Finding Myself Pt. 01

He gave me his cheeky grin. "Maybe I'll take you up on that one day."

"You wouldn't be jealous?"

"Never know till you try, but I don't think so. I've been brought up in a house where sex is cheap, not treated as some great, ultimate demonstration of love. So, I see love as something far more. It's about connection. I couldn't have had such intense orgasms if I didn't love you, and I like to think you couldn't either. What mum and dad say about it all being natural makes sense - but just because it's natural doesn't make it cheap. Even animals work for it with their mating rituals and displays. Yet mum and dad seem to think everyone should just hand out free fucks."

What he said made sense. It was a philosophy I had pretty much espoused myself, though I had never really verbalised it or acknowledged it. It was not the overall idea which caught my attention though.

"You love me?"

"Yes." He replied. "I love you. I don't imagine ever loving anyone else. I want to be with you forever."

"And I love you. When we're able to leave our families, I want us to be together and never be apart."

Both of us spoke in simple sentences, declaring undying love, agreeing that it transcended sex. We also agreed never to have sex behind one another's backs, and only ever to have sex when we were together - except, of course, when enjoying our solitary pleasures - and even then, we would think of each other and even look at pictures of us together.

To celebrate, we took a selfie, setting the camera on a timer and lying together naked, kissing. A picture I would have happily shared with the world.

The party seemed to have graduated to the bedrooms, and I was glad I had barricaded the door. I heard doors open and close, and whispers and giggles.

"I'd better go," whispered Josh reluctantly, "or one of that lot are going to take over my room and get god knows what stains all over my sheets. Mum won't be in any state to wash them tomorrow. I'll barricade my door too. Wish you had laptop, then we could facetime. We'll do that a lot when I'm back at Uni."

I almost begged him to stay, but knew he was right. The secrecy of our relationship needed to be maintained. If my aunt and uncle found out, they would be unbearable - so would Debbie. Once I was back home, we could tell the world.

I heard Josh go to his room, raising his voice at people who had been trying to use his bed, slamming the door and dragging something across it. I was happy. I had learned so much about myself - about my body, my attitudes and beliefs. My desires. I was on a helter-skelter, white-knuckle journey of self-discovery - and loving every second.

I awoke when my alarm went off at ten o'clock. We were meeting Chris and Connie at eleven, so I showered quickly, dressed in my bikini (not the small one - my original one), shorts and a t-shirt.

As I went to get breakfast, I noticed that my sister's door was open. I couldn't resist looking in. She lay on the bed, naked, legs flopping apart, one hand touching her vagina gently. On one side of her was the man who had been ogling her, and a skinny, flat-chested woman, who looked about the same age as my aunt. All three were fast asleep.

I could hardly believe that Debbie would have found these people attractive under any normal circumstances. She had sex with them because they were there, and no other reason - because they wanted her, and her fragile self-esteem made it impossible to refuse. As I looked, she opened her eyes - bleary and dull from alcohol and lack of sleep.

"Fuck off," she mouthed at me. So I did.

Josh was up when I got to the kitchen - a hideous mess after the party - and he kissed me, before preparing a light breakfast.

"Have you got both bikinis?" He asked. "You'll need them. We'll definitely be swimming, and it's best to change after - sun-dried seawater tends to chafe."

I set off back to my room and grabbed a towel and the other bikini. I considered a swimsuit, but dismissed the idea. Chris had said 'bikini', and if he was happy for Chris and Connie to see me in my tiny outfit, so was I.

We strolled to the beach, and met our friends. Chris and Josh could almost have been brothers. Josh was more muscular, and his eyes sparkled more when he looked at me - while Chris had lighter hair and paler skin, but there look was definitely similar.

Connie was shorter than me, and less toned. My breasts were not large, but hers were certainly smaller. My complexion was much darker. In fact, we were quite a big contrast. Still, however, I was drawn to her. She was relaxed and likeable, with an easy manner.

As we walked barefoot across the sand, Josh and I told them about the party. They winced at some of the details, but I was pleased that Josh did not indulge in body-shaming of those present. He chose his words carefully to provide descriptions of those who were not attractive to us, yet never made disparaging or derogatory remarks. It was a feature of him which I liked.

