All Comments on 'Happy Hollowdays Pt. 04'

Hmn , hard decision , honestly I don't "believe" the story . trying to put myself in the MC , I was hurt by my best friend , my fiancée and all who were important to me , several times in a row . it's like a boxing match when too much is beaten into you over and over again , you give up or hit back .... you don't say "thank you and please again".

Miss met him under false pretenses, was set on him with a "manual" of how he ticks and he just swallows it and trusts her again because he fell in love with her?

For this, the picture of the relationship between the two should have been better illuminated. The picture I imagine after the story looks more like the MC, all 3 sends to the devil, disappears, would do something to themselves or gives them some "medicine". A nice wedding gift in front of all the people at the wedding highlighting the character qualities of her , him and the in-laws .

just my 2 cents

Ok, I ran out of gas.

<>

So Swiss Miss is just as verbose and analytical as Tim? Their marriage will be a disaster. By the time they finish discussing the taking out of the trash, the truck will have already come and gone.

<>

You teased us with a blowjob. But I was expecting more of a—ahem—blow-by-blow with Tim lovingly taking her ass.

Dear God, please let this atrocity be over.

cucks get one star

personally I'd like to be Tims friend, im pretty sure after I rape his wife in front of him and bash her skull in with a hammer he will give me twenty grand to move on with my life

.

so to recap,

his friend betrayed him

his fiance betrayed him

his second mom betrayed him

the woman who's marriage he saved betrayed him

his sister betrayed him

.

and his ex fiance has such little hold over him the cuck did as she commanded and married the hooker she hired to be her apology/reparations? A hooker she didnt even pay for herself, but got HIM to pay for?

.

Honestly you should have named this shit swallowing cuck John

Good ending!

5

The first 3 parts were good, but his one was just constant "Tim is so awesome!". Brenda and Andy hiring his new bride was just dumb. And never having the closure with the ex just left it unsatisfying.

Also Swiss Miss never considering saving anal for marriage was also dumb.

Well, Chopped, I saw it through. Pretty good all in all but you forgot to mention that Tim farts rainbows and rides a unicorn - not in the biblical sense of course.

That said, keep writing and good luck with future endeavours. I try to be both honest and fair with reviews, just as I hope people will be with me.

Okay…

I really, REALLY, enjoyed this story. However, I really wanted a longer epilogue, I was so wrapped up in Anni/Christina’s dialogue I was hoping to hear more of their life together.

Now on the other hand, there are some truly vile people, villan’s in the loving wives category, however to me, Andy and Brenda are the worst. That they are remorseful, who cares, Brenda’s broken about it, cry me a river. Each time i heard about how upset they were about how they screwed Tim over and were more happy together, I wanted to wish them a really shitty life together. They did NOTHING for Tim, but hut him over and over and over. They knew he loved Christmas, well lets get married on CHristmas so that when Tim finds out he will be hurt more, but oh wait, we love him so much that he let us be together.

They are truly and utterly despicable as Loving Wives villans.

Jill and Gary, should have come over and spent time with Tim after their reunion, not sent Christina the care package.

Tim and Christina, they did make me smile, I loved their chemistry and they deserve every happiness. I hope the others have absolute disdane for themselves for the years to come and have a hard time finding happiness in anything for what they did to him.

Thank you so much for writing this one, very much enjoyed it.

Terrific story and appreciate your work!

Crazy emotional plot lines and supporting narrative made my head spin. Again. Pretty decent ending, albeit predictable. 4*

Glad this wimpy - random word generator - author is done with this. What a load of BS 1*

Good story with a nice ending. Probably more verbose and drawing than it needed to be, but a nice tale. Thank you for sharing.

I very much disagree with how you portray "love" happens.

Too long. Overly wordy. Melancholy to the extreme.

I loved it. Wonderful story. 5*

Much better chapter, but still some hellfire should have rained down on best friend. He was never a friend. Also should have been consequences for therapist mother of best friend, very unethical.

Long. Very long. Too long for me.

It started so well and I gave you 5 stars for the beginning.

But why did you drag the rest out and thenyou introduced very unlikely things?

