February Sucks - A Sequel

This is a sequel to Saddletramp1956's version of this George Anderson classic. Thanks to ST for permission to use his story. This sequel starts at the Epilogue of Saddletramp1956's "February Sucks - Big Time". I recommend you read that first before reading this sequel.

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The next few months were rough on all of us. The children and I learned to cope without Linda, and we settled into a routine. I learned all the things Linda used to do, mostly by trial and error. It wasn't easy being "Mr. Mom," but I managed with help from my mother. Linda's parents pitched in as well. After a while, the children got to where they didn't miss their mother as much. Emma had been undergoing counseling, which helped a lot.

Linda, by the way, tried killing herself two more times, and was saved, again by her mother. After the third time, she was declared incompetent and placed in a long-term mental health facility run by the state. I've heard that she spends much of her day in a near-catatonic state, not speaking to anyone. She eats, breathes, goes to the bathroom, and sleeps, but that's pretty much it. The rest of the time, she sits in her room, rocking back and forth, apparently dreaming of happier times.

In July, I decided to sell the house. There were just had too many memories associated with it. The hardest ones weren't the ones from after she left, they were the ones from before. The memories of the wonderful life that was destroyed were the most gut-wrenching.

Thanks to the help of a counselor named Samantha Curtis, I was slowly putting my life back together. I didn't have much of a social life due to all the hours I spent with the children. They were still my first priority. Even if I had time, I came to the conclusion that I could never trust another woman the way I had trusted Linda. I felt that if I was so wrong about her how could I really know what anyone was like. Samantha tried to get me to change how I felt about that but we eventually hit a brick wall that I couldn't get passed. We kept trying though.

In October my phone rang and I saw it was the hospital Linda was at. "Hello this is Jim Carlisle."

A man replied, "Mr. Carlisle this is Doctor Webb at the Blue Lake Village Hospital your wife."

I interrupted him, "Former wife."

"Ah yes, um, where your former wife is being treated." There was a slight pause.

"What can I do for you Doctor?"

"Well, as part of Linda's treatment I was wondering if, well if you would be willing to be part of a session with her."

I was a little shocked and thought for a second. "You know we're divorced and I've made it clear I have no interest in trying to reconcile with her?"

There was another slight pause and then he continued, "I understand that. This isn't for your marriage, it's for her to hear from you what her actions did to you. I know you had some interactions with her right after she, um, after she."

The doctor paused seeming to struggle for words to describe what she did so I helped him out. "After she abandoned me publicly in front of friends to have an affair on a night she pledged was to be a special night with me?"

He answered sounding a little uncomfortable, "Yes after that. I know you two had words. But what I would like is for you to talk about what her actions did to you without the raw emotions of the event being so recent. I believe there would be value in her treatment if you could talk about it in a less emotional setting and with some months to reflect on what she did."

I thought for a minute. No question I made myself clear to her immediately after her betrayal. However, I imagined it could bring me some peace of mind to describe my thoughts more calmly and hear her reaction now. "I have a question. Will it just be me talking or will Linda have to respond to what I say? I guess I'm asking if this will be a conversation between Linda and I that you moderate?"

"Yes, that is the plan."

"Ok I'm willing to do that. I have another question. Her parents told me that she pretty much just sits there quiet rocking in a chair in almost a vegetative state. Is that true?"

The doctor didn't answer for a second then replied, "I'm not at liberty to."

I cut in, "Listen doc, you're asking me to do this which I can assure you will be gut wrenching to me. I'm in therapy now and to be blunt don't think I'll ever recover some of what I lost. I will never be able to fully trust another human being again. Do you understand the implications of that for someone in their thirties? Do you?"

"I do," the doctor responded softly. There was another pause and then he sighed, "I can tell you that Linda does sit and for the most part doesn't talk. She began talking a little over a month ago to some extent. She has made some progress but I will just say that she is a deeply damaged person from what she did. I think if she gets to hear directly from you it will fill in things for her that would help her recovery progress."

"Ok what are the next steps in this?" I asked.

