February Sucks - A Sequel

"Because," I paused, "Because, as broken as I am, maybe my healing is tied to her healing. It's a thought I had. I'm not sure really."

"What do you think is the biggest thing keeping her from healing?" Samantha asked quietly.

A thought came into my head at that moment and I sat there for a second. "Please give me a minute." I asked Dr Webb and Samantha. I looked at Samantha and she motioned for me to go into the hall.

We got outside and she said, "Let's take a walk." We went down the hall quietly. Samantha stood in front of me and unusually close for some reason. "What are you thinking? It's doesn't have to be what you're going to do, but what is swirling in your head?"

I sighed, "I'm thinking of," I paused and reconsidered. "I'm thinking of forgiving her."

Samantha didn't react at all almost like she expected me to say that. "Ok so what are you afraid of if you say that?"

"I don't know. It's just." I paused. I wasn't sure what I was afraid of.

"Are you afraid that it's too soon to forgive her?"

I nodded, "Yeah maybe that's it."

"You know there is no formula for this. There is no rule of how long or anything. Maybe the right time is when you think she's paid for what she did and the next step is for you to let go of the anger? Maybe then you can open yourself up to healing more and having different conversations with her. That could open her up to understanding what she did to you better and you can heal and hear what she is saying in a different way? Holding on to anger towards her will block your ability to connect to other people in your life. We've talked about this."

Those were all good questions and I understood what Samantha was saying. She and I had talked about healing at length. I turned and nodded towards the room.

We got to the door and Samantha motioned for Dr Webb to come out. She spoke for me as I stood there thinking. "Jim has something he wants to say to Linda. He is going to forgive her."

Dr. Webb's mouth dropped open and he stood there speechless. He was at a loss for words and his eyes teared up. He actually turned away from us and rubbed the tears from his eyes. He took a deep breath and motioned his head towards the room.

I sat down next to Linda and she looked at me with a small smile. Sitting next to her like this made me realize how frail she was now. Not only physically but emotionally. I found it impossible to look at her and feel anger and hatred. It was almost like I wasn't looking at the Linda who betrayed me, I was looking at a different Linda.

"Linda," I started as she nodded. "Getting to see you and talk to you, I still have a lot of questions. Some may never get answered. I'm honestly not sure what I'll do with that. I don't know how that will affect my ability to heal and get over what you did. I know I'll never be the same man you were married to all those years. I know he's gone. He died that night. I wish I could bring him back, but I can't." Tears ran down her face.

"I am just trying to heal the best I can. I guess to get myself to be as healthy as I can. Emotionally and physically. I know there will be limits to that. I accept that. It's just how things are now. I also want you to get better, emotionally and physically. I know there are things you can't explain about that night and what you did. I see it bothers you deeply. I see it hurts you and makes you sad. I see that you realize what the things you did, did to me, our marriage, our kids. I believe you learned a lesson you feel you should have never needed to learn."

I took a deep breath. "I know you're hurting. You know I'm hurting. I'm hopeful that by us talking we'll each be able to hurt less. I know the hurt will always be there. But maybe a little less and less each day. Maybe talking will let us each be able to find a path forward in life that gives us each some happiness. I have an idea on something that may help you in your journey. Something that I can give you. And hearing you talk and having you tell me you're sorry and knowing you mean it truly in your heart, I want to give that something."

I felt myself tearing up. Linda was quiet and looking at me intently. Tears ran down my face. "Linda, I forgive you for that night and what you did."

She sat there and her eyes fluttered for a second. She didn't react beyond that and then it seemed like a light bulb went on. She stammered for a moment, "You," she didn't continue.

"I forgive you."

Her eyes got big and she began to sob. I looked at Dr. Webb almost for approval. He motioned. I moved a little and put my arms around Linda and held her as she broke down even more. We just sat there both crying.

I felt a little bit like some more weight had been lifted from me. She looked at me and asked, "Maybe we can be friends?"

I wasn't 100% sure of that but caught up in the moment I nodded, "Yes I think we can be friends." Her crying was so hard she began to pant and lose her breath some. I held her again and patted her back almost like you do with a baby.