2 whores that offer anal as a start? And both are not whores at all?

And both more or less fall in love for him?

Plus the oral repentence of his former best friends, which is in NO way supported by their actions?

In the end I can not give you more than 3 stars for the whole story.

You write so well, may be your next story will be a little shorter and a bit more real?

I am really looking forward to reading it!

Well done. Insightful about the true meaning of love. Of perceiving that one must be married to someone who really doesn't love you the way love should be, that this is wrong. Thank you for this wonderful story. Your story is well crafted and very tight. K

A lot of effort, but your plot needs to have more action, and far too many words are wasted on redundant or uninteresting psychological descriptions. I think you can do better.

Thank you. Your series brought tears to .y eyes many times. The emotions were visceral and deeply affected me. The ending gave me hope and made my heart a little happier. You are an outstanding writer. Again, thank you.

The story as a whole was a bit overly dramatic and repetitive. I think having Tim explain the same exact thing to 3 different people made the story a bit too drawn out.

A fantastic story, 5*, touching and warm ending. You also brought out the pain and suffering one would have going through devastating loss. Thank you for writing this story

Good lord. Okay, in the interest of tamping down the cruelty, I’ll just say this: next time, fight the urge to use every fifth paragraph to summarize what you’ve already written. After that, practice writing dialogue instead of turn-taking monologues.

3*. I really want to score higher, however you made a critical early error that I could not shake in the reading. You wrote from his POV, made him a person whose chief ability was to simplify complex issues in writing and then through redundancy and excess verbiage proved that he more probably a technical writer. Any one who has ever read a manual knows that technical writers cannot simplify picking their own nose.

I just could not get this difference between claimed character and displayed traits out of my head while reading what otherwise was an OK story.

If not for that, I would have rated this 4*.

This was ok but could have all been said in one much shorter chapter.

Dont know. Cant give it more than 3*. It feels like you tried to make Brenda and Andy it people they are not. They are not good. They still did not care about Tim. Hiring a professional for him who doesnt even has any experience is just cruel. Tim was a punching bag, the whole story, how did he become so awesome? His friends didnt care, not one reached out to him. A good friend would say, fuck it, I have to help, atleast be there. Full non-communication? Thats no friend. No matter how you potray their actions. Brena and Andys parents were in his corner? No way. In chapter 1 you put it in great detail how much mom cared. She basicially threw them together, so her son good be happy. Dont tell me they were in his corner. And in the middle of this chapter you decided it was fate. No it wasnt. Everything that happend were concious decisions where the consequences were obvious. There was no fate and no higher power. Lets get back into the middle-ages where people needed a higher power to blame, why the fuck not. People are apparently not responsible for their actions, thats what I learned here. They are are all good people and Tim is obviously the best, because he takes every punch and wont even be mad about it.

I wonder if you should have named this: “The Passion of St. Tim”? Only through suffering can one achieve the aim. And the aim? To be made whole through the attention of another. And yet a good lie, even if in a good cause, is still a lie—even if the Buddha endorses its use. And what is hard for me to take that leap of faith with you as our hero has done—with his new love, is that his world crashed down around him because of the deception of those closest to him. How does someone with those scars—even if recently healed through his good deed for Jill which ended disastrously with violence, allow him to casually embrace more deception? That is the bridge too far for me.

This also could have been shorter—having the same conversations with subtle nuance was not worth the effort, in my opinion. If it helped you get clear about past stuff—for you—then ok, but it did not increase my reading pleasure to have the same things repeated over and over and over …

"By the time they finish discussing the taking out of the trash, the truck will have already come and gone." Great line by rw43, and kind of descriptive of the whole story. Liked it, enjoyed it, thought it was a great story-line, but this chapter, like chapter 2, just got too wordy. Way too wordy. Takes away from the story, as in- wrecks the flow. And, Anni having already heard about Tim and his 'friends' wouldn't have shown up being such a timid little mouse. Glad to see Jill exhibiting some little bit of gratitude for having her whole life saved, altho she sure should have called Tim direct, and offered to have him over to spend Christmas with her and her hubby.

