How I Met Your Earth Mother

It's not easy being a many-tentacled Globlyxian and 99% of that is just plain prejudice. I mean, I'm really a nice example of my species. Well I assume. I don't think there are any of my species left on this planet. And the creatures I used to know, well they're gone. I mean, how long was I frozen in that block of ice? Hundreds of years? Millions? Everything seems so different now.

For one, it looks like these 'humans' that didn't used to be here are now all over the place. And they're shmart...like me! They communicate with a language, they have mechanical devices. And they're quite beautiful. It would be remiss if I didn't mate with one to try to propagate my species here.

I just want to meet a nice human female, impregnate her with my spawn and raise our human- Globlyxian offspring but every time I try to even say 'Hi' to a woman, they run screaming.

So it's perfectly understandable why I did, what I did. To that woman. In her house. That night.

She was watching the moving pictures on her screen, as many humans do. And she was lovely. Long blonde hair. Lovely grey eyes. A pleasing bosom that would provide nutrients for our offspring.

Fortunately it was a warm night and she left a small window open. She was practically inviting me to ooze my way in. I oozed my into her living room behind her, completely unaware. And what I did next, well, I have some regrets that this was how our courtship had to be, but I think when she see the beautiful offspring that arise from our coupling she'll realize it was necessary and good.

Quick as a wink I curled tentacle one around her neck. Like most mammals on this planet, these humans relied on their necks for the transport of blood and oxygen to their brains. It's quite an evolutionary flaw if you ask me.

As I predicted, she tried to scream, but I gave a little squeeze so no noise would come out. I felt her fingers trying to claw tentacle #1 off, but really, there's no contest; I mean tentacle #1 is my favorite tentacle and boy-howdy, it is strong!

I eased my grip a little as I knew she would use that opportunity to draw breath, and that's when I released a fine spray of my neurotoxin right into her breathing passage. Not a dose to kill her (I hoped, I'd only estimated her weight) but enough induce paralysis of her voluntary motor muscles. Apparently my dosage estimation was correct as I felt her body become slack and the hands that were tugging at my tentacle fell helplessly to her side, while her breathing and heartbeat remained relatively unaffected.

I say relatively unaffected, but the truth was she was probably terrified which is why her heart rate and breathing were actually quite accelerated. And understandably so! If I were paralyzed by an unknown creature in my domicile without understanding their benevolent intentions, I would probably react in a similar fashion. I moved quickly to relieve her distress.

I released her neck and laid her gently back on the couch. I made my way around to the front so I could get a better look at her and to ease her anxiety. Her head was tilted upward, so I dangled tentacle #5 just above it and proceeded to execute what I call 'the cuttlefish maneuver'. Cuttlefish, as I'm sure you're quite aware, are able to hypnotize their prey by producing a series of cascading colored lights that run through the length of their body. Prey witnessing this display are put into a hypnotic state and their basic instinct to flee or fight is neutralized, giving the cuttlefish time to consume their victim. By imitating this ability with tentacle #5 I have been able to render many creatures in a similar state, shutting down 3 of the 4 'F' protocols of their lizard brains. The four 'F's being, Fighting, Fleeing, Feeding and Mating. The human female was quickly brought into a hypnotic state, more than partly due to the fact that she had no ability to look away from my light display. I placed tentacle #3 near an artery in her neck and felt her pulse lowering to a more calm state. In short time I would be able to synthesize a hormone that would aid in our mating process.

I gazed at my future mate with my large single eye. My initial estimation has been correct. She was quite a prime breeding specimen, though it was hard to judge with her second skins on. It would appear that humans needed to apply additional skin to regulate their body temperatures. These were usually made from plant fibers, or synthetic materials, though sometimes animal skins would also be used. This female was wearing natural fibers, though something more suited for leisure and nighttime activities around her domicile rather than elsewhere.

I have to confess...I am not adroit with my tentacles for fine motor work as I would like. The top portion of her outer skin was fastened with small round objects that fit into corresponding holes (later I would discover these were called 'buttons'. Regretfully, I could not manipulate these 'buttons' properly and was unable to remove this garment.

The lower half of her ensemble came off quite easily. I wrapped her body with tentacle #1 and lifted her in the air, while tentacles #2 & #3 were able to pull down the garment.

A few observations: Human female breasts feel lovely! Tentacle #1 received tactile sensations that were feeding directly to my pleasure centers. I did enjoy having a tentacle wrapped around her breasts. Secondly: Another skin! Under her lower covering there was yet another, smaller covering around her pubis. How many skins did these creatures need? Fortunately I was able to remove these skins, though not with the same level of ease as the initial skins. I was rewarded with a wondrous view of her external genitalia and anus.

Human genitalia is very similar to other mammals I had previously encountered. In the female, a canal that was used as a sheath for penises to gain entry as well as a passageway for offspring to exit that resulted from successful copulations. Nearby there was an opening for the passage for urine and with humans, a small nub of flesh that did not seem to serve any other purpose other than providing pleasure to the female. I examined it a little more closely with tentacle #6 and as I gave it a few exploratory rubs, noticed that the female exhibited signs of pleasure, a soft moan, an intake of breath. I made a mental note to provide further stimulation to this small nub. My immediate concern was the fact that the neurotoxin I had administered in such a light dosage seemed to be wearing off, as I noticed she was beginning to regain some mobility in her limbs, perhaps encouraged by the stimulation to her pleasure nub.

Now, I must apologize my bride for what I did next to you. Without proper introductions it must have seemed as excessively intrusive and overly familiar, but I needed quick access to your central nervous system and to gather some information about endocrine system as well as gather some biological samples regarding your hormone production. And I'm afraid the quickest way to do these things was through your anus. I apologize, once again for the uninvited intrusion.

