Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 035

"Gross." Further surveillance of the room told him nothing else. Either the centaurs lived boring lives in their yurts, or he was in some sort of holding cell.

Ratu squirmed, her body wrapping around his waist and squeezing. He put a reassuring hand on her through the thin fabric.

"It'll be okay," he said, keeping his voice low. "We're safe for now."

She squeezed again, then her head popped free of the bottom, surveying the room.

"Stay inside or else they'll see you." He turned away from the entry flap and walked until he was toward the back of the yurt. Serpentine coils circling his body, Ratu changed positions until she was wrapped around his torso.

She shifted inside of his shirt, her coils elongating. Small hands wrapped around his waist and a pair of legs sprouted from beneath his shirt, dangling over the ground. Her weight increased, and he tightened his abs to keep from tipping forward. Ratu's transformation suddenly stopped when her feet hit the floor, and he lifted his shirt off her head to reveal that she had transformed into a child.

"What—" he said, but she stood on her tiptoes and covered his mouth with her hand.

Satisfied that he would be quiet, she began intricate movements with her fingers. She looked younger than she had when they were in Baba Yaga's trap, her long hair hanging to her waist. The dragon on her kimono looked younger as well, flying in circles across her torso as a golden bubble expanded outward from the two of them and molded itself to the interior wall of the yurt.

"That will keep them from hearing us," she said. Despite her youth, she had her adult voice still. "Turn around and face the door."

He obeyed, and heard a rustling behind him.

"Okay, good. Now if they walk in they won't see me."

"Is that why you're a little girl?"

"Partially." He felt her hands go up the back of his shirt. "That and I'm hoping that they won't trample a little kid when they see one." Her hands moved around to his belly and slid her hands beneath his shirt.

"What are you doing?" he asked, trying not to laugh when she hit a ticklish spot.

"Stealing your body heat." The moment she said it, a chill went through him. A cold sweat broke out on his forehead and his tongue went strangely numb.

"Isn't that what you've been doing for the last couple of hours?"

"No. I've been sleeping." One hand pinched his side playfully. Her fingers were like ice. "I'm ashamed to admit it, but I got my ass beat. If you hadn't dropped the sun stone, I wouldn't have gotten away."

"What happened?"

"It wasn't a fair fight. The mountain top was covered in ice and snow, so she had a huge advantage. I think the best comparison is like trying to light a match in a storm. It was an uphill fight, and I thought I was doing okay until that damn abomination showed up."

"The dragon?"

"Pah, hardly. If it had been a dragon, you would know it. It was some type of creature stitched together with earth magic, a thing of teeth and scales and hair. Technically it isn't even alive, but that doesn't matter. It knocked me down, and I had to set fire to pretty much everything to chase it off. That's when she found me in all the smoke, and I knew that I had to escape. I spotted the stone glowing behind her in the snow, so I gave it a boost." Ratu sighed. "You're so warm."

"Not really." In fact, his toes were slowly going numb. "Who was that on the cliff? Zel called her the Snow Queen."

"Cute name. I imagine that's what the centaurs call her. No, she's a kitsune, a fox demon. She told me her name was Yuki. Kitsune and naga are a lot alike. We are both shapeshifters capable of tremendous magic, but kitsune tend to be loners, whereas naga prefer the company of others."

"Oh. Any idea on why she tried to kill me?"

"We didn't have an in-depth conversation about it. Anyway, I remember falling, and then hearing your voice. You saved me once again and kept me alive until I woke up. By then, the centaurs had us, and now we need to figure out how to get out of this mess."

"That would be nice." His teeth chattered. "So why are you stealing my body heat?"

"I'm replenishing my magic. I can think of another way that's more fun, but I don't think now is the time or place."

Mike nodded. The centaurs were upset enough as it is, he couldn't imagine their reaction to discovering that he had a magical fuck buddy.. "Are you almost done? I'm freezing."

"Almost." His fingers tingled and she let out a sigh. "There. I think that'll work."

"You can get magic from my body heat?"

