Good Bye My Love

"I sure could use some, now," Kitten sighed.

"Try the glove box, Kat. There might be some left in there," I smiled, glancing over to see Kitten reaching for the dashboard.

"No spearmint in here, but it's stuffed with papers from the... hospital," she said, pausing, as she sorted through the stack.

"I brought those from... Momma's room... afterward. Guess, I shoved them in there and forgot to take them into the house. Things were chaotic that last day," I mumbled, thinking of collecting the remnants of Katelyn's emergency go-bag, for hospital runs. That jumble in the glovebox was gathered after her very last stay.

"Daddy, this one isn't a hospital paper. It's an envelope addressed, 'My Dearest Darling,' in Mom's handwriting," Kitten held it, stared at it, then looked, with wonder, at me.

A lump formed in my throat, as Kitten read the front. Her voice was barely audible, sounding just like her mother's voice, as she turned it over.

"What's S.W.A.K., Daddy?"

"An acronym used before telephones became ubiquitous and certainly the Internet, honey," I managed to croak out the words. "Girls used to write real love letters to their boyfriends back then. After they licked the envelope, they would put a lipstick kiss on it and would write that on the back. It means: 'Sealed With A Kiss.'

Kitten smiled as I looked over at her grinning. "Strawberry Red," she chuckled, holding up the envelope for me to see.

'Strawberry Red' was what Katelyn was wearing as her hand slipped from mine at two o'clock in the morning. She had insisted, that evening, on playing dress up. Even though she was in her hospital gown and in a great deal of pain. That was the day our world spun out of control; what little we had over it.

"Go ahead... open it, Kitten."

"But it's addressed to you, Daddy. Don't you want to read it...first," she hesitated.

"It's okay, Honey. If it's something Mom wrote, I'm sure it was meant for both of us. Besides, I'd like to hear her voice again. Yours and Mom's sound so much alike. It would be as though she were here with us again, probably telling us some joke."

I watched as Kitten carefully opened the letter, trying not to tear the S.W.A.K. seal. Trying to preserve a remnant of Katelyn's last acts. She scanned it quickly, then choked. Softly, she proceeded to read it to me, as I drove homeward bound.

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My Dearest Darling

My Dearest Darling,

Babe, today my mind is lucid. I feel a sense of clarity, more so now, than in days past. Perhaps it's the calm before the storm, because I know what's coming. I hope I can remain this way... to the end. But this letter is here for you, in case... well in case, I've slipped away; before I find the courage to tell you this in person. Babe, the time has come to leave you. I hope we have time for one more kiss. Then I'll close my eyes and I'll be on my way.

By holding back your emotions, I know you think that puts on a show of strength for Katrina. But baby, that's not what she needs, now. She needs to know you have feelings; you can still love; and most of all she needs your devotion. Embrace my wishes; I've shared those with Kitten. Those are my gifts to the two of you. I want you to see me in her, each time you are together. It will be my reminder, that I love you both, forever.

My Darling, it's okay to grieve for me. Don't hold it inside of you! Because Katrina adores you, she's going to attempt to hold back, too. That's not good, babe. I know from firsthand experience how that goes. So, cry out, cry me a river, so later you'll be able to comfort her. She's going to need to cry out and grieve, too. Kitten's going to need that now more than ever. Take her, my Darling; she will make you stronger. It will show our baby girl that our love was true.

When I was young, in my darkest hour, I found I was strongest; after I cried a river. Marie was there for me, then. Look for her, Ray, now. I know, she has the strength to help you both through my last wishes for the two of you.

So, cry for me, now, cry me a river; just know it's all right. Babe, there's no shame in that. Let the tears flow my love; don't hold back. Your support for Kitten will be stronger, after that.

For what's coming, I need you to be strong, at the end.

Our baby girl is going to need you; to be strong for her, too.

Know, that at the end, if I am not lucid enough to say it... I love and have loved you with all of my heart. I've cherished our times together and the cute baby girl, now a woman, we created. She's my last gift to you. Love and cherish her, too.

Sweet Kisses My Love,

Your Loving Bride Forever,

Good bye,

Katelyn

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I Should Have Cried a River

I listened to Katrina's voice; as she read Katelyn's last letter. I was so angry and mad at the world at the time, that I wasn't thinking about my actions, and just stuffed the papers into the glovebox. I never thought to look and see if some were Katelyn's personal things from the hospital nightstand.