I had tentacle #7 secrete a healthy amount of lubrication. As my smallest tentacle and the one equipped with the means to interface with an organism's nervous system, it was most suited to the task at hand. Very slowly I entered my bride's anus, very slowly so as to cause her only a minimum of discomfort and hopefully, no pain. Surprisingly she seemed to be receptive to having her anus penetrated, which I found odd, as it served no reproductive purpose. Later I would discover that the fleshy nub, which I now know is referred to as 'the clitoris' actually expands quite a bit throughout the pelvic region, and it appeared that I was stimulating this nerve cluster through her anal canal.

Once inside her anus, tentacle #7 sent out small tendrils to interface with her nervous system and collect other information I would need to properly interface with her on a biological level. I wanted to do this quickly as possible, intruding into another being's anus is an overly intimate and familiar act, however it is quite useful in the obtaining information.

In short time I believe I'd gathered enough information to complete my courtship of the human. Aside from reproductive information I would need for our breeding, I also picked up enough information about a hormone they secrete when stimulated with pleasure. A 'love' drug if you will. From the sample I took, I was able to quickly synthesize a similar compound and create an aerosolized version that I could administer. Fortunately, my betrothed was still captivated by the hypnotic strobing of tentacle #5. If she was distressed by my anal probing, she did not show it. I withdrew tentacle #7 from her anus slowly and with great care.

I gently wrapped tentacle #1 around her neck again...but not to constrict breathing or cranial blood flow, but to show affection. I reshaped the end of tentacle to form a mask of sorts of placed it gently, but tightly over her nose and mouth, which I had gathered to believe her only source of oxygen. I released my newly synthesized gas, a mixture of oxygen and the 'love' chemical that naturally formed in the human body. Later I would find out this was a form of the hormone known as 'oxycontin'.

She began to visible relax as she breathed this gas. I ceased the strobing effect to see what the results would be. Hopefully her lizard brain would still reject the notions of fighting, fleeing and feeding, and latch on the idea of mating.

Her hands reached for tentacle #1 again...but instead of trying to claw at it...she lovingly stroked it up and down. This was a very positive sign for our relationship. While she was stroking tentacle #1, she took her other hand and ran it down her body and began caressing her external sex organs. This was indeed the desired effect I had hoped for.

I had tentacle #6 caress her upper torso. She seemed to enjoy this immensely and willingly removed the upper torso outer skin that had confounded my clumsy tentacles. I helped her stand so she could shed this skin easily. Seeing her stand I really appreciated the beauty of her species. Soft and pink and rounded in all the right places. And she was certainly a fine example of beauty of an already attractive looking species. As being one from a species that breeds with other species to diversify the gene pool, you really come to appreciate fine looking creatures.

Tentacle #6 ran up and down her body now. I encircled her gently and moved tentacle #6 up and down slowly, applying slight pressure so as to give her a pleasant massage. She squirmed in delight and appeared to be very appreciative of my efforts. I adjusted the mix of gas she was breathing to give her a stronger hit of the 'love' drug and she nearly swooned. One of her hands was busy caressing her breasts while the other was rubbing that nub of flesh I have previously mentioned. Very shortly she quivered and shook. I ascertained this was the culmination of her pleasure. I was curious if it served any purpose other than to make the females of this species more likely to seek sexual partners. I also felt this would be an opportune time to implant my genetic material.

I moved tentacle #6 lower...between her legs where her reproductive opening presented itself. It appear I did not need to produce any further lubrication, as this orifice appeared to provide its own. I teased the opening a little bit and she brazenly stoked tentacle #6, as if to encourage our exploration. Very slowly I pushed inside her sheath and I was rewarded for my efforts with a jolt of pleasure, as was she apparently.

I looked at her tenderly and now she was looking back at me with half-lidded eyes. Whereas she might have exhibited terror, now I could only see love in her eyes. Yes, I had chosen my mate well.

She laid down on the floor, still impaled on tentacle #6 that I was moving in and out of her in a slow my insistent manner. She bent her knees and lifted her legs, which I saw as encouragement to penetrate her deeper. I was rewarded for my efforts with an other apparent orgasm from her. I felt her shudder and squeeze my tentacle #6 quite firmly. This in turn maximized my pleasure. Not only the physical stimulation of tentacle #6, but also the pleasure I felt in my hearts, knowing that she was pleased to be in sexual congress with me. I subsequently released my genetic material deep inside her, small organisms that would seek out her genetic material and attempt to create a new hybrid life that we would raise together.

Per usual, I became quite sleepy after my release. I slithered my way to the end of the couch and attempted to make myself comfortable. I withdrew tentacle #6 from her vaginal passage. I changed the mixture of gas that tentacle #5 was putting out to just a final bit of 'love' drug, but also with a powerful sedative that would induce deep sleep. Though I felt we had made a meaningful connection, I was not completely positive that we had pair-bonded fully. Tentacles #2 and #3 lifted her gently from the floor and I placed her nude form on top of me. I inflated a small bladder near my midsection and she used that as a pillow to rest her head. She wrapped her arms around my bulbous body and I gingerly laid all my tentacles around her, cradling her gently. As I drifted off to sleep I wondered what our life would be like tomorrow and if she would love me then and she loved me now.

I awoke to strange, but wonderful smell. I would learn later that this scent belonged to a food source known as 'bacon'. My mate was no longer resting on my body. For a moment I feared she had fled, but my fears were alleviated when I heard sounds coming from a nearby room where humans prepare their food. She stepped into the room holding a hot metal disc by a wood handle. On the disc were several chicken ovum. And then she spoke her very first words to me. I didn't know the meaning at the time, but to me these words will always mean 'I love you'.

"So," she said. "How do you like your eggs?"