"Hmm? Not really, no." Her hands moved to his back, and she leaned against him. "Your body heat was nice, but I needed something for your magic to hitch a ride on to absorb it. Magic requires symbolism with logic, a lesson most students learn eventually. By allowing me to take your body heat, I was able to initiate an exchange of magic."

"Wait, say that last part again?"

"You heard me. An exchange. You have magic, and I just took some of it. Or depleted it would be a better term. Your magic isn't like mine, so it isn't a one-to-one conversion, which is a shame."

"But what if I need it?"

She chuckled. "Are you planning to fuck your way out of here?"

Mike frowned. So far, that was the one trick up his sleeve and he knew she had a point. "No. Not without plenty of water and maybe a granola bar."

"Very funny. Right now, your magic is tied to sensuality and sexual contact. Unless you are planning to seduce an entire centaur tribe, I think I can make better use of it." Her hands became extremely warm, sending pulses of heat through his limbs. "Does that feel better?"

He could feel his toes again. "Much. So what now?"

"I'm afraid we wait. We need to know what we are dealing with."

"What if they just come in here to execute me or something?"

A hiss came from behind him. "Then I'll turn them to ash. They don't know I'm here, so we will have the element of surprise."

He really hoped it didn't come to a fight. It felt like this was a giant misunderstanding that could be solved with a little bit of diplomacy and a desire to hear him out before stabbing him with their spears.

He checked his phone. He didn't have service, but he did have his alarm set. Frowning, he turned it off. If he didn't get out of the centaur camp by nightfall, he wouldn't make it back in time to turn the sundial and then he would have the Society to deal with.

When would it end? He was exhausted, and the appearance of Yuki the snow bitch had further complicated things. Who was she, and why did she try to kill him? Usually he got a few moments to aggravate someone before they tried to off him.

He paced in the back, Ratu staying by his side the whole time. An hour passed while they brainstormed. Ratu debated the merits of smoking out the camp or transforming into a large serpent and scaring the centaurs. She examined his two remaining vials, the one for hiding and the acidic one for escaping. He had given Zel the worst-case scenario vial, surprised that she hadn't used it.

Then again, only she knew what it did. She must have had a good reason to tuck it away for later.

Two hours passed, and the daylight coming through the yurt dimmed. Mike was growing anxious, checking the time left off on his phone. He had tried to look out the flap more than once, but a pair of horse butts had greeted him each time. The centaurs guarding him had turned just enough to aim a pair of threatening kicks his way, and he decided to quit looking.

Ratu gave up shadowing him and found an inconspicuous part of the yurt to hide in. Crouched down, she was hard to spot, and spent time drawing symbols in the dirt. Thinking it was an attempt at a plan, Mike had approached, expecting a rough drawing of the camp.

Nope. She had drawn a chibi-style rendition of Asterion having a picnic with Beth.

"Really?" he asked.

She shrugged. "It's not like I have anything better to do?"

He groaned inwardly. She was right, there was nothing to be done. Frustrated, he walked across the yurt and kicked one of the buckets. It bounced off the back wall and clattered to a halt.

Eventually the flaps of the yurt opened. Ratu vanished with a faint pop, her serpentine form slithering beneath the leaves and grass on the floor. In walked Zel, her face a mask of misery. She was followed in by a female centaur with dark skin and thick braids along her back.

"I'm so sorry about all this," she said, but Mike held up a hand to silence her.

"I don't need apologies. I need answers. How fucked are we?"

The centaur with Zel grimaced at his language, but said nothing. He noticed she carried a sword across her waist.

"Very. I invoked parley to keep us alive long enough to get away, but a chance didn't come up and now we're stuck here."

"Clearly. And isn't parley some kind of fancy pirate speak? Why are centaurs invoking it?"

Zel rolled her eyes. "The Herd loves their rules. You have to understand that centaurs hold honor and tradition above all else. That being said, it isn't uncommon for them to find fun new traditions to absorb and observe until the end of time, the more formal the better. Parley came about during the last great purge in the eighteen hundreds or so."

"The purge?"