It was blind rage, I was experiencing -- not the need to cry a river. Had I seen and read the letter; I'm sure I would have right then and there. Instead, I held the hurt inside and presented a stoic face to the world, as Katrina clung to my side. The doctor and the nurses left us alone with Katelyn; right after she slipped away. Those final moments, where there should have been a river of tears--were just dry eyes of pain. It wasn't until I was alone in the car that grief overtook me; there, I cried my own river of tears inside the hospital's darkened garage. I failed to show Kitten that side of me. Kitten saw only the dry-eyes and boxed her own feelings inside, as well. Just as my Darling said she would. I saw the effect it had on her, but I didn't know how to deal with that. I let it fester. I should have held her in my arms, and together, cried a river.

"Daddy..." Kat whispered. Her voice tremored; the rest left unsaid.

"Babe?" I replied, hoping there was more that she wanted to tell me. Something that would answer what happened this past week with Marie. Was it something Katelyn already knew that had helped Kitten to come around?

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I Cried a River, too, Daddy

After reading Mom's letter, I struggled with how much to tell Daddy, about my stay with Marie. Should I tell him everything--about practically killing Marie--or just in the end, how she saved me? Maybe Marie had already spoken to him about that. Though from what I read in his demeanor, it didn't seem as though he had a clue. Dad was always easy to read, so perhaps, Marie had kept quiet, too.

Marie is a double-edged sword, I learned--she cuts from either side. Was her allegiance to me as a patient; or to Daddy, perhaps a patient, too? On the other hand, Marie had her own interest in Daddy, as part of her throuple connection with Mom and Daddy long ago. She wanted to rekindle that, she had said. She was both a cold-calculating bitch and, maybe, a bridge over troubled waters, also. In either case, she'd cut me with both edges of her sword; trying to sever my bond to Daddy.

I'd have to keep her under a watchful eye.

In a state of equivocation, I watched Daddy's watery eyes, as he drove us homeward bound. I finally made up my mind. I was determined to step on that 'bridge over troubled waters' that Marie built, and tell Daddy at least some of what happened at the hospital. To tell the whole of it, would tear his heart apart just now. I would tell it, though, and more gently than Marie. I was certain, as I broke some of the news to him, while he drove.

"Daddy, just so you know, I did cry a river. Just not then, when Mom indicated we should. It happened when I was at Marie's hospital. I... found myself angry and desperately wanting Mom. It was something Marie managed to bring out of me. I found myself in her arms, crying just like Mom wanted. As Marie held me, I felt Mom's arms wrapped around me instead. Daddy, I believe Mom came back for me, just for a bit, in that hug with Marie."

"Kitten, I know it must not have been easy, for you, at the moment. But I'm glad to know you fulfilled your Mom's wishes--about grieving. Are you..."

"I'm not sure if I'm anything right now... Daddy... but my promise to Mom is stronger. Nothing and no one; especially Marie, has been able to shake that."

"Daddy, how about you? Did you understand what Mom meant in her letter--about you and me? You see, I told you the truth; that night I slipped into your bed. That's what she wanted--for us to be together."

As Kitten spoke, I realized she was still adamant about her promise to take on Katelyn's conjugal role. I heard her voice stressing those words in the letter as she read them aloud. The letter seemed to lean that way, but still; it goes against all our norms...

I heard a long sigh and then a sniffle; I glanced over at Kitten. Her emerald eyes were brimming, then the cascading rivulets descended as the sounds of her sobs joined in. I stopped the car, at the first place I found to pull over. Arms around each other, we cried our separate rivers, until they flowed into one unified confluence, like the mighty Mississippi carrying its muddy waters down to the delta. In the midst of all those cornfields, I heard a whisper of a faraway voice,"Dearest Darling, your support for Kitten will be stronger, after you've cried a river, together."

There was a moment of clarity in those words. Katrina needed me, now, more than ever. I acceded and, now, was determined to give her what she needed.

"Kitten, I'm okay with your promise to Mom; I am, if that's truly what you want. Know that if you change your mind sometime down the road, I am okay with that also. I want you to be happy either way."

I didn't get an answer from Kitten. Just more sobs, but between them, she gave me an affirmative nodding of her head against my shoulder. That was just as good an answer one could get, under the circumstances surrounding that long flowing river of tears.

