Ghost

"I understand," she said. "My only hope was that someday I would find you and you would forgive me. Can you forgive me, Daddy?"

"Yes, Allicent, I know this wasn't your fault. You just got caught up in the explosion. I don't know if I could have a few years ago, but now I can." I sat for a minute and we said nothing while thoughts whirled through my mind. "Allie, I need for you to forgive me, too. I had no right to do what I did to you and Mari. I completely failed you as a man and a father. No matter what you did, you were my babies and I should have taken care of you. I should have kept track of you and made sure you had the things you needed. I was just so angry and so hurt that I couldn't get over it. Will you forgive me, sweetheart?"

"Oh, yes, Daddy!" she said. "I would probably have done the same thing, or worse, if I had been in your place. Where do we go from here?"

"Let's just take baby steps. I like your fiancé a lot," I told her. "He seems like a great guy. How did you meet him?"

She spent a long time telling me that story, and by the time she finished it was getting late. There's not much space in an RV, but I did have two good beds. There was a third, but it wasn't so good. There's not enough room in the bathroom for two people, so I went off to the facilities at the RV Park and she used the one in the RV. By the time I got back, she was ready for bed and she kissed me goodnight.

"I'm so happy, Daddy," she said as she hugged me. "It feels like a big black cloud has been lifted off me. I love you, and thank you for giving me a chance."

I squeezed her tight. "Thank you for not giving up," I said. "We're going to make it, baby."

That was one of the best weeks of my life. I don't ever remember spending a week alone with Allicent, just her and me. She was an amazing young woman. We got comfortable around each other and by the end of the first week, we were pals. We didn't spend a single minute apart and we fell in love all over again. She made me feel like the king of the world. Andrew called her every couple of days and he talked to me twice. I liked him more than I ever believed I would like one of my daughters' boyfriends. On Monday, she told me she needed to call Marisol and her mother to let them know that she was okay.

"Daddy, can I tell Mari I found you?" she asked.

"How is that going to work?" I asked. "How are you going to do that without your mother finding out?"

"I was thinking about telling her, too," she said.

I stiffened up immediately and she came to sit on my lap. She wound her arms around my neck and I relaxed.

"Dad, aren't you tired of hiding and running? How is it going to work when Andrew and I get married? I want you to give me away. I want you in my life. How can that happen if you don't face things and just get it over? Are you afraid of Mom?"

"Terrified," I admitted. "Do you think she'll try to go after me? I pretty much stripped everything I could get my hands on. I expect she could cause some legal problems for me if she wanted to."

"I don't think that's going to happen," she said. "If it does, you can just disappear again. This time, you can't disappear from me, though. I'll even help you. I'll test the water and find out what Mom is thinking. Will you trust me?"

"I do trust you, Allie," I told her. "I don't trust your mother. I need to think about this."

"Can I at least tell Mari that you'll talk to her, that she can see you?" she asked.

"Yes, but it won't be right away. Jesus, Allie, I'm just getting used to you; let me go slow. Give me a chance to get back into Dad mode, okay?"

She nodded. "Yes, I'm so sorry that I ever let you get out of it."

"I believe you, honey," I said. "Stop apologizing. It's over and we're building something else. I'm falling in love with the amazing woman you've become."

She just melted against me and we held each other, talking and whispering for hours. It was time for her to call and she let me listen. She called Marisol's phone and they talked for a few minutes. Finally, Mari couldn't wait any longer.

"Did you find him?" she asked.

"Yes, Mari," Allie said. "He's just as awesome as we remembered."

"What did he say?" Mari asked. "When he saw you, was he still mad? Did he ask about me?"

"Yeah, I found him and he didn't say a word," Allie said. "He just walked out and left us standing there. We followed him to where he was staying and Drew talked to him. I think he was just going to disappear but I literally crawled over, held him by the legs and begged him not to throw me away. He let me stay, Mari, and it's been the best week of my life."

"Did he say anything about me?" Mari asked. "Is he going to let me talk to him?"

"Yes, but not right now," Allie said. "I'm trying to figure out some way we can get you together with him without Mom finding out."

"I have no idea how to do that," Mari said. "What, are we going to sneak around? That's what started all this to begin with. Are we going to become Mom?"