Sounding somewhat surprised that I agreed to participate, "Well, I would like to have a meeting with you and your therapist to get some basic information together. If you want, you can have your therapist with us when you and Linda talk. Would you like that?"

I sighed, "Yeah that's probably a good idea."

A few days later I met with Dr. Webb and Samantha. The doctor gave us an idea of Linda's condition. It was clear that the aftermath of that night effectively killed the Linda I had known. Not only had she tried to kill herself several times, she was unable to take care of herself at all for well over a month. She needed to be given IV nutrition since she wasn't eating. She also would only talk to herself having imaginary conversations with me. At other times she would just sit there crying.

I asked about who had visited her and the list was short, just her parents. None of her friends had even tried to see her. Dee the queen of all bitches who I hated with all my heart didn't even visit. That bitch helped kill my marriage and was partly responsible for destroying Linda. She should have bent over backwards to help her now, but she was nowhere to be seen.

Dr. Webb said that Linda said her first words that weren't just talking to herself in August, over five months after that night. It took over a month before the doctor was able to have a conversation with her of any substance at all.

The doctor outlined the agenda for the discussion. He had a set of questions he wanted me to speak to. I asked if he could give them to me ahead of time so I could write up answers. I thought that would help me take the edge off of my answers and make sure I covered everything I wanted to. While he understood my reasoning, he resisted. True he didn't want me coming in and showing her raw unedited anger, however he didn't want my answers to be emotionless. He felt some tempered emotion would be helpful in conveying what I went through.

We set the date for the discussion the following week. As I walked out of the facility with Samantha she stopped me and pointed towards a bench in a garden. "Let's chat for a minute." We sat and she started, "What are your feelings about this?"

I thought for a second, "I guess I'm hoping that if I get everything off my chest it could help me move on. Maybe knowing that she really understands what she did to me I can feel better about us not being together anymore. I'm tired of being stuck in life, I want something to change." I shook my head and sighed deeply.

Samantha had an unusual look on her face. "That's an interesting choice of words. So it still bothers you that you aren't with her anymore?"

"Well yes. You and I have talked about this some. I really felt my marriage was the best. I thought we were lucky how we got along and how much we loved each other. I know you tell me that it's just a matter of time for me to find that again, but I doubt that. Maybe I will someday. I have two kids to raise and I don't have the time to find someone. I don't trust anyone other than my kids and my parents. Even if I get past that I don't envision finding another woman I think is my soulmate. I just don't. Not anytime soon that's for sure." I sat there feeling the sadness of the past months covering over me.

She looked out into the garden for a moment. "What's your biggest fear of having this conversation next week?"

"That seeing Linda in the state she's in will make me even more angry about what she did to herself and what others like Dee did to our lives."

The ensuing week went pretty quick and it was finally the day of the session. I dropped the kids off at Linda's parent's house for the day. Her mom pulled me aside and said, "I know how hurt and angry you are. Just please be gentle when you speak. Linda is different now. I don't just mean that she's very sorry for what she did. I mean that she has changed a lot. You'll see. Just be as compassionate as you can."

As I drove to the hospital I thought about how I would answer questions in as neutral a way as possible. I wanted to convey the hurt I endured but to strip away the anger I felt. I wanted her to understand what I went through and why, but I didn't want to inflict pain on her just to make her pay for what she put me through. Surprisingly I wasn't looking for retribution or revenge, I was looking for closure. It sounded like Linda was already suffering enough.

After getting signed in Dr. Webb gave me some basic instructions. We would be sitting in an area that was like a small living room with couches so we were comfortable. He said Linda would already be there if I wanted to say hello. I asked him if there were any restrictions on 'small talk' before we got started. He said no but if he felt it was going in a direction that wasn't healthy, he would intervene.

When I first saw Linda I was shocked. She looked at least ten years older. She had lines on her face that she never had before, and her hair was completely gray. She was thin, almost unhealthy looking, and seemed to slouch over and not sit up straight. Her eyes were empty and didn't sparkle like they used to. Her expression was blank and without emotion. She almost looked like a person who was 'gone', like a body absent a person inside.