After a while walking, we found a spot away from the families and prying eyes of single men, only there to perve at the women in bikinis. There were a few couples and groups similar to our own nearby, but everyone else was too far away to pay attention to us.

We all stripped to our swimming costumes and settled down, sunbathing and chatting. After a while, the men grabbed a frisbee and found a space to play. Connie and I were less easily bored with our relaxation and began to chat.

"Think we put them in their place last night," she chuckled. "Chris could hardly walk straight when we left."

I giggled. "Josh was the same. I don't think either of them wanted people to see how hard they were."

"I think Chris stayed hard all the way home. He was certainly very frisky when we got back. If you know what I mean."

I could guess.

"We had that party to deal with, but we got together once we'd got away."

"Weren't you even tempted to join the party? Chris and I talked about swinging, and we didn't have a problem with it, but we'd rather know the people a bit more, and feel a real attraction to them, than just take potluck and make do with whatever turns up."

I nodded. "We talked about it after. Honestly, no-one there was attractive to me, and I wouldn't have been interested. We said pretty much what you did. When I saw my sister this morning with a man and a woman who I know wouldn't normally interest her, I just thought there was no way. We said, whatever we do, we do it together, and only if we both agree."

Connie agreed. Apparently she and Chris hadn't made any 'rules', as such, but this seemed a good fit to her. She also opined that it was good for us to have rules, especially as Josh's parents were so open about all things sexual, and swinging was so easily available for him. 'Close to home', as she put it. They had, in fact, assumed Josh was part of 'the lifestyle' when they first visited his home, and his parents were so open about everything, and it was a few weeks before he corrected them.

She sat up, and with her small breasts, it was almost inevitable that her bikini top gaped. I found myself gazing at her exposed nipple, and stopped myself just in time as she looked at me.

"There was a woman with your sister?" She asked. "Did you know she's bi?"

I shook my head, momentarily embarrassed, and wondered where she was heading with this.

"I'm bi," she admitted suddenly, "not that I've done much about it. Chris knows. I s'pose it's like anything. It's fine to be attracted, but that doesn't mean you have to act on it. My best friend and I used to play together, and we got curious, and went a bit beyond playing. It was fun. How about you?"

I was uncertain at first, but decided that, as she was being so open, I should be as well.

"I'm not sure. My friend and I talk a lot about sex, and we've seen each other naked - swimming, sport, that kind of thing, but nothing more. We watched porn together and wrote some sexy stories, but that's it. I suppose I'm bi-curious. Josh and I discussed it last night. What happened with you and your friend?"

She looked into the distance, sadly.

"To me, it was just fun, and I thought it was to her. It only happened two or three times, but she thought we were in a relationship beyond being friends. I met Chris and wanted to be faithful to him. When I told her, she was distraught. Accused me of leading her on and dumping her. I apologised to her, but she told me to fuck off. I haven't spoken to her since, and if she sees me, she turns round and walks off. It's a shame. We were good friends.

"Still. I love Chris. What I've got now is right for me."

We sat in silence for a while, until she sighed and began getting out Tupperware boxes and packets - and a couple of bottles - to set up a wonderful picnic which she and Chris had put together. Every so often, I caught a glimpse of her nipple, and each time, I wondered how it would feel to touch it, squeeze it, kiss it.

When all was prepared, she shouted the men and they dashed over, eager to tuck into the feast.

For the next half hour, we ate and joked, occasionally wrestling with our partners and kissing before remembering we were in company and returning to our conversations.

Afterwards, we lay back in the sun, enjoying the warmth on our bodies, and our partners' hands applying sun-cream over the parts we couldn't reach - and sometimes the parts we could, but preferred to be touched by our other halves.

We relaxed for the best part of an hour, before Chris suggested swimming. The sea was close, and there was no-one nearby who presented a threat to our belongings, so we all agreed, and set off the sea.

We swam, splashed and played in the warm water, and while Connie and I complained about the water making our nipples harden (hers were very prominent), the men moaned about 'shrinkage'. Apparently, water makes the penis shrink.

