Forbidden in the 1950's Ch. 04

"So, you won't tell me who you were, uh, intimate with?"

"If you want, I will tell you who. But intimacy is not the word. It is sex. Just sex. I saw. I lusted. I acted. I am the one to blame. I just need to know your intentions. If you have come to a decision, please tell me now. That way there is no need for further discussion."

"Lena, you know if I divorce you, it will kill my ministry."

"Not necessarily, Neil. If you follow the typical bible teachings, you can as they say, 'Put away because of adultery'. You might even get more sympathy from the congregation. It would be like you were never married being that you are the aggrieved one."

"I don't think I could do that."

"So, are you or are you not planning on divorcing me?"

"I don't want to do that. As far as you trying to talk to me about sex, did you, uh, uh, cheat after that?"

"No. It was before that. And after. As I said, one has nothing to do with the other. That is as far as the actual act. What I will say is that I became sexually frustrated before anything ever happened. Trying to fix our sex problem was my way of seeking fulfillment within our marriage. I thought if we could become more intimate that I could forget what made me cheat."

"Look, Lena. I have to admit that I shied away from sex because I feel inadequate. I was made fun of growing up by some bullies who made fun of my, uh, you know, penis. One guy said that I would have to marry a virgin because my, uh, penis was small."

"Did those people have big penises?"

"I don't know. I tried not to shower in front of people. I guess I saw some penises that were bigger than mine but I just don't know."

"So, you don't want to have sex with me because you think your penis is too small?"

"It is not exactly like that. I just had trouble thinking about what you thought. It causes me anxiety."

"I thought it might be that you are no longer attracted to me physically. I mean my breasts are not as big as some of the girls and women in the church. I thought that maybe you desired someone else. After all, we were each other's first. I thought that you might have missed, you know, like they say, sowing your wild oats before marriage."

"No. No. You are beautiful. I am just concerned that you might think of me as inadequate which is exactly what happened."

"It is more complicated than that, Neil. I didn't think of any of that. I just felt that from what I have heard, sex should be more fulfilling than what we had. I love you. I can't explain how I can say that and still do what I did. I know I hurt you. I know I am selfish."

"Well, I guess I am too. I didn't think enough about your needs. I was wrapped up in my insecurities. Now, I am really insecure. I guess the real question is if you want to divorce me now that you found someone who can fulfill your sexual needs."

"Oh, Neil. I don't want to turn this around on you. That would be cruel. I am the one who violated your trust. I can't let you take the blame. And, no. I don't want a divorce even though you have grounds."

"So where does that leave us. Are you still going to see the man who you had sex with?"

"Oh, wow. I can't believe you asked that."

"I know. But it must have made you feel good."

She blushed. "Yes, Neil. It made me feel very good. It felt so good that I would have trouble answering your question truthfully."

"So, you want to be with him and not me?"

"No. I can't explain it. I mean, I truthfully don't think sex with you could ever be as good as with him. But I don't want to be with him. I don't want to marry him. I can't be with or marry him even if I wanted to."

"I don't understand, Lena. You know sex with me could ever be that good for you but you don't want to be with him. You haven't been with him since our, uh, blowup the other day? Have you?"

"Yes, Neil. I have. My mom brought me home Friday. I spent the next two nights with him. It was amazing even though I still feel guilty. I don't want to hurt you anymore. It is just that I, uh, well, you know, come with him inside me. I never do that with you."

"So, what you are saying is that my penis is too small to satisfy you sexually?"

"Afraid so, Neil. I realize that it is something you can't help. It would help if you really wanted to have sex with me. I mean, being close, being intimate is part of sex. But the anatomical parts are unfortunately part of it also."

"If my penis was larger, would you get the same feeling?"

"Probably so. But if you don't desire me, it wouldn't make a difference. You see, it is hard to describe. I mean when we have sex, you shoot your sperm into me and then go to sleep. I go to the bathroom and satisfy myself."

"You do that?"

"Yes, I do. Haven't you ever masturbated?"

Neil turned very red in the face. He was so ashamed of her knowing that he had masturbated before. In fact, each time he did it, he prayed for forgiveness and pledged he would never do that again. But, inevitably, he would do it again. He couldn't control his urges and for that he was ashamed. He couldn't believe that his prim and proper wife admitted to masturbating after he had planted his seed in her.

His feelings wouldn't have made sense to most people but Neil was so repressed about sexuality that it made sense to him. Lena felt that way growing up. However, just listening to the carpool girls talk about penis size unleashed the hot woman in her. She masturbated thinking of big cocks. Finally, she had experienced a big cock. In the 1950's it was not acceptable for a white woman to even be seen with a black man. That just added to her frustration. Damon had found the fissure in her outer wall and what had erupted was a hot volcano of lust.

She thought for a while that if Neil would just be open to more sex, she could go back to the way they had been. Yet, thoughts of Damon's beautiful black cock kept invading her brain even while she and Neil were talking. Truthfully, she could not do without that big cock. She could try. She had been repressed before. But now that the Genie was out of the bottle, she could never be happy with Neil's little dicklet no matter how much she loved him. That was the place they were in and Lena could see no way around it. She had to do something. Save her marriage? Or sacrifice her sexual happiness?