People like Tim do not exist. They are fantasies. That said I agree with other2other1

You mentioned Brenda by name 66 times. That should give you indication your story was too long. Half as much would have got same points across.

He can be a loving and deeply forgiving man. It takes inner strength to do what he did. But I do positively feel he was starting to cross the line when he tried to talk about his friend circle and how, "they shouldn't pick a side." While I agree he shouldn't force the issue, its not his job to ENFORCE the issue. To his credit he never brought it up again. But I believe if mutual friends of his and Brenda decide to pick sides then it's their business. You can't make people feel like you do. If Andy's father wants to give his daughter and son in law the occasional hard look, that's his business. I don't doubt that Christina was correct about Brenda to a small degree. But a lot of that was bullocks. Tim had his ex pegged correctly from the start. Too weak, selfish, and self absorbed to give anyone real love or dignity owed. Using the excuse of her being inconsolable isn't gonna fly. Plenty of people hyperventilate, and are genuinely in terror of issues, past traumas, phobias. Ect. But they grow up and face then, even if slowly. What Brenda did was bury her head in the sand. Tim made the right move to ignore them both, grieve for a period, and move on. Their karma will come in small ways. Tim is too good a person to take part. It'll be squarely on them from now on.

I finished reading this out of curiosity and found by the end it just rubbed me the wrong way. Tim is like this pseudo CS Lewis like figure ( think Aslan in the Lion, the witch and the wardrobe), he is just so saint like,he is devastated but doesnt get mad &shows perfect love towards Brenda and Andy. He doesnt want to devastate Brenda? His whole saintly schtick, if it was designed to make them suffer would be one thing, but this is just too much.

Andy and Brenda have the gall to say he is the better man yet all they did was torture him, the way they did all this was cruel. And they jump in the sack one time and decide they are it? Give me a break. There is no good way out of a situation like this but they in their claiming to want to help him like it on, yuck. And Miss is this mess too, irritating as hell.

The real problem is the writing, it is pedantic,it philosophizes like a guy who taught philosophy I had the unfortunate experience of being around, it is to the point of being obnoxious. It is basically like the characters love to hear themselves speak, the kind of 19th orator Twain loved to make fun of. Too many words, to much repetition, once you make a point assume the reader gets it. And listen to people talking and ask yourself if the writing sounds like them. Take dialog out and of story works still,leave it out. Read the story and see how that goes. With this story read our loud I think a lot would be obvious.

I think there was an idea here, but it got buried in words and philosophy.

5 stars! Great writing, Great Story! This should be a Hallmark Movie! Heart Break, Betrayal, and finally Finding Love again. Deep betrayal, Deep Betrayal. But it has a happy ending! I love a happy ending. Thank You for this wonderful effort and a tremendous amount of hard work to put this story together. Felt like I was there. Very Good!

I loved this story. Your writing paints a picture. Keep writing please. You have a gift.

Blessed be saint Tim, I swear I could hear the choir invisible belting out hallelujahs all through the four chapters.

Way too long and really repetitive. Didn't feel like a LW story, more like the "Beatification of St. Tim". Sadly, he seem to get what he deserved for being able to rationalize ANY mistreatment he received as oh well, the other person is happy now and that is what really matters. Frankly his inability to show outrage feels to me like a mental illness issue. In the end this is just another pathetic cuckold story.

There was a good idea and potential here but too much trying to wax poetic and too much repetition. The whole Swiss Miss thing got old real quick. And that reveal that she talked to the offenders just to be told how great the mc was and how she'll instantly fall in love him...Story went from depressing to overly cheesy.

too bad it is tendentious and bloviated. God What A Bore! Andy could be a corpse and would be more substantive and interesting a companion than this self anointed Savior of lost women. What a fucking pity party. No, this is a Pity Extravaganza!

