All Comments on 'First Seduction'

GOod story, well set up. I want to read more about the women -- tell me what they are thinking and feeling as they let loose, tell me about the aftermath of this encounter. Knowing them as people, especially people who are swept away by lust, makes it hotter.

God, there is NOTHING that RUINS a story--or for what some people try to pass off as a story--faster than FORCED word usage.

"Whilst" is about as ridiculous a word to use in a piece of erotica as "penis" is.

Stick to comic books and leave writing to WRITERS!

This is my first attempt at writing any story, so far I have one encouraging comment and one discouraging. Would love to have more feedback good or bad, the votes are averaging 75% so it's bad for a first attempt but I want to know if it made you imagine the situation, if I need to add more detail or if you hated it then tell me why... I know I overused the word "whilst", but what other mistakes did I make? what did I get right?? PLEASE TELL ME!

As someone who also just starting out as a Lit author, I know how it feels to worry about responses. That said, let's get into the story. There are some pretty easy ways for you to really make this story a lot hotter (IMHO). Right now you have a fairly normal fantasy described as a fairly normal sequence of events. I suspect that when you read the story, you are mentally filling in a lot of the gaps that make it less satisfying for a reader. First and foremost: who are these people? We get names, and a few identifying attributes, but I never really get a sense for what they are like. Maybe it's a girl thing, but sex with cardboard characters is not that fun. Throw in some dialog, give us a better feel for what the narrator is thinking, or even just give use some more of an idea about how these women behave when not having crazy monkey sex. Heck, even WHEN they are having sex. You mention some activities, but you don't really give me any idea about how they go about it. The best stories manage to convey the mood of the erotic activity. Slow and sensuous (seems like what you were shooting for?)? Passionate and unrestrained? Hesitant, tentative? A lot of personality shows up in sex, that is part of why it is so fun. Finally, there is the seduction/build-up. The first Lisa/Vicki scene would really benefit from build-up (all kinds of light touching can happen in a car...), and the Lisa/Sarah bit lacks an underlying tension so the seduction comes across as a series of discrete incidents rather than a rising, irresistible swell of lust (which is what I think you were going for). I know a lot of this is tough to do. I myself am struggling to do it since there is no easy recipe. But work on it a little, even a slight improvement in these fields can put you miles ahead of the Lit pack. Personally, I recommend the Lit editor program having had a great experience with it. Find someone who looks like they a)match your taste b) are interested in helping you with a story the same way you are being helped and c) seem persuasive in their summary. Sorry if any of that came off as harsh, but I hope some of it proves useful. If you have any questions, feel free to e-mail me on the lit account thingy. Good luck, hope to see more in the future!

I loved the story, it really really turned me on. I would encourage you to develop the story more. Take your time in describing what the women feel, what the texture is like, what are the scents, describe the feel of their skin, etc. The premise of the story, the seduction, is really erotic. It is the mind that is where sex & lovemaking really take place, develope that further. I really did love the story though (I came twice both times I read it!) Very erotic. Excellent first try. Keep writing. - Dana