Horny Viking Sex

Education is still of utmost importance. Indeed, I'm sure that many of you who are currently reading this work are taking a well-earned break from your studies. So, if you're a history student this will be a busman's holiday.

As you should all be aware by now I've been doing my bit to spice up your sex life during lockdown with some role play. Now you can learn something at the same time! You'll need to get in character and the costumes are bound to help in both respects.

Vikings of the time weren't big on fashion. This is set before Lodbrok's Paris raid of 845 after which they went all haute couture, so you should be able to sort out something fairly authentic on the cheap. The horny hat and axe are obligatory but apart from that it's up to you. And for the gentleman, it's glamour gown time and unless you're already a blonde, a blonde wig.

I just put that bit in because you may enjoy a bit of role reversal. I've named the characters Thor and Aethelfreda, but Thor and Aethelfred will do fine. I watched the entire series of 'Vikings' before writing this and I can assure you there were a lot of shield maidens in it!

In line 2 Æthelfreda asks "why are you in my bedroom?" This will give a telling clue to the location. The only other prop you need unless you are teetotal is a jug of your preferred alcoholic beverage and a pair of glasses (Not as in spectacles, it's not Thor the Nearsighted). Thor the Viking bursts through the door and roars bloodthirstily...

"Good morning Miss."

Æthelfreda: "What do you mean 'Good morning Miss?' And why are you in my bedroom?"

Thor: "I'm here with the raiding party."

Æthelfreda: "Raiding party? I've heard absolutely nothing about any raiding party."

Thor: "No? It's been the talk of the village where I come from for ages."

Æthelfreda: "Well nobody invited me. You can't just burst in here with that bloody great axe."

Thor: "It's largely symbolic."

Æthelfreda: "Symbollocks. Somebody could get hurt. You'd better get out!"

Thor: "Listen, this is no way to treat a visitor. I've come all the way from Kattegat."

Æthelfreda: "I suppose that would account for all the commotion. You're one of those Vikings aren't you?"

Thor: "Well duh! What do you think I'm wearing a hat with horns on for?"

Æthelfreda: "You said it was a party. I thought you'd come as a fancy-dress cow."

Thor: "That sounds like a lot of fun, but I'm a ferocious Norseman bent on rape and pillage."

Æthelfreda: "I wouldn't use the word bent. It has different connotations in this country. It sort of implies you might want to rape men."

Thor: "I'm sorry. Let me make it clear. I'm here to rape women and pillage the village. Please to pardon my English."

Æthelfreda: "On the contrary, your English is excellent."

Thor: "Thank you, I worked hard on it at school. But this is the first chance I've had to really use it in its proper context. I was absolutely delighted to be invited to come on this trip. It's really going to give me an exciting opportunity to develop my conversational English. Tell me, how's your Norse?"

Æthelfreda: "We don't learn languages at school. In fact, we don't have schools. We believe that if people want to communicate with us they should learn Anglo Saxon."

Thor: "That's a very isolationist attitude. Look at me, here in a foreign land broadening my horizons. Your country will never get on if you don't embrace your European neighbours."

Æthelfreda: "Yet you've come to rape women and pillage the village."

Thor: "But there'll still be plenty of down time for sightseeing. Perhaps you could show me around afterwards."

Æthelfreda: "What, after you've raped me?"

Thor: "It's nothing personal. I'm just doing my job."

Æthelfreda: "Well you're not doing a job on me and then going sightseeing. That's not the way we do things in this country."

Thor: "This is exactly what I mean by broadening horizons. Now how should we proceed?"

Æthelfreda: "You could start by introducing yourself pleasantly and paying me a gracious compliment."

Thor: "Good morning, my name is Thor. I noticed your cow on the way in. It's a really fine specimen. We don't have cattle of that quality back at home."

Æthelfreda: "No, not my livestock, you idiot; a personal compliment."

Thor: "Of course, you've got a great set of udders. Now can we do it?"

Æthelfreda: "Can we heck as like. For an educated man you're making no effort whatsoever. You've clearly got a complex and no Englishwoman is going to be swept off her feet by being compared to a cow. Why don't you try saying something nice about my hair?"

Thor: "Your hair is actually lovely and blonde. It seems to indicate you have a bit of the Scandinavian in you."

Æthelfreda: "Are you waiting for me to reply 'no' and then planning to say, "Would you like some then?"

Thor: "I thought it would amuse you."

Æthelfreda: "It's crass, immature and dated. I don't know what year it is where you come from but it's 793 here. Just say something flattering."

Thor: "You have beautiful eyes, like limpid pools."

Æthelfreda: "Thank you kind sir. Let me introduce myself. My name is Æthelfreda and let me say I'm mightily impressed by your powerful physique. Do you work out?"

Thor: "No, just a lot of heavy farm work, a healthy dairy based diet, and military training. And let me just say Æthelfreda is my favourite name and that you also look very fit."

Æthelfreda: "Yes I too work on the farm and enjoy an additive free diet."

Thor: "We seem to have a lot in common. Perhaps we could go on a date and find out more about each other."

Æthelfreda: "That sounds like a good idea, what would you suggest?"

Thor: "I haven't eaten yet, so perhaps if you haven't either you might be able to suggest somewhere we could go for breakfast. I'm not from around here so I'm not familiar with the local dining establishments."

Æthelfreda: "A wonderful idea, but it's mad out there at the moment."

Thor: "It's chaotic. You should complain."

Æthelfreda: "The neighbours are normally very quiet."

Thor: "Then it's not always like this here?"

Æthelfreda: "It's dead usually. I suggest we have a bite inside."

