Finding a Roommate Pt. 04

"I'm so sorry Maddy. You don't deserve this, we don't deserve this. But I say again, this changes nothing for me. You mean everything to me and nothing will change that," I said adamantly. "If you want to take some time in Australia to figure it out before I arrive or infact if you decide you don't want me to arrive, just let me know before I get to the airport."

Maddy nodded.

***

The days after I dropped Maddy to the airport crawled by. She landed safely and sent me a picture of her beaming face in the Melbourne sun which brought a smile to my face. I sent one back of me with a view out of the rainy window.

I was due to head out in a few days time, going back home first to undertake a massive amount of packing and also to sort the house out after it had been empty for over a week. I spent the day I dropped Maddy off getting on with work. I signed in, cleared emails and worked on a handover for another project manager. Taking a shorter trip actually made things easier as there was less to miss at work and I was technically working on a day I should have been flying.

I handed over my work thoroughly, meaning that I could go away without leaving my team in the lurch. I received a few apologetic messages for my loss, thanking them for their thoughts in a generic way. Of course, whether I was actually flying was still to be confirmed. Maddy and I had taken the drive from the coffee shop, back to the train station, in silence. Maddy sat quietly crying though squeezing my hand every so often, whenever I had stopped the car at a traffic light or was cruising. Honestly, I didn't know where we'd end up. I felt like this news had broken a spell for her and that worried me massively.

The evening before I was due to leave for home, I took my Mum for dinner at a Thai place. She'd spent the last day or so reassuring me that she'd be fine and in turn, I spent the time reassuring her that Maddy & I would indeed be fine so she had one less thing to worry about. We talked generally about what she was going to do for the next few months. It mostly involved keeping herself busy, joining various clubs and volunteering which sounded sensible to me. I made a mental note to make sure I checked up on her more often and visited her more - especially across the winter months.

I packed up my limited stuff when we got back to my Mum's and spent a restless evening and then night wondering if I was wasting my time packing tomorrow. Nobody really liked January but I knew I'd spend my future looking at that particular month as a bad one every year from then on. It was well passed 3am when I heard my phone vibrate on the bedside table. I hadn't heard from Maddy barely at all for the whole day, partly due to the time difference, but I knew immediately it was her. I picked up the phone and took a breath. The preview of the first line was enough to worry me before I opened the full message.

Maddy: I'm messaging you while you sleep because it will be easier for me to write this out without interruption.

I waited for the next message to come through with a mixture of hope and fear. It took a few minutes before it appeared on my screen.

Maddy: I wish you were here. I want you here. Its been amazing seeing everyone but it hasn't felt like I imagined it would, because you're not here. I haven't been able to introduce them to my amazing boyfriend.

Maddy: I'm struggling to write this out but I need you to know it. I'm glad I'm messaging you at the dead of night.

I was trying to stop myself from being too impatient about her slow messaging because I sensed hope in the messages. I also sensed a 'but' was coming though. I decided to try and scroll through social media to distract me while I waited for the next message.

Maddy: I spent most of the flight trying to talk myself into breaking up with you. I hate that I've said that, but it's true. The people around me must have felt like I was mad, spending the flight scribbling out what to say out on a notepad and crying every so often. I wanted to take the decision away from you because I'm scared that you'll eventually break up with me because of this anyway.

I was really tempted to start writing out a reply but used all of my willpower to hold off. She had messaged me at this time of night for a reason and I needed to let this play out or I could have made it worse.

Maddy: It's hard, even for a PR person to write out a good break up message if you don't believe in it. I can't break up with you, I just can't. I love you too much and I want to spend my life with you, even if it's now going to be a different one to what I started to dream about.

Maddy: When I told Mum and Katie what I'd spent the plane journey trying to do, they said I was crazy to even think about breaking up with you and that it was a cowards decision. I hate to admit it but they're right. I'd be doing it simply to take the decision away from you, which isn't right.

Maddy: So I want you here and I want to go back home with you, where I belong.

