Home for Horny Monsters Ch. 066

"FUCK!" War yanked his sword out of the ground and hurled it into the fog.

"As such, I am ready to pass down judgment." Mehkhkahrel looked at Death. "It's time for you to return to the Void."

"Objection!" Beth moved in front of Death. "You said yourself that his being here was an accident. Now you intend to penalize my client for committing no crime!"

"But I believe I established that either Death must participate in the Apocalypse or he must be dismissed." Mehkhkahrel tried to cross his arms across his chest, but they stuck out straight instead and made an X.

"But you also agreed to abide by the laws of this land. He's the defendant, and if he is proven innocent, you don't get to punish him for it."

"Your Honor." Famine wore a shit-eating grin. "This young lady argues that her client be allowed to remain, as he was summoned against his will. Is that correct?"

"It is." Mehkhkahrel's eyebrow lifted in interest.

"Well, since we were also summoned against our will, I argue that we be allowed to remain as well. It's only fair, per the laws of this land." Famine turned his gaze on Beth. "In fact, you can go ahead and send us all back to Earth right now."

"No." Beth's voice barely broke a whisper. Mehkhkahrel himself had said that all four of them on Earth together was the qualifying event.

Famine chuckled. "I'm sorry, little lady, do you have an objection? You see, we aren't eager to go back to the Void. We have things we've just been dying to do out here. So what do you say, Your Honor? After all, it's only fair."

"Ob...objection!" Beth held up her hand. "Dismissal of the case by the prosecution with current terms would put undue hardship on my client."

"On what grounds?" Famine sneered at her. "You ain't gonna win this."

"If these four should walk the Earth together, then the Apocalypse starts. Death would be forced against his will to join in, which could be seen as a form of indentured servitude, forced labor, or even slavery. All of which is forbidden by the laws of my land." She glared at Famine, then turned to Mehkhkahrel. "You said so yourself that you would agree to our laws, but it seems like every choice made leads to the destruction of my whole planet. That would indicate a premeditated bias on your part, and you said you were free of such a thing."

Mehkhkahrel regarded all of them in silence for several seconds. War tried to say something, but Pestilence put a hand over his mouth.

"I have much to ponder," Mehkhkahrel finally revealed. "Both sides have shown much logic this day, and I see that this child is right. To dismiss this case would be to unfairly punish the defense."

Beth let out a sigh of relief.

"But the prosecution has rights as well. So it would seem we are at an impasse." Mehkhkahrel looked at the horsemen. "I think it would behoove both sides to think of what they want the outcome to look like. In forty-eight hours time, we shall reconvene. At that time, we shall determine Death's fate, as well as the world's." He lifted his gavel and slammed it down. A shockwave rippled out, causing him and the horsemen to vanish in its wake.

Beth sank to her knees, her heart pounding and her mouth dry. She had come so close!

"Countess Bethany, I know this may be a bad time, but someone is trying to get your attention." Death pointed at the house. When she looked over her shoulder, she saw Cecilia frantically waving her arms.

"Of course they are. And I don't like that title, either. Too stuffy." Beth rose and straightened her skirt. She was almost to the porch when Cecilia grabbed her by the hand and pulled her through the open door. Inside, Tink was on the couch in the living room, her eyes closed and her breathing shallow.

Kisa stood over the goblin with tears in her eyes. "I found her in the basement," she said. "Just outside the Vault. She won't wake up."

"Tink? Tink!" Beth knelt on the couch and gave her a shake. She put her head on Tink's chest and heard the dim thumping of her heart. "What was she doing outside the Vault?"

"I don't know." Kisa stood. "But it's open. I tried to shut it, but the door won't close. I could hear something inside whispering to me, it wanted me to come in. It's some kind of spirit, so it didn't really have any effect on me."

"Okay, let's move her to my room. Our visitors outside are gone for now, so let's get everyone accounted for. Cecilia, please go find Reggie and Jenny." She stood at the bottom of the stairs and raised her voice. "Lily! I need you right now!"

The door of Mike's room opened and the succubus came out, still in child form.

"What's happening?" she asked.

"The usual. World is ending, evil entity in the basement. Sound like fun?"

Lily hopped over the railing and fell three stories, her body expanding as she became an adult again. She landed in a crouch, her tail whipping out behind her.

"I could kick a little ass." Lily grinned. "Let's go see what's haunting the basement, shall we?"

