Forgiveness vs. Permission

The next few days went by glacially for Carleigh. She bounced between hope and despair. Gullible Carleigh had to die. She had to decide what was best for her. If that was staying with Ian, she had to be willing to pull out all the stops to convince him why she deserved a second chance. The bourbon tranquilizer became easier to swallow. Her life as she had planned it hung in the balance. This meeting with Ian was critical.

Again, Ian was on time. His face was blank and emotionless. He expressed no reaction seeing Carleigh with a glass of whiskey in her hand, although it was something he had never seen before. That was not a positive sign to him. Ian sat down at the table with his wife across from him.

"Well, have you thought of anything about why I should forgive you and try to save our marriage?"

"No."

Ian was surprised. "You're not going to try to justify what you've done? Talk about all the good years we had before Juan got your juices flowing? Tell me why trying to make your fantasy come true was nothing to worry about? Tell me how inadequate I am in the sack? It was just meaningless sex."

Carleigh snarled, "If you didn't want to hear those things, why do you keep bringing it up?"

"Good point. Guess that proves I still have some emotion for you. Just not sure if that emotion is love anymore. Not sure you ever had love for me."

"Don't you dare, you asshole. I loved you then, and I love you now. Yes, I got a case of the stupids, and I have been suffering. I will never forgive myself for what I did to you and I can't ask you to either. But your haranguing me is not helping."

"So, we're done?" Ian got up and started to walk away.

"There is something you might be interested in hearing? Can you stay a minute longer?"

"Okay, you deserve that much I guess."

Carleigh took out a voice recorder and played the recording of the phone conversation she had with Tonya. Ian looked over at his wife when the recording stopped. She was in tears. Ian moved over to her and started to take her in his arms. He froze. "I just can't. At least not yet. Wanting to be with another man and making a plan to try and get away with it, is more than being stupid. It's being disrespecting, unfaithful, cheating, and . . . and . . . ."

"You're right Ian. I probably deserve whatever you want to do. I just want you to know that, if it makes a difference, I want to stay married to you no matter what it takes. If divorce will be so bad for both of us, is there any other way you can punish me without having to divorce?"

"I didn't tell you before, but my brother mentioned another option. I dismissed it at the time, so that's why I didn't mention it to you. Now I think it might be a possibility. We could get a legal separation but stay in the house together. We can start splitting our assets and plan on a future away from each other if it comes to that. This option rules out having children, of course. Since we both want to have children, I guess we need to set a deadline to keep us from getting too old to have children with someone else if we divorce. What do you think, Carl?"

Carleigh noticed he was addressing her as 'Carl' again. That was a positive sign to her. "I prefer any option that keeps us together. I have a lot to prove to you. It seems like there would be a lot of little details to work out, but I think it could work. I would really prefer we continue to share the bedroom. Would we still share a bed?"

"NO! . . . . Sorry, I didn't mean to be that harsh. I am still way too upset to consider sex with anyone, especially you. I'm so confused right now. I both love you and hate what you've done. Not to be ugly, but I think you should move into the guest bedroom since you caused this. You've never had sex with one of your lovers in our bedroom have you?"

"Ian, you need to stop that crap, right now. As much as I love you and want to stay with you, do not ever say again anything about me having lovers. I fooled around with one man, ONE TIME. I have never made love with any other man except you since we have been married. Yes, I was willingly duped into considering betraying our marriage. They say that 'stupid' can't be fixed. Well, I plan to prove that wrong. I have apologized and begged forgiveness and am willing to be punished. But buster, I will not have my transgression thrown up in my face all the time. If you keep bringing it again, you'll have a divorce whether it hurts both of us or not." Ian had never seen that level of fire in her eyes. He was surprised. He actually liked her spirit. Ian didn't want a wife who would be continually apologizing and acting subservient. He wanted an equal.

He saluted her. "Yes, Mam." In a few seconds, both were smiling at the unusual exchange. It was a welcome break in the tension.

A weird period of legal separation began. Although technically having sex with someone else could no longer be grounds for having an advantage in a divorce, they both agreed that if either did have sex with someone else, that would rule out anything except a divorce. They also agreed to one other thing: Neither of them would have any contact with Tonya.

It was more difficult for Carleigh than Ian to be in the house with each other without their being the possibility for sex. Since sex was forbidden, it was actually on Carleigh's mind more that almost any other time in their marriage except when they were still newlyweds. She would masturbate and use a vibrator for relief. Ian chuckled when he heard her at times because she was always shouting his name as her imaginary partner. He never heard the name 'Juan.'

They began enjoying spending time together again. Periodically they brought each other up-to-date with their respective finances. Both were doing well. Neither mentioned any dating possibilities. If either brought up the name of a member of the opposite sex in normal conversation, he/she would be quick to clarify that there was no romantic connection. This arrangement lasted for six months. There was another half year left on the legal separation.

The big test to their tenuous marriage was the upcoming annual meeting. Spouses were invited, and Carleigh asked Ian if he wanted to go. He said no. If he could not trust her, they might as well go ahead with the divorce. Carleigh hoped he would go as she needed support to confront Juan to let him know there would be no tryst for them now or ever.

