Happy Hollowdays Pt. 04

She looked at me shaking her head. Reading her thoughts, she was amazed I wanted to calm her after she felt she had wounded me severely. I nodded for her to continue I wanted this out and done with.

"Hearing on that phone call that you were especially fond of the holidays triggered something in Jill. Jill let them have it, boy did she. She explained how you had sunk so low you had reached out for a woman like Jill was supposed to be. Then, instead of thinking of yourself, you recognized she wasn't that sort of girl and saved her. Jill said she realized as Andy and Brenda spoke that Jill had mentioned her husband loving the holidays to you. And that had sent you into action. That you resolved to save Gary too. That you must have known how receptive Gary would be because you feel the same way about the holidays! Jill realized then that you saved them both but at a tremendous price: bringing about the exact scenario you did not want: being alone for the holidays!

"Jill explained the mix up with your family, and that your sister was getting engaged this week. It all has played out like fate was causing things to happen all around you that would hurt you the most. Their wedding, your sister's engagement, Jill's abandonment of you to the loneliness she knew you were desperate to escape. It's almost too horrible to contemplate.

"I must tell you that Brenda was coming apart at the news." Swiss Miss's demeanor changed, "Tim, I can't believe she doesn't love you." Miss's face dropped, "A woman can tell. She does love you, and she knows she ripped your heart, out even if she doesn't know she eviscerated you and threw your guts in the fire. She hates that you are suffering.

"Tim, if Andy wrote the letter, he did it for both of them. I'm sure he wrote that damn second letter because he promised you an invitation. Now he knew you were alone. He wanted to reach out. He probably thought he was tying up loose ends for you and wanted you to know that someone was thinking of you. He didn't mean to make it worse.

Swiss Miss's face contorted in agony, "Oh Tim, I'm afraid it was Jill's and my phone calls that precipitated some action on their part. I fear we caused Andy to write the letter that is the reason for your being hurt again... on Christmas Day. It's my fault, I'm so sorry Tim!" She almost yelled the last sentence.

I was quiet for a bit. It was a lot to digest in a story that constantly tried to force copious amounts of garbage down my throat with a fire poker. "Let me get this straight Andy and Brenda told you that..."

She broke in, "That you were the best guy in the world; a good man that somehow became the punching bag of the world. That it appeared every good deed or considerate thing you had ever done had come back to hurt you. All because you were decent and caring and wouldn't give up on either of them."

Swiss Miss got very quiet. She finally spoke, "Tim, Brenda told me something. She told me that she loved Andy and hoped her words wouldn't hurt him. She told me if I came here to be with you and were... you know... with you, that I would fall in love with you. Brenda cried but happily, saying she would be so jealous it would tear her heart out, but she had the man she was supposed to be with. Brenda told me that a girl might fight that love, but that I shouldn't, saying falling for you was the smartest and best thing a girl could ever do, and that someone was going to win the lottery with you."

"Brenda told me if I had any doubts, that I should not do what a girl does and hold back, but to jump in with both feet. She said it would be the best decision of my life. Tim, I can't tell you how much she feels for you; your instincts weren't wrong, even about her feeling that way about Andy more. She hates what happened and will never understand why it happened to her. And never ever how it all fell on you.

"For myself I heard Brenda's words coming right from who she was, right from the deepest part of her heart. I've heard them ringing in my own heart for days before I met you, and you have proven them all correct. In fact, beyond that. Tim, I won't make you any trouble if you don't feel the same, but I've been walking around that pond Brenda spoke of, I've been swimming in it a little. I-I have to jump in Tim, don't stop me, please. Let me jump in. Both feet, all in, nothing held back, you'll have all of me, and no secrets. I may not be much, maybe I'm not Brenda, but I'm all yours, completely. I'm trying to give it all to you right now."

Wow, this was drinking from a fire hose.

