From the Embers Ch. 01

"I-... I don't want to lose what little we have left, Josh. Please. You've made our lives stable, now start enjoying it."

It was an awkward conversation, but I could tell that she'd considered those words for longer than the morning. Regretfully, I accepted her command. "I'm sorry, Sarah. I... think I've lost myself somewhere along the way, here. I just didn't want us to go back to being as dirt poor as we were after-..."

"Our dad blew his brains out?" I was shocked to hear her talk so calmly about it. For all I knew, she didn't know those details, but from the look in her eyes, she seemed almost bored of them already. I begrudgingly nodded. She went on: "Dad was an addict, too. It's hereditary, you know. Even if I have to tie you down, I'm gonna keep you away from following in his footsteps - you hear?" I hadn't even considered going down that path, myself. I'd been so dedicated to making ends meet and to stack up my obsessive buffer, that I hadn't paused to think what I was doing to my sister by neglecting her emotional and social needs.

I nodded in acknowledgment of her threat: "Yes, Ma'am." I pause to smile at the frightening pair of narrow eyes before I continued: "I'll be around more. It's gonna be hard - I'm struggling a lot with the guilt. I suppose it's burnout, really... being alone's no good." She reached over the table and paused to hover her thin fingers over mine. I felt her warmth radiate from the nervous fingertips before I closed the distance and considered how odd it felt - how alien my sister's hand felt in mine. I truly had let things slip.

While I did the dishes, she watched my back with scrutiny and continued her inquisition: "So, you've got no friends? There's nothing you like doing?" I shrugged and continued scrubbing the pan. "No and no." She scratched her chin ponderously, as if gathering the courage to ask: "And no girlfriend, I take it?" Again, I regretfully shook my head. "How come? You're a handsome guy and you're nice. No one's been interested?"

I huffed a bitter scoff of bemusement before informing: "Working with women twenty-four-seven... you hear things. The guys at uni used to joke about how they'd be wading in-..." I stopped to wince as I remembered who my conversation partner was. "- but I quickly realized that stabbing people's eyes isn't the sexiest of circumstances."

When I turned, her mouth hung slightly agape as she looked at me with continued disbelief. "You're gay?" I hadn't taken her for someone who'd oppose that, but I was again quick to shake my head. "No. Just a romantic, I guess. I did go on a date once, though. Ended with a disaster."

She closed her mouth and stopped gawking before snapping her fingers in her version of a eureka-moment. "It's gonna be hard for you to make a friend outside of a common interest... So how about installing a dating-app? I'll help you match - it'll be fun. Brother-sister-bonding-time!"

I paused, blinked and retorted: "Fooling someone into my bed counts for brother-sister-bonding-time? Damn, I should've burnt out years ago." I didn't even realize what I was saying until it was too late. My cheeks were aflame with heat and flush as I bit my tongue and heard her laugh:

"I didn't say anything about that, Romeo! But I'm glad you got your priorities straight. So, what happened last time?"

I sighed and lowered my head in defeat, letting my hands soak in the lukewarm water. "I couldn't shut up about work all evening. We'd had this crazy adenovirus infection - the patients literally covered the walls in sh-"

"Got it, got it, dear brother. Wow... you really are hopeless..." She whistled, but I found the amusement somewhat comforting. I'd long since accepted that I'd have to live vicariously through my sister's social media updates when she'd procreate at some point.

"How about you? Friends? Boyfriend? Hobbies outside of your writing?" She was quick to respond to that one with a decisive: "No. No. No. I don't need any other friends than my characters, but you don't even have them." I turned around to frown at her, only to find that her lips were turned upwards in a smirk of superiority. She rose up from her chair and confidently crossed her arms, suggesting: "I've got a proposition, then. You obviously need training and a confidence boost, so hear me out."

Her confidence had quickly washed away about two sentences into her suggestion. From holding her fists at her hips and pushing out her supple chest, she'd quickly devolved into a nervous wreck twiddling her fingers with a hunched back, a profuse sweat and repeated clearing of her throat. Her cheeks were as red as fire as she nervously finished voicing her proposal. She fell silent and, in a flash of brotherly maliciousness I pondered whether I should've tortured her more... but I stayed silent and finally spoke: "Sure. A practice-date sounds fun."

