Ghost

I sat forward and buried my face in my hands. The tears came and I felt like someone had ripped open my heart. All the years of loneliness and pain and heartache just felt like they were crushing me. I began to think I was going to pass out. The sound of weeping filled the RV and I began to feel short of breath. I had to get out of there.

I stood up, preparing to walk outside and I was buried under an avalanche of women. They pushed me back down and they were all over me. Someone gave me a bottle of water and I drank it all. I was leaning back against the back of the sofa and Allie and Mari were on each side of me, their arms around me, heads buried in my chest as they sobbed. A nearly hysterical Gwen was on my lap and Mom was kneeling at my feet, her head on my knees with her arms around my legs. All I could hear was "Sorry," and "Love you" and "never let you go or hurt you again."

I was just feeling overwhelmed. "Please, Caine," Gwen was begging. "Don't leave us again. I'm sorry, I should never have agreed to this. It's too much."

"I'm not leaving," I told her. "You girls are leaving. I've got to get some elbow room. I'll be back. I won't leave town."

"Like hell we are," Mari said. "Allie and I are going with you. You need us, Daddy and we aren't about to let you go off alone. Gram, you and Mom need to give Dad some space."

"Caine?' Mom was pleading with me.

"Yes, Mom, I forgive you. You've got a lot of work to do before it's going to be okay between us. Do you understand?"

"We'll leave you alone now." she said.

She and Gwen got out and they stood with their arms around each other as we drove away.

Allie was very upset with me. "I can't believe you said that," she was crying. "You just wish you'd driven away and left me! I thought you said you love us and then you say something like that!"

"I'm sorry, honey, I was really hurting, okay. I didn't mean it. God, you're the only good things in my life now. You two mean everything to me."

"So that makes it alright to say mean things to us?" Mari said. "You're hurting so you want us to hurt, too? Well guess what, Daddy; you got what you wanted. Now we all just feel miserable. I know what we did, but when you tell someone you forgive them and you love them, you just can't keep beating them up!"

I pulled into a convenience store and killed the engine. I climbed into the back with them and pulled them down on the bed with me. "I'm so sorry," I said as I held their trembling forms against me. "I'm just nearly out of my mind. I don't think you realize how hard this is for me. I've spent years trying to bury everything I felt so I could just survive. I was lonely constantly and the people I counted on the most were the people I had to forget about. Then Allie shows up and makes me pull up all that emotion I tried to bury. Mari, you came and I had twice as many feelings to deal with. Then there's your mother. I love her, girls. I never stopped loving her no matter how hard I tried. She's just devastated me. She's even more wonderful than she was when we first met. It's like she's the same but even more loving and just mature and stable in ways she never was before."

They were listening intently and they had stopped crying. "Daddy, that's wonderful, not bad," Mari said. "I'm so happy about that I could just scream."

"Me too," Allie said. "So why that outburst? It seems like everything is going well to me."

"Well, it was your grandmother," I said. "Your grandfather was part of it, too. I spent a lot of time over the last five years hating them. I still feel like that about him. He isn't even apologetic or remorseful. I could tell Mom was. She was horribly and tragically wrong and she knows it. She's right. She was devoted to me when I was little and all my life. I can't forget that. She sacrificed for me, fought for me and would have done anything for me to be happy. She obviously feels the same way now and it just tore me up inside. I felt like I was drowning and I just panicked. Do you forgive me?"

"Of course, Daddy," Mari said. "What kind of people would we be if we didn't when you forgave us?"

"I knew it wasn't going to be rose petals and soft music," Allie said. "I kind of expected you to blow a gasket a long time ago. I knew we were going to have to work hard and there would be times when those feelings would come back. You can yell at us, Dad. We deserve it and we'll take it. It's going to hurt us, but it's nothing compared to what we did to you. Now, let us up and take us to those apartments."

I gave them one more squeeze and we went apartment shopping. They hated the first few we looked at. They didn't have enough room for the three of us, let alone four or five. I hadn't been aware that they intended to spend so much time with me. They wanted their own bedrooms and they didn't like the kitchens either. Another had only one bathroom. They wanted one of their own and wouldn't hear of sharing mine.

It was nearly five before we found one that we all liked. I signed the contract and they told me I could move in after two days. I wanted to go to a RV park but the girls griped about that so much that I agreed to park in their driveway until the apartment was ready.

Mom and Dad were gone when we got back and I could see Gwen standing in the front window looking out and wringing her hands. She came running out when we pulled up and before I was hardly stopped she was pulling me out. She held me tightly and shook like she had a fever.

"Is everything okay?" she asked. "You aren't going to leave are you? Please don't leave, Caine."

I reassured her that I wasn't leaving and she calmed down. I ate supper with them and Mari slept in the RV with me.

I had a lot of business to get done Monday. I took Gwen with me and we went to her bank. It took a while for me to get the money I had stashed away back out of the accounts around the world. I opened an account and transferred half of it into my account. Over Gwen's strenuous protests, I transferred the other half into her account. I should have left half of it with her to begin with and I felt bad about making them scrounge around to live for so long. Making it right assuaged my conscience a little. At a stroke, she had enough money to do nearly anything she wanted to. Her credit was a mess because of what I had done and I felt bad about that, too.