/

Of course Andy did this loser a favor. Brenda ended up playing the cheating whore. Andy was just her greener grass of the moment, across a fence that she shouldn't cross, so of course she just had to, just to try it out. And it was Wonderful!! So what do you think Brenda is going to do after Andy becomes yesterday's thrill and today's monotony, and Brenda, AGAIN, eyes new green grass across another forbidden fence? I mean it worked out So Well for her with Andy, maybe Tim, then Andy, were just place holders until Brenda now, finally, finds her true soul mate? At least it's worth fucking her next new potential soul mate just to find out. Yeah, Andy feels bad now? Just wait you cuck-to-be, just wait. Wonder what Andy's conniving deceitful mother will think Then of her efforts to keep Andy and Brenda together? Funny as shit. I'm already laughing even if no one writes that sequel. Some things are just written in the stars, in shit brown.

/

As for Tim and Christina: Sure, OK, Why Not? May Tim lose his voice and Christina and he thereby live happily ever after. Sure Tim could write all his blathering psychobabble down, but Christina will quickly learn how to skim over all the pointless dithering bull shit; ask me how I know.

It was a fine plot. You already know how grossly overwritten it is. But thanks for the effort.

Way too much repetition.

Wonderful story. Great writing. Well thought out, genuine people…even if St. Tim is a little “too” perfect.

Please write a fifth part of this cuck story in which Timmy is going fo be the Godfather to Brenda and Andy's children. Coz even though Brenda cheated on him in the worst way possible "she didn't know it absolutely crushed him".

Pretty sure you have already wrapped up the 2023 redundancy award.

Great story but gosh! so many words.

Wayyyyyy toooo longggggg and repetitiousrepetitious

hindsight2020:

I am pleased to inform you that, contrary to your stated belief, technical writers are quite adept at clearing obstructions from their nasal cavities. In fact there is a manual, only 33 pages long, detailing the process from trouble isolation, analysis and decision tree, through pre-removal preparatory procedure, removal, post-removal testing cleanup, and final disposal, followed by two appendices, the first of which details remedial steps should the initial process fail in whole or in part, and the second of which is a handy tool list with some ideas for substitute items that can be used should the tools listed not be to hand. Additionally there is both an old school dvd covering all the material presented in the manual and an alternative web-link with the same visual presentation. You will be, no doubt, be appreciative of the 5 page, 2019 addendum, which covers the social aspects of nasal clearing, and the 2 pages of suggestions, added in 2021, covering the somewhat delicate etiquette of nasal clearing in formal and business settings. This information is available to you, at no charge, at your local participating Rhinologist. Should they not have the booklet please ask them to obtain it for you, and their other patients, by contacting us at BoogarBros. LLC.

Hopefully the above information should help ease your concerns that there is no technical information publicly available on this subject. Further, be reassured that the guild of technical writers is at all times working to provide you the information you require, in a concise, easily comprehensible format, on a great and varied number of subjects.

Yours truly and hoping you the best of the upcoming year,

Anonymous

A very insightful story! Thanks for sharing!

Enjoyable but could not suspend my disbelief for how AWFUL and REGRETFUL Andy and Brenda were made out to be. For a story steeped in the psychology of it all might I remind you that human nature is such that many defense mechanisms would likely have surfaced to help mitigate that guilt. Yet everyone seemed to address the facts at hand relatively undefended (with the exception of the one character who was actually in the mental health field.)

You definitely have some storytelling talent. This one is a little too repetitive.

In my own life, it has taken me several decades to learn that self-sacrifice doesn't always make you a hero, sometimes it makes you a chump.

Thanks for sharing.

Great story. Well done. Don’t apologize for the number of words. Yes, there is redundancy, but that’s how people suffering in emotional

drserts think — thinking, over and over again and describing the same happenings in different ways with different words and expressions. Made the dialogue real. It’s not as though people reading your story on this website forcedto read it, at the risk of foregoing their time finding a cure for cancer. An unapologetic 5. We’ll done, and it was nice to see a protagonist hurt repeatedly in the most awful ways who didn’t just manage through it, but rather flourished, persistinging in taking the high and decent road, and eventually being rewarded for it so deeply, and sustainably, in the end. And no one was slaughtered in the making of this comprlling story.

Memo to all you “wimp” accusers — if you guys hate stories about people who don’t reflexively go commando as soon as they get cheated on, no matter the circumstances, then why don’t you bitter knuckle dragging, living in grandma’s basement trolls write yourown stories to your liking? Oh yeah right, you’re barely literate, and can’t write anything anyone would read.