It almost seemed like a challenge, so Connie and I set about rubbing against our partners in an effort to make them hard - that way there could be no shrinkage whatsoever.

Eventually, after we succeeded in our aims, and Josh and Chris had stayed in the water long enough to allow their erections to reduce, we wandered back up the beach and grabbed our towels. We dried off briskly, and it was then that I realised we needed to change out of our wet swimming things. We could have let them dry, but that was never comfortable - and besides, why not?

There was a brief moment, as we all recognised what we were about to do, then Connie announced:

"Fuck this. I've got nothing worth seeing, so I'll get things started."

She undid her top and pulled it off. I disagreed with her. Her breasts were small, but had a very definite shape - a slope down, to the peak of her long, pointed nipples, followed by the gentle under-curve of soft flesh. I felt they were very worth seeing. In fact, I thought they were beautiful.

Then the guys just slipped down their shorts, as Connie undid the ties on her bikini bottoms. I realised that if I didn't join in, I would basically be putting on a sideshow for them once they were naked. I whipped off my top, and in a few seconds, we were all naked, towelling between our legs and across our bums.

It was all very unself-conscious. No-one really looked, or examined one another's body - unlike at my aunt's. In fact, I was probably the worst. I sneaked a look at Chris's penis, noticing that it looked smaller than Josh's - maybe because it wasn't shaved. Connie was shaved, and just as a little bit of my slit was evident, so was hers.

As soon as we were dry, we slipped into dry costumes - my tiny bikini this time - and settled back on the sand. Only then was any comment about our nudity made. Chris turned to Josh.

"Dude - when did you shave your pubes?"

Josh grinned, "Last night. It was a joint decision. Thought I'd give it a try."

The men then floated off into a discussion about shaving, as Chris was intrigued about how it felt, how careful Josh had been round his balls, whether it would itch when it grew back, whether his cock looked bigger and what I thought about it.

I tuned out of the discussion, as Connie addressed me.

"I've been trying to get Chris to shave for ages. He comes up with all sorts of excuses - 'too cold ... guys'll laugh in the changing room ... itchy ... look like a kid'. Maybe he'll pluck up courage now. Did you get Josh to do it?"

I felt I should be honest with Connie, even though it was a little embarrassing. "We shaved each other," I explained, "last night. I'd never shaved before either."

Her mouth fell open. "Wow. How cool. I'll suggest it to Chris. Was he careful?"

"Oh yes. No cuts - it's a bit scary but lots of fun."

Connie appeared deep in thought, and I guessed she was planning her assault on Chris's pubic hair. Then she turned to me again.

"You've got lovely boobs. Wish mine were like that - bigger than these mosquito bites. Just something to play with."

"Yours are great," I interjected, maybe a little too fervently, "I don't think size is important, really, it's more about shape and how they feel. My sister's are big, but they're like wobbly jellies and her nipples are almost flat, not nice and pointed. I know some people love that, but I prefer something a bit firmer with nipples that point ..."

I realised that I had, perhaps, said too much, and clamped my mouth shut.

Connie laughed. "You're definitely very bi-curious," she stated.

I went very quiet. I thought it about it, and increasingly accepted that I was very, very keen to experience another woman - yet there was no way I was going to be unfaithful to Josh - and definitely not with Connie. It'd be almost guaranteed that he'd find out.

However, we had agreed to do certain things together. Maybe ...

I dismissed the thought, but decided I would broach the subject with him at some point. Connie seemed to read my mind.

"If you decide to become less curious, maybe we could sort something out at some point - but I'm not going to fuck things up with Chris, and I know you won't with Josh."

She lay back on the sand, looking gorgeous, and muttered:

"And you look unbelievably hot in that bikini."

The conversation continued to play on my mind. I had no desire to spoil our friendship with Chris and Connie, but I also felt a huge sexual attraction to her. Chris was also attractive, but as Josh and I had not had intercourse yet, I found the concept of intercourse with another man very challenging. Perhaps we needed an arrangement that would work. I decided to talk with Josh about it - after all, we were due to have full sex tonight, then would have just two nights of my stay left.

We spent another hour on the beach before deciding we needed to go home. We parted with hugs and air kisses, agreeing to meet up again the following day and walk further up the beach to get even further from people - who none of us really liked anyway.