She took my hands and put them on the sides of her face as she knelt beside me hoping her universal pose of supplication was understood, "So, Tim, I had a strong notion of what sort of person you were before I ever met you. I needed to shake off the life I was living -- or wasn't living. Jill thought you would be just what I needed, because I needed to help someone else to get back to living. I never expected you to actively help me as much as you did. I thought through all my actions before I arrived, including ... sex. I was in, either to knock myself off the spot I was on, put distance between me and my ex, or punish myself for being such a fool. I didn't expect to do that, to be close to you, to become truly intimate.

"Tim, you told me not to perform any act as the hooker hired to take care of you. You were so genuine that I agreed. I was also thinking over the rest of the baggage I just admitted to carrying, when you convinced me to plot a new trajectory concerning my time with you; I decided to let that baggage go too. Then it really was just you and me. My ex and my poor decisions weren't with us any longer. I still needed to kick myself in gear, but I was free to "do as I wished and wanted" as you said.

"Tim when I made up my mind to be with you, it was just that. What it wasn't was a punishment, distance from my ex, or kicking myself into gear. You heard me say it; I was with you, the two of us were spending time together and my ex and past ghosts were gone. Wonderfully, you were filling in all the areas that were so desperate for something of real meaning. I was without direction, but without the anchors holding me down. The best course to set seemed to be to just keep strolling with you. You kept showing me new things, making sure I wouldn't stumble, and you were so concerned that I not repeat past mistakes, or end up splashing back down in my sea of regret.

"At first it was a wonderful evening. I loved being with you. It's thrilling in a way I can't describe. We walked, we talked, we ate, to my way of thinking celebrated having a future again, instead of only a past. When we got back, I wanted you, but it was straight up seduction, a man and woman. And you blew my mind. Not the least of which was when I came out of my dizziness to find you had not taken pleasure yourself after putting me in lunar orbit. That gesture was made without my input. You saw I was vulnerable again and suffered to make sure I regretted nothing. Don't you see? You were taking care of me! Now you were suffering for me!" She shook her head obviously the gesture thrilled her. "You cared about me. The man who takes such supreme care of others was now working his magic for me!"

"There were so many things going on in my head it took a while to shake out the cobwebs and shake off the huge overdose of endorphins. I was blasted again realizing I hadn't done anything to get you off. You didn't complain! You did everything for others and always got the pie in the face. I had left you hanging, but I wasn't a user like those others. I wasn't out to grab a prize at your expense. In my own way I knew what you had gone through.

"Except, where I withdrew afraid to lick my wounds for fear of finding out how severe they were, you ... kept on helping others. You kept standing up for them. And dammit, you kept getting the pie in the face." Her eyes narrowed; she understood while finding the fact hard to believe. "You had been hurt so badly while loving others, yet you kept doing what was best for them. You were indefatigable in your support of others. Tim you were helping me now. I knew what you were, I knew what that meant: you would guard and protect me tirelessly. You were the knight the others had all been pretended to be. No, that's not fair, they never dared to pretend to be all that you are.

"Tim, I was already falling for you. I was before meeting you just from everyone's descriptions. Could such a man exist? I had given up that hope. To realize I had joined the list of takers that had treated you ill, messed with me. At the same time, you were treating me so well. I heard about you, saw you in action, then lived everything I had heard. Tim, I was already in love with all of the attributes I have mentioned. Then I lost faith in them. Suddenly there was a man who embodied them right in front of me. I loved everything you were already, how hard is it to understand it is a quick trip to knowing I feel that way about you?

"Tim, I decided to spend the night and as much time as I could because I wanted to get close to you, as close as I could! It's just I had this secret: that I knew about you before I met you. Is that terrible? Now I've owned up to it. I've told you of the involvement with those who laid you low. I filled you in on some facts that had to be painful. Tim, are you okay? Have I ruined Christmas?"

"Well, Miss, the lights may have dimmed there for a bit, but I think you can make them shine as brightly as they are capable. And more brightly than I've ever seen."

She looked at me almost an examination. She was determined, she wasn't going to shrink. In fact, she was ready to go into overdrive. What was going on? Then I got it. Swiss Miss had taken a shine to me but had just told me she had been in league with those laid me low, further she had kept secrets from me. The biggest one: my former love was another man's bride. She was checking to see if I was depressed or damaged by the news. She was also checking to see if my broken heart was worse off. I wondered when she would see what she sought for. I smiled at her after my little speech and waited.

