How the River Feels

He sat in the darkness, which matched the darkness in his soul. He had never thought about God, or fate, or destiny, but something urged him to speak aloud into the silence. "God, if you're there, if you'll listen to a man like me, please let me see Jack again. I need him so much, I love him so much. And whatever happens, please take good care of him for me. He's so wonderful, and he doesn't deserve what happened today. Help Jack, please!"

A tiny flicker of hope, like a small candle, began to burn in the darkness of Dan's heart.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jack woke, his body aching and his mind in a daze. Everything seemed so unreal, like a nightmare come true. He sat up and looked at his phone. Lots of messages from Dan. He deleted them all and blocked Dan's number. Finally, he saw a voice message from Sean.

Sighing, he wearily called Sean, who answered immediately. "Dad, where are you? What happened? I've been worried sick about you. Dan called and said he couldn't reach you."

"Son, I don't want to talk about it right now. But I'm all right, physically, at least. I won't do anything rash, but I need time to be alone and think. I'll call tonight and explain, but for now, please just accept this and don't ask any more questions."

Sean was silent for a few moments. Then he said, "Okay, Dad, if you're sure. I trust your judgement. I'll wait until tonight. But please take care of yourself. I'm so worried about you!"

"Thank you, Son. Your support is what I really need right now. I'll call you later. I love you!"

Jack made himself take a shower and then headed to the café next door. He had no appetite, but he knew he needed to eat something. After he ate, he went back to his room and lay in bed, just thinking.

How could this have happened? He had loved Dan, had trusted him completely. But this betrayal was too much. Apparently, the old Dan was alive and well, seeking sexual satisfaction wherever he could find it.

Jack knew he still loved Dan, and that made the stab in the back even worse. How had such bright hopes turned into such betrayal?

Round and round went Jack's tortured mind.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan went to work the next day but accomplished nothing. He kept his door closed, and only Ian was allowed in. Ian tried to encourage Dan during the day, to no avail. Dan would stare at the papers in front of him, reading uncomprehendingly.

At five o'clock, Ian came in and said, "Dan, if you're going to get anywhere in finding Jack, don't you think starting with Sean would be best?"

Dan grabbed his keys and was out the door before Ian finished the sentence. "Come on, buddy!" he shouted over his shoulder. Ian caught up with him at the elevator. Not a word was said. This errand was too important for conversation.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jack dozed a little after a lunch that he barely tasted. Finally, he called Sean mid-afternoon.

"Dad! Are you all right? What's going on?"

In as few words as possible, Jack explained what had happened. "Sean, you know all that I've been through. Losing your mother was so horrible." His voice choked up. "I think that if I lose everything again, it'll kill me!"

When he was done, Sean said, "Dad, I can't believe that Dan would be such a shithead!"

Jack had to smile at that. Sean so rarely cursed.

"Son, I'm coming home tomorrow. I'll be there around noon. I still don't want to talk about it, and I'd appreciate it if I could be alone for a few days. Don't worry, I won't do anything stupid. I just need the time to figure out how I move on from this."

"Okay, Dad, if you want it that way. I trust you. You know that I love you so much. I just want you to be happy again."

"I love you, Sean. I'll call you tomorrow when I get home."

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan pulled into the driveway at Sean's house and turned off the engine.

Sean heard a car pull in and he went to the front porch. Dan! How could he have the balls to show up here after what he had done? He stood there with folded arms and eyes blazing with anger.

Ian got out, leaving a nervous Dan in the car.

"Sean, I'm Ian, one of Dan's friends and coworkers. He needs to explain what happened yesterday."

"Tell Dan he can fuck himself and go to hell!"

"Sean, it's not what you think. I know what happened. Dan is innocent. Please at least listen to him."

Sean thought a few moments and then said grimly, "All right. I'll listen."

Dan got out of the car and Sean silently led them through the house to the back patio. "Okay, this had better be good."

Dan explained what had happened with Robert's stalking, how he had been so shocked that he couldn't prevent what Robert had done, how he had shoved Robert off his lap, how he hadn't known that Jack was there, they were supposed to meet somewhere for lunch, how Ian had told him about Jack leaving the office, how he had run after Jack, wanting to explain, how he had called and texted Jack and gotten no answer, how his heart was breaking . . .

Without realizing it, Dan had been talking faster and faster, with tears streaming down his face. He stopped abruptly. "Sean, this is killing me. I have to see Jack, I have to explain everything and tell him how much I love him, how I can't go on without him!"

Sean's looked at Ian, still questioning everything Dan had said.