Here’s another challenge to you. If. you’re so very tough and full of righteous fury, why don’t you go do something useful and join the military, or become a firefighter and show us how tough and brave you are, instead of bloviating your hate in the comments here? What’s the old saying ? “Those who can do, those who can’t, talk about it.” Yep. Shut the f up and keep moving.

Very good story. Yes, the protagonist is almost too good to be true, but isn’t that what aspiring to greatness is all abou?. This is just a more enduring, attainable, and eternally useful kind of greatness. This protagonist responded to hurt and provocation with unfailing kindness, which in the end, left everyone — including himself — more enduringly happy. Yes trolls, who wants that? People to be happy?

Lots of words but beautifully put together. Great ideas about aspirational human nature, and eventually, just desserts.

I’m not a fan of BTB, but Andy, and Brenda got off way to easy. They didn’t need to die in a car wreck, but if she was as broken up as Swiss Miss said, how could she have happily married Andy at that time, some how some way you should have wrote a different ending for those two, even though Tim wanted the best for them. Thanks KS

PS you could cut about twenty percent of the words, and still have a good story.

Okay, so I don't want to be too negative because I think you said this was one of your first times writing so I'll try and be as constructive as possible.

There's such a thing as "too nice" and Tim is it, he's not likeable, or believable or relatable in any way, I'd say he's almost a martyr because it seems very much that he gets off on being treated poorly, it's not an effective way to develop a character, they need balance and depth and he has neither. Everyone in this story did him dirty and he did nothing except.. continuously help them, it makes it unenjoyable.

Second note, this could have been 1/8th the length, it repeated the same thoughts, questions, stories and outlooks over and over, a few times would have been fine, but all 4 chapters are essentially the same thing rewritten, could have been fun to play through the stages of grief, or for some serious character development, not just repeating his story.

My last point is the ending, it was bad , giving us 4 chapters of hos insanely cruel and vile the friend and ex were to try and shoe horn in a redemption arc at the end was.. not well executed, considering the woman he was with and the woman he literally saved both lied and manipulated him.. right after his fiance and friend lied and manipulated him, it wasn't a great look.

Overall I think you could be a good writer, these are pretty basic mistakes that'll get ironed out with experienced, I guess the best advice I got and the best advice I could give is, just because you want to have a "nice" character or a "good guy" MC, doesn't mean that has to be ALL they are, play with depth, add layers, give them actual human emotions.

3 stars finally - there were just too many words.

Not only did you explain every single detail to the nenth degree - you flogged it to death.

You definitely need a good editor, who can train you to say more with LESS.

JUST TOO DAMN LooOooNG... Chop, you seem to want to draw out the obvious for some perverse writers pleasure - well it got me to skim-skip paragraphs to keep the story moving and not be so redundantly morose in trying to stir readers emotions. It was so redundant that I found my self skimming from the first chapter to the end - only reading the first and last sentence of most paragraphs (and I have mild dyslexia).

\

We all saw where Miss/Christina was going and it took a whole chapter to get there - boring. How many times can you re-say how Andy/Brenda fucked him over and feel bad about it? Chop, you could have consolidate one whole +chapter out making this a far better and higher impact hitting story.

\

But this story totally MISSED in that 1.5yrs after Tim's fucking was the impacts to his family/parents and Brenda's parents (IF they truly became so close over the years Tim/Brenda were together).

\

Then how much did Rita & Brenda get for Tim's 'dead' engagement ring and how was it spent?

\

I was expecting that Andy/Brenda needed to get married so soon was due to Brenda getting pregnant. As I expected Brenda & Andy to be doing marathon coitus sessions keeping them from dwelling on their dishonor to Tim and shame from their once friends.

\

3.9****, Hooyah, but few salutes...

Readers enjoy real people with reasonably normal personalities. Martyrs aren’t all that interesting. Since he wasn’t married this story could easily fit into the romance category. But that would not have compensated for the flaws pointed out by several other commenters. Most comments were constructive and accurate. Redundancy slows the flow of the storyline and rarely enhances the reader’s enjoyment.

I struggled to finish this and would not read it again.