"No, of course not," Allie said. "I don't know what to do either. Let me talk to Dad and we'll figure something out."

They talked for a while longer and Gwen got on the line. She insisted that she wanted to know where Allicent was and what she was doing.

"Mom, I'm an adult," Allie said. "I don't have to account to you for my whereabouts. I'm doing something personal and it's none of your business. I'm just calling you to let you know that I'm fine, I'm busy and I'll probably be here for a while. Andrew brought me here and he knows where I am."

"I'm going to make Mari tell me," Gwen said.

"Well, good luck with that," Allie said. "If she tells me that you've been bullying her I won't call you again. Mother, I love you, but this is something I have to do and I expect you to respect me and trust me enough to let me do it."

"Allicent, are you looking for your father again?" Gwen asked. "Have you found him; is that what you're doing? If you have, baby, please tell me. I won't ask where he is. Just tell me he's alive and ask him to please, please talk to me. Tell him I'm so sorry and I've changed. You know I have, Allie. Please tell him. Please, Allie, I'm begging you. If you have a shred of love for me, ask him to talk to me."

Allie looked at me and raised one eyebrow. I nodded and she mouthed a thank you to me.

"Okay, Mom. Yes, I've found him. He's alive and well and I'm with him. If you let Mari come and see him, maybe he'll talk to you. I'll ask him, okay?"

There was the sound of wracking sobs and incoherent attempts to speak for a while. Finally, she got control of herself enough to speak. "Thank you, God," she breathed. "Thank you, Allicent. Yes, of course I'll let Marisol come and see him. I won't ask any questions, just please, please find some way for me to talk to him. I'll do anything. I won't cause any problems, I swear to God I won't."

"Okay, Mom, I'll ask him," Allie said. "Love you, and tell Mari I love her. I'll let you know." She ended the call and looked at me for a minute.

I could tell she was looking for approval but I was kind of frozen. I couldn't move or speak, and my mind was whirling. I was almost in a panic. I felt as if I should jump up, push Allie out the door and drive away as fast as I could. I think she saw it in my eyes, so she ran over and sat on my lap, holding onto me like I was a life preserver and she was drowning. I felt like I was the one that was drowning.

"Just give me a minute to catch my breath," I told her.

"I'm sorry, Daddy," she apologized. "I know this is such a shock to you. It must feel like your whole life is being turned upside down again. Just tell me this: have you been happy for the last five years?"

"I've been okay," I said. "Well, no, that's a lie. No, of course I haven't been happy. I live in a freaking RV; I was cut off from everyone and everything I loved. I've been living like a fugitive. The only relationships I've had are short term and I felt like I was just filling time until I died. Hell no, Allicent, I haven't been happy. What did you think?"

I was nearly yelling by the time I finished and she cringed down a little, but she just took it. "It's okay, Dad," she said. "I understand and I know it's partly my fault. I know I deserve anything you say to me," she was crying again.

Damn, every time I opened my mouth I was making her cry. I guess all that bottled up anger and hurt was bubbling up. I had thought I didn't have those feelings any more. I guess I was wrong. I had to get a grip on that because I was hurting Allie and that's the last thing I wanted to do. I hugged her tightly.

"I'm sorry, baby; I didn't mean to yell at you. What were you saying?"

"I've been so worried about you. You're fifty-two years old. You're not getting any younger and I need you around close to me so I can take care of you."

I laughed. "You make it seem like I'm ready for the nursing home! I don't need to be taken care of; I need to take care of you, not the other way around."

"Yes, but I want to be able to see you all the time," she said. "Mari is dying without you. I'm worried about her, Dad. She's been getting more and more depressed and wild ever since you left. Mom is just a mess, did you know that?"

"No, I didn't know that. I don't keep track of her, Allie. It's not my fault, whatever happens to her. We sat down and talked about what was going to happen before I ever left on that job. You know that; you were there. If anyone had been unhappy with it, I wouldn't have done it. You all agreed. Gwen agreed. It was going to be 18 months, I was going to retire and we were all going to be together for good. Jesus Christ, Allie, it was 18 months! If she was so unhappy, why didn't she just tell me and I'd have never done it?"