Maddy: Let me know how you feel when you can. I love you xx

I spent a couple or minutes processing her messages and thinking over what to say. There was no way I was going to sleep after those messages so I decided to give it 15 minutes incase any other messages came through before I constructed a reply.

Adam: Thank you for being honest with me. I can't believe you are/were considering breaking up with me. You're trying to save a ridiculously small chance of potential pain later by making definite pain now. I'm never going to give up on you or us.

Maddy replied almost immediately after my message.

Maddy: Shit, you're awake. That must have been hard reading at 3am.

Adam: Ha yes it was, but again, I appreciate you being honest. You're not a coward, just trying to handle something you should never have had to handle.

Maddy: I'm not considering breaking up with you anymore, that's what I mean. I can't do it. And yes, it's not rational to weigh those two things together but the pain I'd feel if you broke up with me in a few years would far outweigh the pain now. I just wanted to go nuclear because I panicked.

Adam: In terms of how I feel: I feel the same. Nothing's changed for me and nothing will. You're stuck with me for life. There are other ways to have children in our lives, if we want them.

We were talking at crosswires now so I paused.

Maddy: I love you, Adam.

Adam: I love you too. Now go and enjoy the sun, I'll be there in about 65 days, I mean 2 days. It just feels that long.

Maddy: Wait until you experience the flight...

I groaned, I wasn't looking forward to the flight. For my first flight out of Europe, I couldn't have picked a further journey. Worse now I was doing it alone.

Still, not even the journey could kill my mood now we'd cleared the air somewhat. I managed to get some sleep, waking up later than I planned, well after 10 but feeling a lot more refreshed. I checked my phone and found a ton of messages from Maddy, general updates about her day and then two pictures. One of her naked infront of the mirror, already tanning and another with short jean shorts and a white cotton shirt. I was instantly hard even if I wasn't emotionally settled. God I missed her.

Adam: You seem busy! Hope you've gone out in the second outfit not the first!

Maddy had replied by the time I got up, changed and brushed my teeth.

Maddy: I feel so good now we've spoken. The first 'outfit' is just for your eyes. and you can see it the second we get back to the hotel, this bed is no fun without you.

I could see where Maddy was trying to take the conversation but I wasn't quite in that headspace just yet. She'd clearly spent hours feeling better about things but I was hours behind her in that regard.

Adam: I'll be there soon enough. I need to get going with my day soon so I can get back home and see if our place is still standing! Is there anything you forgot to take?

It turned out there was a list of stuff that I needed to add to the notepad I had used the night before. I got up, got dressed and pulled together all of the stuff that had spread across the room over the last few days.

My Mum was moving around downstairs and was quick to reheat the sausages she had cooked that morning, at my original alarm. She was smiling when I made it to the kitchen and flicked the kettle on.

"What?" I asked, deeply confused.

"You're leaving today," she said, as though it was obvious. "After today, we can all begin to move on," she added simply and with a hint of relief.

"And you're okay with that?" I asked, checking.

She nodded firmly. "I want you to live your life Adam."

I walked over and hugged her, holding her close. She went to the oven dabbing her eyes and I fixed myself coffee, taking longer than necessary.

By lunchtime I had packed my car and was aiming to make it home before the evening rush hour. My Mum waited by the car ready to see me off. We hugged tightly and I promised to message her when I landed as well as during the holiday, ignoring her persistent downplaying of the need to do so.

Our flat was in good shape when I made it back, dragging my case in after collecting the scattering of letters by the door. I was greeted by an advance notice of a rent increase, among other things. I sent a picture of the increase to Maddy for her to see when she woke up. It was another reason in my eyes, to revisit the moving home discussion.

I spent all of the afternoon preparing for the flight and packing my clothes, feeling a mixture of apprehension and excitement. It felt worse to be going out there when Maddy was already there, having to reconnect with her alongside meeting all of her friends and family... after a ridiculously long flight.