Thor: "If it's not too much trouble."

Æthelfreda: "It's no trouble at all. What sort of breakfast do you like?"

Thor: "Whatever you've got will be fine."

Æthelfreda: "I've got a tasty bit of mutton left over from last night's supper, and how about a nice jug of meodu to wash it down?"

Thor: "Sounds perfect. The English cold mutton's my favourite and though I've never had meodu before, I love nice jugs."

Æthelfreda: "Then I'll get my jugs out and pop off to the pantry for the mutton."

Thor: "There's really no reason to go to all of the trouble of going to the pantry."

Æthelfreda: "Then we'll just have a drink. Bottoms up!"

Thor: "Skol!"

Æthelfreda: "This is just like being out for a pint at the local tavern."

Thor: "Or as we say, half a litre at the nearest krog. Though may I mention this, your meodu is even better than our lager."

Æthelfreda: "It's a contemporary drink for modern times."

Thor: "I can no longer see lager continuing as our tipple of choice."

Æthelfreda: "This illustrates the importance of cultural interaction. We can take the best of both."

Thor: "Yes, it's clear that lager and Swedish meatballs will never survive the onslaught of your meodu and mutton, but by the look of your dull and dated fixtures and fittings it will be a dark day for the English furniture industry when we bring over our high class pre-fabricated Ikea products."

Æthelfreda: "I can't wait to see them."

Thor: "You're in for a treat. Not only do you end up with functional, versatile and durable laminates, but you also have the opportunity to bond with your partner for countless hours shop side."

Æthelfreda: "A classic recipe to promote an enduring relationship."

Thor: "And if you think you'll spend a lot of quality time shopping, it's nothing compared to the long hours of assembly."

Æthelfreda: "The divorce rates in Sweden must be practically zero."

Thor: "Yes and suicide is virtually unheard of."

Æthelfreda: "Have you thought of establishing a franchise here?"

Thor: "It would be a dream."

Æthelfreda: "Perhaps we could pop out and have a look for some potential sites after the excitement dies down."

Thor: "You'd be willing to recommend a suitable location?"

Æthelfreda: "I'm thinking that this could be the ideal time to strike. By a happy co-incidence a host of local small businessmen appear to be vacating their premises just as you've come up with your revolutionary concept."

Thor: "And looking at the fires it's likely that the good village folk will soon be planning to refit their homes from top to bottom."

Æthelfreda: "Just as soon as the insurance comes in and they've rebuilt them."

Thor: "Which should give us exactly the time we need to put our plan into practice."

Æthelfreda: "You say 'our', does that mean you're suggesting a partnership?"

Thor: "Well I'd be foolish to commence an undertaking of this magnitude with such a limited knowledge of the market. A little while ago I thought it would be socially acceptable to establish a relationship with non-consensual sexual intercourse."

Æthelfreda: "But you didn't and now we're partners. Let's shake on it. I'll show you how."

Thor: "Unfortunately it's far too dangerous to venture out and cement our commercial union."

Æthelfreda: "We'll need to find something to pass the time until the business climate improves."

Thor: "May I suggest that as we're having a date we spend the duration making love?"

Æthelfreda: "Well I don't usually do it after a first date, let alone during, but the circumstances are exceptional and we're partners of another kind, so why not show me what you've got to accompany your Scandinavian meatballs and we'll get started."

It's now up to you to assign your roles, learn the script and get down to business. But before you do, I mentioned earlier that you may be a history student and implied that you had the opportunity to spice up your sex life whilst learning something at the same time.

Thus, I need to bring your attention to some very marginal anachronisms spattered infrequently during the course of this piece. The action is set as Æthelfreda says, during the year of the first Viking raid which took place at Lindisfarne in 793.

But it would not be for a further 600 years until lager first reared its head. Conversely meodu or as we know it, mead has been traced back as far as 6500-7000 BC where traces have been found in Northern China.

Consisting of honey, water and beer-yeast and weighing in at up to 20% proof it was little wonder Thor preferred it to lager. However, as meodu was commonly brewed in Scandinavia at the time, it's unlikely he would never have sampled it.

Meatballs were unknown in Sweden until the early 18th century, when Charles XII took the recipe back from Istanbul.

Whilst the Vikings did use the exclamation 'Skol!' when toasting, I just invented Æthelfreda's "bottoms up." I thought it sounded funny. It wasn't. Sorry.

The most difficult to spot is the existence of IKEA which is currently the world's largest furniture retailer. Amazingly this iconic Swedish totem was founded as recently as 1943 by Ingvar Kamprad who could not therefore have granted Thor his franchise in 793.

So, when you eventually get out and sit your exams, don't write that IKEA was founded by Thor the Viking in the late 8th Century. Ingvar Kamprad in 1943 is the answer to that one.

What you need to understand is that this is fundamentally a serious piece of literature. As such, it will probably be part of the English syllabus in a few years. So, in the unlikely event that you don't benefit from the history, somewhere down the line you'll ace your English examinations.

It's History, it's Literature. But is it "Humor & Satire?" Yes, you're right, it probably isn't. But if you want some light relief you can end it with a bang. And all you have to do is follow this advice. Æthelfreda should speak with a lisp.

As is par for the course with these lockdown role plays I won't be advising you on how to make love to your partner, but you will both enjoy the experience even more if you have enough breath left to insert the "I'm Thor!" joke on completion of the act.

It dates back to Viking times so it's unlikely that you don't know it. But just in case...

Thor: (Loudly) "I'm Thor!"

Æthelfreda: (Remember the lisp!) "Ooh! Tho am I!"