Heart of Gold

"It only took me three days to decide. I called him and started work that day. He brought me along slowly. For a while, it was only masturbating in front of a camera. Then came girl-girl and fetish movies. I was good at torturing and humiliating men and women. I learned to stick my fingers and hands into every hole in their bodies and do other strange things that men wanted to see.

"Eventually, I did everything on the receiving end, too -- even being fisted myself and extreme bondage and torture. Anything you can see on the Internet, I've done it.

"I got more money than anyone else, because the boss told me no one as beautiful as me would ever do the things I was willing to do. He said I was the most popular model on all his fetish and extreme sex sites. He liked me a lot, although as soon as I became an actress, we stopped seeing each other. You can't do that stuff all day and have a normal relationship when you leave work.

"But he was wonderful to me, especially taking care of things I was too stupid to think of. For instance, I became a blond and a redhead, and he did things to my face with makeup, hair styles, jewelry and prosthetics.

"He said that when I retired and changed back to looking the way I look now, no one in the world would ever recognize me. I didn't believe him, but so far he's been right. I know you sometimes look at porn on the Internet, and I'm sure you've seen me, because people have stolen videos of me from his sites, and they're everywhere.

"All I did was work, exercise, eat and sleep, so I had no chance to spend the money, and I passed the amount I needed in nine months. I stuck it out for over a year to have a good cushion. You should have seen the faces at the legation when I showed them my bank book. I know they didn't believe me until they checked.

"I needed to have an explanation for all the money, and a friend who is a talented artist helped me. I became a painter, and I brought some of his amazing work to the American officials. They were convinced, and even bought some of it. Because of the exchange rate, my friend made more money on those paintings than on anything he had sold before.

"My plan was to come here as a resident alien, find a job and begin looking for my rich husband. I had enough money to last me a few years, and once I was settled, I intended to research starting a business so there would be no pressure to take the first man that came along.

"When I got here, my body and face began attracting attention, and I had a lot of dates. All the young, good-looking guys were immature or jerks or both. I'm sure some of them will change, but I didn't want to gamble on which one.

"I started dating older men, who were liars, cheaters or both. Or they were spoiled mama's boys who were more immature than the young jerks. I didn't think it was going to be this hard.

"Then I met a young man who was different. At first, I just used you as a break from my search. When you suggested we live together, I thought it would be a good situation for me that would still allow me to look around.

"Then I realized I wasn't looking. I was getting comfortable and lazy with you, even though I knew you weren't what I needed. I'm sure you're going to be successful someday, Don, but at the beginning, you and your wife are going to struggle, especially if you have children right away.

"I'm finished struggling. Also, I know the kind of person you are. You're a wonderful person, but you're not a saint, and you can't deal with the kind of person who's done what I did to get where I am.

"At first, I thought of myself as an actress, because I never did tricks. But the truth is I was not much different from the women in the streets when I walked home at night after work. In fact, I was doing things that most of them wouldn't do. I was a cold-hearted whore.

"There's nothing else to say, Don. From the look on your face, I guess we're finished now."

Don's closed his open mouth. He wanted to push his eyeballs back into his head, because he felt they were hanging out of his sockets. He had to say something, but what? Nothing came to his mind at first. Then something did. She was already pushing her chair back and getting up.

"Not so fast, Ilinka," he said. "Thanks for throwing me in the river without a paddle. Can you at least wait a minute?"

She sat down again.

"What's the use, Don? What can you say? I just told you I'm a greedy whore with a heart as cold as ice who's been using you. Don't you get it?"

She had been dry-eyed throughout her long speech, but now tears were streaming down her face.

"Then why are you crying?"

He was grasping at straws.

"I'm a great actress, Don, and I can turn on the tears whenever I need to. For all you know, I'm acting right now."

"I don't believe you, Ilinka. You say you've used me for two years. But your heart isn't cold. You've admitted there's love in there for me. To me, your heart is precious."

"Sure, Don. You watch too many movies. I'm your whore with a heart of gold. Do you even hear what you're saying? You're living in a fantasy world. Girls like me chew you up and spit you out."

"Shut up, Ilinka!" he shouted. "You're talking nonsense now, not the truth. But you're right. We're finished for today. I need to think, and I don't know where to start."

"I would start by telling your friends," she said as her tears flowed. "Maybe they'll keep you from saying any more stupid things to me."

She ran out of the room.

************

Don didn't talk to his friends. The more he thought about it, the more he realized that he didn't really care what any of them thought. The only thing that mattered was what he thought. But what did he think?

Ilinka mostly stayed out of his way the next few days. She told him she had contacted an agency to look for an apartment so she could be out of there by the end of the month.

One morning, Don woke up early and saw she was in a sound sleep. He lay looking at her body next to his. By the time she stirred an hour later, he had decided. She resisted when he told her they needed to make an appointment for that night, but he wouldn't give in.

"After you hear me out, you can do what you want," he said, "but I listened to you, so you have to listen to me. That's the American way."

*************

"I want to understand something, Ilinka," he said when they sat down later. She was acting like she did when she was humoring him about one of his American ideas that she thought was crazy.