She looked at my shoulders, they weren't drooped. She looked at my mouth. Was one corner slightly lifted? She looked in my eyes. I'm sure she saw some pain there. I had a history with Brenda and a love, even though it had all burned to the ground there would always be pain there, or the remembrance of such. Could she keep looking? She seemed to peer more deeply. I was sure that corner of my mouth was pulling further up.

"Oh!"

Good she saw it. "Did you find what you wanted, Miss?"

For a second she looked like a frightened animal looking for an escape route. I asked her, "Are you worried you are wrong about what you saw?" She fidgeted at my query. Yep, that was it. "Well, you didn't." I let her know with certainty. She froze. "You saw the pain which is still there for the loss of what Brenda and I shared. You will always feel a sense of loss for what could have been with your ex too," I explained.

"But I released him. I don't even like him anymore. He holds no sway over me."

"Miss. You have seen it in my eyes; besides regret at a loss, does Brenda still hold sway over me?"

She hesitated.

I chastised her. "You aren't wrong: say it. Go on."

There was a wonderment in her voice, "No, no she doesn't."

"But you saw more, didn't you? I'm not trying to hide it. There was a strong light there, an energy, something that infuses life, gives a spring to the step, gives meaning even to the mundane. That light doesn't burn for Brenda any longer. And that light didn't burn when it was me alone. I felt it's loss like a numbness. Miss, I don't feel numb anymore."

"Oohh." She was trembling again.

"Right. That light is yours, you ignited it, it burns for you."

"Wow!"

"Yeah," I confirmed.

"You too?"

"Yeah," I was sure I was full on smiling now.

The Swiss Miss was full on shaking now. Her eyes were aflame. "Sooo, I can definitely stay the night again?"

I laughed. She looked at me. I knew she was going to toy with me, it's amazing how quickly you can get to know someone.

"Tim, I know you hired me to have my ass. You are due if you want it. You know I have never done that. My exercises, my preparation, has been worse than, well, half assed. But if you do... indulge yourself, I will think fondly of it, even if it hurts."

She became more serious, "I was not right for the man I was with. I delayed the ceremony. He was not a good man; he just had me hoodwinked. He thought the jig was up and used me. Rather harshly in fact. Then he was cruel to me by being with a girl who hates me.

"You know I was a virgin then. I only had sex one unpleasant time with him, so you have already rewritten that book. We have barely begun. I have made out a lot, but I'm far from an experienced lover. But you needed to know that about me because that's a beginning for us... if you want it."

She was quietly impassioned, simply because her volume was subdued didn't mean her earnestness wasn't a full ten, "Tim, I think your fate was worse than mine. I'm sorry we had those trying times, but if we didn't then we never could have met. You said something that helped me -- a lot. That maybe I was made to go through tough times to toughen me up and prove my worthiness -- to me! I'm not so sure about you though."

Her brow was furrowed so deeply I feared for her it may stay that way. Whatever she was thinking it filled her with an uneasiness bordering on anger. I could tell she had identified something she didn't understand.

"Tim, you treated me, treated Jill, treated Andy and Brenda, in a humane and fair way even while being backhanded and worse for your kindness, consideration, and love. You could have made Brenda and Andy feel so guilty they never could have stayed together. Instead, you wanted them to be happy. The things Andy said you told him -- for him to protect and love "your girl" are almost unbelievable to me. Except knowing you, they are not just believable but predictable. I think feeling for her the way you do and always will, that you need to know that your protection of her worked. Brenda said when Andy told her your words, she knew she still had intrinsic value to you; wounded by her own actions you buoyed her tremendously."

Swiss Miss retreated into herself, sitting on her legs bringing her hands together in her lap. She was thinking that this had all gone very well so far, yet there was more to tell.

"I got a separate call from Andy away from Brenda. He said at his and your last meeting that it was your wish that Brenda not be told how badly she crushed you by never facing you one last time. Your reasoning was that she would be crushed in return, and you loved her too much to see her crushed. No one, not even Brenda, would have thought you evil for repaying her in kind. She agrees her actions were abominable, she knows she wounded you terribly, but she still doesn't know that she absolutely crushed you."

