Finding a Roommate Pt. 03

I was present enough on the journey to see it was a horrific drive for Maddy. A large stretch of motorway was closed and we had to divert through a different stretch of road that added another hour to our trip. Maddy was exhausted by the third hour and I had enough sense in me to know she was nervous about suggesting we break so I took the decision away from her and told her to pull in at the next stop. She grimaced at the harshness of my tone and indicated the car towards the exit. I felt immediately guilty but I couldn't bring myself to add any warmth to my voice.

We hadn't had dinner yet but the prospect of food made me sick to my stomach. I made Maddy order herself some food from the takeaway burger bar at the service station and she ate it looking guilty for taking time away from the drive. I squeezed her hand reassuringly, it was about the best I could manage at the moment.

We arrived at my parent's house, which was now just my Mum's house, at well after midnight. Maddy was absolutely exhausted, I could see it in her. I'm not sure what I must have looked like but if the pit in my stomach was anything to go by, it couldn't have been good. Most of the lights were on and when I unlocked the door, I found a couple of neighbours sitting with my Mum. They left us to our grief shortly afterwards as Maddy went to make us both a cup of tea.

I held my Mum until she stopped crying and went upstairs to try to sleep. We both knew she wouldn't sleep but she needed all the energy she could for the next few days. Maddy was sleeping soundly on the other sofa, looking peaceful. I took a blanket out of the cupboard and covered her before getting my laptop out of the overnight bag Maddy had packed and deciding to research funeral directors. There were multiple directors in the area, no doubt based on demand from the local, mostly older population. I felt my eyes finally start to close and managed to send off an email to my boss, letting him know what had happened and asking for compassionate leave.

I awoke the next morning slumped over the armchair, to the sound of Maddy's hushed voice in the kitchen, clearly having some kind of heated debate.

"No Sarah, I'm not working today, I'm not going to and you can fire me if you have to."

I walked in groggily but on alert based on Maddy's tone. She looked stressed. She saw me walk in and took a deep breath.

"Okay, thank you, I'm sorry for exploding, that's great, thank you."

She hung up and walked over to me, wrapping me in a hug that I melted into. "Is everything okay?" I asked, pulling away from her enough to look her in the eyes.

"It's fine, honestly please don't worry," she said and then added before I could protest further, "Sarah wasn't playing ball about me taking the next couple of days off on account of you being my roommate. So I told her the truth and told her she could fire me if she wanted to but I'm not going to work. She backed down and asked me to email her saying it was one of my cousins instead."

I nodded, smiling slightly at her, touched by her ultimatum. Our company weren't that severe but we both knew our roles would need to change if they found out we were together and it wouldn't make it sustainable to stay there if that happened. That was currently at the bottom of my list of worries, however.

My Mum walked in shortly after, Maddy & I moving apart quickly, aware that the last thing my Mum needed to see was a couple. Her eyes looked bloodshot and her skin pale. I busied myself brewing us both a coffee as Maddy excused herself to send the work email.

The first day of 'the new normal' as I called it in my head, passed uneventfully but extremely emotionally. We spent the day making calls, telling people he had passed and sorting out appointments. My Dad was older than my Mum and from what my Mum kept saying, was always aware of this likely eventuality. He had sizeable life insurance that was split between my Mum and I though we were going to spend a good amount of it on the funeral. He was a popular man and the invite list was large, including many of my childhood friends who had fond memories of him picking us up from weekend football matches.

I had messaged Jen and told her the news. She'd met my parents many times before they moved away and was close to them. It felt surreal to look at the phone and see Christmas well-wishes positioned against the news of my Father.

Maddy was such a rock, I was closer to breaking down in tears of appreciation for her more than I was crying for the loss of my own parent. Though I was certainly still in a state of shock and despite days of emotional things to do, it still hadn't sunk in. I kept looking up at the door whenever I heard the key in the lock but it was always Maddy, bringing us back food or going on some other errand.

The funeral was arranged for the following Tuesday at a local church. Neither of my parents were religious but we picked it for its beauty and its size. Maddy had spent most of Monday working in a coffee shop nearby. When she returned late afternoon, I saw the days were catching up with her as her eyes were bloodshot and she looked like she hadn't slept in days. I hugged her when she came back and she squeezed me firmly before excusing herself upstairs.

