tagHumor & SatireHalloween - 30,000 BC

Halloween - 30,000 BC


Note to the reader: Many people have asked me how Halloween got started. Naturally they would ask me since it's well known that I know everything there is to know that's worth knowing. So this is the real story of how it all happened way back in the days when man still lived in the rough.

Ogg rubbed charcoal on his face, arms, legs and body with the end of a charred stick to blacken his skin. When he was satisfied he lifted a bowl of slurry made from white clay and water from the stream at the foot of the hill. Carefully he drew white streaks on his face, more streaks to represent the bones of his arms legs and body. "I wish I had a mirror to see how I've done," he thought to himself knowing that it would be many millennia before they were invented.

Stretching his short, hairy, legs, Ogg stood up and walked into the cave behind him shouting, "Gool!" Gool was, of course, his best (and only) friend. All his other friends had tried at one time or another to eat Ogg, so he had taken them off his friends list. Some of the more hungrily instant ones had even been put on Ignore or IGGY as they say.

Near the rear of the cave Ogg found Gool sitting on a rock staring at a cave painting of the Chief's daughter, Delish. His right hand was wrapped around his oohuu and pumped furiously on his the hard member.

"Jesus, Gool. You'll go blind if you keep that up," Ogg told his friend.

"Who the hell is Jesus, Ogg?"

Ogg was stumped. This time crap often bothered him. He knew about cell phones, Jesus, '57 Chevys and such but the Caveman's Almanac never seemed to mention these things. Even the BC Mall never carried such items. There were good luck dinosaur feet on a thong to be worn around the neck (not so lucky for the dinosaur, of course), Pterodactyl Penis Aphrodisiacs and the latest is weapons of war and hunting. Many times Ogg had stood staring longingly at the latest spearheads imported from the eastern Clovis tribes. But they were far too expensive at ten wiercat hides. "And maybe a little "swishy" in the delicate way they are fashioned too," thought Ogg.

As everyone knew, Ogg was a lover, not a fighter anyway. He would much rather spend his days stalking an available female (being politically correct, of course) caverperson with oversized chest bumps and a tight little valley between her legs. Ogg especially liked the idea that the Women's Lib Movement was thousands of years in the future. That meant if a female started her usual bitch and moan routine you could give you a good cuffing (also known as "attitude adjustment") and still get away with it. In a way Ogg longed for a time when he could have actual ropes and clamps and handcuffs and...

"Stop your fucking day dreaming, Ogg," Gool said in an loud voice that echoed through the cave. It's obvious that Gool was irritated because he hated being interrupted while he was studying the art on the walls of his cave. After all, wasn't one of the first symbols of an "advanced culture" the appreciation of the finer cave art decorations? And the picture of the Chief's daughter definitely had some nice bumps decorating her chest too. In fact, this woman's chest bumps were a matter of constant discussion among the males in the village. But Gool had never heard anyone discuss the valley between her thighs and it was assumed by everyone that she "never put out" as the saying goes.

"Now who's daydreaming," demanded Ogg. "I have an idea about a thing I call a Holiday. I think I'll call it Halloween."

"Halloween? Where did you hear that word, Ogg?"

"I just made it up. But that's not important. You have to disguise yourself like I've done then..."

"Wait a minute, Ogg. I can still tell that's you. I don't think your disguise is working. The stupidest T. Rex could tell that's still you."

Ogg rolled his eyes in frustration. "It doesn't matter. Just do it. Then we take soap and mark all over the neighbor's windows and ..."

Gool looked more confused than he usually did. "Windows? What the fuck are windows? And what the hell is soap? Something else you made up?"

"Look. I have to do something I call 'Trick or Treat' and our trick will be soaping windows."

"Hmm. We'll skip the soap and windows for now. But what's the treat?"

"Well, I don't know yet. I haven't thought that far ahead. But I'm not worried. It will come to me," Ogg said smiling.

"Well, if we are going to do this you better be thinking fast because we don't have soap, whatever that is."

Ogg really hated Gool sometimes. In Ogg's estimation Gool had some un-evolved logic patterns that he found irritating from time to time. "Just never mind that. I'll figure it out soon enough. Now get disguised."

"So what are you supposed to be disguised as, Ogg?"

Again Ogg rolled his eyes. "Isn't it obvious? I'm a skeleton."

Gool didn't say anything. It was completely clear to him that Ogg simply needed a shower using the soap that hadn't been invented yet. The shower hadn't been invented yet either, for that matter.

"I think I'll go as a bear," Gool thought out loud picking up a bear skin rug from the floor of the cave. Wrapping it over his shoulders he tied if close around his middle with a leather thong. The head of the bear perched on top of his head. "But I'm going to be honest, Ogg. I'm not really getting the significance of this holiday. Does this celebrate some spirit of the forest or something?"

