Government Mandated Penis Exam

And then it hit Lance. The second exam would also be a matter of public record.

Crap.

He wondered how this nightmare could get any worse. And just at the exact moment he was wondering this, unbeknownst to him, deep within Amanda's body, one of his sperm pierced through and fertilized Amanda's egg.

Work became pure hell for poor Lance. He didn't know which of his coworkers had sent a FOIA request and read all about the first exam of his penis that Amanda did. Little did he know that all 6 women and the 2 gay men he worked with had all read the report. So he always felt uncomfortable, like everyone was looking at him, like they all knew details about his body that they had no business knowing... and he was certainly right about that!

His home life was no picnic either. Emily was pregnant, and it was a difficult pregnancy, so most of the cooking, cleaning, and taking care of the 5 kids they had now fell on him. Lance was constantly under stress. Things weren't too awkward between him and Amanda, but every time he saw her was another reminder of the traumatic experience that happened to him. So there really wasn't a day that went by where he didn't think about it and relive the trauma.

Eve waited patiently for the report from the auditor about the second exam. So she got super excited when she came into the office one Thursday morning and saw she had an email from the Government Rape Prevention Task Force. Finally! The report confirmed that Amanda's failure to measure Lance's girth in the first inspection was what had triggered the second. The auditor marked that this was corrected on the second inspection and that she was confident it had been an oversight rather than deliberate noncompliance on Amanda's part.

Eve continued reading, not really seeing much else that she didn't already get from the first report she got via FOIA. And then she saw it.

9 inches long erect, 6 inches girth erect.

Holy crap. So Lance was both a grower and a shower. And that lucky bitch Amanda got to put her hands all over it.

And then she saw an even bigger bombshell.

The report said that Lance had ejaculated, and displayed violent, predatory behavior when he'd done so. The report didn't specify what kind of violent, predatory behavior Lance had displayed. That concerned Eve, because she certainly didn't want Lance working there if he was some kind of creepy sex predator. But she had known Lance for so long, and it just didn't fit with the man she thought she knew.

Finally, the report was also sent to local police, recommending that Lance be considered a suspect for any rapes that occurred in the area, and recommending that Lance should receive a complete penis exam from the police during any and all potential rape investigations that followed.

It seemed extreme to Eve, but she was someone who had faith in the government. No civil servant would write such things on official government letterhead if they weren't based on some kind of fact.

But if Lance had displayed such objectionable behavior, how come Amanda didn't say anything?

Eve called Amanda into her office, who had also received a copy of the report.

"What did the auditor mean by violent, predatory behavior?" Eve inquired.

"It's subjective," Amanda said. "He didn't seem predatory to me, but I can definitely see how it could have been interpreted that way." She knew the truth, but it wasn't her job to stand there and defend Lance, especially after Tina did her such a solid favor by letting her keep Lance's sperm.

"I don't want a predator working here, Amanda. Tell me what happened," Eve stated.

"After he ejaculated," Amanda said, trying to figure out how to phrase this in the vaguest way possible. "After he ejaculated, he thrust the cup containing his sperm into my hands, like he wanted me to see it or something."

In reality, it had been a completely innocuous act! Lance had done it reflexively, used to handing the nurse a cup of urine during physical exams. But now he was being portrayed as some sort of primitive monkey flinging his sperm at vulnerable women. It was all so unfair. If he had known this was going to happen to him anyway, he might have just gone ahead and cum right in Amanda's face like he was fantasizing about doing as she stared with her face so close to his penis.

"That sounds like sexual harassment to me, Amanda. That's very concerning," Eve said, shocked that the man she thought she knew could do something so craven and perverted.

"I am comfortable working with him, Eve," Amanda stated. "But if you want more information for your own edification, you may need to speak with Tina or with Lance."

"I plan to do that," Eve said. "And I want you here when I do."

That put Amanda in a difficult spot. If she was in the room with both Tina and Lance at the same time, she wasn't going to be able to play the middle like she wanted to. She'd have to take one of their sides. This was going to be tricky.