After she calmed down, I looked at Dr. Webb. "We'll talk again next week?" He nodded. We got up and I asked if I could walk Linda to her room. He agreed.

We went down the hall and Jerome was sweeping. He looked at Linda and said, "Is Mister Jim helping you? I talked to him before and he said he was coming here to help you. I hope he does a good job of helping you because you're nice Miss Linda."

She said, "Yes Jerome, Mister Jim is helping me. Today we decided we can be friends."

"I have some friends too. That's good you're friends because you're both nice people." Linda and I looked at each other and smiled.

We got to her room and stood there quiet. I looked through her doorway into her room. I'd never seen it before. "You can look in my room if you want. It's small but it's nice." I walked in and looked around. It reminded me of a small college dorm room. There was just a bed, a chair and a built-in desk. Next to the bed was a little table. On it there was a picture. I picked it up, it was our wedding picture. I could feel tears wanting to come and I tried the best I could to hold them in but was unsuccessful. "My parents still had some of our pictures so I was able to get that one."

I nodded and brushed away the tears. There was a picture of the kids with her parents from the prior Christmas. I asked, "Are you allowed to have a plant in your room?" She shrugged her shoulders. I could feel sadness coming over me and turned to leave before it got the best of me.

"Ok I'm going to go now. I'll say hi to everyone for you. I'll see you next week ok."

She nodded. "Ok you get some rest and I'll talk to you later."

"Bye Jim. I'll see you later. You get yourself a good dinner ok? You've lost too much weight." I smiled and nodded.

As I walked down the hall I started to wonder when I would return to being some semblance of a whole person. I wondered if that was ever possible. I wondered what the future had in store for Linda. She was clearly not in any condition to live outside this facility even with her parents. She certainly couldn't live alone.

I shook my head at what a waste this all was. What a nightmare the past months had been. I still had visions of the past pop up in my mind from time to time. Samantha assured me that that would stop at some point, but I became less and less optimistic about her prediction. If it weren't for the kids I would have already swallowed a bullet. Without them life wasn't worth living. I started to understand why Linda tried to kill herself. Maybe the effects on each of us weren't all that different after all.

I drove to her parent's house to pick up the kids. When I got there I sat down at the kitchen table with her mom. With a concerned look she broke the silence, "You don't look good."

I shook my head. "I don't know anymore. They're all I have." I said motioning to the kids. "God why did she do it?" I looked down and then back at her mom. Almost as if mentioning an unimportant fact I said, "I forgave her today."

With a look of shock she could barely get out, "What?" I nodded. She sat there stunned for a moment. "You told her you forgave her?" I nodded again. Her Mom put her hands over her mouth and tears filled her eyes.

"It felt like it was time. For me, for her. It just felt like it was time."

"Why? Why now? I can see you're still so hurt" Her Mom said through the tears.

I nodded, "I'll always be hurt. I've almost given up hoping I'll ever be healed. Never be the same. Maybe never be happy. It's all gone. I thought that she needed to be forgiven to get better. Maybe it will help me. I pray it does. I don't know. I just don't fucking know."

"Jim your language!" I hadn't even realized I had sworn. I was just dazed. I gathered up the kids and went home. I got them in bed and then went to lay down. I stared at the ceiling all night. It was going to be another long night. As I laid there the shit-box car story crept into my consciousness.

The next day I was coming back from work and went past a florist and plant shop. I had a brainstorm and stopped. I saw something that I thought Linda would like and would brighten her room. I called my parents to get the kids from Mrs. Porter and headed to the hospital.

I went to the front desk and said I had something for Linda. The desk nurse looked at what I had and looked at Linda's file. "Yes, she can have this. Do you want me to take it to her or do you want to drop it off?" I told her I could take it.

As I went through the lobby I saw Jerome, "Hi Jerome how are you today?"

"Mister Jim! I'm fine. Oh look at that plant and flower! Wow that is nice. Is that for Miss Linda?" I nodded. "Oh she'll like that plenty."

"I hope so Jerome. I'll talk to you later." He waved and went back to work.

I got nearer to Linda's room and decided to be quiet as I got close. As I did, I could see her sitting her chair looking out the window. She was just staring with her hands on her lap. I quietly said, "Hey Linda."