She seemed astounded. Shocked. Rearing her head, she croaked: "Y-you... want to?" I shrugged. "Of course. By the looks of it, you need it as much as I do, because we're both obviously emotionally immature. You're a mess."

Finally, her nervosity seemed to wash away and a semblance of her regular pallor returned to her gaunt cheeks. "Ouch. But point taken... I'd have expected some protests, to be honest. I'd even prepared a backup plan in case you'd refuse."

I reared my head. "Why would I refuse?"

She looked at me as if trying to see whether I was joking. "I just figured you'd have a problem lugging your sister around all evening. Maybe you'd be scared other people would find it offensive or something - I don't know how your brain works."

I had to laugh as I wiped my hands and took a step closer to look at her flushed, adorable cheeks. "You've suggested we have some bonding-time while agreeing to give me some dating-advice - it sounds like fun. And why would the others find it offensive? All they'd see was me with a beautiful girl - that's only good for my street cred, right?"

It was odd how natural conversation flowed between us - the estranged siblings. But it felt natural to talk to her about these things, even if it had been years since we last had a conversation. She smiled, flushed a deeper shade of purple and gleamed up at me: "It's settled, then. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a date to get ready for... and you..." She reached a hand out to rub my scruffy chin. "Had better get rid of whatever this is."

I wasn't sure what I'd expected, but clad in my navy blue blazer, my black shirt and dress pants, I tripped in place with an odd sense of nervousness. I hadn't eaten in public since I was still a student and sharing the experience with my one social contact felt... interesting. But more interesting still was the ceremonious clearing of my sister's throat as she gracefully toyed down the stairs in a heart-crushing fine, black dress. She'd tied her hair up like I hadn't seen her before - with sticks protruding from an elaborate bundle. Moreover, her eyes seemed so much more alive than earlier - her black mascara highlighting the blue of her irises. My eyes naturally traversed her body, to the shape of her hips until they inevitably saw the slight cleavage visible in the low cut of her chest. All she lacked were a pair of black gloves and the girl could've sung at a 1960s smoky night-club... but he'd heard her sing and was grateful that would not be happening. She motioned for her long, thin neck and asked: "So? Is your date acceptable for this evening?"

I had to laugh and raised my hand to gesture picking up my lower jaw. "Christ almighty, I'm not sure how I'm gonna deal with all the boys oogling my date all night - let alone my sister."

She wore shiny shoes with slightly elevated heels that brought even more length to her long legs. She puffed her chest out and said: "Well, tonight they're one and the same. I suppose I'll feel the same way when all the girls glare you up and down." She clicked her heels over towards me and slapped some lint away from the neck of my shirt with a smile. "You really need to eat more, Josh. You're withering away in there."

Naturally, I would be no less rude and I found myself poking her narrow waist and retorted: "Said the blind to the blind. Let's work on that tonight. Time to bring out the debit-card and buy some actual food for once."

She giggled and lay a soft hand on my shoulder. "Careful, you don't want to spoil me. If you pick up the cheque on the first date, she'll have expectations."

I had to bite back an off-handed comment about men usually having some expectations regardless and led her out to the car, where I gentlemanly opened the door and took the driver's seat. The drive was undoubtedly one of the best I'd ever had - being able to talk to my sister and hear how a woman would think of my outfit first-hand was an interesting experience and, apparently, a detail a man should never take lightly. She seemed almost ill at ease as I did not veer off towards our town's only watering hole and headed further to the south, instead, but did not question it. She was far too preoccupied telling me of her latest fantasy story - a story inspired by the pair of us and the rekindling of our sibling bond.

As we drove into the city, she 'ooo'd a bit, but remained otherwise silent. I informed: "I used to take the bus here for my practical studies... two hours back and forth for eight weeks. Damn am I glad to have this old hunk of junk." I clapped the steering wheel of our beat-up Volvo and heard her giggle. "I'd suggest getting a new one, but I like it. The back wheel drive is fun."

She froze as I showed her the place where I'd succeeded in scoring us a table by calling in an old favor from my boss - the wife of the owner. She was more than happy to help me as I told her I had a date, but naturally declined to tell her that this 'date' was, in fact, my sister... I wasn't ready to lose my job just yet.