When Carleigh saw Juan standing in the hotel lobby, he was talking with some other men. She waited until he separated from them. Heart pounding, she approached him. "Juan."

He turned to her smiling. "Yes, how may I help you?"

"Juan, it's me, Carleigh."

"Your face seems familiar. How do we know each other?"

"JUAN, at the conference six months ago, you and I drank and danced together. We got uh .. . friendly."

"Oh my gosh, did we have sex?"

"No, but . . . "

An attractive woman came over and put her arm inside Juan's left arm. "Is this another one?"

Juan said, "I'm afraid so but evidently she's not one I bedded."

Carleigh looked very perplexed.

"I'm Juan's wife, Susan. Five months ago, I talked Juan on going on a date to a revival. He did NOT want to go but he thought he would get in my panties if he did what I asked. Anyway, Juan had a conversion experience. He's a changed man. We married a couple of months ago. You're the third woman here he's had to apologize to."

"I haven't apologized to her yet. Carleigh, is it? Please accept my deepest apology for my actions at the last meeting. I was a supreme lout and a horrible sinner. I hope I didn't cause any problems in your life. I hope you can forgive me."

Carleigh was still stunned but stammered out her forgiveness. She spent the rest of the annual meeting in a fog.

Once home, she ran up to Ian and hugged him. "Let's talk."

"Don't you want to unpack first?"

"No, I have something to tell you and it can't wait."

"I guess that means you and Juan got together."

"Yes, I mean no. Oh, please just listen. It's not at all what you think. It certainly was not what I was expecting."

After telling him of the encounter with Juan, she confessed, "I was surprised that I was somewhat disappointed he didn't hardly remember me. Here I have been having all these romantic fantasies about someone who didn't care a bit. A real ego deflator. Just when I think I've finally realized how dumb I was with my fantasy love obsession, something happens to make me realize I was even dumber that I thought. Ian, if anything like this ever happens again, please just shoot me and put me out of my misery."

Ian didn't respond outwardly but smiled and said, "Not a bad idea. But let's get your things upstairs for now."

The next few months went better, especially Carleigh who felt a great relief. At the beginning of the last three months of separation, Carleigh asked if she could talk about a possible change in the rules. "Ian, I know that women are attracted to you and I assume many are attractive to you. I think you should be allowed to have sex with other women before the end of our separation."

Ian thought for a moment, "I assume there is someone you want to have sex with."

"No. You are still the only man I want. I want you to find out if there is another woman you would rather have. I thought you might need to be free to have sex to help you determine that. Of course, I am hoping you find out you won't want someone else."

Both took a few minutes in silence.

Ian broke the quiet, "Carleigh, there is a woman I would like to have sex with."

Tears welled up in Carleigh's eyes. "I hope you find out who you really want. When will be your next date with her? Would you like me to go somewhere so you can bring her here?"

"I don't know I'll be able to tell if she's the one, but I think if might help me decide if I brought her to my bedroom. So, would you like to move back into the master bedroom. You're the one I've been wanting to have sex with."

The tears for the first time in a long time were happy tears. "Let's see, you want me to move into the bedroom with the man I love above all others. What should I do? What should I do? Can I move in tonight?"

"I think we should take the rest of the week and think about all the implications this new arrangement would have. If we still want to by next Monday, we can move you then. We've both been horny for over six months, so a few days shouldn't make a difference."

Ian was wrong. A few days became an eternity and once the 'no sex' barrier was lowered, horniness on both sides increased exponentially. It only took a few times of 'accidently' seeing each other nude or almost nude before one grabbed the other and passionate sex occurred. To Hell with the Monday deadline. It is probably impossible to make up for almost a year of not screwing in one night, but they gave it their best effort.

In the aftermath of a marathon session of love making, Carleigh asked the question they both were wondering about, "What do we do now?"

Ian spoke up, "I think we should keep the deadline coming up at the end of the separation year."

Carleigh wilted and looked like she was starting to cry.

"Don't cry, sweetheart. Let me finish. I think we should keep the deadline, but not for deciding to divorce or not. It could be the deadline for us to decide to start trying to have kids or not."

Carleigh's emotions jumped from joy to anger at Ian deliberately jerking her heart strings. Two can play that game. "Ian, I don't want to stop the divorce."

Ian was now the one shocked. "But I thought we were doing so well."

Carleigh grinned widely, "Let ME finish."

"Ian, what I mean is that I want to end the old marriage that I messed up so miserably. Why don't we look at this second chance and view this as a second marriage? We could renew our vows. Please, is there any way I can have another chance with a clean slate? I promise I will be the best wife, mother, and partner in retirement that has ever been. I swear."

"I will agree on one condition, don't ever ask me for forgiveness OR permission again. Now do you want to help me move your stuff in?"

"Only if you don't want to consummate your second marriage first. I hear your first wife didn't like to initiate sex. You'll not have that problem with me."