Formulas for Success

THE MATH OF SWINGING

Male: "Well, how about them? Look at her nipple rings. She's fuckin' hot."

Female: "Oh, please. He doesn't have any back hair. You'll just have to find someone else."

Male: "Okay. What about those two? They look fun. Plus, the guy's a fuckin' ape."

Female: "You're kidding, right? He's way too fat!"

Male: "Well, back hair and corpulent sort of go together like Merrill Stubing and bald, don't they?"

Female: "What?"

Male: "Never mind. How 'bout those two next to the hot tub? You can braid that shit!"

Female: "Jesus, you're disgusting!"

Numbers Guys new to swinging often believe it's beneficial to pair up with a female, as opposed to entering the sexual arena alone. Here's why they're wrong:

A) Women are physically gorgeous.

B) All people, including women, are insane.

C) Thereby, if women weren't physically gorgeous, men would have nothing to do with them.

It's a simple equation. Let's say females resembled Jared from Subway. Would you still treat them like princesses? No. They'd be immense, hairy, and possess a pair of balls.

If women looked like men, would you radically alter your existence to accommodate them?

If Jared was having his period, would you be sympathetic?

Nine times out of 10, men wouldn't lust women, and vice versa, if they didn't find the opposite sex physically appealing.

When driven by the Numbers, you'll encounter fewer problems if you swing solo, as opposed to being part of a couple:

There won't be any obligation to leave parties early.

Mood swings?

Not unless you possess multiple personalities, since you'll only have to answer to yourself.

It's basic math. Two couples are desirous of playing. You're looking at four total components ― two husbands, two wives.

Machines with fewer working parts have less potential of breaking down. Eliminate three of the variables, and you've reduced the probability of failure. Compatibility between the four elements of two swinging couples is often difficult to attain.

If you're dedicated to the Numbers, you're attracted to all women. At that point, you simply have to deal with one factor: Is the woman attracted to you? Period.

THE SEXUAL PERCENTAGE

Stand at the corner of a busy street in a metropolitan area. Gaze over the throng of folks passing by. Attempt to deduce which has had the most sex.

A) The dread-locked nymph with more piercings than a pin cushion?

B) The provocatively clad college student, engendering you to consider reverting back to breast feeding?

C) The soccer mom, so sexually stymied, her "I Love Cock" T-shirt can be clearly seen beneath her sheer blouse?

D) The bald, middle-aged guy with more hair on his ass than his head?

If you guessed "D," and you're female, congratulations! You've just won an all-expense paid trip through my pants. If you're male, and concluded that "D" is the correct answer, good for you!

Any of the above stereotypes can be correct. Quite often, though, those least conspicuous are the ones sucklin' off the tit of life.

Seemingly more far-fetched than the possibility of Hugh Hefner having been gay, the facts remain: Whomever coined the term, "If you've got it, flaunt it" was an egomaniac. The much more pragmatic phrase should be, "If you've got it, use it." The beauty is that, given enough effort, anybody can get it.

Less attractive to women than misogyny, I'm no Johnny Depp. I can read, though. As a result, I derive foresight from those who've ventured before me.

After determining ― via research ― where the local swing clubs are, I can drive to them on a regular basis. The rest takes care of itself.

If you're a single male entering, or embroiled in, the swing scene, pore over pertinent literature. Understand how to manipulate your Chakras. Make yourself multi-orgasmic, able to hump for days on end, or simply halfway decent in bed.

As outlandish as these topics seem, they are valid, and will afford you numerous more opportunities than those available a "one pump chump."

Books: They don't just make fantastic paperweights, anymore!

MIKE DAMONE: PURE INSPIRATION

Mark Ratner: "[...] Well, naturally something happens. I mean, you put the vibe out to thirty million chicks, something is gonna happen."

Mike Damone: "That's the idea, Rat. That's the attitude."

— Fast Times at Ridgemont High

The sea of simpletons surrounding me cackled at Mike Damone's seemingly puerile disposition. I couldn't believe it. Fast Times at Ridgemont High held the secret to this Universe, and these idiots were laughing at it!

"Could it really be this simple?" I wondered. Hunkering down in my streamlined, Syufy theater seat, I hashed out a plan of attack.

This guy Damone was a luminary! Here I was, encircled by assholes less stable than Californium ― people trapped in relationships more doomed than the maiden voyage of the Titanic. Yet, in the words of this greasy, high school thespian, came clarity.

How could one guy in his teens be so goddamned intuitive?

I glanced at the ignorant audience around me. "Couldn't anybody else see the genius, here?!"

When it comes to accumulating notches on the bedpost, the more women you proposition, the more sex you'll obtain.

Period!

People are humping every moment of every day. It's simply your duty to find them.

― authored by Hugh Mungus