All Comments on 'Harem Master - RPG story Ch. 001'

Hmm ok, the story shows some potential. It will be interesting to see where you take it..

It's a decent first attempt, however there is a lack of flow with your words. It seems very stiff and disjointed at times. Almost as though English isn't your first language but you're writing directly into it. You have some good ideas here, but you've got to figure out a way to have sentences and speech flow better together.

Ok start, not really original but it's not a "flooded" genre quite yet. You're ally need an editor - the opening is very stilted and extremely redundant.

Good start, character building is essential to begin with. Need to and will read more and leave comments. Don’t know where this is going but am willing to give it a chance! For a first effort not bad. Only time will tell?

Really good writing, and exiting idea!

A good start. Watch out for repeated info. There were too many paragraphs that were just repeated information that you had already gave us. Because of this and a few grammar errors I only gave 4/5 stars. However, I look forward to more chapters. This story has a lot of promise.

I wish to encourage you to write more. 5 stars. As the Blessed Master of all Djinni https://www.deviantart.com/blessedmaster

I invite you to RP on my page. Keep writing. I thoroughly enjoyed reading.

I think I know which other stories have inspired this, but that isn't a criticism at all.

This is an interesting take on the idea of 'weird sexy adventurer class', one which I'm definitely going to be looking forward to reading more.

It reads very much as if it was written in another language and translated into English. If I read this with a fake Russian accent in my head it works. Otherwise the story has some possibilities. I am willing to give it a chance.

Cool twist on the Harem theme! I look forward to the adventure! If you feel the need for an editor, I'm retired and can usually provide a 24 hr turn around at most.

Good start, would like to see how you make this into a monster.

The idea is intriguing.

Please read original English novels. Pay attention to (dialogue) interpunction and to paragraph structure.

At the moment the structure of the story is Action! Action! Action! Action! That drives the story forward, but in the end it is boring and people will stop reading it.

We have scarcely any idea in what kind of world this story occurs. Where are we. What is this world like? What do the protagonists want? What problems are they faced with? Can they overcome those problems?

What do they see, hear, smell, feel? What are their faults and strengths? What are their personalities like?

I like the story line. I think this will be interesting, please continue. 1 recommendation, after he upgrades, show the info of his levels etc. like you did when he first got his class. That is easier to understand than reading it in a paragraph.

This story is just bizarrely written. I mean just atrocious grammar. I don't think I've ever seen anything quite like it. I mean between the grammar, the syntax, using incorrect words at times, and the odd habit of repeating ideas over and over it all comes off as so strange. Feels like it was written by a poor AI.

I know you have multiple chapters, but I am going to comment as I go. It seems fairly obvious to me that english isn't your first language, or if it is perhaps you are on the younger side. Either way while not difficult to read per se, it feels disjointed. The story itself is "borrowed" from Dungeons and Dalliances which in and of itself it fine as long as it's just inspired by and not full on plagerism. You should give a nod to that author in your notes though.

I would highly recommend an editor to help clean up your story a bit.

Lots of potential here

Interesting premise.

I don't get why theevilsmurf thinks this is borrowed from dungeons and dalliances as the protagonist there is a futanari . So total change in dynamic. Were you sincere Mr smurf or were you just evil ? And are you Blue dabba dee ? You may think it's the meaning of life but it could just be 6 times 7.