"Sean," said Ian, "Dan is completely innocent. If I hadn't walked in when I did, I think he would have beaten the shit out of Robert. Everyone in the office had been watching Robert's attempts to flirt with Dan, and Dan never even gave him so much as a glance. Nobody expected that Robert would actually do something this brazen. Please, Sean, help Dan talk to Jack. He loves him so much, and he needs Jack badly."

Sean was silent for a few minutes as Ian and Dan waited patiently. "Okay. I think I believe you. Dad will be home around noon tomorrow. Ian, I want you to go with me to see him. You can explain. Dan, you just need to stay home and wait. Dad's been badly hurt by this, and I'm afraid even for his physical safety. When I last talked to him, he sounded like he did when Mom died. If you're there with us, I think he may just shut down."

Dan sadly accepted Sean's plan. He had no choice if he ever wanted to see Jack again.

"Ian, meet me here at my house tomorrow around noon. When I know that Dad is home, we'll go to see him." He laid his hand on Dan's shoulder. "Don't give up, Dan. I want to believe you, and if Dad is willing to see you, I'll let you know. Try to be patient. I think this will work out."

~~~~~~~~~~

True to his word as always, Jack called Sean the next day a little before noon to tell Sean that he was home, and to remind Sean that he wanted to be alone for a few days. Sean said nothing of his meeting with Dan and Ian, nor of their intent to come see him.

Ian showed up about twelve-thirty. "Sorry I'm late. Houston traffic, you know." Ian followed Sean to Jack's apartment. When they arrived, Sean said, "Let me do the talking. If he's open to it, then you can tell him what happened."

They went to the apartment and Sean unlocked the door with his key. "Dad! Dad, are you here?" The room was dark, so he fumbled for the light. They saw Jack sitting on the sofa, his back to them, and not making a move or a sound.

They walked in and went to stand in front of Jack. He looked with unseeing eyes and remained still. Beginning to panic, Sean knelt and took Jack's hands. They were icy cold, so Sean rubbed them, trying to bring some life back into his dad.

"Dad, I want to explain what happened. I know the truth, and Dan is innocent."

Jack slowly raised his head and looked at his son with bloodshot eyes. "But I saw him, Sean. I saw him." His voice was hoarse from crying, and he feebly shook his head. "I'll never forget what I saw."

"Dad, I've brought Dan's friend Ian. You know him, and he knows the truth about what happened. Please, will you at least listen to him?"

Jack made no sound for a few minutes, then he weakly nodded and said, "I'll listen."

Ian stepped forward. He explained what had really happened, how Dan had totally rejected what Robert was trying to do. Dan was completely beside himself when he couldn't reach Jack to explain.

"Jack, I've known Dan for many years, and for most of that time, he would have never been a steady partner for anyone. But then he found you, Jack. The old Dan is truly gone. The new Dan is totally different, and you have made the difference in his life. Everything about him is better. Even his work is better." Ian gave a rueful laugh. "Watching you two together has made me rethink my life. I'm beginning to think that there is something more, something important that I've been missing. Dan was missing that, too, until you and he found each other. I may never have what you two have together, but I hope you'll at least give Dan a chance. Please listen to him."

Jack was silent. The other two men waited patiently as Jack processed all this. Finally, he said, "Ian, I need to talk to Sean alone." Ian shook his head and left the apartment feeling defeated.

When they were alone, Jack said to Sean, "Son, I want to believe Ian, I want to believe that Dan is innocent of betraying me. But this has brought up some doubts. Not just about Dan, but about myself. These past five months have been wonderful, and I've had a lot of adventures. And I hope that doesn't stop. But I wonder if Dan will begin to resent me for tying him down. I'm designed for a settled life, and I have to know that I'm secure in a relationship. I have to know that Dan and I both have what it takes to make it through the years. . . I've lost everything once already, and if I lose everything again, I know it'll be the end of me." He began to sob.

Sean wrapped his arms around his dad and hugged his head to his chest. "Dad, I want to help you, please show me how to help you. What can I do for you?"

Jack calmed down in Sean's embrace. He lifted his head and said, "Sean, I'm willing to give Dan a chance. I'll see him and see what happens. But we're going to do this my way. Here's what I plan on doing . . ."

~~~~~~~~~~

Thirteen - Home at Last

Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. - Aristotle

Dan drove on increasingly narrow and bumpy roads. He hoped his suspension would survive this trip. He drove through tiny towns that didn't even rate a stop sign. Dan realized that he was out in the boondocks, about halfway between Houston and Austin.