I slept soundly, the night before the funeral. Now it was here it felt like I could rest. In a bizarre way, I was annoyed with myself for managing to sleep the night before the funeral. How dare I?

My annoyance transferred onto the person closest to me and I spent the first few hours of the morning snapping at Maddy quite harshly. She took it without comment but I could see I was upsetting her. Minutes before the funeral cars would arrive, I was struggling to do my tie. Maddy walked over to help me.

"I can do it, Jesus leave me the fuck alone," I snapped.

Maddy looked at me like I'd slapped her and stopped in her tracks. I felt an overwhelming feeing of guilt to the point where I wanted to throw up. Her look sobered my emotions in the way nothing had managed over the last week and I stared at her in panic, worried I'd pushed away the person I needed the most.

I felt my emotions overwhelm me and burst through. Not now I thought, not with the cars on their way. But I couldn't stop myself. I felt my eyes burn with tears and collapsed onto the floor, leaning against my bed.

"I'm so sorry Maddy," I said, bringing my breathing under control.

She sat down next to me and put her hand on my back. "I'm glad you're back," she said reassuringly.

I smiled at her but at the same time, I felt like I'd failed her. Looking back, I'd barely spoken to her or checked in, I'd been snapping at her almost constantly and she had been walking on eggshells. I had been sleeping with my back to her the entire time we'd been here and I hadn't once thanked her for being here. I felt dreadful. My Mum had been saying all week that she was lucky to have found the love she had, and here I was treating the woman who was completely devoted to me, like crap.

I steadied my breathing and stood up, a new resolve inside me. Maddy stood up with me.

"Can you help me with my tie?" I pointedly asked.

Maddy smiled. "I love you," she said.

***

The funeral itself was a blur. I know a lot of people came over to us to pay their respects but I couldn't take in who or what. It was all the same and all a blur. I spent my energy focusing on getting through it and supporting my Mum to do the same. She cried as he was buried. I looked around at the trees, the birds and the noise in the air, saving it all to memory, knowing my Mum would be a frequent visitor here.

Maddy hadn't left my side for pretty much the entire time. When she sensed I was feeling overwhelmed, she took my hand and squeezed it. She stood by my Mum whenever I went to the bathroom and sat beside her when I read at his service.

After the funeral at the pub we'd rented out, I started to spend time talking to the people who had joined. My childhood friends, James and the rest, were in a corner. My Mum's cousins and partners in another. Some kids were running around stealing sweets and sandwiches. My Mum was playing the grateful host, walking around and thanking everyone for attending. I felt I had better do the same, walking around to the people that were here for me. I spoke to my friends with Maddy for a spell and turning around to move on to others, I noticed a pretty brunette on her own standing by the bar drinking a cider. Jen.

I walked over to her and she saw me coming, Maddy just behind me.

"I'm sorry Ace," she said, hugging me. It was a nickname she used to call me sometimes.

"Thanks for coming Jen," I said honestly. "Maddy, Jen. Jen, Maddy."

They shook hands and yet again, full credit to Maddy, she moved to the woman standing on her own and struck up a conversation. She smiled at me as if to say 'don't worry about it' and turned back to Jen. I went to the bar and ordered a shot. The whiskey burned my throat but it was what I needed.

"Need a drinking buddy?" I heard a voice behind me. It was Jane. Her black hair was in a bun and she wore a skirt and white shirt.

"Hey," I said. "Where's Mark?" I asked, aware her and I had never really spoken to eachother much 1:1 before. She nodded her head towards the other corner of the room. Mark had his back to us, playing on the gambling machines.

"Ah no," I sighed, immediately worried. Mark was a recovering gambling addict, though it was extremely low-key and only his very close friends and Jane knew, not even family.

"Yep," she said simply. "I told him I'd break up with him if he started up again so here we are. I'm going to get him into rehab and let him know I'm done."

Some might have considered it harsh but I knew what Jane had to sell to clear his debts and knew she didn't have anything left.

"I'll talk to him," I said firmly.

