of many people." She sat there quiet. I didn't know what else to say so I just sat there as well.

Dr Webb broke the silence, "Jim do you have another question for Linda?"

"Yes. Linda, did you plan this and know that he was going to be there or had you had you been in contact with him before?"

She hesitated and didn't respond instantly. Then offered, "No I didn't plan this. I never had any contact with him before." I had that weird feeling again that something was off in her answers. I couldn't put my finger on it. It was an eerie feeling.

Before I could react Dr Webb interjected, "Jim I can tell you that from all of my conversations with Linda, what she just said is true. I just felt I needed to tell you that." Given the feeling I had I found his comment interesting. Why did he feel like he had to tell me what she said was true?

"Jim, I have a question for you." I was numb and nodded. "Do you feel Linda is truly sorry for what she did?"

I thought for a minute since I had two answers for this. But there was one thing that was more powerful than anything. I answered softly, "I do believe that."

Everyone looked at me, evidently my answer was a surprise. He followed up, "Why do you believe her?"

My answer may have come off as cold to some but it was more powerful than any words she could ever say. "To be really blunt about it. I think her attempted suicides and what has happened to her physically and mentally says it all. I don't say it to be mean, but what she did has obviously had a devastating impact on her. This isn't her words, it's her mind and body reacting to what resulted from that night."

Linda softly said, "I know I'm ugly now".

I patted her knee, "No you aren't, don't say that." She began to cry.

Linda regained her composure, "Jim I can say I'm sorry every day for the rest of my life and it would never be enough. I know that. I understand what I did to you. I never stopped loving you, I know you don't believe that and I understand why. I wish I could explain what I did, but I can't. And even if I could it doesn't matter now. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I was ashamed of what I was doing. That's why I couldn't look at you. Something came over me. It was my fault. I wish I had had a friend there to help me not do what I did. But I didn't have any true friends. I do know that I will never again do anything that could hurt the trust and love of anyone that will have me." She paused then said, "Dr. Webb, I am tired and want to go back to my room. Can we end this now?"

Dr Webb looked at me and asked, "Jim, what do you think? Do you think it's time to end this conversation?" I looked around and looked at Linda. For some reason the answer I wanted to give was different than what I thought I would say.

"For today? Yes." I took a deep breath, "But I would like if we can all get together again next week to talk some more. Can we do that?" I looked at Linda and she was quiet and almost didn't seem to realize what I asked. Then she looked up with a look in her eye that looked more like the Linda I knew before. Someone was there. Someone was clearly there. The deep sadness wasn't as strong.

Dr. Webb looked at me surprised, "Well Linda? What do you think?"

She nodded. "Yes, I can try to answer whatever questions Jim has. As hard as this is I need to hear it. I need to feel what he felt. I think I do, but I'll keep meeting until he doesn't want to anymore."

Samantha and Dr Webb got up and I sat for a moment. I wanted to say something alone to Linda. "Dr Webb, would it be ok if I said something to Linda in private?"

"Let Samantha and I talk for second on that." They went into the hall and came back quickly. "Linda are you ok talking to Jim alone?" She nodded.

They left and Linda and I sat there looking at each other. I took a deep breath not sure what I wanted to say. I just felt I wanted to say something. "Linda, I think you understand what I've been through and what I felt. I don't think I'll ever understand why you did what you did. You don't seem to understand it yourself. But I also believe you would be on guard in the future to be more protective of, of anyone you would be involved with. You've been through a lot yourself. I see that. I feel it when you talk."

I continued, "I've gone over that night in my head a million times. God, I wish I could go back. To stop you from dancing, or break in after one dance, or not gone in the first place." I shook my head.

She started talking. She was so soft I had to strain to hear her. "I can't explain why I did what I did. I mean I know what I was feeling at the moment and the desire to be with him. I wasn't in control the way I should have been. I know I ruined our marriage and hurt you in a way I can never take back. I have a very hard time living with that. I," She stammered, "I don't know if you know this but I, I tried to kill myself. They are helping me here to not want to do that, but sometimes I still think of it."

"Linda," I reached and touched her leg. "Please promise me you won't try to hurt yourself anymore. Please promise me." She nodded. "Ok I'm serious," I then did something we did when we were dating, 'Pinky promise me'. I held out my hand. "Pinky promise?"

She put her pinky finger around mine and with a little smile said, "Pinky promise."

"Ok we've had a long day. You go get your rest ok?" She nodded and got up.

As I left Dr Webb and Samantha motioned me as I came through the lobby. "How did talking to Linda alone go for you?"

