Fifteen to Life

This was the first time I had ever had to face the consequences of my actions and it sucked. I couldn't understand it, I only wanted my brother back and instead he was gone. My parents tried to explain it to me and finally suggested that I try therapy because they weren't getting through.

My first therapist found me morally repulsive and made no secret of it. My second therapist helped me to start understanding why what I did was wrong. She was a little more understanding and told me it wasn't my fault because I hadn't been taught any differently. I really objected to her blaming David for it because he never let me be accountable. That was who he was and that wasn't his fault. I still wasn't ready to accept responsibility for it but I sure as hell objected to my brother being blamed for it.

I finally clicked with the third one. She explained the concept of enabling, making me understand that what I did was wrong and everybody was responsible in their own way. What was important was that I now knew what I did was unacceptable, I shouldn't do that to people, and learn from the experience to be a better person. At least, that's what I took away from our sessions. She suggested I try apologizing to David by accepting responsibility for what happened. She made it clear that words weren't ever going to be enough, I would have to change my behavior and start being responsible for my actions and taking accountability for being a better person. I still couldn't get the courtesy of a read receipt from him. My calls all went to voicemail. I wrote letters, delivered by my parents. He never opened any of them in front of my parents so I had no idea if he ever read them.

As the years went by, he graduated, got a job with a national company, and then moved to the East Coast. Arizona was a promotion to management, three years later it was Denver via San Antonio and Shreveport. The only time I saw or spoke with him in the first ten years he was gone was when Mom had a heart attack almost nine years after my little escapade. He flew in from Oregon and I picked him up at the airport. He spoke exactly two words to me the entire time. They were "Hospital, please." After that, he avoided me like I had the plague.

As soon as we learned Mom would recover, he was gone. No goodbye, fuck you, eat shit and die, nothing. I apologized over and over in the car on the way to the hospital. I tried to make him understand I wasn't that person any more, I was trying to be a better me, and it was like he didn't hear me. I think I cried for a week when I found out he left without saying goodbye again. The therapist kindly explained that some people just take a while to forgive. She also pointed out that some people never forgive but I shouldn't dwell on that.

Shortly thereafter, I met Edward Brower. He was a financial analyst for an international banking corporation. At first, he reminded me so much of David in the way he looked and the way he treated me. It was kind of a whirlwind courtship, we were married fourteen months after our first date. I loved him, I'm sure of that. Even if he wasn't David.

I had met Leah in college after David left, we had become almost inseparable and that continued after college and into the real world. She had been my maid of honor at my wedding. She was also a girl I had kissed, felt up, fingered, and let her eat my pussy when we were desperate enough. I had promised I would return the favor someday. Another promise I didn't keep. She got along with Ed really well.

I had no idea where David was so I asked my parents to send him his wedding invitation. I didn't expect him to show at all. I would text him every holiday and on his birthday every year, never receiving any sort of response. So I almost peed myself when he showed up at the church just before the ceremony. Our meeting was short, too short.

"Hey, Meg. Congratulations on getting married." I almost fell over when I heard his voice behind me.

"David! Oh my God, thank you for coming. I missed --"

"I'm happy for you. I'm only going to stay for the ceremony, I need to get back by tomorrow. Don't tell Mom and Dad I was here until after the reception, please. I don't have time to stay and chat, I need to catch a flight back this afternoon."

I was confused. Why didn't he want to stay? I wanted to dance with him, hug him, talk to him, have him talk to me, and he was hauling ass out of here in less than two hours. "Yeah, sure, I can do that --"

"Thanks, Meg. Again, congratulations." Then he was gone. He was just inside the door at the very back of the church as I started my long walk down the aisle. I tried to sneak a look every so often but couldn't see him during the actual ceremony.

He was definitely gone by the time the minister announced "You may kiss the bride." My tears were not ones of happiness. Mom and Dad were pissed that he came but didn't stay. I guess his explanation to them was satisfactory, since they never brought it up again. I never found out what it was, either.

The first years of matrimony were kind to us, we both received promotions, we found a nice condo we could afford, and I thought life was good. Until Ed thought cornholing Leah in our bed was a good idea. At least after the wedding, David had started responding to my texts. The only ones he initiated were for my birthday and anniversary.