"I don't know," she said. "I think she believed you would never know, things would just go back to normal and we'd all just ride off into the sunset. I know she didn't love the creep. He was just a warm body, Dad. Do you know that she hasn't been with anyone since you left?"

"No, I didn't know that. I told you I don't keep track of her, Allie. Why are you telling me this?"

"I know you don't want to hear it, Dad, but she has changed. She's worked like a dog to keep everything together. She lost her job at the school and so did the creep. She worked 3 to 11 at the hospital and then got up and went to college every day for four years. She's an RN now and she makes good money. She's made Mari and me her life. She hasn't been on a date, she doesn't socialize, nothing. She works and works out and comes home, that's it. She still loves you, you know."

"No, I don't know," I said. "I don't know that she ever did. Why would I think that?"

"Because of what she's done since you left. She pulled herself together and did what she needed to do to keep food on the table. She never went on a single date. She never tried to divorce you, even though she could have when you abandoned us. I think for the first couple of years she thought you would be coming back every day. She kept her hopes up, but she's been getting more and more desperate. She tried everything she could think of to find you. She would get her tax refund and spend every dime on detectives. Money was very tight for a long time, but she would save and pinch pennies so she could try to find you. She cries every night when she's alone in her room or when she thinks Mari and I can't see her. She works out obsessively. I asked her why once and she said that when you came back she didn't want it to be to a fat, saggy old woman. I'm afraid that she'd almost given up hope. I've been afraid she was going to take her own life. I think she was just holding on until Mari and I were on our own. I've been scared to death, Daddy."

That didn't really answer my question, but it gave me something to think about. Would a woman who didn't love me have gone through all that? Why hadn't she divorced me or found someone to replace me? Plainly, Allie thought this was information I needed to have, but the question was still hanging there.

I have to admit that I was a little shocked. I just figured Gwen was a slut and she'd be hooked up with the next guy with a hard on before I was out of town. She couldn't wait 18 months and now Allie was telling me she hadn't been with a man in five years? It just didn't make sense. Gwen had always been a magnet for men. They swirled around her like a swarm of bees and she was the honey. Now she had no social life and didn't date? Either I was wrong about her or she just got better at hiding her affairs.

"Baby, are you sure you know what's going on with your mother?" I asked. "I was gone for just a few months and she was... sleeping with that asshole. Now you're telling me that she hasn't been with a single man for five years?"

"Well, for the first few years she didn't have time," Allie explained. "She was working full time in the afternoons and going to school during the day. I expect she was exhausted. She was also dealing with two very angry daughters and the knowledge that she'd thrown away her marriage and her life just so she could fuck the asshole."

"Allie!" I exclaimed. "I don't like you to use words like that!"

"Sorry, Daddy, but that's what it was," she laughed. "I don't use words like that, but that's the only thing that fits. She didn't love him; she claims that she's never loved anyone but you. She was just horny and you weren't there. He was just a walking dildo."

"Well, I'd just as soon she had used one that didn't have legs and a chrome dome attached to it," I said.

Allie howled with laughter. "Yeah, me, too. You can't imagine how it griped my soul to have to be civil with that jerk at school. Do you think you can talk to her, Daddy?"

I could feel my stomach churning. I knew this was coming but I had been refusing to face it. Could I talk to her? Would I be calm and dispassionate or would all that rage take over and just try to destroy her? What would I say? Sorry, you're a slut and I can never forgive you? I'm still desperately in love with you? Fuck you, Gwen, I never want to see you again? Can you forgive me for never giving you a chance to fix anything? I had it to do, but my ambivalence was overwhelming.

"I have no idea what I'd say," I told her. "I have no idea what she'd say either. What is there to say? We agreed that I should go. If she'd given me the slightest indication that it wouldn't be okay, I would never have gone. Somehow, 'I'm sorry,' just doesn't seem adequate."

"I understand," she said. "I don't know what she wants to say. Maybe she wants to unsay some things. That line we handed you sounds a lot shadier to a twenty-one-year-old than it did to a sixteen-year-old. Maybe she wants to take that back. You'll never know until you hear it. At the very least, you'll fix things so you can be a part of my life and Mari's life again. I need that so badly, Daddy. Mari does, too. I worry about her."

