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Click hereShe stood, taking out a pack of cigarettes and fumbled for the lighter in her coat pocket. She enjoyed the way the smoke felt in the damp weather as she took a drag. Turning to glance at the now silent officer, she noticed a shadowy silhouette in the corner of her eye standing near the far corner of the towering building near them.
Scanning the abandoned building, taking brief note of the ladder curled at the edge of the roof, her eyes settled on the still figure. She knew the young man next to her couldn't, or wouldn't see it.
Waiting, she puzzled out the motion of the feline ears, that gave her the impression her visual target was shaking her head. To answer her unspoken question a nondescript limb pointed upward.
Detective Hill grimaced and looked to the sky. There was a sun somewhere up there trying to break through the cloud cover. The detective sighed loudly to make a statement. Then followed it with, "Oh well."
She reached down, carefully undid the chain and removed the crucifix, pocketing it casually in front of Steinberg. Letting the chain remain unclasped and laying on the ground, she straightened, flicking her cigarette as far as she could from the area.
"Not mine," she said flatly, turning on her heel.
"But-" Steinberg began to protest.
She wheeled and stepped to the younger officer authoritatively. She locked eyes and cocked her head as if she was searching for something.
"You know don't you?" she asked inquisitively.
"Know? Know what ma'am?" the officer responded, unsure.
"That the world is going to hell," she answered quietly.
The officer stiffened, a common and predictable reaction in both her specialized areas of expertise. She wheeled again, calling out with a strong voice.
"Balthazar! I need to speak with you."
"Yes mistress," replied the older, heavy-set uniform.
Steinberg noted the odd usage of the title mistress instead of ma'am. He noticed both figures splashing footsteps in puddles as they walked away. He did not notice the wake from an invisible appendage parting those same puddles, as it trailed his lumbering partner.
- COMMENTS
Anonymousover 4 years agoGlad my comment was helpful for you! I realized I shouldn't have offered a critique without giving at least one small example of what I meant:
"This place really is sick," he insisted as he led her down a sparsely populated hallway. He brought her to a half filled room, spartan but furnished with serviceable futons and love chairs."
I don't even know what a "sparsely-populated hallway" means, but, IMO, this would be better as something like this, and it loses nothing of the meaning:
"This place really is sick," he insisted as he led her down a hallway to a room furnished only with futons and love chairs."
More words are not always better. ;)
SynSlaveover 4 years agoAuthorI'm smiling right now because I just removed a few adjectives from my current work that were so vanilla I wound up scolding myself (and I'm sure I can still improve on that). That's to say, your comment reinforces the direction I need to force my brain to follow.
Anonymousover 4 years agoI like your style - breathless, breezy, and sassy - perfect for a short story. I like that Haley isn't built like a perfect sex doll and has a little muffin top like a real person. The only suggestion I might make is to ease up on the adverbs and adjectives. Mostly they don't add much and just clutter up the story. There are a few editing errors, but nothing major. So, yeah - I liked it!
SynSlaveover 4 years agoAuthorI typically gravitate toward (enjoy writing) dark-fantasy, horror and science fiction; as well as more traditional reprrsentations of those genres. I plan on submitting a more traditional "sex party" for the site shortly since I'm taking the audience *here* into account, but if readers enjoy these types of stories I'll certainly be writing them more.
Comments are important to me. All comments. Thanks again,
