Haunted Mind

This is not a kinky/freaky Halloween tale. If you're not in the mood for serious and intelligent conversations, thoughtful romance, and a Halloween mystery, I recommend skipping this story. Otherwise, enjoy!

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The college goth girl always has a particular look. I was told I look like a short-haired, adult version of Wednesday Adams. It's not on purpose. That's just what I look like. I hate wearing bright colors, and I hate the world most of the time. High school bored me into suicidal fantasies by the hour. "She's gifted!" they said. "She's disturbed," they also said. "Put her in advanced classes and challenge her." "No, then she won't make friends her own age." I never had any real friends anyway. Most people can't handle or understand my state of mind. I'm not trying to be edgy. My mental state is simply cursed, making my life a waking nightmare on top of the horrors of reality.

Bipolar type II is the official diagnosis. Add a good dose of social anxiety, hyperarousal, and manic focus, and you suddenly live on a different planet than most people. Rapid cycling Bipolar II is an insidious illness that creates a mental and physical high and then a mental and physical crash of despair that leaves you yearning for death. It's like being a heroin addict without the drugs. Actually, it's more like living at the end of a live-wire that you have to keep holding because it keeps you alive while also killing you. Some people are tortured by their own minds, and dimwitted individuals cannot relate.

Naturally, my mind found an unhealthy way to deal with the anxiety and psychotic mood swings. I developed multiple personalities, and I'm aware of all of them. It's not as dramatic as it sounds. My mind uses the malfunction like an on/off switch to manage crippling social anxiety and fear. I know when I change, and I know how to hide it. Life for me is pretending to be normal on the outside while a freak show plays out on the inside. My thoughts are utterly shocking between my different personalities, and it's hard not to act out when a mood swing leaves you enraged or crippled with despair. Good and evil exist together, but actions ultimately define us. I strive to never cross that line and turn my horrible thoughts into actions, even though my imagination does it every day.

To cope with the inner freak show, I chase mental stimulation and physical pleasure to prolong the mania and avoid the black abyss of depression that follows it. I excelled in art, philosophy, writing erotica, chess, sports, physics, theoretical physics, and quantum physics, and then, I suddenly discovered the nature of reality, and my depression worsened. Did you know the future doesn't magically appear as we perceive it? It is already written and waiting for our consciousness to move through it. Free will really is an advanced illusion. Albert Einstein once wrote, "People like us who believe in physics know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion." That also means "Time, space, and motion are stubborn illusions." That's my quote. Our consciousness is the thing that is moving through an unmoving storyline, just like reading a book. The story already exists. We just haven't perceived it yet. We have infinite storylines that we can act out from the prison of our bodies, but no matter what we choose, the future is already written. Life cannot exist without order. Thus, order always precedes existence.

So... HOW do you fucking live knowing you're trapped within a sick experiment called existence? My life may as well be a horror movie, minus the fun jump scares and fake blood, except on Halloween. I can wear as much fake blood as I want then. It's my favorite holiday. Everyone can be a freak on Halloween. Most of the year, I have to pretend I'm normal while riding a cyclone of mania and despair that chips away at my sanity. Years of nauseating medication didn't ease the misery and often made it worse. My strongest medicine is my imagination, where I can explore adventures and pleasure that reality has denied me. I honestly think my body is desperate for pleasure because I feel pain and annoyance most of the time. My mental state makes relationships an overwhelming chore. Thus I have to pleasure myself when I want it, so even pleasure is tiring. Going back to my earlier statement, college goth girl fits my mental state and my natural look. So, I'll stop rambling and get on with the story.

God, there I was again. In a class I shouldn't have taken. I hate qubits programming, but I love the idea of exploiting... I mean, using quantum computers to solve the world's problems... or using it to destroy the world in one fell swoop. The instructor, pretty-eyes Theodore Collins, was a pleasant distraction. I admired the golden highlights in his dark brown hair as he attempted to explain superposition and how quantum computers use it to speedily calculate complex outcomes.

"Our primary goal is to design a stable and scalable quantum system to help reduce errors and maybe one day overcome decoherence altogether."

Mr. Collins smiled as if he truly believed it would actually happen. I accidentally let out a breathy scoff at his misguided enthusiasm, pulling his pretty hazel eyes up and to the left until they found me sitting in my usual spot at the back of the lecture hall. I hated drawing attention to myself, but sometimes I indulged in it. My fucking mind didn't know what it liked most of the time.