That was how I knew he was back in town, he mentioned it a couple of years ago wishing me a Happy Birthday. I didn't know where he lived or how long he would be here. I didn't push to see him, it was clear by this time that it would be on his timetable and not mine. He was communicating and that was enough.

##########

I drained the wine glass and he refilled it. "Yeah, right there in our bed. On my side, no less."

"Wow, that's fucked up. You didn't hit anybody, did you? Destroy anything? Make any overt threats to physically harm either one of them?" It seriously sounded like he'd done this before. His face was nearly expressionless, just a furrowed brow gave his anger away.

"No. I videoed it from just after I walked in to when I walked out, for CYA." I was already halfway through the second glass and it hadn't touched the table yet.

"Send me that video. I know a guy who will help you."

"Did you --" I could feel the wine start to loosen my tongue but felt powerless to stop it.

"No, somebody I know had something like this happen. Mike will spell out what he needs from you."

"Okay." I drained the rest of the glass and he refilled it yet again. There was a pain in my chest, not a physical pain like a heart attack, an emotional pain that kept growing. I was going to cry. I knew it and knew I wasn't going to be able to stop it. My hand started shaking uncontrollably and it took both hands to get the glass to my lips. I drained it in two big gulps.

The shaking crept up my arms, to my shoulders, and down my body to my legs. I swear that even my hair was shaking. The tears started streaming down my cheeks and I couldn't breathe. Without saying a word, David lifted me out of my chair and held me as I wrapped my arms around his neck, buried my face in his chest and cried every tear I had.

I have no idea how long I cried like that. David just held me, rubbing my back with his hand. His breath against the side of my head was comforting in a strange way, his arms like steel cables around me. Eventually, I did stop crying but I couldn't make myself let go. I felt his arms loosen around me and I hugged him tighter, I didn't want him to let me go or I would start crying again.

"Megan, I need to let go. Please." His voice was strained. He continued to pull away from me, his arms dropping to his sides while he tried to create physical distance between us.

I could feel the tears starting again. I wanted him to hold me, I needed him to hold me and tell me it would be okay. He poured another glass of wine for me but I barely touched it. I didn't need alcohol, I needed love and reassurance.

"I'm sorry. I keep saying I'm sorry but you don't believe me." I was buzzed from the wine and my words slurred a little bit as they came out.

"Not now, Meg. Please. Not now." He poured himself a double shot of bourbon from somewhere and drained the glass. "You're in no shape to talk about this now."

"When, David? When?" The tears started again. I felt numb, empty...alone. It sucked.

He poured and drained another double. It took him two tries to get the glass into the sink. "I don't know, Meg. I really don't know."

Taking my arm, he showed me to my room. Spartan, just like the rest of the apartment. The main bath was right across the hall. "I'm not a nudist so you're gonna need clothes around here. Sorry, that's the way it is." His attempt at humor fell kind of flat.

"If it's all right with you, I'm going to take a nap. Wake me for dinner?" I wasn't sure I was going to actually sleep but I could damn sure cry some more.

"Yeah, I can do that. Six good?" He looked relieved.

"That's fine." I closed the door behind me, got undressed down to my panties, and proceeded to cry my eyes out again into the pillow. When I woke up, it was dark. My phone said 8:22 pm. I got up, put my slacks and shirt back on, fuck the bra, and wandered out into the living room barefoot. I wasn't mad, I needed that sleep.

There were pizza boxes on the kitchen table, one was open and appeared to be half empty. He looked up from his computer and nodded, "Good, you're up. Another half hour or so and I was coming to get you. I tried at 6 like you asked, you said 'okay', but never came out." He waved his hand toward the kitchen, "I ordered your favorite pizza, you can reheat it if you want. It might still be warm enough for you to eat."

My head didn't hurt enough to keep my stomach from growling. I opened the second box and sure enough, it was sausage, beef and mushroom. I stuck three pieces in the microwave and nuked them briefly to warm them up and ate it gratefully. I figured out where he kept the cups and glasses and got a glass of water from the tap to drink.