If she took Lance's side, Tina could expose the truth that Amanda had stolen Lance's sperm for her own nefarious purposes. If she took Tina's side, the father of the child she could potentially be carrying was going to be fired and have his name smeared, so goodbye to 18 golden years of child support.

This was such a mess.

"OK, Eve. Will you excuse me?" Amanda went to the ladies' room and barfed. Hmm. That was the second time this week.

A thought came to Amanda, but she shook her head. "No. I can't be."

Oh, but she was. She was totally pregnant with Lance's child.

Eve convinced herself that pursuing this issue was a righteous search for justice. But somewhere in the back of her mind, a part of her was hoping that by refusing to let this issue slide, she'd eventually be able to see and/or touch Lance's dick herself.

Eve called Tina, who agreed to swing by the office tomorrow to discuss the issue further in depth.

Eve sent a calendar invite to Lance and Amanda. Lance saw that Amanda and Tina received the same invitation, and the title of the meeting was "Discuss QC Exam Results." He wrote Eve an email asking to be excused. Why wouldn't this end? He'd exposed himself at work twice, gotten hard, and ejaculated in front of a coworker and a government bureaucrat. Wasn't that enough humiliation for an entire lifetime? How much longer could this drag out?

"No you cannot. You must report to my office for the meeting tomorrow at 10 AM sharp," Eve quickly replied to his email.

That night, Lance once again tossed and turned in bed. Eve knew what happened at his exam, and now he was going to have to discuss it with her, and with Amanda and Tina in the room too! And he still didn't know which of his coworkers was the secret admirer who had read the FOIA report about his first exam (it was actually all of them.)

This was two times now that Lance had thought the nightmare was over, only for it to come back to haunt him. He finally had to acknowledge that this situation was out of control and Kafka-esque... and deep down, Lance had the sneaking suspicion and fear that his nightmare was only just starting.

Lance drove to work feeling miserable. Another day at the office, another humiliating discussion of or fondling of his genitals. It was once completely unthinkable, and now it was starting to become regular. He wished he had told them to shove off the first time they requested to fondle his junk. If he had done that and quit his job, none of this would have happened. There were certain things that just weren't worth going through to get a paycheck, and Lance was rapidly getting to that point.

Amanda wasn't exactly thrilled about the meeting either. At this point, she'd gotten what she wanted. She got to see and feel Lance's hard dick, and she got a bonus that she never expected when she fingered herself to orgasm with her fingers covered in his fresh ejaculate (and, still unbeknownst to her, impregnated herself with his child in the process.)

Eve was genuinely concerned about continuing to employ Lance. If the record that Tina wrote about Lance were made public, it would make her company look pretty toxic for continuing to employ him in spite of that. He was coming into this meeting feeling annoyed and repeatedly sexually violated, but what he didn't know was that this meeting was his last chance to save his job. Eve thought over and over about Tina's notes, and the note that Lance had ejaculated in front of a coworker was already bad, but the fact that he'd ejaculated in a "violent and predatory" manner was even worse. In the back of her conscious mind, somewhere deep down that she would never admit, somewhere she was only barely aware of, Eve was actually keeping this issue alive mostly just because she was hoping that she would have an excuse to handle Lance's big fat dick with her own hands before it was all over.

Amanda arrived to the meeting first, taking a seat across from Eve. The mood was tense. Amanda didn't want to be there, but Eve was the boss, and Eve had insisted. Lance arrived next, and took the seat furthest from Amanda. If he was too close to her, he'd get hard, and that was the last thing he needed right about now.

The three sat in silence for a few awkward minutes.

Finally, Tina arrived, taking a seat halfway between Lance and Amanda. Lance noticed that Tina seemed cheery this morning. He realized now that Confucius was right: Choose a job you love and you'll never work a day in your life. Tina's job as a government bureaucrat who went around undermining and humiliating men by forcing them into awkward situations involving their penises was truly the job she had been born to do.

"Thank you for joining us," Eve said to Tina. "I really appreciate that you could be here on such short notice."

"It's my pleasure," Tina said, and Lance knew the bitch meant it.

"We're here because I was deeply disturbed when I read Tina's report about what she witnessed during your Quality Control Examination, Lance," Eve said, omitting the word "penis."