Yes, still too many words, but quite moving and in the right direction. Keep the pen moving across the page. ;-)

This could have been three chapters. Chapters three and four were highly redundant.

I'm not sure what the second letter was? I may have missed it as my eyes started to glaze over due to the overly formal dialogue. There was a card, but I don't recall the letter.

The sister still had the contact info for the ex and her new fiancee? Why?

If his parents knew that his sister was expecting to get engaged during the holiday, why would they think Tim was going to be with her?

Why did none of his friends reach out to him at all in the six months?

Your stand alone story was much better, I think.

Looking forward to seeing your development.

I only gave this a 3 star rating as you just don’t know when to stop putting words down, I liked the idea as I’v said before, I like how you set the characters up, but just tooooo many words

Had potential but it needed a final confrontation with Andy and Brenda. Seems like the story was working toward that.

3 Stars

It was good that he got his happy ending, but no face to face with Brenda and Andy ruined the story for me. I saw someone’s comment about echos of Matt Moreau, and I concur completely.

Absolute fail trying to paint Andy and Brenda in a better light. Completely detracts from the story and casts a Christina in a little bit of a negative light. Makes her seem a bit duplicitous tbh.

1 star.

I have it 5. But my problem with this painting of the cheaters in the good light is this. Cheaters cheat from a position of selfishness. This was a story of extreme selfishness. On the part of the cheaters. This turn around on their part was an attempt at making everybody goody two shoes. Which was forced

Give Christina a couple more months of listening to this guy and she will bail too.

He never fronted his nemesis Brenda, and, of course Andy. What arseholes they were. The worst part, they got away scot free.

Left a bad taste in my mouth and in the mouthed of most of the poor saps who read this rubbish

Score 2/5 couldn’t in good conscience give it more.

Coulda been very good, tying in the elements of faith, hope and human need for connection. But the verbose nature of the prose acts as an undertow to the wave of emotion.

I agree with patille. Say more or the same, with less. You can do it.

I was actully trying not to comment on any of these chapters.... but ... the story was absolutly so verbose...and putrid...on so many levels that the MC and writer just seem to deserve their self generated misery....

If i can call this story in one word..the word would be...Absymal!....

Either the writer has let all blood flow to that part of the brains that causes verbal diaoreah and left none to propagate his genitals... or he is Gandhi in the person!

Saint Tim can’t slay the dragon so in a moment of sublime reparation the evil dragon turns into a beautiful remorseful fairy who sends the elf queen to heal the hero. Cue the orchestra, but it doesn’t work. It is at best discordant and flat. Everyone is not a good person, nor do they deserve to be costumed up as one. I believe the author has a salvation fixation. The worthy martyr becomes the philosophic saviour leading everyone, especially those who lit the faggots to burn him at the stake, into the joyous realization that his innate goodness saves them all. It could have been done in half the space, but it still wouldn’t have worked well.

well written.

Chapter one is one of thee best descriptions of being destroyed I have read.

His response was also very well written.

Ending felt rushed though.

And really there needed some closure or revenge, or something to the evil ones.

Overall good job

There was way too much pomposity in the prose stating the same things over and over and over. I found myself skimming thought it and wondering how in hell did this story extend to 17-18 pages or so. Everybody has their own story to tell but there is a giant chasm in this one in leaving Andy and Brenda really unscathed in all of it. Somebody might be able to do a really good job of picking this story up and dropping a 10 lb hammer on both of them.

I can understand that some people don't like this kind of story, but I do. Your writing is verbose and repeats itself, but that is how people are in reality. They agonise over details and go round and round over the same path. The only thing that doesn't ring true is that the protagonist is only 23. I realise the setup was his first love, but you simply don't have that depth of reasoning and self-awareness at that age, without already having "paid your dues". It may seem like detail, but as I was reading, I kept going back to it, that now way a 23-year old could think like that. I followed you here from Slashdown, because I like the way you think. You are not professional, but no way I could write this well. Your sex scenes are part of the story, and not the whole story so it wouldn't appeal to some on this forum. I think your ideas are creative and could be turned into the kernels of screenplays. Thanks for the entertainment!

could've told this shite in 3 pages.