I arrived at the airport early and had a couple of beers after check in to steady my nerves and then some food to settle my blood alcohol level. When the flight was finally called, I was one of the first on, eager to just get on the plane and get it over with. Maddy wasn't wrong about the plane ride, it dragged by, not helped by a stop in Singapore which ordinarily I'd be fascinated by but at that point it felt like an unnecessary delay. I'd interchanged between sleeping, watching new movie releases, eating, drinking, sobering up and drinking again. For the first time, I released just how soothing a presence Maddy was to me generally, going as far back as stopping me spinning out after my breakup, long before we even got together.

The descent into Australia was worth the whole day that came before it. Not just because I was nearly with Maddy again but because the sight that struck me out of the cabin window was one of pure amazement, looking at an area of land that felt so alien and picturesque to me. We touched down with a hard bump and I gave myself a little imaginary pat on the back at making the flight without travel sickness. We landed and disembarked but in contrast to boarding, I was one of the last off, my nerves now returning. Beyond just the awkwardness of the situations across the last few weeks, Maddy was just the most beautiful woman in the world to me and seeing her again had me feeling butterflies.

After a long queue through passport control and baggage collection, the aircon doing little to acclimatise me to the warm Australian air, I saw her through the exit doors waiting patiently for me, chewing her nails. She demonstrated the nerves that I felt and again, I felt myself wondering how and why this incredible person felt for me the way she did.

When I made it through the double doors, shielded by the crowd, I made it to her at a distance of 5 feet away before she saw me. She had on a white vest top and tan shorts, her legs, arms and face already bronzing magnificently. Her hair was up in a bun, hidden behind the sunglasses resting behind her head. Her face came to life when she saw me, moving under the flimsy taped barriers that channeled new arrives down to a wider greeting area. She ran the short distance towards us and flung herself around me, planting my cheek with kisses and then pulling back to look at me with wet eyes.

"Shut up," she said, before I could even tease her with a joke. She knew me so well.

She kissed me passionately and for as long as she could reasonably justify, on the concourse. I didn't push her away, it was reinvigorating after the flight and the last few weeks. It wasn't long enough in my opinion, before she pulled away, taking my hand and walking with me towards the short-stay car park.

"Are you hungry?" Maddy asked.

I nodded and she pulled me towards a sandwich shop, wasting little time in picking up a random sandwich and a drink, taking it to the checkout. I laughed - Maddy had little patience for unplanned activity when she had a destination in mind. We heaved the suitcase into the boot first of all, her groaning at the weight of the suitcase and then falling silent as I listed out some of the extra things she'd asked me to pack, from memory. She let me open up the sandwich when I was safely in her sister's car which she had borrowed to pick me up.

"Adam,"she said, letting in hang there.

I looked towards her, midway through the second bite of my sandwich.

"Mm?" I said through a large amount of bread.

"I don't even know what to say," she said, not moving from the parking space and just looking at me hard. "I'm never going to let that happen again," she said.

I swallowed, "Neither am I," I said, referencing the way I'd been before the funeral.

She squeezed my hand and then moved hers over to the gears to get the car going. I doubted that would be the last time we'd talk about it but even if so, the first obstacles felt overcome.

I finished my sandwich and got my phone out, letting it load up to Australian settings and carriers before shooting my Mum a text letting her know I had landed fine. Maddy had directed the car onto a motorway and was racing around the city at speed.

"Our house is on the other side of the city," she said.

It was almost an hour until she moved off the highway and started moving down more domestic roads. She looked over at me and flashed a smile while we waited for a traffic light to turn green.

"I love you," she said.

I could feel Maddy's excitement and relief that I was here and I realised I was an equally soothing presence for her. I took her hand while it sat on the gearstick and ran my fingers along hers. It wasn't deliberate but before I knew it, I was feeling up and down her ring finger. I didn't stop, even after I recognised what I was doing. I didn't want her thinking I'd realised it and then pulled away immediately, so I kept my hand there.

"Shit proposal," she remarked conversationally.

Maddy had a way about her that could bring laughter to even the most awkward moments and she did it there.

"I wasn't even taking notice," I admitted while still laughing.

She grinned at me and kept driving, slowing down and turning into a side street that was one-way and had a row of houses lined along each side.