I went over to her and sat next to her and said hello. She perked up a little and said hello back. "Jim you look good. You lost some weight. Are you eating ok?"

I shook my head, "I, um, I've been busy and don't eat so good some days." I continued, "You look good too."

"I appreciate that you're trying to be nice but you and I know that's not true. I, I'm not as active as I should be and need to maybe get some exercise. I'm thinking about doing that soon in the future."

She looked down with a sad look on her face. "Are you seeing anyone? She asked next.

I wasn't sure this was where I wanted the conversation to go but shook my head. "I don't really have the time and I'm really not interested in having a relationship now with anyone. I, I think I'll just stay alone for a while and then maybe sometime in the future who knows."

At that point Dr. Webb asked me to sit so we could get started. For some reason I felt it would be best to sit near to Linda and not on the other side of the room. I was interested in seeing her body language and watching her expression. I asked Linda, "Is it ok if I sit here sort of near you?" She nodded and seemed happy that I didn't move far from her. I took a deep breath and hoped I'd get through the rest of the day without becoming an emotional wreck.

Dr. Webb began. "Jim, can you tell me about your marriage? How would you describe it up to say the day before the trip to the club?"

I began, "I always felt we had a beautiful relationship. Even though we had been married ten years we felt very much in love. I enjoyed spending as much time with Linda as possible. We always were able to show each other a lot affection and sometimes people joked that we were like horny high schoolers."

As I spoke I looked at Dr. Webb. I did that since Samantha had heard this stuff before and I wasn't sure if I should look at Linda. At some point I did look at her for a second and there were tears running down her face. It made me sad that she threw this all away. A marriage that I think most people would kill to protect. When I got done Dr. Webb said, "So is it fair to say that you felt your marriage was more or less perfect?" I nodded.

Then the next question, "Tell me about the day you went to the club up to the point where Mr. LaValliere came to your table?"

I felt myself get a little more emotional with a mix of sadness and anger. "Well, we were talking about going to our room early so we could be together alone. Linda appeared to be very much in love with me and very interested in us being alone. This night was to be special for us. We talked a lot about this that day and the days right before."

He interjected, "So the two of you had spoken about how this night was to be special for your relationship and the two of you together?" I nodded feeling myself choking up. I tried to start talking but and my voice broke up. This was starting to get really difficult.

I was finally able to get, "Yes," out of my mouth. After a pause and me getting my composure I added, "In fact the one husband with the group asked Linda to dance and she told him no that the night was just for her and I and." I stopped unable to finish my sentence.

The doctor not satisfied with my response for some reason filled in, "Linda told this other person in the group that she was only going to dance with you this particular night because it was a special night for you and her?" I nodded emphatically.

The doctor kept going, "So at the moment Linda got up to dance with Mr. LaValliere. How did you feel?"

I started to shake my head side to side, "Like I didn't matter anymore." The doctor let there be some silence as I tried to regain my composure. I could hear Linda crying but I didn't look at her. I tried to continue, "I felt like in an instant I went from the love of her life to just some guy. I felt abandoned." There was a pause and the only sound was Linda.

"Linda. You've heard what Jim has said up to this point. I wanted to ask you specifically about this moment of that night. Do you understand how Jim felt at that moment?"

She started to talk but was also choked up, "Yes I understand that I had committed to our night and I broke that promise. I can appreciate how that must have felt. I'm so sorry. Even if the rest of the night didn't happen, I already ruined the night for Jim by getting up to dance even if nothing else happened."

She went silent and then looked at me. No one looks good when they are crying, but with how she looked now and the emotion on her face, she looked like an old woman in poor health in mourning. While our marriage was over, I didn't still have the burning hatred. Maybe seeing how bad a shape she was in took the edge off those feelings I had before. I just felt compassion for the state Linda was in.

"Jim, how did you feel when you saw them dancing? Did you think about intervening?"