"Okay, looks like we're ready." Eulalie had a mass of equipment spread out on Murray's dining room table, and she snapped the casing of the small drone she had purchased shut.

Sofia stood nearby, her face in awe.

"How did you afford all of this?" she asked.

Eulalie had purchased a trio of laptops, some headsets, two phones and a drone. It had been a couple of years since she had played with one. She used to have a racing drone that she lost to an accident with a barn owl, and just hadn't had the heart to build a new one after.

Besides, testing military drones was far more fun.

"My entire life, I've lived in a house with no bills. My father used to make spare money selling wood carvings so he could afford some luxuries, it isn't like we didn't have plenty of time." Eulalie had finished setting up the third laptop. Though they weren't top-of-th- line models, they were very capable of downloading and installing a modified hard drive backup she had stored in the cloud for just such an occasion. "After I finished school and started doing government work, all I had to do was make some key investments based on rumor, speculation, and maybe a little market manipulation."

"You bought stocks?"

"Nah. I don't really understand stocks." She smirked. When she sat in front of a computer screen, it was possible to see so many patterns in the data that she examined, to scrutinize code at an inhuman speed. "I did mine a ton of Bitcoin when it first came out. Hacked a bunch of university computers to do it when class wasn't in session. May have been slightly illegal. Tried to convince Dad that we could afford to buy our own place wherever we wanted once the price went up, but he was against it. Apparently, money can buy everything but a magical barrier, and even those aren't a hundred percent foolproof. I even faked a human identity to cash out, but don't want to pay taxes on it yet."

She picked up the drone and handed it to a rat. "Can you take this outside, please?"

The rat pondered the object in its paws, and sniffed the edge before nibbling on the plastic.

"No, not food. Take it outside." She held up the piece of paper she had drawn on earlier. It was a cartoon rat holding the drone in the air outside of the house. She had found some pens and paper in Murray's junk drawer and put them to good use.

The rat nodded and left.

Eulalie looked at the screen to her left. She had set the middle laptop up on top of a book to elevate it, and the other two were on the sides. She watched a rat's eye view video feed on the screen and waited until it was outside to launch it. When its motors came to life, the rat nearly dropped it, then bolted back inside as the drone took off facing the wrong way.

On the middle screen, she logged in to her custom VPN and bounced the signal around the world a few dozen times before jacking into some local government accounts. She had been paid almost a decade back to do a threat analysis on a similar system, and apparently, these guys had never acted on the memo she sent about vulnerabilities.

On the third screen, she went through a similar process but also tried to dig up any cameras operating in the area. It took a bit longer, but she eventually used an old government contractor account that enabled her to download video logs from doorbell cameras around the neighborhood.

"I won't even pretend to understand what you're doing," Sofia muttered.

"I'm multitasking." Eulalie stared at the data as it came in on multiple screens. Her spider eyes allowed her to watch all three at once, and she sat back on her rear legs and used her front legs on the touchpads of the computers to help her navigate. "Looks like the drone is up."

On their screen, the house came into view. At first, it looked normal, but Eulalie realized that something was off. The yard was disproportionate to the house, and it seemed smaller somehow.

"Weren't there three levels?" she asked. "And the porch looks tiny. Wasn't there an extra room over here?"

"Shit." Sofia leaned in and squinted at the screen. "This is the version of the house that appears when the real house is asleep. That can only mean one thing."

"Which is?"

Sofia shook her head. "The Caretaker has died. Something has happened to Mike in Oregon, that's the only explanation." Tears shimmered in the corners of her eye.

"Oh." She felt her breath hitch in her chest. If Mike had died, what had happened to her sister? Or Bigfoot? Was Emery okay? It felt like the world was spinning around her, and her legs began to wobble. What had she gotten them into?

"Who's that?" The drone had been on a pre-programmed flight path, but she clicked it over to manual and had the drone fly lower. A pale figure was wandering along the edge of the property, scratching his head.

"That's Sulyvahn." Sofia frowned. "That doesn't make sense. If the house got locked up, it should have taken him, too."

Eulalie lowered the drone until it was facing Sulyvahn. He gave it a suspicious look, his dark eyes menacing. The dullahan looked like he was ready to pounce. "If he's roaming around, then the house isn't under attack. It's getting dark, please get his attention over the wall before he breaks my new toy."

