All Comments on 'How I Lost My Mother Ch. 01'
by Asperger27
- 15 Comments
Epcy693 months agoMy writing is plagued with bad grammar, lacking of story structure, and a lot of telling. When reading this story. It's as if I'm in the middle of a counseling session with a deranged individual. Unburdening himself by dumping out the contents of his baggage all over the floor. ------------
He tells me, 'I want to fuck my mom." And about the young guys going balls deep in her. While he beats off to the symphony, of "Bang that Slut," coming from his mother room.------ But the one thing this mental patient doesn't do, is show me how it happens. Read any children's fairy tale, and you will find stories loaded with showing over telling in the writing. Showing helps immerse the reader in the story. There are plenty of 5 to 10 minutes TED talks on the internet about the difference between showing and telling in writing.---------- Grabbing a paragraph at random: I then think back to the first and ONLY time I saw mom with Adam. I mean, I've the videos and pictures he sent me, but it's different when it's the real thing. How can I possibly forget that... image engraved into my mind.--------- Now edited: First and only time I saw mom with Adam. The videos and pictures he sent me. How can I possibly forget.------ You need to cut out the fat, and get to the good stuff. Another thing, I mean, I've the videos and pictures he sent me. "I've the videos," doesn't sound right when you read it out loud.------- There are plenty of people here who will beta read and edit your story for free.--------- With that said, I give the story 5☆s.
Anonymous3 months agoHave you thought about putting the time and effort into trying to write one good story instead of 500 bad rushed ones?
Anonymous2 months agoHonestly the fact that the mom is this dumb and that Henri’s first words to Paul boil down to “I’m gonna fuck your mom and claim her as my own.” The story is almost cartoonishly bad.
Asperger27@Asperger27