"I know this sounds stupid, but I'm going to need to get some clothes so I can wash these. I don't want anything at all from the condo. Is it okay if I order some stuff and have it delivered?"

"Sure. Did you need a card or something?" His concern was back again, I wondered for how long this time.

"No, I have a separate account. He has no access to that. I can pull from there for what I need."

I connected my phone to the wifi, downloaded the app for the local supercenter, and ordered underwear and bras, along with a couple of packages of extra large t-shirts. I also ordered a new charger for my phone since I had left mine back at the condo. They would be delivered tomorrow morning by 10. I ordered some business casual clothes from Amazon, which would be delivered in a few days. Until then, I could work from home, just wearing what I had for video meetings only.

I emailed my boss and explained my situation in generic terms. I got the feeling she didn't like Ed anyway so she okayed working from home for the immediate future. We would revisit it when I knew more about the divorce timeline.

My last order of business was calling my parents. David just sat there, unmoving and silent, while I explained in PG13 fashion what happened. There was silence on the other end of the line when I told them where I was staying. After a few moments, Dad continued on like nothing had happened. Mom didn't say anything about it at all, just reminding me to eat and sleep. We disconnected shortly after that.

David's phone beeped and he checked his texts. I couldn't tell who it was from but judging by the amount of typing, it was one of our parents and probably Mom. There was another novel length text and David answered with just a few keystrokes. His snort as he tapped send was impossible to decipher.

I wasn't sure just exactly how I was going to get the laundry done the next morning. I was going to need to wash the new stuff before I could wear it and I needed to wash what I had on now. Nude laundry isn't what it's made out to be. Turns out, laundry wasn't going to be a problem, his apartment had its own washer and dryer set. When the underwear and charger arrived, I pulled one of the t-shirts out and put it on, stripped off the panties I had on underneath it and threw all of it into the washer. I plugged my phone in as it was down to 30 percent.

David came out just as the load of underwear and t-shirts went into the dryer. I hung the bras from the bar in the closet in my room so they could air dry. It felt like he was watching me but every time I tried to catch him doing it, he was looking at his phone or laptop.

For a guy pushing 40, he was in amazing shape. He had just the faintest touches of gray at his temples and his beard. Although his sweatpants and t-shirt were baggy, you could tell his muscles were well defined. His ass was simply awesome and judging from the action in the front when he walked, he was at least average.

At 36, all of the things that tended to sag were already starting to on me. I thought I still looked pretty good, though. I wasn't at my high school weight any more but I wasn't really that much heavier. I totally loved my boobs, I thought they were my best feature. Their size was proportionate to my frame, my nipples weren't freakishly large and their sag was still minimal. The rest of me, hopefully at least, was still attractive to somebody. My ass wasn't as round as I would have liked but it was a solid 7.

About 11, Ed started blowing up my phone. He filled my voicemail with messages and texted me constantly. I only listened to the first one, which was a rehash of his previous half-assed excuses and deleted all the rest. Then I blocked him. The texts were deleted unread. There was nothing he could say or do to fix things. When I was done with that, I blocked Leah preemptively. Her betrayal stung the worst.

David made lunch, which was eaten in silence. I didn't want to talk anyway. I went back and forth between sadness and anger like an insane pendulum. I did notice he kept watching me without making it obvious that he was.

When my new underwear were dry, I took a long shower, where I cried some more. I got dressed in a clean set of t-shirt and panties. The bras were still damp so I skipped putting one on. Of course, with moving around, the friction between nipples and fabric left them pointy and a bit sensitive. I tried getting myself off but my heart just wasn't in it at the moment.

David's eyes still followed me around, except when I made it obvious I could see him. He did some stuff on his computer all afternoon, when he wasn't watching me. At 5, he shut his laptop down and stood up.

"What would you like for dinner?" He was looking at me without actually looking at me. His eyes were focused somewhere on the wall behind me. I had been putting my folded underwear away and the friction between the nipples and the shirt had woken them up. They were very pointy and very obvious.

"I'm not really hungry." That much was true. I had a hard time eating lunch, it sat like a stone on my stomach.