"I'm on it." Sofia left the kitchen and went out the back door. Eulalie watched as Sulyvahn regarded the drone with anger, then turned in recognition. Satisfied that Sofia's job was done, she continued reconnaissance of the property.

Out behind the house, Amymone was sitting on the edge of the fountain. In her arms, Naia appeared to be weeping openly. "Interesting." So the house was asleep but hadn't taken anyone outside of it. Why was that? Shouldn't the geas have kept them all together?

The back door of the house slammed shut, and Sofia appeared with Sulyvahn in tow.

"Yer a right sight," he declared. "Sofia tells me ye were stuck in the Library?"

"Indeed we were." Eulalie turned away from her computers. "Naia and Amymone are out back. Something is off."

Sulyvahn nodded. "The greenhouse is still open. I went to check on the centaurs, and when I came back, the house was locked up. I broke in through the back to find a dusty old home. It dinna be making any sense!"

"Hmm." Eulalie steepled her fingers and pondered. There was plenty of data to be had, but she lacked the knowledge needed to consider the next step. "I take it this hasn't happened before?"

"It's like someone scooped up the house." Sofia's face was pale. "And that isn't all. The geas went with it. Whatever happened there left everyone remaining vulnerable. If someone were to attempt something, the house is defenseless."

Eulalie looked at the small contingent of drones she had on the counter, waiting to be used. She looked back at the screen, her eyes focusing on Naia. She tapped the screen. "What did Naia say about all this?"

Sulyvahn shrugged. "She dinna say much, bein' a wee bit disheveled. Somethin' about a sleepin' home and bein' disconnected."

"Okay, so we've established that the house is there, but only in facsimile. Assume it's like a virtual computer and could collapse at any time." Ideas were flitting through her head now at a rate she couldn't keep up with. "Establish a perimeter. We can monitor the situation from here. If the greenhouse was unaffected, it should be safe to use as a base of operations for the centaurs." She picked up the phone and handed it to Sulyvahn. "Your kind don't sleep, correct?"

"Nay, lass." He took the phone. "Seems like ye think yer bein' in charge."

"That's because I am." She glowered at him. "I may be an apex predator with legs that just won't quit, but I'm also the only one here who understands how to live in the modern-day age of information. While I'm in here making certain that nobody makes a move on the house, I need you out there. You are the only one of us who can remotely pass as human, and I suspect you can handle yourself in a fight. You can use the phone to check-in." She picked up an earpiece and gave it to him. "If I call, just press the button on the side. Every eight hours, bring the earpiece and phone back for a fresh pair. I've programmed my number into them already, just unlock it and find me in contacts." She held up one of the spare phones and demonstrated.

Sulyvahn picked up the earpiece and shoved it in his ear. "I know a queen when I be hearin' one," he muttered. "Ye never argue with a queen."

"I'll call if I catch any movement. Dana told me she was doing drone work for the centaurs. Take some rats and have them bring back whatever you can find in her workshop, I could use the spares."

"Aye." Sulyvahn gave her a salute and left out the back. Eulalie looked at her drone footage and saw him vault the fence into the front yard.

"What should I do?" Sofia asked.

Eulalie pondered over it, her eyes sweeping to the cracks on her legs. If someone came to the house, she could fight if necessary, but it would be dangerous. There was also the possibility that Sulyvahn could get into trouble.

"You're backup." She let out a sigh. "You're stuck here with me, and you'll hate it. Will be very boring. But if something goes sideways, I need to know that I can depend on you to bail us out."

Sofia nodded. "You can count on me."

"Good." Eulalie turned her eyes back to the monitor. Sulyvahn was in the backyard now, talking to Naia and Amymone. Soon she would have more drones and would be better able to monitor things from the sky. Even though the house was vulnerable, the web she was setting would catch anyone who tried to enter it.

Speaking of webs, it wouldn't be a bad idea to set some literal ones of her own. She didn't want someone breaking into the house and disrupting her surveillance. With a groan, she pushed away from the desk and rose to her full height. The nearby rats didn't shy away from her but raised their beady gazes in curiosity.

It was going to be a long night.

I absolutely loved writing the scene where Beth argues with the angel and the horsemen. The Apocalypse is officially on hold while both sides regroup, and Mike is officially on a small vacation with an unlikely love interest.

I can't wait to show you what happens next!

~Annabelle Hawthorne