"I had no control over what happened," Lance said, helplessly. "My body reacted. I wish it hadn't. Can't we move on from this?"

"I'm concerned about this sentence right here, Lance," Eve said sternly, handing him a copy of the report with the offensive sentence highlighted.

"Displayed violent and predatory behavior upon ejaculation," Lance read. He was incredulous. What kind of ridiculous bullshit was this? "That's completely subjective, Eve. I can't prove a negative. Shouldn't the burden of proof be on Tina?"

"I'm not going to entertain the ridiculous conspiracy theory that a civil servant would be dishonest on an official government document, Lance," Eve said sternly, chastising him. She didn't want any trouble with the government going after her. She had to make it clear to Tina that she was taking Tina's report 100% seriously.

Lance looked pleadingly at Amanda, wanting her to step in and say something. She knew that it was a lie! Why was she sitting there silently? She only stared back at him blankly.

"Don't I deserve to know what was so violent and predatory?" Lance asked.

"Tina, are you able to elaborate on that?" Eve asked.

"Certainly," Tina said cheerfully. "After Lance ejaculated, he handed the cup containing his ejaculate to a female coworker. This demonstrates a few things. For one, Lance demonstrated a lack of respect for a female colleague, instinctively assigning her the lowly task of cleaning up his ejaculate. For another, Lance demonstrated that he received sexual excitement from forcing a young woman to look at and handle his ejaculate. The federal regulations are clear that this behavior designates Lance in the category of Potential Predator."

"For the record," Amanda finally interjected, "Although I respect what Tina observed in her report as an impartial civil servant administering federal regulations in a fair, impartial, and equitable manner, I want to clarify that I did not personally feel harassed by Lance's behavior."

Lance didn't know whether to be grateful for Amanda for attempting to thread the needle, or livid that she was playing the game of newspeak when what happened was so obviously the exact opposite of what Tina was describing.

"Well, where's my due process?" Lance asked. "I feel like this is a witch trial. If I'm innocent, I'm still pushed off a cliff. I can't win."

"There are options for appeal in the federal regulations, but you will have to submit to another exam," Tina said, her tone of voice betraying the deep pleasure uttering these words gave her.

"I won't do that," Lance said. "Twice was more than enough for a lifetime. I can't go through this again."

"Then you're on the Potential Predator list, Lance," Eve said matter-of-factly. "And I can't have one working here."

"So I went through all this to keep my job, and now I'm just going to lose my job anyway? This is completely unfair," Lance said. "I'm getting fired for ejaculating in front of Amanda, but I wouldn't have ejaculated in front of her if you hadn't forced me to let her fondle me twice now! Can't you see how crazy this all is?"

"I object to the word 'fondle,'" Amanda said indignantly. "I was doing my job and administering a federally-required inspection."

"OK, it was a bad choice of words," Lance relented. "But nonetheless, I had an involuntary physical response to a situation the government put me in. How can you penalize me for that? It's completely unjust."

"Rape is unjust," Tina said. "That's why we're here to prevent it. The sad thing is that you can't objectively see how your own actions are predatory."

Lance felt betrayed as Eve and Amanda nodded silently along with Tina. He couldn't believe it. Where was the loyalty?

He briefly considered submitting to another exam, but quickly put that thought out of his mind. With his luck and the way the government operated, he'd probably submit to another exam and they wouldn't take the "Potential Predator" designation away, or they'd give him some other label that was even worse.

"Is there any other way I can be removed from the Potential Predator list?"

"We have a pilot Restorative Justice program for victims of abuse and stalking," Tina answered. "If you participate in the program, we can expunge the Potential Predator designation from your record."

"If that comes off your record, I have no problem with you continuing to work here, Lance," said Eve. Maybe she wouldn't get to touch his dick as she so badly wanted to, but she had to admit deep down that she did kind of see his point, although she would never confess that to anyone else. She felt bad for the guy, but her number one priority had to be covering her own butt. And a government-designated "Violent and Predatory ejaculator" looked bad for her company, whether she personally agreed or not.

"Restorative Justice? What does this involve?" asked Lance. "I don't want to do anything else with people touching me."