Ogg simply shook his hear while, together the two men left the cave. "Let's go to the Chief's cave and try this out," Gool told Ogg, thinking of getting a glimpse of the Chief's daughter's chest bumps.

Ogg considered this. "That could lead to trouble. I think we need to work the kinks out of Halloween before we try this on the Chief, Gool."

"Hmm. Maybe you are right, Ogg. Why not try it on Hhggnnkk?" Hhggnnkk had shown up in the cave village some time before claiming to be from a far away place called Slovakia where they didn't have any vowels. It was considered a rather backward place by the cave villagers. But the two men went toward the east and soon came to Hhggnnkk's cave.

"Now look, Gool. We ring the doorbell and..."

"Wait. Doorbell?"

"Oh shit. Okay. We go to the cave entrance and yell. How's that?"

"Do we yell together or alternately?"

"Together. Okay? Stop asking stupid questions."

So together the two tried to yell the name, Hhnnggkk, but without vowels they found it quite impossible. If anything it sounded like the two men were vomiting on Hhnnggkk's cave step.

Hhnnggkk rushed to the door. "God damn it!" he screamed. "I just cleaned that up."

"Who the hell is this 'God damn it'?" wondered Gool.

Ogg jabbed Gool in the ribs with his elbow. "TRICK OR TREAT!" they screamed in unison.

Hhnnggkk's face became red with anger. "I suppose this is another one of your strange ideas Ogg. Now get the hell off my cave porch and leave me alone." Hhnnggkk crawled back into the darkness of his cave.

Now it was Ogg's turn to turn red with anger. "Where can we get a paper grocery bag?"

"A what? And what the hell for?"

"I had this idea of filling a paper bag with Dinoshit and setting it on fire in front of his cave. Then yelling at him, then running and hiding to watch him stomp out the fire."

"Ogg. I hate to tell you this, but it's 30,000 BC. They haven't invented paper yet, let along grocery stores."

"Shit!" was all Ogg could say.

"You know, this hasn't gone all that well, Ogg. Maybe we should just give up."

"Give up? Never! That guy is a throw back to the pre-human specie. Didn't you notice the protruding brow ridges and underdeveloped brain cavity? Let's try another cave. We really need someone more evolved to get into the spirit of this holiday."

So the two went south down the hill to the cave of Mog and began yelling in unison.

Mog came to the opening of his cave. "What the fuck are you doing?" he demanded.

"TRICK OR TREAT," Ogg and Gool said together.

"What the fuck is that?"

"You have to give us a treat or we soap your windows, Mog," Ogg said thrusting out his chest proudly.

"I'll give you my foot up your ass if you don't get away from my cave and leave me alone." Mog wandered back into his cave.

"Okay. I admit it. This was a really bad idea," Ogg told his friend. "I'm going home."

"You can't quit yet, Ogg. We still have to try this out on the Chief. He might make this an annual event on October 31st after they invent calendars," Gool said, even though his mind was really wandering to the chest bumps on the Chief's daughter.

Reluctantly Ogg followed Gool to the cave of the Chief. "TRICK OR TREAT," they yelled until the Chief's daughter, Delish, came to the cave entrance. "So where's the Chief?" asked Ogg.

"Oh, he's out somewhere. He said something about trying to screw a cave bear or something. He won't be back for hours. So what are you guys up too?" Delish asked, batting her eyes and shaking her chest bumps in their direction.

"I have started a new holiday. I call it Halloween," Ogg told her.

"So what's supposed to happen on this Halloween? We raid another tribe and eat their shaman or something? I always like doing that."

"Oh, nothing like that. It's very friendly. We go from cave to cave yelling Trick or Treat and you either give us a treat or we soap your windows," Ogg told her proudly.

Delish looked confused. "Soap? Windows? What the fuck..."

"Never mind, Delish. Those haven't been invented yet. So, you'll just have to give us a trick," Gool said, rubbing his tummy in anticipation of some goodie like a Brontosaurus leg or maybe even a Stegosaurus flank steak.

"Well, I really don't have anything in the cave to give you. I haven't been shopping at the cave mall for days. But maybe we can work things out. Come on in. Follow me and we'll see what happens," Delish said throwing off her wiercat skin camisole, wiggling her naked butt and walking seductively towards the pile of skins at the rear of the cave.

"Damn," exclaimed Ogg. "Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all," he said, dropping his sabercat skin loincloth and rubbing his oohuu in anticipation.

Note: So you see, dear readers, Halloween is a very old holiday and can be celebrated in many ways as long as you forget the soap and enjoy the treat.

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