She turned and for a moment didn't react. Then she smiled "Jim!" She looked surprised and said, "Is it time for our session this week? I'm sorry, I'll get ready for it."

"No, no that is next week. We met yesterday remember?" She nodded. "I brought you a plant for your room." I showed it to her and she was so excited by it.

"Thank you! I'll put it here so it gets enough sun." It was cute how she focused on the plant and made such a big deal over it. I started to realize how hollow her life here was and how seemingly trivial things took on more importance.

"Linda?"

"Yes," She turned and looked at me.

"I have a little time. Can we go sit in the lobby and just chat for a little bit?"

She nodded and we went down the hall. Jerome saw us and said to her, "Miss Linda that was a nice plant Mister Jim got you for a present. It looks like a little garden!" She nodded happily.

We sat in the lobby and I was now at a loss at what to say. I decided to make small talk. "What time do you eat dinner?"

"It's at 6:30. I think today is meat loaf. The mashed potatoes are good but the meat loaf kind of sucks."

"Are you allowed to have food from outside the hospital?"

Nervously fidgeting she replied, "I don't know."

"What is your favorite food here?"

She thought for a bit and then said the fried chicken. We talked awhile longer about nothing much. It was getting close to dinner so she went back to her room so she could get ready for that. I told her I would talk to her later.

The next day I called Linda's favorite restaurant and ordered manicotti for her. It was her favorite there. I got a salad and a piece of tiramisu as well. I set up for Door Dash to get it to her at 6:15. I called the front desk of the hospital and made the arrangements. Later that night I got a call from Linda's mom.

"Hi. Is everything ok?" I asked wondering why the late call.

I heard her sniffling and I could tell she was choking back tears.

"Is Linda alright?" I felt concern come across me.

"Jim, we were just there to see Linda. She's fine. Bless you. I," she stammered.

"What is it? I don't understand why you're crying."

"The dinner, the arrangement. I, bless you. You, you have a heart of gold."

"It was nothing. It's just a plant and some take out. It was no big deal." I answered not seeing why that warranted a call.

"I beg to differ but I'll leave this aside for now. Thank you. Maybe someday you'll understand what you truly did today." I was still baffled by what a big deal she was making but I said good night and didn't give it another thought.

The next weekly session came and I drove to the hospital. I got there early and sat in the lobby. I spoke to Jerome and caught up with him. I enjoyed talking to him and he always made me smile. Samantha showed up shortly after me and pulled me to the side. "I heard a rumor about you." She said with a grin.

Perplexed I said, "Oh?"

"Let's talk Door Dash from Alberini's. Or maybe a plant arrangement. Ring any bells?"

"Linda's mom made a big deal out of those also. I don't get it. What's the big deal?" I asked still perplexed on what I was missing.

"Ok. Did you have to buy the plant?" She asked with raised eyebrows.

"Well no," She cut me off.

"Did you have to order Door Dash from Alberini's?"

"No but," She put her hand up stopping me.

"So then why did you?" She asked with an analytic face. I'd seen this face many times.

"Ok so what do you think it means?"

She shook her head, "It doesn't matter what I think. What do you think? You did those things for a reason. What was it? You need to ask yourself that. We can talk about it at our session tomorrow ok?" I nodded.

We went to the room together and Linda and Dr. Webb were already there. Linda looked like she had more energy than the previous visits. She was still very quiet and sat with her hands on her lap, but her eyes looked deeper. It looked like she was returning, it looked even more like someone was in there. More so than the other times we had been together talking.

The session was easier than the first two. We talked a little about the Asshole coming to the house. Interestingly Linda didn't say anything when I referred to him as 'the Asshole'. One part of the conversation that surprised the group was about my attacking him with the skillet. As I described that I said, "I then knelt down next to him with the skillet and was ready to kill him when."

Dr. Webb cut me off, "What? You were going to kill Mr. LaValliere?" Linda had a shocked look on her face but didn't say anything.

His question sort of surprised me. I guess I forgot that I was the only one there. I somehow assumed everyone knew what had happened. "Well, yes. I was just about to swing the skillet down onto his head when the police came in the door and told me to 'freeze' or whatever."