"What the fuuuck..." She mouthed as we arrived inside the fine establishment. I felt her hand tug on my sleeve and heard her whisper: "What is this place? This must cost a fortune!"

I could guarantee that she'd never been to a michelin restaurant - I'd have known, after all. But the look of wonder as she watched the waiters carry themselves with such dignity and class was as charming as could be - a sight to bring new life to my still, cold chest.

"Sister Josh?" I felt my lips freeze as I turned to sigh at my boss' husband and hoped to God that was the only reference I'd get to my professional life.

Dinner was nothing short of fantastic - seven courses of culinary adventures for a pair of rejects who were more accustomed to eating pop tarts and mold than anything close to the wines and dinners we were served. To top it off, they even refused my attempts to pay, stating I'd done much to relieve my boss of her duties. That was the first time I ever considered that I had, in essence, taken her problems and carried them with me - lightening her load while breaking my back. Perhaps our professional relationship was not so one-sided as I had felt it was.

When we exited, Sarah was ecstatic and the wines had loosened her shoulders up a bit. Enough so that it no longer felt weird to have her arm in mine as we wandered back towards the car. "-that pineapple stuff! I've never even thought of combining it!" I chuckled at her excitement as I closed the door on her and took a deep breath of the cold evening air, questioning when I last enjoyed the darkness with such clarity.

"Where are we going now?" Sarah asked as I stepped into the car. Her entire persona had transformed and she had returned to her nervous self, but with an absence of a flush to her cheeks.

"Don't worry, I'm not done with you yet. Assuming you're still interested in continuing our siblingly date."

This brightened her smile and she ceased fidgeting her fingers to briefly clap my gear-shifting hand. "Word of advice - don't call your date your sibling." She giggled with a tad too much bemusement. The wine must've really gotten to you, huh.

She'd watched the world outside the car window grow darker and darker as we journeyed further into the thick, overgrown forest. The bright moonlight cast its silvery glow on the trees, but despite the eerie atmosphere, Sarah remained calm in the warm interior of the car.

After a fifteen-minute drive along the busted road, I stopped at a clearing where the local farmers had once stored hay for the winter, where last year's great, white, plastic balls still shone in the relative darkness. There, I keyed off the ignition and sat back in my seat to stare at the green grass for a moment. "Uhm... Josh. Is this it? I was kinda thinking bowling or something." I smiled and shook my head before opening the door to step outside - closely followed by a similar departure from my sister. There, we stepped to the hood of the car and sat down, uncaring for the effect of our clothing on the white, aged paint. I pointed up towards the sight that had paralyzed me last time I'd been there - years past, when I'd first gotten my driver's license and needed a breath of air. Her jaw fell agape with awe as she saw the bright, full moon and the billions upon billions of stars with more clarity than I supposed anywhere else in the world couldn't offer.

She whispered: "Oh, nevermind... this is the perfect ending to a date. You've got more moves than I gave you credit for, bro." She elbowed me in the side and I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Thanks. Alas, I meant to bring my sister here, not my date. Just wanted to show you how the skies look without light pollution." She kept her gaze firmly affixed on the moon - bathing in its white radiance. Her pale face lit up as her lips parted in a grin the likes I hadn't ever seen on her face. She took a cautious step to the side and leaned against my shoulder. That momentary smile - that feeling of contentment reminded me of why I'd kept pushing forwards. It had all been for her - my lovely, beautiful sister whose life I'd been charged with supporting.

"This is a good place to kiss your date, you know."

She tugged at my sleeve and when I looked over, she looked up at me with that devilish, malicious grin I'd come to miss during my work hours. I had to laugh and shake my head: "I'll keep that in mind for when I find a date."

"But I'm your date. Tonight." I couldn't make sense of her tone at that moment. If I hadn't known her better, I'd have said she was pleading with me, but when I looked down I saw another one of her strange smiles.

One thing was for sure - even in the silvery moonlight, her cheeks were bright-red. "Sarah... is anything wrong?" Was all I could ask.

She leaned heavier on my shoulder and shrugged, finally breaking her gaze on me and the stars to mutter something I couldn't catch. I had to ask her to repeat it, only to hear her shout at me: "I haven't kissed anyone before!"