I was a bit worn out emotionally but managed to put on a brave face, "It was good. Just gives me a little more understanding of what she was thinking, or not thinking, and how she feels reflecting on what she did." I looked down and sighed as I spoke.

Dr. Webb then asked me, "Jim you look concerned about something. What is it?"

I knew I couldn't describe what I was going to say in a way that would be convincing to them, but I proceeded to at least express what I was feeling. "Something seems off. There were a couple answers, that," I paused for an instant. "I know she is a different person now, but I get a strange feeling that she's lying about something."

Sam and Webb look at each other concerned. Samantha quickly countered with, "Maybe it's just that you don't trust her?"

I shook my head, "No it's something other than that I think. Maybe it's that I don't trust." I struggled for words. They just looked at me perplexed. I continued, "Something doesn't feel right and I can't put my finger on it. It doesn't make sense. I mean we're divorced, why lie to me? And it's not like she's saying things that I would have been ok with. Something is off though. I know Linda has been thought a lot. But I get a strange feeling."

Dr. Webb then asked me, "Is this a feeling that makes you rethink talking to Linda?"

Shaking my head, "No it doesn't. My antenna are up though. I think there is something she isn't telling me. Honestly I'd bet my life on it."

They looked at each other still with concerned looks. Dr. Webb then changed the subject. "Do you have a few minutes for me to show you something?" He motioned to come into his office.

I went in and sat down, Samantha sat next to me. "Are you ok?" she asked with a concerned look. She had seen me enough to be able to read me pretty well.

"No, not really" I said weakly.

Dr Webb went into a filing cabinet and pulled out a folder. He leafed through it and pulled out a piece of pink paper. He slid it across the desk. "I think you should read this." I looked at it and tears filled my eyes before I even read a sentence.

"Dear Mom and Dad,

"I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. You've been wonderful parents and I know how disappointed you are with what I've done. I know you taught me better and you shouldn't feel any responsibility for how I've acted or what I'm doing now with this letter. I failed myself and you in the process. I know I can't make up for what I did that night and can't live with that.

"All I see any more in my mind is that night and the aftermath of it.

- I see our wedding rings in the toilet and then disappearing

- I see Jim telling me 'you're not my wife anymore'

- I see Jim telling me I'm dead to him

- I see our house that we spent so much time building together destroyed, the things from our wedding broken and ripped apart

- I hear myself asking him to not call that man an asshole

- I see the videos that man sent to Jim of me disrespecting Jim, of me not caring that that man was disrespecting our wedding rings, that that man said he would keep having sex with me in the future

- I see myself begging for Jim not to throw me away and him telling me he hates my guts and I make him sick to his stomach

- I see Jim as he wouldn't let me get close to him

- I see how he looked heart broken in the middle of our house when I came home

- I see how Jim looked when I abandoned him that night

- I see Jim's face bruised from that man attacking him

- I see Emma asking why I kissed that man

- I think of Emma being hit and hurt

- I see my car in the driveway filled with my clothes

- I see my wedding dress cut to shreds on the floor

- I see the newspaper picture

- I see Jim before I danced with that man as he fed me wings

- I see him as he told me I was the most beautiful women in the club

- I hear me telling Jim that was to be our special night

- I see the look on Jim's face when he saw my new dress

- I see Jim pointing at the door of our home and yelling 'go goddamit' at me

"I see this all, over and over and over constantly all the time awake or asleep it doesn't matter. All I see is how I hurt the man I love. I know I will see this everyday forever as my sentence to pay for what I did.

"There is nothing I can do to make up for what I did. I understand why Jim hates me. I thought about what I would do if it was him that left the club with someone. I made me get sick and I vomited all over the bed. I think you remember cleaning that up. I can only imagine how I would have been if it really happened. And I know that is what I put Jim through.

"I know I'll never meet another man like him. He is my soulmate. What type of monster am I that I could do what I did to my soulmate, the man I love, the man I promised to love exclusively, the man that earlier that night I was looking at and loving, the man I looked forward to spending the night with, the man I talked into going that night with a promise of a special night, the man I wanted to grow old with. It doesn't matter why I did what I did. It was my responsibility and commitment to Jim to never do anything like that. There is no justification.

"I don't deserve to live anymore. There is no reason for me to be here. I will never love another man again. I know that Emma and Timmy will someday learn the truth about me and what I did to Jim. When they do they will hate me and will cut me out of their lives. I know they will, they won't want to be around such a horrible person who hurts those she loves.

"Please tell Emma and Timmy I love them. Tell them that I needed to go away and that their dad is the best father and will take wonderful care of them. Tell them I'm sorry I wasn't a better mother to them. Tell them I will always watch over them when I've gone to another place now.