"You are a beautiful woman, a desirable woman. I never asked you about your past, but I knew there had to be other men. You even warned me on our first date. I kept seeing you anyway because being with you was more important to me than finding out your secrets."

She was silent and looking at her nails.

"You said, you began acting in porn when you were eighteen, and you did it for one year. You're now twenty-three. Are you saying you are the same person you were then? If you are, then your whole life is a lie. You came to America to start a new life, but if you never change, how can that happen?

"When I met you, you were already much different from what you told me, and you've continued to change. I believe people can change. I'm a better person now than when I was a selfish teenager. Caring for you has made me better. You are already a good person, even though I kid you about being mercenary. I can see that you treat people differently than you did two years ago.

"You think you'll make my life miserable. But I feel with all my heart that you'll make me the happiest man on Earth. You tell me your heart is made of ice, but I feel a warm glow from deep inside you. Your heart is precious to me. I have to have your heart of gold for myself."

As he spoke, he stood up from his chair, and then he knelt in front of her. She drew back from him in fright. Her calm face was starting to come apart. Then he opened the little box.

****************

Her acting career didn't come up often until they ran into Bozo. They had been married seven years and had two children. He sometimes brought up her warning and said their marriage had been the best mistake he ever made.

When he did, she would tell him he could have had an amazing wife but he fell for her act and had to settle.

One night he told her that he was glad she wasn't threatened when he occasionally watched porn because it turned him on in a strange way. Whenever he saw a young blonde or redhead, he wondered if it was her. No, he didn't want to know which one she was, and he didn't want to know about all the men or women she performed with. But he was curious about how the industry operated.

She didn't encourage his questions, but she kept the promise she had made and told him the truth.

He asked her how often she had made videos.

"Every day," she said. "I worked a full shift Monday through Friday. It was hard work, but most of the day was spent preparing. Men want variety, so my makeup and styling changed all the time. I have hundreds of different names. The actual performance time wasn't that long, but by the time the day was done, I was exhausted. I went home and had a bath and went to sleep. On the weekends, I was in no mood to run around, so I mostly stayed at home. For that year, I saw few friends and took no vacations."

Did she ever have an orgasm?

"Many times, but it didn't matter whether I did or not. I had to learn to act as if I did, and I got so good at it that nobody on the set knew the difference. A real orgasm was something that happened unexpectedly. It was like getting paid a bonus."

How did she deal with the pain?

"A lot of it was fake, especially in the bondage videos," she said. "Bozo never did the real hard S&M stuff, even though there were plenty of actors and actresses who were willing. I hated the anal and never got used to it. I always tried to do it with some guy who was smaller, but Bozo explained that men want to see the girl stretched and suffering.

"The worst was fisting in the ass. Bozo would never let a man fist me, only women. I think he lied, but he said it was a financial decision. I'm too small back there, and it could have put me out of business for weeks and cost him money."

Did you really eat out men's asses?

"It wasn't much different than eating out pussies because professionals know how to clean themselves before they go on camera. But there are some strange people in the business, and they would enjoy playing jokes to see if they could get you to gag or even throw up on the set. After a while, you know who they are, and you avoid them, but it wasn't always possible. Like the other things, it was just part of the job."

Were you always so good at oral?

"That was one of the hardest things for me. I learned quickly, but the smell and taste made me sick. I had to learn how to spit come out so it went all over my face. I had to open my mouth and play with it and then swallow it. I had to keep going up and down as it came out of the sides of my mouth. I had to spit it back into my man's mouth. I had to share it with another girl. For some reason, it was worse when she shared hers with me.

"Afer I did it over and over, day after day, my nose and tongue became numb to the smell and taste. I would do tricks with it, like spit it out in a spiral and put my face under it so it would come down in a circle. Bozo said nobody could match me when it came to come.

"That's why you're so lucky, Don. You never told me that in America, when a woman gets married, she no longer gives blowjobs. All my girlfriends are amazed that I don't mind."

Why does the man always beat off at the end before he comes? It's much more exciting when the woman makes him come with her hands or her mouth or her pussy or her ass.

"When he needs to cover her face with come, he has to be in control. She doesn't know when it's going to start, but he does. And even if she's had a hundred facials, the stuff spurting into her mouth and her eyes may make her lose concentration. Also, men like to see the come leaving his cock and traveling into her mouth and over her face.

"But the real reason is the industry's dirty little secret and why you never want to become a porn actor. Most of the male actors can't come unless they are doing it to themselves. Remember, it's work, not love.

"For the woman, it's not hard to stop and start again and again to get into a different position while the crew adjusts the lighting or moves the cameras. For the man, it's not as easy to stop for a while and then get hard again. In the old days, before Viagra, the man used to come right away, and after they filmed the money shot, an actress would get him hard enough to fake the action. In the editing room, they would put the come shot after the fake action.

"Eventually, the men learn that in order to come exactly when and where the director wants, they need to take things into their own hands. The problem is they become conditioned, and then they can't come any other way. It's one more way that porn victimizes men."

Men?

"It's funny that people feel sorry for the girls in the videos. Most of them are just sluts who can't believe they're getting paid for what they would do for free. But most of the men are sorry losers who get sucked in, used up and discarded.

