All Comments on 'Hostile Takeover Ch. 01-05'

I would love to be slave to two such hot and hung mistresses! Keep up the good work!

It's a really good start, You've got great characters and There's a lot of room for plot development.My only critique is that these first chapters felt a bit rushed! More details, please.

You have had a good idea for a story that could run to several chapters. Sadly that’s about the only good thing I can say about it. Please regard what I say next as constructive.

There are a lot of spelling, grammar and general formatting errors. These can be easily remedied. Similarly I would have called it Hostile Takeover Ch.01. With your present numbering you are likely to be up to Ch.25 and only published 5 episodes. You can get an editor for the technicalities but what you really need is the advice of a writer.

Your introduction (the first six paragraphs) is far too long. In fact, I would have begun with, “Mia didn’t know, when she was hired straight out of college, the true nature of TMG’s operations.” Get the reader interested right away. Don’t ask them to read a shopping list. After the first couple of paragraphs I got the idea they were genetically engineered transsexuals and jumped to Ch.01. I went back and read the full introduction only when I decided to leave a comment. You should have expanded on TMG as the story progressed making the information part of the story not forcing it on the reader at the beginning.

I’m not going to go on and on but I would say that from what I’ve read you are capable of much better and you do have imagination which many do not. If you want to ask any questions send me an email containing your email address. I promise I’ll reply.