She nodded. "Centaur history is a mess, but the reason there aren't centaurs on Earth is because they were either killed or they went somewhere else, like here. It was called the purge because my people had to make the choice to fight or leave, and the different tribes kept warring for leadership as we migrated together. Parley is something we picked up from the French. Or maybe the British, I'm not sure. But the Herd put it in place so that tribes could approach each other without fear of death."

"Sounds vicious."

"The centaurs of old were very uptight. My people are considered very liberal in their ways by comparison."

"They were going to kill us."

"They still might." She cast a nervous look at the centaur next to her. "How's your stomach, by the way? Still all twisted up?"

He could tell she was asking about Ratu. "Oh, it's fine. So explain to me why there's a centaur tribe in my wardrobe."

"Ah, that. That's a surprise to me as well." She moved toward the side of the yurt and sat, her legs folding beneath her. The other centaur remained standing, her hand laid across the hilt of her sword. "This place is a pocket dimension. When the Herd was migrating, we were offered a chance to come here and be the protectors of this place. As long as we kept intruders out, we could live here in relative piece."

"And who offered you guys that?"

"That's... an interesting story. Nobody can remember him. Or her. It was many generations ago, but a bargain was struck. This place is actually an island. If you sail away, you end up on the other side of the island, almost as if we were on a tiny planet."

Mike nodded. "The Architect, maybe?"

"Or an early Caretaker. Hard to say. Anyway, Emily came here many years ago, before I was born. My people fought with her, but she kept sneaking in and out with the help of the Snow Queen."

"Why did she keep coming here?"

"The tower. It was here before we were and is supposed to hold dangerous magic. That's why we were appointed as guardians of this place, to keep intruders from going to the tower."

He remembered his brief glance at the impressive structure, and something niggled at the back of his mind in thinking about it. "So you used the wardrobe to get to Earth?"

"No. When I snuck to Earth those years ago, I did not emerge from a wardrobe, but from a magical tree in the backyard of your house. It was difficult, but my aunt figured out how to do the magic that Emily did. The Snow Queen got trapped here many years ago, but now I think that Emily chopped down that tree after we found a way to pass through it."

"She made it into the wardrobe." Interesting. "But why not burn it down entirely and lock her here forever?"

Zel shrugged. "I don't have that answer for you. All I know was that when I stepped through the wardrobe, one of my worst fears had been realized and I got caught up in my own disbelief. If I had just pushed you back through, we wouldn't be in this mess."

"So tell me about this mess."

"Well, here's the short version. When I disappeared, it was assumed that Emily took me from the Herd. That was the story my aunt encouraged when she returned, but they saw through her lie. Now that we're back, Orion has demanded that we follow through with our pre-arranged marriage."

"That dick was your fiance?"

Her face reddened. "He didn't recognize me. My father took his father's place as Grand Stallion when he passed away. Now he wants me back so that he can solidify power prior to my own father's passing and lead the Herd."

"Tell him no."

"Well, that's where things get complicated."

"They're already complicated, Zel."

"Yes, they are. I informed them that you had a claim to me that exceeded Orion's. They... didn't like hearing that."

"A claim? Did you tell them we're married or something?"

She blushed. "No. If I had said that, we would have both been executed. I told them I swore a debt to you to protect your home, which lies outside of this realm. I told them all about the Society and your battles with them and also about that time you saved me from the Mandragora."

"Ah, yes. That time I saved your life." He had no idea what lies she had told and wasn't about to embellish details in front of her security detail, so blindly agreed. "You didn't share house secrets with your people, right?"

"Of course not. Centaur honor would frown highly on that."

"I'm sure. So what now?"

"Orion has demanded a trial."

"What have I been accused of?"

"Not a human trial, A centaur trial. Centaurs are a proud race, and we tend to settle our differences with a fight to the death or feats of strength and dexterity."

"And he didn't choose fight to the death?"

"Oh, he did. But after I told them about your battles with the Society, he was talked out of it. Emily was a powerful foe capable of magic we've never seen and the fear is that a death match would cause you to lash out at the Herd during such a battle. Orion wasn't happy with the decision, but saw its wisdom."