"Bozo explained to me that the women rule, because most of the people who pay for sex videos are men, and usually they are only interested in the woman. All the male actors do is service the woman, so the guy watching can imagine it's him.

"The male actors are like human dildos, totally interchangeable, and nobody cares. That's why the women make all the money and most of the men settle for peanuts. Today, they know they're lucky to get any work because with Viagra, almost any man can perform.

"The men are so funny. They strut around like they're dangerous macho pimps or gangsters, and they pierce themselves and get bizarre tattoos, but they are really pathetic wimps. They love it when they get to make a video where they can slap the girl around, because it makes them feel big for a few minutes. Even then, they know the women are getting paid extra for a little slapping and spitting while they have to take whatever crumbs they are thrown.

"That's why a lot more of them than the women get wasted by drugs and booze. They're pitiful trained monkeys who get to have sex with beautiful women for a few years before they go in the garbage."

What about diseases?

"Bozo's operation was what they called bareback. No condoms. That's why he could charge so much and pay so much. For that reason, he was super careful. He used only contract actors, and even then, we all had to give blood once a month and sometimes more often. He often said, he wished he could cage us up, because we were animals. With all the sex we were getting, why would anyone do it off the set and risk his or her career?

"I was no problem. For the whole year, I never had sex unless it was for a video. As far as I know, no one on his staff ever had a disease, including the bi actors. He didn't do gay male videos, but there were some kinds, like the cuckold videos, that had men doing stuff with men."

Was there anything you wouldn't do?

"No. After a while, I did it all. You men make distinctions and get all excited about will she do this or will she do that, or is it the first time she ever did this? For working actors and actresses, it's just a job. You do what the boss says, or you go into a different line of work."

What about all the drugs?

"Some of the crew and some performers were on drugs. Unless they messed up, nobody cared. I felt sorry for the girls who were religious. Most of them needed the drugs to be able to work. But they knew that they better not be too high, because if you got a reputation for poor performances, the word got around and nobody would touch you. I never needed drugs, because I wasn't conflicted. Every day, I was getting closer to my goal."

Were there any white slaves?

"Not white or any other color. At least not where I was. I heard that most of the white slavery stuff was for politicians to get elected. With all the cops looking for white slaves and teenage whores, why don't you hear about it more than once or twice a year, or when there's an election?"

How about suicides?

"I never knew one girl who committed suicide. I knew lots of girls who dropped out. Some of them didn't know why they were there. Some of them wouldn't do what I would do. Some of them found boyfriends and husbands. Some of them I have no idea. There were plenty of unhappy girls that I worked with, but I work with just as many unhappy women now."

You say you did everything? Then why do you refuse to do some of those now, even things that aren't that bad.

"I've tried to explain that work is work and making love is making love. You see something on the Internet like reverse cowgirl. That's work. Guys love to see that because it shows all the man's and women's equipment in action and shows the girl's face at the same time. But it's not comfortable for the woman, and there's no sense of intimacy. It's like a machine, not two people who are pleasuring each other.

"The same with anything where your body or legs are in an uncomfortable position. I did that at work for the customers. They think it's hot, because their wife or girlfriend would never do it with them. It's work, not love.

"Next time you look at some of your favorite weird positions on the Internet, watch the woman's face. A lot of the time, she's in a position facing away from the camera, but for some reason, she's always turning around to look into the lens. Do you think that's comfortable for her? After a while, she's got a sore neck.

"It's because the men want to see her facial expressions while the actor is pounding her. The expressions are usually all acting, whether she looks like she's bored or excited or in pain. You never know what she's really feeling. But the customers want to see those fake emotions and pretend they are real."

The detailed questions continued. Don was interested in everything that happened on the set, and Ilinka grudgingly explained it all to him. He began to say things like, "That would be great to watch" and "I would love to see how they do that." She felt he was leading up to something, and sure enough, one night he came out it with.

"Do you ever think about making a video with me?" he asked her.

"No, but I can tell you're thinking about it," she said. "It's not going to happen."

"You won't even consider it?"

"No."

"Is it because you are ashamed of that one year? Can't you tell that it doesn't matter to me? When I think about it now, it makes you even more exciting to me."

"Yes, that's obvious. I'm not ashamed of what I did, because it was a means to an end. I'm happy I did it, because if I hadn't, we wouldn't be happily married with two beautiful children. But I've moved on to other work that I like a lot better."

"Do you think you could ever do that again?"

"Of course. I'm a professional. I could do it again tomorrow. You don't forget that stuff. If we lost everything and our children were starving, I wouldn't hesitate. But otherwise, case closed."

"I just think it would be so exciting for us to make a porn video together, I'm sure it would be better than most of the amateur stuff I've seen on the Internet, because you know so much. I would treasure the video. Would you at least consider it, maybe as a special gift for a birthday or anniversary?"

"No Don, never! You're not listening. Work is work and love is love. I will never work with you, but I will love you. I'm not going to keep repeating this over and over. I've kept my promise to tell you everything you want to know. But I didn't promise to do it more than once. Unless you come up with some new questions, I don't want to hear about this again."