"Is this Ramsay Street?" I joked, referencing the Australian soap.

"Ramsay Street wishes it was this street," Maddy replied coolly, behind her sunglasses.

We pulled up outside a large cream building that looked to have had an extension added to the side, easily bigger than most of the other houses along the street. Maddy parked up outside the small fence, mainly because there was a big construction van as well as a pickup truck parked outside the drive. Maddy's Dad was a successful builder who was running his own business. No doubt he was responsible for the extension as well as the packed driveway.

"I look forward to getting back to the hotel later," Maddy said, kissing me on the cheek and unbuckling her seatbelt. "I hope the tyres don't pop with that heavy suitcase in the back."

I looked at her, mock-offended. "It's mostly your stuff, you should be carrying it anyway!"

She laughed and slapped my thigh, kissing me on the lips this time before getting out. I met her around the other side and took her extended hand.

"Nervous about bringing a guy home?" I joked, referencing Katie's messages from weeks earlier.

"Massively," Maddy deadpanned in response. "If you fuck this up, I'm done with men."

I laughed and walked across the well maintained lawn, waiting for Maddy to dig out the key as I looked around the pristine neighbourhood. Maddy had certainly taken a big gamble, leaving this life behind.

Maddy stuck her head through the door and while I hoped for a second's respite, she didn't let me have it and instead shouted loudly, "Mum, Dad, we're back."

Maddy's Mum appeared out of a room midway down the house to the left. She was shorter than Maddy with blonde hair that was starting to grey. She had the same nose and cheekbones. If you'd taken a picture of both of them and compared that area, it would be hard to see the difference. She smiled warmly when she saw me and walked over with her arms wide.

"Hi Denise," I said warmly, "It's so good to meet you in person."

She said a hurried 'good to meet you too' before pulling me into a warm hug and holding onto me for a while, rubbing my back soothingly. I patted her back awkwardly with a sideways glance at Maddy who was trying not to laugh. If felt quite weird that she was clearly trying to soothe me about either my Father's death or Maddy's news, or both but it felt like I was the one doing the soothing.

Eventually we broke apart and Maddy got to have me back again as we walked down the hall into a large living and dining room with wide open doors that backed onto a spacious garden. I spotted a ginger kitten sleeping on the top of a cushioned armchair as Maddy led me out to meet the rest of her family in person.

John had thinning hair and a slightly rounded belly, as though he ate well and exercised well but had lost the fine balance between the two. He had a cheery face and some stubble which seemed to be more from tiredness than preference. He shook my hand and I felt the roughness of his before he went back to the smoking BBQ. No doubt he was judging my smooth hands as he flipped the burgers, not toughened from a life of manual labour.

Katie had darker hair, mirroring her father. She wore glasses and had a bright smile. She too kept her hair long and it shined in the sun. She wasn't as tall as Maddy but had a similar frame with long legs and a thin body, though less blessed in the chest area than Maddy. She greeted me with a teasing smile that I saw in Maddy so often and walked over to shake my hand.

"Ah, Maddy's great love arrives!" She declared.

I laughed and shook her hand warmly back. I turned around, looking over my shoulder, "Where?" I said, confused.

Maddy laughed loudly and Katie smiled politely before scowling at Maddy. "That joke was horrific but you're laughing like a teenage girl. Dad, do you remember when she used to be cool?"

John laughed but didn't say anything further after noticing Maddy's red cheeks. I decided to get in on the act a little.

"You know," I said thoughtfully, pausing briefly to thank Maddy as she pushed a cold coke into my hand, "when I first saw her, I thought she was so cool. Like one of those cool kids everyone gravitates around at school?"

Katie nodded. "And now look at her."

"I still think she's really cool," looking Maddy over and smiling brightly.

"Ah," said Katie with a chuckle, everything falling into place. "So you've learnt your sappiness from him?"

She laughed and then pushed her sister playfully on the arm as Maddy rolled her eyes. "I don't even care," Maddy said, leaning over to kiss my cheek.