Even with some tragic and disrespectful hurt, in the beginning, your writing illuminated lost and desperate hearts into a beautiful and forever lasting love.

Very touching story that provides promise, redemption, and Love You To The Moon And Back loving memories!

Thank you for sharing your hope and prayers with all of us who are missing that look, touch, and tender love we miss ❤️

Really verbose in this last part, and some of the timing confuses me, but overall a really good series.

Oh BS, she's just a hooker sent to him by the guilty people who betrayed him. He should have thrown her out upon hearing that revelation. Too long and he really got over everything way too quickly. Guess he just needed a fuck. Also it is still Fiancée not Fiancé...

I just can't fathom the level of cuntiness that Brenda displays. Also as a guy,if I was friends with this Andy, I couldn't really be his friend anymore, because think of it, if he was willing to fuck over Tim, whom he had known and treated like a bother for 20 years...would he even hesitate to betray me? An ansulary friend at best. All for a girl, one he stole. Yeah can't do it, woulda had to burn them down cuz I'm not a saint.

Words Words Words Words Words Words... And nothing of substance

Look, you need an editor and to think better your plots, also, the mc's martyrdoom comes off as cheap, even disgusting in many parts. It doesn't work, it's just a rehash of the long gone but sadly not forgotten Matt Moreau and his ever suffering characters. Their nobility, like yours mc nobility is false, it's an ilusion and because it's so poorly disguised we, the readers, know that you're trying to sell cheap melodrama, and because we know, we reject it

That doesn't mean you should lear how to protect better the ilusion, don't become of the many, many writes that hide their lack of empathy for their own characters and their readers in order to sell a story. Instead of that, get an editor, look inside you and write from the heart, and think about this please, do you really believe that anyone would be willing to listen the same point over and over and over again and learn nothing?, because no one wants that, so don't do that

1. I enjoy that you like to write.

2. and write and write

3. I hope your real world sensitivities matches your fictional one.

Keep trying.

Horrendous and pointless

It's interesting that the writing chops are evident, but the choice of delivery (and obviously the repetition ad nauseam) makes all the characters such annoying companions that it feels like the reader has one foot out the door, just waiting to see if something interesting develops or whether they're going to get doused with more rambling. The story ends up falling by the wayside, because all the meandering takes away any momentum and it's hard to think of anything important that happened between the first setpiece and the last.

If it's a deliberate choice to employ a style that's so cumbersome to stand out from the rest of the crowd here, I get the appeal, but there should be a halfway point where you meet the readers, otherwise all that work is going to fall short of getting through to most people. Even free jazz is going to sound mundane if you repeat the same motifs throughout the piece.

"Horrendous and pointless..." Agreed.

Is the MC running for sainthood?

And, please, the notion that the best friend and fiance are anything more than cheaters, who will not ride into the sunset in love. It's a marriage based on cheating on someone they both claim to love. Ridiculously unrealistic.

The title should have been "The Ballad of Saint Tim". Tim is so unrealistic it hurts. The writing goes on and on and on, saying the same thing over and over and over. This 4 parter could have been one 6 page story tops.

I like to read the "comments" and I find them illustrative if not silly. Folks complaining because of so many words used. Heck, don't the readers understand we get paid more for more words? Why are they complaining? Regardless. I really liked this tale of betrayal and redemption, and finding a new love. It is true that the Good Lord both punishes you and rewards you for how you live your life. Our Hero was such a good person, he really deserved to be loved and happy. Thence, The Lord sends love his way. Thank You for all the effort. I know my little stories usually take me a good 40 hrs. This series took way much more than that, I am sure! Thank You for the Great Effort Mr. Chopped. Buster2U still 5 stars

I don't think a marriage can survive built on the betrayal and destruction of another.

Simply didn't care for this story. Won't berate it, just simply didn't care for it.

I don't see the best friend and fiance really making it. I think the fiance was a coward who was just sad she got wrapped up in things. No noble oh woe is me.

Good on Andy's dad though. Even with a passing mention he was clearly the most upstanding person in this. The MC should've also booted Christina out - yeah all well and good but people still manipulating him to salve their own consciences. Well maybe he shouldn't have booted her but I think that would be a shocker enough to get some space.