"Anything I need to be concerned about?" I asked.

"Of course you need to be concerned," she said. "She's your daughter."

She felt me stiffen at that remark and she was instantly contrite. "Oh, my God, I can't believe I just said that. I'm so sorry, Daddy. I know we don't have any right to expect you to feel like that."

I relaxed. "No, it's okay, baby. You're right. I've been a terrible father. If I'm going to be around, I need to be concerned. It just felt for a long time like none of you were concerned about me."

"No, that's not true," she protested. "There was that short time when I was so stupid and I know that I just didn't think about you. Before, and after, you were the most important person in the world to me. Mari feels like that, too. So does Mom. God, Daddy, you're all I've thought about for five years. Well, for the last four years, I've thought about Drew, too, but I'm very concerned about you. Don't ever think I'm not. I swear I'll never give you a reason to feel like that again."

She snuggled up against me and I squeezed my princess. "It's a lot to get used to again," I said. "What's Mari doing that I should be concerned about?"

"You'll have to get her to tell you," she said. "I think once she gets a chance to see you and to know you still love her, she'll be fine. You do still love us, don't you Dad?"

I kissed the top of her head. "Yes, I do, Angel. I never stopped loving you. I fell in love with you the first time I felt you moving around inside your mother. The first time I held you at the hospital I cried like I was the baby. I didn't ever want to let you go. I was ready to fight the nurses when they tried to take you back to the nursery. I felt the same way when Mari was born. Look what you've become, too." I looked down at my beautiful daughter. "You're just a gorgeous woman. Andrew is a lucky man. You have a beautiful personality and you're as smart as your mother."

"She can be pretty dumb sometimes," she giggled. "Daddy, what are we going to do? We need a plan."

We hashed one out. I still had a couple of months of work to do before I would be free. It was late spring and Allie was already out of college. Mari would be out in two weeks, just about the time Andrew was expecting to come back. We decided that Allie would fly out to meet him and Mari would come and stay with me until I had my obligations cleared up. When I was free to leave, she would drive back with me and I'd see about arranging to see them on a regular basis.

I had trouble sleeping that night. I tossed and turned for a couple of hours, my brain spinning a million miles an hour but unable to get any traction. I got up and got a bottle of water. Allie was asleep and I watched her for a minute, thoughts swirling through my head. Her lips were slightly parted and the covers rose and fell with her breathing. God, she was perfect! I marveled at her. How could such flawed people as her mother and I produce that? I went back to bed and worried.

Was it possible that I'd been horribly, tragically wrong five years ago? Should I have stayed and fought, tried to make things work? I realized what a coward I was. I'd tucked my tail and run. I sure as hell didn't deserve what they'd done. I knew that. I'm as stupid and mistake prone as the next guy, but I didn't deserve that! I knew I was sort of an inflexible bastard about some things, but was I really that bad? Could Allison be right? Did Gwen really love me and this had just been some sort of weird aberration? How the hell would I ever know? Did I even want to know? I never wanted to feel the kind of pain I felt then again. I knew that for sure. If I got friendly with Gwen again, I was just opening myself up to all that angst and heartache all over again. Allison said she had changed, but could I really trust that? Had I changed? I'm not usually that introspective but I realized that I had changed and most of it wasn't change I liked. I had become morose and sullen. Allie was changing that and I liked myself better. Mari might make that change even more pronounced. If I could open up enough to have that talk with Gwen, would I change again and would it be something I wanted? I had no idea about the answers to any of those questions. When sleep took me, I had decided that there was no way to answer those questions without actually living through the events that would answer them. I was just going to have to bite the bullet and see what happened.

The next morning, we got the RV ready to travel. We had become best buds and I hated to see her go at the airport. She was still that beautiful little girl that stole my heart the first fifteen years of her life. We were comfortable talking about anything or nothing. Ghosthood isn't all it's cracked up to be, and I was realizing how much I'd missed. I spent a lonely night in the RV and drove it back to pick Marisol up at the airport. Allie had set everything up and I hadn't yet spoken to Mari. I didn't know what to expect.