She didn't seem angry with any of that but I felt like a total ass. I asked her if she wanted to go car shopping. She wanted to talk about it first. We went to lunch and I told her I wanted to buy her and the girls a car. She got tears in her eyes and absolutely didn't want to do it. I told her I wanted them to have safe and reliable transportation. I said if they wanted me to be her husband and the girls' Dad, by God I was going to do the things Dads did. "Dads buy their girls cars," I told her. "Husbands get cars for their wives, too."

"My car is fine for me," she said. "I don't mind so much getting something for the girls, but I can take care of myself."

"I know you can," I told her. "You've been taking care of everyone. If you want me to stay, you're going to have to let me take some responsibility. I want you to have a better car. I'm afraid yours will break down and leave you and the girls stranded somewhere."

She finally agreed to go and look. I needed wheels myself and I needed to get rid of the RV. I needed help to do that. Lilly was going to have to come up and sell it unless she wanted it. I found a truck I liked at the third place we went. It was a two-year-old Dodge Ram 4x4 stretch cab with the hemi. I liked the idea of the four-wheel drive and I talked Gwen into trading in her car on an Escalade. I've never liked buying new cars and the Escalade only had 28,000 miles on it. It had all the bells and whistles and they agreed to service and detail it for her to pick up the next day. I wanted something special for the girls. I asked Gwen what they liked. She told me they liked the new Camaros and Challengers. We looked at the Challengers. I'm a Mopar guy and I felt like I was betraying a principle by getting the Escalade for Gwen.

I wanted a new car for the girls. They needed something just about as reliable and easy to take care of as we could get. There were three models and we got them the RT. It was black and shiny and I just thought it fit them perfectly.

Gwen drove it back to her place and I drove her car. The girls weren't home when we got there and she invited me in. We sat on her sofa and she cuddled up to me. "God, I've missed this, Caine," she told me. "I've always just felt so safe and warm when I could be close to you. I'm going to want to do this a lot."

I nuzzled her ear and she giggled. "Me, too," I said. I was just about to slide one hand up under her shirt when I heard car doors closing outside. The girls came in and they had Mom with them. Her face burst into a big smile when she saw Gwen and me all snuggled up together.

"Whose car is that?" Allie asked.

"Do you like it?" Gwen asked.

"I love it," she said. "Whose is it?"

"It's mine," Gwen told her. "I decided it's time I had a car as hot as I am."

Mari rolled her eyes. "I think someone is having a mid-life crisis," she said.

"I think so, too," I said. "I just think you girls are awfully young for a mid-life crisis."

Their eyes got big and round and Mari squealed. "Really? Are you serious? Mom, is that really our car?"

"It is," she smiled at them. "Your father and I decided you needed it. He paid for it, but you girls deserve it."

They were chattering a mile a minute and they couldn't get the keys and get out the door to drive it fast enough. That left me, Mom and Gwen alone.

"Did we interrupt something?" Mom gave me an arch look.

"None of your business, you dirty old woman," Gwen said. "Why don't you go away and then you won't be interrupting anything?"

Mom walked over and hugged us both. "Caine, I still don't know where I stand with you," she said. "I can't sleep, can't eat and it's tearing me up inside. Please don't leave me in suspense. I love you and I need you to forgive me and love me. You're my only child and I've been dying inside for five years. I'm so sorry, honey."

"Yes, I know, Mom," I said. "Will you have lunch with me tomorrow, just you and me?"

Her face lit up. "Oh, yes! I'll do anything with you I can."

She left, hopeful at least, and I directed my attention back to Gwen.

"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen," I told her. "I loved you with all my heart. I also love who you've become. I think you're a better person. You grew up, Gwen."

"I know," she said. "I'm sorry it took me so long. Do you think we can ever get back to where we were?"

"No, I don't think so," I said. "I'm not even sure I would want to be there." She looked at me and I could tell she was scared. "Why don't we shoot for something new?' I asked. "Something better than what we had before?"

She smiled and pressed those luscious lips against mine. "I'd like that," she said.

That was three years ago, and we just got back from the church a few hours ago. It took a while, but we renewed our vows. Allie and Andrew are married and have a baby girl. Mari is engaged to a wonderful young man in law school. Both girls are still in school. Allie is working on her PhD and Mari will graduate next year. She plans to go to law school. Mom and I are back on an even keel. She's back to her sweet, loving self and she shows me every day how much she loves me. Dad finally got around to that apology but it hasn't been the same. We can stand to be in the same room, but it's an uneasy truce. I still think he hasn't admitted to himself that he was wrong and he obviously still thinks I'm an asshole. I can live with that. I have girls that love me. Gwen and I, we still have our moments. A dark shadow occasionally drifts over our lives, and when she feels me withdrawing and slipping away, she is naked in seconds, that pneumatic body against mine and she loves the darkness away. Those bad days are just memories. Even ghosts have to become flesh and blood eventually, or just fade away.