She looked at me her own eyes welling again. She nodded signaling a deep understanding internally. Her chest wasn't heaving but tears began to stream from her eyes.

"Brenda hates what she did. Andy found a way to tell her an edited version of his talk with you without crushing her. Andy is beside himself as you already know. He marvels, as do I, at how you didn't kill him and didn't want to wound Brenda after, in his words, you had your heart ripped out and your balls torn off. Andy said that after they had done that to you, in order to save her, you picked up a bucket of gas and poured it over yourself and lit the match."

Her tears flowed in small rivers down her cheeks wetting her neck and eventually her wonderfully taut if smaller breasts.

"Andy says he has never seen the like and will be eternally grateful. That you did it after she absolutely crushed you has staggered him, his mother, and a father who is still solidly in your corner. Andy added that he will never hold a thing back in his wife's care, as he had your strong example to live up to."

She was quiet again. She started softly, "I know we haven't been together long, but I love being with you. I felt dirty before meeting you, I felt like I might as well be trash. You are uplifting," she blushed. "You asked if I would stay 'til Christmas. However, you stipulated that I not do anything I regret. I don't feel dirty Tim, and I don't regret a thing. I feel like fresh Christmas snow. I don't ever want to leave. You hired me to "fuck my ass", instead you reignited my heart and filled my spirits." She wiped the back of her arm across her face soaking it. Her tears lessened.

"Here's what I don't understand, I don't think your walk through the desert altered you much. I don't think you learned anything, because I think you knew it all before. I think you persevered. I don't think you could have ever foreseen the circumstances that put you there, but I think you knew you would make it or if you died there, you would be unbroken as a person when your time came. In my tribulation, I saw only things external to me during my trial. You showed me it was a gift given to me and I had to look inside. Once I did it was obvious.

"Except I-I don't think your trial was a gift to you. I mean Brenda hurt you and you immolated yourself to keep her from the same fate. The match was lit you could have torched her like she did you. That seems to me to be human nature and perhaps even justice. Instead, you chose mercy and knocked out the last props holding you up. When you finally did something to help yourself you did not get help, satisfaction, release, or anything, except a fist in the face for helping others at cost to yourself.

"I was lost and in the dark. Once again at the cost of your own satisfaction and release, you dropped what would have helped you to help me. I've said you illuminated my path and pointed the way, but you were more: you were the constant I needed to find and keep my way. I think, and I have thought about it a lot, that you were made to suffer so that those around you could be saved, taught, and inspired. You and I are two sides to the coin of the question, "Why are we seemingly made to suffer?""

"I had sex once before I met you. I had never made love. Then you showed me that too. I don't think any man can make love to me like you can. Would you please, when I am finished here?" She demurely gave me a ragged smile.

"And Tim, I'm saying it plainly. I want to spend all the rest of my nights with you. I know it may be too early for you. I swear I'm not on a rebound. I'm a genuine person. You should know that by now. I know you will protect me and still want to make sure, for my benefit not yours. Remember who I'm saving that gift of my rear for? The man I was meant to be with, my forever man? Tim, it's waiting for you whenever you want it."

She shook not sure where to look, I will never forget her sigh when I wrapped her in my arms. Apparently, I had saved her once again. A woman who can make a man feel like that is the most special in the world.

"Miss, you have to appreciate how overwhelmed I am on, well, every single plane I exist on. Though it seems to me the best thing I could do by my former best friend and ex-fiancé is to take away the stigma of wrecking my life. I don't want to see them, but I don't want our friends and family to stop seeing them."

I pondered letting her stew deliciously. I couldn't do it, though I had a reason for dragging matters out. "I think the best thing I could do to convince everyone they aren't pariahs, even if they aren't my favorites anymore, is for me to be happy.

She looked at me nodding yet feeling there had to be more.

"I have been miserable. I have been desolate. Can you perhaps think of anything or anyone who has been capable of making me happy?