"Uh huh. Well, unless the feats involve shit like putting on pants and paying taxes, I'm guessing it won't go well for me at all." Naia's magic had given his body more definition, but he wasn't magically stronger as a result. Just leaner.

"Well, and there's the other problem. You see, if Orion wins, I am to be married to him right away. And when that occurs, I will be mated before the entire tribe. Then everyone will know how little... I care for him." Her eyes glanced at the other centaur.

"I see." If he lost, then Orion would discover Zel's secret. He already knew what that meant. "So, what do you suggest?"

"The trials are similar to archaic tests of manhood. You will be asked to complete certain tasks and then compared to Orion's performance. However, I know that with the right preparation, you could slither through these tasks with relative ease."

"Uh huh." Okay. She wanted Ratu to help him cheat. He had zero qualms about that. "And then what?"

"Well, if you win, then I won't have to marry Orion."

"And we can leave?"

She looked at the ground, her hands fidgeting. "Not quite. The centaurs want you disposed of. Permanently."

"Then why bother making me go through these trials?"

"Because technically you haven't been granted parley yet. Orion's challenge has to be dealt with first because my betrothal is at issue. Afterward, you must deal with my father."

He sighed. He didn't have time for this, but kept that thought to himself. "So what will happen then?"

"I don't know." Her eyes were misting up. "But that's our best chance for survival."

He frowned. Captured by centaurs, forced to endure trials with an uptight hunter, and then a meeting with the chieftain that would likely end with his death. He sat down on the grass floor and put his head in his hands.

He felt trapped. The moment he had opened the door of the wardrobe, he had become buried beneath a slew of problems that left him gasping for air. He didn't know what he had done to deserve such a fate, and his inability to simply fix things left him feeling like an absolute failure.

No. Everything bad that had happened since the house expanded was a result of the things Emily had done. Whatever she had been up to had generated a significant amount of fallout and he was officially sick of being the punching bag for it.

He grabbed the hilt of his dagger and squeezed it in frustration, then let it go. Getting mad would get him nowhere. What would Naia suggest if she were here? He wished he could talk to her and get her advice. Or even talk to Zel without the silent centaur listening.

He turned his attention back to Zel.

"Tell me about these trials. What trumped up bullshit do I have to do?"

"A feat of strength, a feat of dexterity, and a feat of endurance. The trial ends when one of you has failed twice. The feat of strength is a tug of war. The feat of dexterity involves shooting a bow. And the feat of endurance means running to the sea and back. Whoever makes it first wins, obviously."

An idea hit him. "Do I have to do them in that order?"

"Yes."

The feat of endurance would involve being out in the open. If he could just win the feat of strength or dexterity, he would get a chance to make a break for it, and he thought he knew just how it could be done."Okay then," he said, smiling. He officially had a plan.

He turned to the guard. "Well, when you leave and report back to whoever, tell them that the Caretaker is pissed, but is happy to undertake Orion's trials. Oh, and when I win, Orion can kiss my ass in front of the whole Herd for wasting my time with this petty bullshit."

This comment made the centaur scowl, but she remained silent.

"No, I'm serious. I'm twice the man he is. Literally." He pointed at his legs for emphasis.

The centaur snorted, anger blossoming in her cheeks.

"Mike..." Zel hissed.

He ignored her. "Honestly, he may as well challenge me to a cartwheel competition. Stupid horse."

The guard drew her blade and stepped toward him, but he held his ground. Fear, anger and loathing emanated from the centaur in waves. That was the reaction he had been hoping for, and he gave her the biggest cocky grin he could muster. If she was this mad, he could only imagine how pissed Orion would be, and he was going to need the whole Herd good and mad at him for what he had planned.

After several tense moments of silence, Zel rose and left, escorted by her guard. Ratu came out of hiding and transformed into a little girl again.

"I question the wisdom in antagonizing angry centaurs," she told him, curiosity in her eyes.

"I'll tell you exactly why." He pulled one of the vials from his pocket. "But first, let's discuss how we're all going to get out of here together."

--

I super hope you enjoyed that chapter because I had fun writing it! Next chapter will feature Beth's return to the house and Mike's master plan for escape and you won't want to miss it!

I'll see you next time!