When Josh and I got to his family home, quite a bit of tidying up had been done, and while some stain remover would be needed, and a second load of washing up (including several sex toys) waited by the dish washer, the house was relatively normal.

Outside, Josh's parents, Debbie and a couple of lingering party guests reclined by the pool - all naked, of course, and very unappealing. As ever, Josh and were asked to join them, and informed that as they were having a barbecue for tea, we would need to stay if we were going to eat.

Had I been less hungry, I would have foregone food completely, but I wanted to eat, and so did Josh. Plus, with our plans for tonight, I wanted to have my strength up - I would be light-headed enough.

I went to change, putting on boring cotton underwear, shorts and a t-shirt. I had no plans to undress, and really didn't want the visitors perving over my body.

Josh seemed to be in tune with my thinking, and wore shorts and t-shirt as well when we both reappeared by the pool.

We had to put up with a great deal of teasing and comments about how 'prudish' we were, and how silly it was to cover up such lovely bodies, which are totally 'natural', after all. The comments seemed a little absurd, when the man who had stayed after the party spent half his time ogling Debbie's breasts, and appeared to have a semi-erection (albeit a rather small one) as he wandered to and from the barbecue.

The conversation revolved around last night's party and who had sex with who - and the various 'hilarious' forfeits resulting from the games. Debbie, it seemed, had lost several times and performed sexual acts on quite a few people - including our uncle - while Aunt Cathy had enjoyed using sex toys as well as various acts with men and women.

I rather felt that they were trying to shock Josh and I, rather than entice us, and their descriptions became more lurid as they forged ahead. In truth, considering what we had been doing, and the discussions on sex and love which we had had, they had little hope of shocking us, and we just listened and nodded politely.

I think, on the whole, we felt sad. It seemed that sex, for them, had become endlessly unsatisfying, and they were simply trying anything and everything just to make it achieve the highs it once had. Debbie, meanwhile, just wanted to experiment and try to be spiteful to me. If anything, I pitied them.

Because of this, Josh and I hung around for much longer than they might have expected, taunting them with our indifference.

Eventually, they gave up and silence fell on the group. The guests decided to leave. They were not a couple (he was quite a bit younger than her, and, I think, hoped Debbie was interested in him), but shared a taxi. Perhaps they went to one of their homes to satisfy their urges.

Aunt Cathy and Uncle Carl decided to unload and refill the dishwasher, and Debbie went to her room to dress and sit watching TV. We all congregated again in the living room in front of a reality show on TV.

On several occasions, Aunt Cathy tried to start conversations about our night out at the 'gay pub', as she repeatedly called it, but was disappointed when all we talked about was how good the band was and how we enjoyed the company of Chris and Connie. She asked if we met any 'nice, new friends', but we were quick to explain that we kept very much to ourselves.

She seemed to find it odd that we had no interest in finding new people, or casual pick-ups, and drew Debbie into a conversation about how the main aim of going out was to make new friends. Debbie agreed - and with her record of one-night stands, I could see that she shared their values. Again, I just felt sad and disappointed.

All three of them left for bed early, clearly still suffering from the effects of partying, leaving Josh and I alone, with the suggestion that we watch a drama series about the HIV epidemic of the 1990s. We had both already watched it - not because it was about gay people, as my apparently open-minded, yet hugely judgemental aunt and uncle had suggested, but because it was an incredible indictment of society's values and attitudes at the time.

In fact, we sat together, holding one another and watched a rather steamy movie about an unconventional romance, with plenty of nudity and an ultimate recognition that however society judged the couple, their love was genuine.

It was a good start to our evening, and ensured that everyone else in the house was asleep. When we were certain that we wouldn't be interrupted, we changed the TV to its internet mode and started watching porn.

As ever, we chose amateur couples - this time having intercourse. We watched how they progressed from using hands, to oral sex and sometimes using sex toys to full sex, often in different positions. As they knew they were being filmed, the man generally finished in his partners mouth or on her face. For us, this seemed a good idea, as while Josh had bought condoms, we both preferred to experience one another as fully as was safe.