"Christina, do you disagree with my statement?" he asked.

"Um... I do. You're implying engineers have to find a way to limit a superposition so we can read it. I'm not saying it's impossible. It's just damn near impossible."

"Wait, limit a superposition? How does that work?"

"Exactly. It doesn't. Past, present, and future exist together all at once as a perfect, infinite picture. Time and motion are illusions. Physics supports that reality. Sadly, we perceive reality as a limited storyline. Thus, we are fundamentally blind in the face of pure quantum behavior. We can't directly measure the infinite state of superposition. Yet we're supposed to design something to magically sustain and read this infinite data? Even with Feynman's probability amplitude, it's utterly daunting. Honestly, capturing a tornado would be easier."

I stopped talking when I noticed people's disgruntled stares. I was overly passionate about quantum physics and often doubted my intelligence even though my theories were well supported. The way people reacted to my explanations is what made it embarrassing. Mr. Collins was staring at me with a solid scowl line between his thick eyebrows. Was I rude by accident again? Shit... I just implied his class was pointless. The rest of my classmates rolled their eyes and waited for Mr. Collins to respond.

"Thank you, Christina. That's a lot to think about. See me after class. I want to hear more."

My classmates chuckled, making me think Mr. Collins was mocking me. Fuck it. I didn't give a good goddamn what anyone thought of me anyway. Why did I even bother speaking in the first place? They were all lucky I didn't carry mace anymore. My mood was abysmally low and angry as the students dispersed. I took a deep breath and approached Mr. Collins's desk to apologize.

"Sorry for rambling, Mr. Collins. I'm not good at focusing sometimes."

He laughed and shook his head at me.

"That's not true. Your focus is excellent."

He smiled at me for a moment, making me feel strange inside. He was very cute when he smiled.

"Um, can I go now?" I asked.

"Of course, but I did want to talk about what you said. Where did that come from?"

I sighed and rolled my eyes. It was confession time.

"It's an educated guess. I discovered that our consciousness behaves like particles as it moves through reality, sensing one storyline at a time, sensing one particle arrangement at a time. That's why we can't directly measure superposition. We can only perceive limited storylines. Then I realized order always precedes existence, meaning the future already exists. Thus, reality is a prison that pretends to give us choices. We get to 'choose' a predetermined path. If we were truly free, we could manipulate reality. We can do that in our imaginations, at least. Thus, I'm skeptical quantum computers will amount to much, but I also understand how powerful it would be if we could make it work."

Mr. Collins stared at me for a moment. I feared he was about to laugh.

"I don't know what to say to that," he smiled.

"Mr. Collins, I don't like being mocked. It really fucks up my mood. I also need to find some lunch. Have a good day," I sighed and headed for the door.

"Christina, I'm not mocking you. I'm stunned by what you said. It's incredible. I love it."

He loved it? I somehow doubted that. I looked at him again, wondering if he was leading me on. I had many flirtatious instructors over the years, and I usually shut it down fast. No one really liked me once they got to know me, and I needed to protect my grades.

"Are you flirting with me?" I scowled.

His brow shot up, making me think he was genuinely surprised by the accusation.

"No. I'm impressed by your mind. It's your most powerful asset."

He was blushing by that point, and my evil side crawled to the surface.

"Oh, so now you're calling me ugly?" I accused.

"No, Christina. You're very attractive. Why are you so confrontational?"

"I'm not," I blushed.

We stared at each other for a moment. I needed to pretend I was sane and diffuse the situation before I endangered my grade.

"I'm sorry. I guess I don't know how to take a compliment. I'm used to people making fun of my theories, including instructors."

His expression fell after that explanation.

"I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm sure it's because they're intimidated by you. I know I am, but I'm not going to be mean in an attempt to hide it."

I looked at him in surprise after that. I liked the idea of him being intimidated by me. Then, I felt guilty for liking it. That made me like it even more. Was I feeling inspired?

"Thank you, Mr. Collins. That means a lot to me."

"Please, just call me Theo. 'Mr. Collins' makes me sound old."

I hummed and nodded. Then, my curiosity got the better of me.

"How old are you?" I asked.