My voice continued to crack, "The more I saw the worse I felt. I got up at one point and one of Linda's friends stopped me from breaking in. Seeing that Linda was enjoying herself and figuring the damage to the night was already done, I let the dance continue. I figured the magic of the night was already broken. I figured when she came back to the table at least she would have the uniqueness of getting to dance with a football player to hold her over until I got over her dancing with him in the first place. I knew I wouldn't be much fun the rest of the night."

"Why didn't you stop her from dancing with him in the first place?"

"Simple, as soon as he asked her she bolted from the table as fast as she could. I never had a chance. It never occurred to me things could turn out as bad as they did."

The doctor then addressed Linda. "Do you understand how hurt Jim was at that moment of the night?"

She quietly answered, "Yes".

He continued, "Do you recognize that in an attempt to make you happy, your husband didn't intervene to break up your dance?" She nodded with tears running down her cheeks. The doctor didn't let up. "Linda do you realize that the love that Jim had for you at that moment enabled to you to leave him?"

She nodded, "I know that. That he wanted to see me happy so he let the dance continue and that led to my betraying him. I used his love and trust to betray him." At that moment she put her hands to her face and sobbed. "I'm so sorry!" She yelled.

There was a minute of silence and then the questions continued. "Jim, tell us about when Linda came back to the table. What did you experience and feel then?"

I took a deep breath. "When I saw her coming back I could see the look on her face and how it changed as she got close to me. I could see something was wrong. When she sat next to me she wouldn't look at me. It made me feel worse. Looking back at it I was watching her decide she didn't want to be married to me anymore."

Linda screamed, "That's not true! I wanted to stay married to you! I didn't want us to end! I didn't!"

I continued speaking now directly to her, "Ok. I felt something happening that was way different than ten minutes before when you told Dave you wouldn't dance with him. Or when you asked me when we could go to our room to be alone. Those sentiments towards me were gone when you came back to the table. You were distant. When you got up to leave I didn't feel loved. Something was gone. It was different."

She shook her head. Dr Webb asked, "Linda, you and I have talked about this part of that night. What was going on in your head?"

"He had just asked me to go home with him. Then I saw Jim and thought about him and our night. I admit the idea of someone like that man wanting me was exciting, but I felt terrible thinking that and looking at Jim. What I was thinking was so wrong. I wish I never danced with that man. I wanted something I shouldn't have wanted."

As Linda answered I had a strange feeling about her answer. There was something off about it. I couldn't put my finger on it but if I didn't know better I would say she was lying about something. But what? She was telling me about abandoning me. What lies could there be in that?

"Jim when Linda left the table to go to the restroom with her friend Dee, what did you think?"

"I thought it felt weird. I thought she would be back in a few minutes."

"Linda, when you left the table. What did you do?"

She looked down, "I told Dee that that man wanted to take me home but that I couldn't cheat on Jim."

The doctor seemingly familiar with this kept going, "And what did she say to you?"

"She said that it would be ok, that she would stall Jim so I could get away. She kept directing me to go."

The doctor continuing, "And you believed you could go be with Mr. LaValliere and not lose Jim?"

She quietly answered, "Yes that's what I hoped," as she cried.

"Did you think about the special night you were to have with your husband?" She nodded and began to sob.

I sat there hearing this and still wondered what the hell was going on inside Linda's head with this let alone Dee the queen bitch pushing her.

"Doctor can I asked Linda a question?" I ask as I raised my hand. He nodded.

"Linda," She looked at me. "When during this night did you forget you were married to me?"

Still crying she barely got, "Never," out of her mouth.

"So you knew you were married and ignored what this would do to your marriage?" I asked without any tone in my voice even though I could feel myself getting a little angry.

She then lashed out, "I didn't forget I was married. I just got caught up in the moment and somehow convinced myself with Dee's pressure that it would be ok. OH GOD I was so stupid and crazed. I don't know why. I should have never even stood up when he asked me to dance. Jim this scene plays over and over in my head all the time. I can't stop it and would give anything to go back. I don't know why I did. GOD I DON'T KNOW!!"