As he asked, Lance thought he saw a glint in Tina's eye, as if she had just found the Golden Ticket. He knew it wasn't going to be pretty. But what other option did he have? It was either submit to whatever fresh hell Tina wanted to subject him to, or be unemployable and destitute.

Lance felt like a prisoner awaiting sentencing as they waited for Tina to explain what he was going to be required to do next.

Lance agreed to participate in the government's Restorative Justice program. Tina agreed that she would remove the Potential Predator designation once he did. Eve agreed that Lance could keep his job. Amanda secretly purchased a home pregnancy test, not sure whether she wanted it to be positive or negative.

What Lance agreed to do was going to be awful, but it was better than submitting to a third penis exam. Twice had been enough for a lifetime. Lance's wife Emily continued to be suspicious of him, as his deep depression was clearly affecting his behavior. He had no respite, and was constantly on edge both at work and at home. The government's obsession with his penis was making his life hell.

Still, he tried to stay positive for his kids and be a good father. He didn't always succeed, but he tried.

Amanda's pregnancy test came back positive, and with the timing, there was no way anybody but Lance could be the father. She knew she would have to come clean and tell him eventually, but she decided to hold off for a while. She wondered what people would say when the baby came out if it looked a lot like Lance. She wondered how Lance's wife would react, and if she would believe Lance when he explained that the baby had been conceived via stolen sperm and not from sexual intercourse. The whole story sounded pretty crazy if Lance tried to tell that to anybody. Amanda figured Lance's options would be either to shut up and pay child support, or come out with the "stolen sperm" story and have everyone think he was a liar and a deadbeat dad, which was probably even worse. Amanda figured Lance was screwed and would just have to pay her whatever she wanted to keep things quiet.

About a month later, Lance reported to a government office to participate in the Restorative Justice program. He was tied up naked and spreadeagle, and had a gag placed in his mouth so he couldn't speak. He had a sign that said "Rapist" taped to his chest. One by one, female victims of abuse were called into a room to confront Lance. He was naked and they were clothed. They had voices to speak and he was gagged into silence. The idea was that victims of abuse would confront Lance as an avatar for their own abuser, and the victims were told (falsely) that Lance himself was a convicted abuser.

For the next twelve hours, Lance endured this with no break. The women were called into the room one at a time. Women shouted vile and hateful things at Lance that he never expected to hear. Some sobbed and told Lance horrific stories and kept saying he was the one who did it to them. Some remarked on his nudity and parts of his anatomy. The worst was when one of the abuse stories inadvertently aroused Lance, which became evident to the abuse victim. It's not that Lance didn't know in his brain that her story was horrific, but sometimes men have those physical reactions in their own privacy. But Lance had no privacy anymore. Dozens and dozens of women were alone with him that day objectifying and demonizing him and his masculinity. All he could do was just lie there naked, mute, and helpless. They were forbidden to touch him, and luckily none of them did, though there was a security guard if anyone tried to.

Some of them demanded that Lance look them in the eye as they shared their stories or hurled their insults at him, and he was obliged to comply with that request. It was a really awful experience, especially since Lance increasingly thought that he himself was a victim, but instead he was being labeled and treated as a rapist. There was no clock in the room, so Lance had no idea how long it had been going on or how much longer he'd have to endure it.

After 12 excruciating hours of this that felt to Lance more like 24 hours, it was over, and Lance was able to return home. Emily asked him what was going on. She demanded to know if he was having an affair or doing something illegal. He didn't know how to explain the situation. He really had messed up not telling her about the second exam in the first place. But he finally sat down and explained it to her, each outlandish detail, each crazy plot twist, each humiliating erection and ejaculation, each and every false hope that the nightmare would end soon. He was sure he sounded crazy, but Emily assured Lance that she believed him, and she apologized that he had to go through all that. Lance felt lucky to have such a good and trusting woman as his wife.

Eve received an email from Tina with a redacted report for Lance's Quality Control Penis Exam. The redacted report still stated that Lance had ejaculated, but now omitted the words "violent" and "predatory." Eve was satisfied that the situation was resolved and Lance could continue working there.