"Don't bother Adam, I moved the cash out of our joint account already. I'm already ahead of him."

I ordered her a shot and while the barmaid was still pouring it, ordered two more.

"To shit circumstance," I said, raising the shot glass to toast. Jane drunk both in quick succession and then ordered a glass of white wine which she took over to Maddy and Jen, joining their conversation.

James walked over with a grin. He was always one for cracking the jokes and often I was dreading what he'd come out with in certain situations but today I needed a joke, even a bad one.

"So your ex girlfriend and your current girlfriend are getting to know eachother. Who wins when there's a throwdown?" James said with a grin.

"You tell me," I countered.

"Oh Maddy, mate. Hands down. That girl would kill for you." I smiled as I looked over at her. She could sense me looking and glanced my way, brushing her hair behind her ear and smiling, even as she focused on Jen and Jane.

"You better not piss me off too much then," I joked.

James and I shared a drink and reflected on memories of my Dad until I drained my glass and felt the first signs of an appetite. I made my way over to the buffet table to pick through what remained of the food.

"I've saved you a plate," I heard from behind me. Maddy had walked over to see me and drew one of the barmaid's attention with a grateful smile. I drew her into me, so grateful to have her. The barmaid came back a few minutes later and brought a couple of plates out from the back, freshly microwaved. "I thought you could try and get Susan to eat too."

"I don't know what I'd do without you Maddy, you're stuck with me for life." I said in complete seriousness.

She gave me a look in return that I couldn't place and changed the subject quickly. I tried not to look into it too much but a flash of panic ran through my mind that I'd blown it and Maddy was simply waiting for the right time to finish with me, like Jane was with Mark.

We walked over to my Mum with the plates in hand and her friends seemed to melt away, as did Maddy. I put the plates down between us and handed my Mum a fork. She took it with a pained smile and started to pick at it.

"Good turn out," she said conversationally.

"Dad would have been pleased," I said with a smile, looking around at his friends who were quite far into their beers and were celebrating his life joyfully.

"He'd have been most pleased about the buffet being eaten," my Mum replied, with a true smile. I returned her smile, we were very alike in that way, my Dad and I.

"How are you doing Mum, honestly?" I asked. I knew she could be honest with me in a way she hadn't been with others.

She thought for a moment, cutting up a sausage. "I'm doing better than I thought.. Your Father was always prepared for this to happen and in a way, it meant I was too. It's just going to be hard not seeing him around. Its helped seeing you with Maddy. I haven't had to worry about you as much."

I smiled, glad she was doing okay. "They say it gets easier." My Mum looked sceptical at that and seemed keen not to think on it for too long so I changed conversation to the other topic she raised. "I'm not sure Maddy and I are okay," I admitted, seeking her advice. She peered over, surprised but didn't interrupt. "I haven't treated her well over the last week and now whenever I bring up our future, she doesn't talk about it. It's as though something's changed and I've realised it too late."

My Mum took my hand and gave it a squeeze. "You're worrying over nothing dear, you both are made for eachother. But if you are really worried, fix it before she goes on Thursday."

I nodded, not keen to discuss it much more but with plenty to think about. Maddy was travelling back home alone in a couple of days and I was joining her at extra cost a few days later so I could spend a bit longer with my Mum. Jet-lag aside, I would have a good 7 days there.

The guests slowly thinned out into the evening. Most of my friends and some of Dad's friends remained by the time my Mum called it a day and went home. I offered to join her but she was having none of it. I caught up with Jen a bit more and found out she was now a director at a national charity, cutting her travelling short. She seemed to be in a good place and I was happy for her.

I gave up on my attempts to stay behind with the guests, Maddy and I leaving the last few stragglers behind and walking home. Maddy took my hand for the walk but it felt distant. I told myself that it was nonsense and not something to be gleamed from holding someone's hand but I couldn't shake the feeling.

***

Any plans I'd had to fix our issues the next day were derailed by me forgetting it was a Wednesday and Maddy needed to work on her handover after spending the better part of the last week doing very little work and asking her work colleagues to pick up the slack. Adding the fact that she was on holiday again from the very next day and it was the most stressed I'd ever seen her at work, including when she was dealing with the media for my projects.