"Twenty-eight. How old are you?"

"Twenty-two. Why do you ask?

"Why did you ask?" he smirked.

I blushed and chewed the inside of my lip. I had already imagined all the possible scenarios of what a relationship with Theo might be like. I couldn't ignore handsome and intelligent men, and if they actually demonstrated empathy, it made me want to love them and do dirty things to them. My raw emotions and vivid imagination never stopped pulling me down rabbit holes. It was a bad idea to actually pursue my desires, but it would be a fun distraction, which I didn't need if I wanted to keep my grades up. God, I hated life, even when it tempted me with something I might enjoy. I knew it would eventually lead to disappointment because my burned-out self couldn't handle the mental load. Shit.

"I was just curious. Thanks for not making fun of me. I really do need to get some lunch now."

"Sure thing. Before you go, are you going to the Haunted Mansion Mystery Crawl this Saturday?"

I had to stop my eyes from rolling at the thought of socializing for Halloween. I used to love spending the holiday around people, but a midlife crisis at eighteen ruined it for me. I had a simple tradition on Halloween. If it didn't rain, I would go home to the family farm and walk in the south field under the harvest moon. That was my plan for Sunday, so my Saturday was actually free, but Theo didn't need to know that.

"Probably not. I have other plans."

His expression fell again. Then he looked at me curiously.

"Would you want to go if you could? Is something preventing you from going?" he pressed.

"Honestly, if I thought I would enjoy it, I would go."

"Would having someone go with you make it enjoyable?"

"It might," I nodded.

"Um, if you decide to skip your other plans, I would like to go with you to the event if you can tolerate my presence," he offered.

I stared at him with wide eyes for a moment.

"Okay. I'll think about it."

"Thank you," he smiled.

Theo's phone chimed, and he quickly pulled it out of his pocket.

"It's my brother. I'm meeting him in a few minutes. Thanks for talking to me, Christina. Be ready for a heavy algorithm lecture Thursday."

"I will. See you then."

He smiled and nodded before I made my escape. My mind scrutinized that encounter for the rest of the day. My heart felt light as I thought about Theo's pretty eyes. Did he actually like me, or did he feel sorry for me? I was obviously a lonely loner. Either way, his advances made me manic. I needed to focus my energy before I decided to drink some espresso and go for a three-hour jog, making the inevitable crash suicidally worse. If I could rein in my emotions, I might be able to sleep and avoid a hard crash that would cause me to miss all my classes the next day. I needed to find balance. I would do one hour of exercise without espresso, write something, and then masturbate to put myself to sleep. That sometimes worked. I wouldn't be getting any studying done that night. I also needed to figure out what the Haunted Mansion Mystery Crawl actually was. If it was a Halloween-themed binge-drinking adventure, I would avoid the event and think less of Theo for inviting me.

A quick internet search revealed it to be a wine and beer-tasting event with tapas that included tours of three historic properties on the edge of town. Participants were encouraged to dress in Victorian-style costumes to add to the ambiance. Each house would present its visitors with a spooky mystery to solve while enjoying a selection of locally sourced spirits and delicacies. That actually sounded enjoyable, but I refused to get excited about it. If I expected to be disappointed, the actual disappointment would be less depressing. Please, don't think I'm being dramatic. Simple shit could send me spiraling into despair for days. I knew how to deal with myself.

Despite managing my expectations Tuesday evening, I was still distracted by the potential date with Theo. I had avoided a crash and could pretend Wednesday was normal, but my lunch break was derailed by the object of my distraction. I stepped out of the dining hall with my turkey sandwich and latte to discover Theo sitting at my favorite picnic table under the west oak. He looked like he was talking to himself, but then I noticed his phone on the table. For two semesters straight, I had never seen him visit the North Campus dining hall. He was likely waiting for me after confirming his interest in me on Tuesday. My first impulse was to go back inside just to spite him, but I didn't want to. I wanted to sit with Theo and ask him why he was in my favorite spot. So, I told Miss Anxiety and Miss Pessimist to go fuck themselves and proceeded to my favorite spot. Theo smiled and put his phone away when I sat down across from him. I nodded in greeting. Then, I proceeded to eat my sandwich as I admired the orange and red maple trees in front of the dining hall. Some drama students were carving pumpkins under them for their up-and-coming production of Sleepy Hollow, which I would probably go see alone on Thursday night.