After the ebbs and wanes, the confluences diminished. I hugged her tightly and gave Kitten a fatherly kiss. We got back under way, northward bound, again. In silence, I watched Kitten re-reading Katelyn's letter. She placed it back in the envelope, turned it over, and placed her lips upon the 'Strawberry Red' S.W.A.K and held it for a lingering moment.

My eyes got misty again. We continued northward, zipping past row after row, and field after field of tall corn. Kitten seemed entranced, her head leaning against the window, staring out at the fields. I couldn't begin to fathom what was going on in that pretty head leaned against the window. Her countenance appeared inscrutable, as though her mind was so far away. Yet now and again, I saw a small grin form upon her lips. Perhaps something good did come out of the hospital stay. I didn't have the courage to ask her any more about the week with Marie at the hospital. I knew that if, and when, she was ready; she would share those. Now wasn't the time for that, I supposed.

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Hush Little Baby

I heard a sound, like background noise from the radio, but not that raucous; besides it was off. The sound was soothing and familiar. In the lull and soft gentle swish of the air conditioning system, battling the ambient heat, I finally realized the source. Kitten was humming. It brought a gentle smile to my lips. It was a peaceful humming of an old familiar lullaby. It flowed around the car, into my ears, and through my soul.

"I remember that tune! Mom used to sing that to you when you were a baby! But I can't place the words... it's been so long."

"I guess," Kitten stopped humming for a moment, "but Marie, held me in her arms one night and sang that for me... it was in the early morning hours... I had a bad night; we had some words and it got a little... pissy... you might say. Later, she put her arms around me and rocked me to sleep, singing it to me. Marie told me, too, that Mom sang that often to me. Daddy it's called 'Hush Little Baby,' it goes like this:

Hush, little baby, don't say a word.

Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird won't sing,

Papa's gonna buy you a diamond ring

I listened to Kitten's voice as she continued the words for me. As she sang the first verse, the words came back to me, refreshed in my memories. I was hearing Katelyn sitting in her rocking chair, cradling Kat in her arms, and softly singing her to sleep, after an early morning feeding. Hearing Kitten's voice brought back the emotional joys of long, wakeful hours watching mother and daughter bond through feedings and music.

As the last words flowed from her lips, I chortled,"Kitten, you're going to make a great mother, one day!"

She glanced at me and gave me a WicKed smile, as the last words flowed from my lips.

"Daddy, one day, I'm going to marry a doctor!" she coyly announced.

'That was a first! Kat talking about marriage,' I smiled, at that out-of-the-blue comment. Her tenor was more upbeat, after that river of tears experience. "Hope he treats you like gold, sugar. If he doesn't, I'll be there to kick his--"

"Daddy!... Her name is Danielle!... And you'll most likely be kissing her ass; she's that damn gorgeous!" Kitten laughed, at the surprised look on my face.

'What the hell kind of hospital was Marie running?' I thought, as we neared the city limits.

"Kitten, is this marrying thing kind of 'all of a sudden' thing? Who is this... doctor?"

"She's brilliant, going to be a psychiatrist too, when she finishes her courses. Did I mention drop-dead gorgeous and sexy?"

"And Daddy, she also says, even though she doesn't know you yet, you are a great father. She's coming to visit us, soon, to make sure of that, too."

I grinned, at the look on Daddy's face, as he focused on driving and puffed out a deep breath as he drove onward. Marriage? Me? The idea of marrying someone like Dad had been a put off for a long time, when Mom was alive. Funny how that changed when she passed. Stranger still, was how that tingling sensation rumbled through my core when I first set eyes on Doctor Dani Bagatti. It was like having floated off the Earth and into the heavens; carried away in a euphoria of emotional and carnal bliss. I was good at multi-tasking; I could handle both. Even the third one that Dani told me about in confidence. She had withheld that from Marie at the hospital.

"Some things, you only tell the patient, Kat," she had whispered, as we finished a nice resolution in her apartment, alone, just the two of us. I knew then, I could trust my new BFF then and forever! Daddy would just have to wait for that.

And if that horse and cart turn round

You'll still be the sweetest little babe in town

Still be the sweetest little babe in town

La, la, la, la, la, la

Hush, little baby don't you cry...

Writer's Notes

Thanks goes out to kenjisato for his assistance in editing this missive. It makes my work seem so much better with the glitches ironed out under his watchful eye.

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