I think after that rush cools... Andy and Brenda might find that they don't have that much in common. And realise they're actually just solid friends who got carried away with the idea with it. You can't build something solid on the back of that level of... Callousness. Brenda just sounds awful. I think the MCs actual analysis of her in chapter 3 was likely closer to the truth. Not her being all torn up.

And Andy likely would just get annoyed after a while if she did continue to harp on.

A nice idea for a story but a tad repetitive, purple prose and trying to shoehorn the idea that no one was really a BAD person just BAD decisions... should've had an absolute implosion if we're going for karma at the end... or a quiet "we don't engage with Andy or Brenda. They're not doing so well. And Andy's dad has quietly separated from Rita" ok that's a bit BTB but we needed something more from a narrative perspective to flesh out the karma.

Am I the only one who would have loved Brenda suffers and pains A LOT!!!! And Andy too...

Tim got the moral victory but no pound of flesh

Why do brenda and andy get a free pass? Misfortune and guilt should plague them

5* I think this one is a HALLMARK moment.

Zeb

i understand getting revenge would be considered normal and even expected ? but .., isn't being happy in a new relationship and walking away from the past and being happy in a new relationship a better outcome ?? being happy can be more important than keeping score and not being happy .

I wouldn't be with someone that is still connected to my ex, let Brenda live in that moment of knowing what she did to Tim. His happiness should never reach hers nor Andy's ears, not even Rita's, who I think Andy's father may just leave her. I mean I'm sure those mutual friends have proabably moved away from the two, eventually, Brenda and Andy's relationship won't last, it may seem like a deeper connection but that may fizzle out soon. Tim deserved his pound of flesh, but I don't think Andy's financial situation is much helpful, let them live with that suffering and also move, so they can never send him stupid cards as if that will make it better by spitting your "love" in Tim's face.

I thought looping Andy and Brenda backminto phone calls with Jill and Swiss Miss / Christina kind of cheapened the new romance. Who wants anything to do with those two pariahs? Doubt Andy and Brenda will make it through the long haul when life's challenges beag up the marriage. Their marriage is based on betrayal and cowardice. Rita was evil. Uggh.

I hated the attempt to humanize the exes by giving them credit for his new relationship.

No, no, no, and no.

The main character has no spine or self respect.

Great storey! I found the comments almost as interesting. I understand the thirst for some sort of justice, but you set the MC out at the very beginning as a peacemaker not a macho type. OK, I have never met his like in real life, but he is certainly a character I can respect. The real life part comes accross with the other characters - people who do not regard themselves as bad, but are fully capable of cocking it up to the point where they seem so.

The premis that he went out to buy dinner and came back to find the 2 people most important in his life have left him was a little constructed, but necessary for the rest of the storey. I also thought that Christina's reason for loining the escort agency a little thin. But the interplay between the 2 women and the MC during that Christmas was superbly done. The MC's progression out of his mental state was also nicely done, with each stage requireing the previous state and paving the way for the next.

Even with the above comments, I have to give you a well deserved 5 stars. I really enjoyed it, and will certainly be reading it again. Thankyou for the time and effort you and others put into these stories.

I don't mind the "no karma" for Brenda and Andy. That is almost certain to arrive. Their marriage is built on shaky foundations. Wait until life's travails come for their marriage. They act on base impulses, have terrible guilt, and have a poor trust foundation.

What bothered me was that his new love, that left Brenda in the dust was somehow swayed (along with Jill) by phone conversations with his ex best friend and ex fiancee. That was annoying and unnecessary. They are pretty much pond scum. Leave them as such. Trying to give them more facets in a shirt story like this is kind of wasted. Their betrayal was really bad. Their actions afterwards were downright sinful. Their destruction of his life nigh complete. They were like two hurricanes that met and destroyed his home and city. They are not forces for good.

Did enjoy Christina. Though her rationale to start as an escort was mind boggling.

This sounds like a story from an old writer that used to be one here. Matt something. In almost all his stories the main guy got shit on over and over by supposedly “loved ones”