All Comments on 'Fun with the Guys Pt. 01'

Love to see a new writer come on board. You set an enticing evening event, and it was sexy. You stopped short of having them go all the way, which should keep some of the religious trolls off your back. BUT, you did not proofread. There are dozens of gaffs that made it hard to read. Suggest you employ one of the free Beta Readers on here to go over it before you publish the next one. I would be happy to offer that for your next effort. Do keep 'em coming.

You now know better than to marry her, or at least you should

Quotations require quotation marks, NOT starting each line with a -.

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Look in a book. You see something like

- What treat? - Mark asked interested.

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Why? Because it's fucking stupid!

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BTW, for that,. ask & interested are redundant, and even if they weren't, interestedly would be the proper form.

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In English, that passage would be as follows.

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"What treat?" Mark asked.

"Well, since we can all agree I've been a naughty girl, I was thinking the winner should give me three slaps on my butt."

"Nice!" Ben said.

I didn't see a WIFE here! Erotic Couplings/group is where this rubbish belongs.

Don't put a dash before a character speaks, if you want to keep writing, PROOF read or get someone to do it for you. You really NEED an editor. 1*

Best new story on Lit!!

Glad to see another type of these stories but youre probably moving a little to fast. She's already naked and getting spanked from day 1? At this rate she's already going to be taking a bukkake by your next story. Slow the corruption down so it's more believable. If she's really a "loving" girlfriend that is.

'Just one of the guys' is one of my favourite stories on the site and it is great to see a new author inspired by it enough to write their own fiction.

Sadly, I have to agree with some previous critical comments. As a writer, if you want to attract readers, don't make them work hard to enjoy your story. As a writer, you should be putting in the effort to make your story more readable. Dialogue is difficult to follow at the best of times, especially when you don't conform to standard writing conventions. Readers become so used to quotation marks, we barely see them. Our brain sees them as a subconscious cue to tell us people are talking. When you start using non-standard characters it confuses our brains and takes more work to follow the narrative.

You don't have to follow each grammar rule to the letter (readers are forgiving to a degree) but you must make it clear who is talking and what they are saying. There are plenty of tutorials online that cover the basics of dialogue.

You also definitely need better proof reading passes. There are lots of basic typos - missing punction, wrong tense conjugations, commas instead of periods etc. that could be easily sorted. Also try and lay off the ellipses and exclamation marks a bit. They exist for emphasis. If you use them all the time, they become meaningless. Try and use descriptive text more, rather than relying on punctuation. If you want to emphasise text, for example when 'air' quoting, use single quotes or italics. Internal monologue should also be italicised.

First person narrative should be written completely from the main characters point of view. This makes it difficult to understand what other characters are thinking without explicit explanations. I noticed a few points where your character seemed to read other peoples minds. This can sometimes be rectified by changing the sentence slightly.

Think about pacing too. How many parts do you want this story to be?

All that being said, I think you have a lot of potential. You definitely have some good ideas. You just need a bit more experience. When you read other stories, look at how other writers structure their text. 4/5

Does anyone know similar stories to this one, aside from 'Just one of the guys'?

Good start

Amazing story!!

Dont listen to the negative comments!! The majority of readers care about the story content, not proper punctuation!

And the content of your story is super hot!!!

May seem silly, but not using quotation marks for dialog made it too difficult to get into it and I barely made it a few paragraphs. If you want more readers, use normal conventions like quotation marks.

God, reading this first chapter has me so very horny. My husband and I have fantasized about me teasing his friends. The most I have done is wear some revealing clothes around then so far. I do have one top that has a scoop neck and when I bring then beers I bend over a bit to let them see down it. God I want to do so much more!

Glad to see the great people who commented, and for the lady who told she and her husband always fantasized about teasing, I have to say, it feels amazing, go for it! Ask them for a pool party or wear short dresses with sexy underwear, it's really fun!

Good story, but it needs an edit. To many grammar issues.