"Meg, you need to eat."

"I know I do, I just don't want to." I morphed back to sadness. I much preferred being mad, I simply couldn't sustain it.

"Look, I don't care what you eat so long as you eat something. Anything. Name it." Holy shit, was he begging?

"David, please. I'm not hungry." I crossed my arms under my breasts and his eyes followed.

"Meg, I know how you feel --"

Our eyes locked. Tears I couldn't stop welled up and then spilled over. He did know how I felt. I did this to him fifteen years ago. I ran into my room and slammed the door. I fumbled with the lock until I heard it click. I threw myself face down on the bed, shoved my face into the pillow and cried.

The knob rattled and I heard David's muffled voice, "Megan, open the door." I got up, tears still streaming down my face, and unlocked the door. He opened it slowly and stuck his head in. "Can we talk?"

"Yeah, I guess so." I sat down on the bed and he sat next to me.

"I wasn't trying to make you feel bad. It's hard to express empathy and not sound judgmental for somebody's situation when they're the one who hurt you that way to begin with." He looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry if I made you feel bad. I really was trying to help."

"I feel guilty. I was young and dumb. It felt like you were pulling away from me and I wanted to keep you. What I did was evil. I didn't understand it then but I do now. I'm sorry. I understand why you can't forgive me. I guess it's only fair that somebody did it to me."

"No, Meg, it's not." He was still looking at the floor. "What I did wasn't right, either."

"I hurt you. I didn't know how much until now. I understand why you did what you did."

I wanted to cry when he looked up from the floor and into my eyes. I swore I could feel the pain in his eyes. "No, you don't."

"You were protecting yourself --"

"No." One simple syllable left me totally confused.

"Why then?"

David took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "For as long as I can remember, I thought of you as my girlfriend. Yes, you were my sister but there was nobody I wanted to spend time with more than you. I could pretend all I wanted because nothing would ever come of it. I thought it was harmless.

"As we got older, it only got worse. By the time you graduated from high school, I was having thoughts nobody should have about their sister. I met Marcy and she was enough like you that I thought I had found a way around it."

Another deep inhale and exhale, then he continued. "Every time we had sex, I was thinking of you. It finally got to the point where it wasn't working for me and you kept interfering whenever we tried to fuck. So we broke up."

"I'm sorry --"

"It's okay. We were over anyway. She wasn't enough like you for it to work long term. Pretending you were really my girlfriend wasn't working, either. Then I met Tina.

"She was so much like you, you could have been sisters. At first, I didn't think of you when we were having sex, I was with her. Then you caught us in the basement --"

I gasped involuntarily. I thought I had been undetected. "Oh, God."

"She begged me to cum in her. I could hear you playing with yourself and I couldn't stop thinking about how it would feel to fuck you like that. I tried to think about her but the only way I could stay hard was thinking of you. I came so hard when you did. Tina never heard you."

He searched my face with his eyes. "After that, when you became friends, I would still fantasize about you while fucking her. I was physically fucking her while thinking about making love to you. I finally figured out that you wanted me too but I didn't want you hurt. We couldn't be together, no matter how much we wanted it. It wasn't right. Mom and Dad wouldn't understand and it would kill them."

I reached over and held his hand with mine. He was telling me the things I had wanted to tell him for years. "I didn't know --"

"I knew it was just a matter of time before you found out how I felt and I was afraid you wouldn't understand why that couldn't happen. I convinced Mom and Dad that getting a place with Tina was the next logical step in our relationship."

I could only squeeze his hand for encouragement. "When we walked in and caught you, I knew it was over. I had to leave, go so far away that you would be safe from me --"

"I always felt safe --"

"No." The force behind that word made me jump. "If Mom and Dad hadn't --", his pause lasted a few seconds.

"What?"

"I would have --", David's face contorted as he searched for the words he wanted. "I would have raped you right there. I wasn't mad at you or her. I was mad because it should have been my face buried in your pussy, my tongue making you cum. You were mine. Mine. It scared me that I could feel like that. I love you and I was willing to hurt you, punish you to prove you were mine and mine alone." Tears started to form and roll down his cheeks.