"But you intended to kill Mr. LaValliere?" Dr. Webb asked again.

"Yes I did."

"Why?" Samantha asked. She and I had talked about this so this wasn't new to her.

"Because he destroyed my life, my marriage, my love for Linda. He hurt our daughter. I wanted to send him straight to hell by smashing his head in." After I said that I was a little shocked that the 'smash his head in' line came out of my mouth. Not that I hadn't thought it, just saying it out loud to other people is a little different.

I continued, "Doctor you know that I kicked him so much and so hard he lost both of his testicles and can no longer get an erection?"

Doctor Webb looked at me with a shocked expression. I looked at Linda and she actually had a small smile. Samantha was looking down at her notes.

"I, um, I didn't know that," Dr Webb responded. He then had a curious look on his face and looked at Linda. "Linda, what do you think about what Jim did to Mr. LaValliere?"

She perked up and sat up straight. You could tell she was thinking about what to say. She fidgeted with her hands and then started to talk, "Well, I understand why he did what he did. That man broke into our house so he got what he deserved because of that."

"What do you think about Jim almost killing him and his kicking Mr. LaValliere like he did?" The doctor followed up.

Linda looked uncomfortable for a moment and then began to answer, "I understand the rage, the anger towards him. I can relate to those feelings towards that man. I don't question Jim wanting to kill him or trying to destroy his manhood."

As I watched this play out it felt like there was something I didn't know. I couldn't put my finger on it but there was something about Linda's answer that made me wonder. I again got this feeling that there was more to everything than Linda was sharing.

We wrapped up the session and set one for the following week. Before we left the room I said to Dr. Webb, "I have a question that just came to me if I can ask it."

"Ok Jim what is it?" He replied with a surprised look.

I thought that my question may sound nuts but I felt compelled to ask it. I began timidly, "Well, it doesn't look like Linda has that many outfits here that," I paused because I was trying to think of how to politely say what I wanted to say. "Well, she's lost weight and so I was wondering if it would be possible for me to, well to take her shopping for some new outfits. If it's ok. I was just wondering if that is possible."

The looks I got from Samantha and Dr. Webb made me think that they thought my question was the stupidest fucking thing ever. They looked at each other and were quiet a second. I glanced at Linda and she had a little smile and was looking at Dr. Webb intently waiting for his answer.

"Well, there would be papers to fill out and everything given her condition and legal status." He answered. He seemed to be thinking of what to say as he spoke. "I, I can't think of a reason that you can't do that. Linda what do you."

She cut him off, "Yes I'd like to go shop if I'm allowed."

"Ok then, it's settled. I'll get the paperwork ready. When are you thinking of doing this?" He asked me.

"Is Friday too soon to have the papers ready?"

He shook his head, "No problem."

Friday came and I picked Linda up at eleven in the morning. As we walked out to the car it was like she had never been outside. She seemed so excited to get to go somewhere. It was both nice and heartbreaking to see her so happy from something so boring.

We went to lunch first at a little café. She studied the menu seemingly unable to choose what to get. I figured getting to decide what she wanted for a meal was now unusual for her since she didn't have any choice at the hospital. As I watched her, I thought it was cute how she looked and read all the items. I found myself looking at her warmly. If pressed I would probably have to describe the feeling in me as sympathy or compassion, but it was more than that.

She looked up. Maybe because she sensed me looking at her. She got startled she said, "Oh I'm sorry I'm taking forever to decide, I'll choose something quickly."

I responded instantly, "You take all the time you need to decide. We have all day. There's no rush." I smiled at her and she smiled back. She looked back down at the menu. I looked down as well so she wouldn't see the tears in my eyes.

After lunch we went to the mall. She found a nice dress at the first store we went to. She had to figure out what size she was now so that took trying on a few items first.

We were walking and I looked ahead and saw Linda's old friend Jane walking towards us. Linda hadn't seen Jane since that night so I was nervous about this. Jane came up to me and said, "Jim, Hi. How have you been?" I found it strange she talked to me first and not Linda.

I responded, "Getting along."

Linda then said, "Hi Jane."

Jane looked at Linda confused and said, "Hi, I'm sorry maybe we've met but I can't remember your name."