"Uh, hi, Christina," Theo announced, sounding unsure of himself.

"Hello. Why are you in my favorite spot?"

I was still avoiding his gaze.

"I was hoping to speak with you outside of class for a change. Is that okay?"

I shrugged and nodded, pretending I could care less until I really started feeling that way. It was difficult to switch moods sometimes. My behavior didn't seem to discourage Theo.

"Great. Have you made a decision about the Haunted Mansion Crawl?"

I took a deep breath and nodded as I continued to watch the drama students.

"And?" he pressed.

"I would like to go with you," I confirmed, instantly making myself anxious.

"Wonderful, thank you," he breathed.

He sounded happy and relieved, causing me to look at his face. He gave me an embarrassed smile that made the corners of his big hazel eyes crinkle just above his cheeks, reminding me of Jensen Ackles, who played Dean in Supernatural, my all-time favorite show and celebrity crush. My attraction to Theo doubled at that point, and my easily triggered emotions responded accordingly. I was suddenly horny, anxious, and annoyed. Damn it!

"Excuse me?" Theo asked in confusion.

"What? Did I say 'Damn it!' out loud?"

"You did. Why?"

I'm sure my cheeks turned crimson at that point.

"Shit..." I sighed and took a few deep breaths to calm the war inside me.

Theo watched me with his lips pursed in concern. He was probably reconsidering the whole date thing at that point. I managed to get my shit together by the fifth breath. Then, I calmly sipped my latte and looked at Theo again.

"Sorry. I'm a bit weird if you haven't noticed."

I calmly began eating my sandwich again, trying to force my mood into callous boredom.

"I noticed. I actually have a theory about it. That's another reason why I wanted to speak with you outside of class. Can I ask you a few personal questions on the grounds of wanting to be your friend? If I offend you in any way, tell me to shut up, and I'll never mention it again. Shall I continue?"

I looked at him in surprise. I liked that he had been analyzing me and was bold enough to admit it. My anxiety cooled as my superiority complex reared her condescending head.

"Go ahead."

"Thank you. Um, I'll be blunt. Are you bipolar?"

I rolled my eyes and nodded. So much for my ability to convince everyone I was normal.

"Wow, you are really good at hiding it."

I looked at him in surprise again.

"Really? You weren't sure?"

"No. You just reminded me of someone, and I put two and two together. My older brother, Ben, is bipolar type II. He's brilliant and a loner like you. Sometimes, he's full of energy and will work tirelessly for days to finish a project. He hardly eats or sleeps when he's like that. Then, he crashes and sleeps for a week straight. If I tried to wake him up and get him to come out of his room, he would just tell me to fuck off. It worried me when he was like that, so I started staying close to him and talking to him until he brightened up some. He always thanked me afterward. He said those days were extra dark, and the talking helped him feel better. When he's not hyper-focused or deeply depressed, he is simply amazing. Like you."

My face burned with blush after that compliment. My stomach started fluttering, too.

"Are you flirting with me again?" I mumbled, feeling a little high.

"No. I'm being honest. Your outburst in class blew me away. You see things in ways I never even considered despite studying them for much longer than you. You're brilliant and beautiful, and now I know you're dealing with some serious shit. It worries me because I never see you speaking to anyone. How do you manage yourself so well? Are you medicated?"

"I don't, and I'm not," I gulped.

Theo's concern knocked the wind out of me, making me feel desperately sorry for myself. It was like pulling the lid off a hornet's nest of despair. Honestly, I had enough pent-up despair to take out a fucking army. Good thing I was a trained warrior when it came to dealing with my emotions, but a tear streamed down my cheek before I could catch it. I quickly wiped it away, but I knew Theo saw it.

"Shit," I breathed and took a few more deep breaths, calming the growing storm before it overwhelmed me.

I was not going to fucking cry in public and draw attention to myself. Anger flared up inside me at the thought, quickly overpowering the grief. Anger was easy to deal with, and rage was blissfully energizing when I wasn't tired. Without a little energy to begin with, rage would cause an adrenaline rush. Walls got punched, and things got thrown when that happened. It's scary to receive an explosion of energy while you're blind with rage. As a result, I'm good at repairing drywall.