To me, this was startling information, but I couldn't tell why I felt so startled at the moment. Perhaps it was simply so off-handed that it seemed a random bit of trivia or perhaps I was simply too intrigued by the fact of the matter. I cocked my head and ruffled her hair. "Me neither. I'm surprised, though... you must've been popular with the boys in high school."

She shook her head into my shoulder. "Not really, no. I've only ever been on one date." She never struck me as a particular ice-queen, but I might've been wrong.

I raised my arm around her and comfortingly rubbed her naked, cold shoulder. "We'll find you someone who deserves you, eventually. I might need some convincing, though-"

"Josh, can you promise not to freak out when I ask you something?" I raised an eyebrow and shrugged - I'd heard fucked-up things for years at that point. "I want you to be my first kiss." My breath got caught in my throat as I was treated to a new variety of fucked up. She hurriedly continued, still wrapped in my arm. "That sounds pervy and fucked, but take it for what it is... today's been amazing and I want to remember this forever. Even if you slip away again, I'll always know that my first kiss was with you and not some shithead I'll end up dumping for being a horndog."

I'd like to say I took some more convincing than that... but she wasn't wrong. Most people I'd talked to couldn't remember their first kiss and those who did, spoke of it being a clumsy, weird thing. I ran my free hand over my palm when I realized that her romantic sentiment wasn't bad - it was well befitting her artistic behaviorisms. It was the weirdest thing I'd ever done, reaching down for her chin and bringing her up to stare her embarrassed smile at me. "You're sure? Not fucking with me?" I asked. She hurriedly shook her head, whipping my arm with her blonde hair. I shrugged one last time before I leaned in to touch my lips to hers.

I had gone in for the peck, but as soon as the softness of our lips connected, I froze. It dawned on me how weird this was, but it also dawned on me how weird it wasn't... and that was likely just as scary. I felt a warm, queasy fluttering in my stomach and my every sense sharpened - I could feel her heartbeat reverberating through my arm as we committed that memory to long-term storage. I can't tell you how long we stayed that way, nor can I say who broke it off, but after what felt like an hour and a second all at once, we split apart to exchange a meaningful gaze of something. Awe? Hunger? Disgust? Regret? I couldn't tell.

Neither of us wiped our lips when we returned to silently stare up at the skies. Fuck that was nice.

The date ended with the kiss and when we were back home again, we both splayed out on the sofa and rekindled our acquaintance with human proximity by her resting her aching feet in my lap. Sarah was watching some documentary about Alaskan gold-miners, whereas I was struggling with the new pill-packaging as I readied my week's dosages of SSRIs - a treat I'd gotten accustomed to before our father's brutal farewell. I'd found myself sneaking glances over at her rolled-up dress, drawn to looking at her thin thighs while considering how many calories a girl like her could need to pack some pounds on, when she finally broke the lengthy silence to ask: "You're pretty bad at that for being a medical professional." She didn't look away from the TV, but I could see the outline of a sly smirk on her lips.

"New packaging. I'd get a knife, but your stankies are in the way." I looked over at her and, to my horror, caught a glance up her dress to see a pair of thin, black lace undies. What happened to my sister's innocence - that little girl who'd get up early in the Saturday mornings to watch cartoons had now grown into a woman capable of wearing... that.

I saw her head move and hurriedly looked back to the task at hand - the damnable paper-and-plastic wrapping. "You like my stankies, admit it." She waved her feet around my lap for me to chuckle - I'd smelled far worse. After a moment's pause, she asked: "So, what are those for? I didn't know you were on any medication."

I smirked sideways. It was one of those things I'd kept from her - one of the things I'd decided to stop keeping from her. "They're anti-depressants. Mild. Don't worry - I'm fine with the medication and the techniques the therapist gave me."

Her lips contorted into a pained, wrinkle-chinned frown and for a moment I thought I'd hear a sniffle again. Instead, she swallowed the lump in her throat and asked: "Promise? You're not gonna go dad on me, right?"

"Of course not. Who'd date my sister if I went and did myself in?"

She breathed a sigh of relief before turning to look at my now-dextrous hands. "Your corpse. So, what's the deal? How do they work? Do they have side-effects?"

I decided not to go into the details of neurochemistry and spoke instead: "It makes me not sleep all the time. And the side-effects are most prominent in the start. These days I mostly have restless legs."