We left her to it in the early afternoon, going to see Dad's grave for the first time. It was painful but comforting, for both of us. At that moment I was truly glad they'd moved out here. The grave was just a short walk away from the house, the beach back down the other way and the community was full of life and activity for my Mum's age group along with the friends she already had here. She'd be okay.

We came back later in the day after going for a late lunch and I made my way up to the spare room, which Maddy was using as a base. I put my ear to the door to check if she was on a call and hearing nothing, I knocked briefly and opened the door. I caught her chucking a bunch of tissues in the bin. She'd been crying. Something really wasn't right.

"Are you okay?" I asked with worry.

"I'm fine, don't worry," Maddy replied mechanically, with a wide smile.

"Maddy, something's going on, please talk to me."

"Adam," she said, her tone telling me she was not up for talking. "I've got a lot to do, can we just not right now?"

I offered to make her a cup of tea which she declined and then made my way downstairs. For something to do, I ended up checking my work emails on my phone. It didn't look like I had missed a crisis while I was on leave.

Maddy came down a few hours later having just finished work, by which point I'd abandoned any hopes of going for dinner with her and suggested a pizza so she could finish packing. We made general conversation with my Mum while we watched tv in the background. It was late by the time Maddy finished packing and I was dropping her to an inner-city station in the morning so she could get an early train to the airport. The train journey, going back to where we lived and beyond, would take the best part of 6 hours.

Maddy jumped up quickly at the sound of her alarm and I was awake too after a mostly sleepless night. She packed the last of her stuff and hugged my Mum goodbye and thanked her for the hospitality. "No, thank you, for everything," my Mum said in response.

We left in plenty of time as I'd suggested working up an appetite on the road before Maddy spent too many hours starving on a train. We sat in silence for the first part of the drive but when we saw the first sign come up on the motorway indicating the city wasn't too far away, I asked Maddy if there was anything she wanted to talk about.

She sighed before responding. "Yes, but I can't talk about it while you're driving so can you pull in somewhere for us to eat?"

I found a service station a few miles down the road and parked up at a coffee hub. We both ordered a coffee and croissant, my nerves killing my appetite and seemingly it was the same for Maddy. We sat down opposite eachother and had a sip of coffee. Maddy started to fidget with the zip of her hoodie while I waited for her to speak.

I'd almost run out of patience when she finally spoke. "I got the results of my scan back, the day before the funeral."

It took me a moment to comprehend what she as walking about and then it hit me like a bag of bricks. I could feel the colour draining away. The scan before Christmas, the one I'd forgotten about.

I took her hand in mine. "I'm sorry Maddy, with everything that's happened in the last few weeks I just forgot all about it."

She squeezed my hand but couldn't speak, her mouth had gone dry. She sipped her coffee and continued. "It was okay at first when you were... focused on other things. I could just deal with it myself. But now you're a bit more present, I'm struggling Adam."

"What did the results say Maddy?" I asked, a range of thoughts going through my head.

Maddy pulled her hand away and played with her coffee cup intently before answering. "I can't have children," she said.

It was the answer I was most expecting out of all of the possibilities but it still hit me hard. My heart broke for her. We hadn't discussed children but there was this unspoken view that we both wanted to get married to eachother in the not too distant future and children would probably follow.

"Okay," I said, "but this changes nothing for me Maddy."

A flash of anger appeared on her face. "Don't downplay it Adam, this is serious. I can never have kids Adam. If in the future we get married and you want kids and I want kids, I can't give us that. If we continue to stay together, I'm going to need to stay on contraception for as long as I'm fertile or else I'll miscarry. My Mum cried when I told her, she couldn't even hold it back."

My heart broke, not for me but for her. Maddy looked broken. I had no idea how she kept it together over the last few days. I took the time to choose my words and held my hand close to her, hoping she'd take it. She did, nervously.

"I'm so sorry Maddy. You don't deserve this, we don't deserve this. But I say again, this changes nothing for me. You mean everything to me and nothing will change that," I said adamantly. "If you want to take some time in Australia to figure it out before I arrive or infact if you decide you don't want me to arrive, just let me know before I get to the airport."