Sean had come to see him after talking to his dad. "Dad said he's willing to see you and to give you a chance. He's going to contact you tomorrow with instructions." Sean paused, then said, "I once told Dad that if you hurt him, I would go fishing using your dick for bait. Don't make me hurt you." Dan looked shocked. Sean smiled. "I don't think I'm going to have to make that fishing trip. Dad means everything to me. Please take care of him."

Jack had emailed Dan the following day. "Tell your office that you'll be gone for a week. There's no cell service where we'll be. Pack lightly and bring boots or good walking shoes." Then he gave the driving instructions.

Dan turned down a narrow country lane and soon saw his final landmark. "Turn right at the gate with the cheesy metal rooster."

There was a dirt road that led across a meadow and then into the woods. After driving a half mile or so, Dan saw the A-frame cabin on his left. There was Jack's car!

Dan parked next to Jack, turned off the engine, and sat with bowed head.

He knew he needed Jack like he needed air and water. He knew that Jack had turned his life upside down with his love and given Dan a new reason for living. Loving Jack was the easiest thing Dan had ever done. It came naturally to him. He and Jack were such a perfect fit together.

But was he going to be enough to satisfy Jack? Not sexually, but mentally and emotionally. Jack had said once that he had been a one-woman man. He knew Jack would be a one-man man, as well. Dan would have to show Jack that he was also a one-man man. That he was committed to Jack no matter what. In that moment, Dan knew what his heart had already decided: He belonged to Jack alone, the man he loved so deeply, the man who made him a better Dan, the man who made him whole.

He lifted his head and saw Jack standing on the porch. Dan got out of his car and walked toward Jack, stopping about twenty feet away. They looked into each other's eyes, seeking answers to the unspoken questions. The silent language of love that they knew so well, was now being used for a serious conversation about their relationship and how they would walk through life as a couple.

Then Jack held out his hand and Dan bounded up the porch steps and flung his arms around Jack.

"Jack, Jack, I'm so sorry! I don't ever want to hurt you, even accidentally! I need you, Jack! I can't live without you! Please give me a chance!" He burst into tears and sobbed against Jack's chest.

Jack held him close, then he raised Dan's head and answered him with a kiss that had his whole soul in it. "I love you, Dan. Let's go in."

They went inside the cabin and sat on the rustic couch. Jack took Dan's hands and said, "This brought up doubts and confusion in me, Dan, doubts about myself. I didn't want you to ever resent me for tying you down to a settled life. But I have to be sure that we both have what it'll take to make it through all the years ahead."

"I think I understand, Jack. When you give your word, it's as solid as a rock, and you need to know that I have the same commitment. You've changed me, Jack. Everything in my past is erased because of you. I need you so I can go on living. My life is empty if I don't have you to share it with. No matter what life may throw our way, I'm with you always."

Jack smiled. "You must be starving, Dan. Go bring your stuff in. The grill is going on the back patio, and I have steaks ready to cook. After we eat, we'll go for a walk."

Dinner was relaxed as they chatted, like old friends getting reacquainted with each other. They cleaned up the dishes and doused the fire. Then they went for a walk.

In the dim day's-end light, Dan saw that they were walking further down the gravel drive, deeper into the woods. They walked in silence. All Dan heard was the music of crickets playing antiphonally to the lullabies of the frogs in the lily pond across the drive from the cabin.

They walked about a mile in the cool dimness and came to the edge of the woods. In front of them stood a cozy house, soft light glowing in curtained windows. Dan looked inquiringly at Jack.

"The cabin stands on the grounds of a working ranch, owned by a widow who also does a lot of animal rescue. If you want, we can come up here in the morning to help her feed the animals."

Dan looked surprised.

"Karen and I used to come here every few years, just to get away and have some peace and quiet. I chose this place for you and me because I needed to come up early and really say goodbye to her." He paused a moment, took a deep breath, and let it go with a sigh. Then he smiled at Dan and said, "I'm ready for the next chapter." He gently kissed Dan and said, "I love you with all my heart, Dan. Let's go back to the cabin."

They turned and walked in silence back to the cabin, hand in hand with fingers laced together. Both men were ready for the newest adventure: living a life of trusting love, belonging to each other in full commitment.

When they got back to the cabin, they climbed the stairs to the sleeping loft, stripped to their underwear, and fell into deep, restful sleep in each other's arms.

~~~~~~~~~~

The two men sank into a deeper peace than either one had ever known. Dan had never experienced true quiet. No road noise from busy streets. No background noise of Muzak. No sound of busy people going about their "busyness" at work, shopping, eating in noisy restaurants. Nothing but the wind in the trees and the songs of the crickets and frogs singing them to sleep at night.

The next morning, they walked to the ranch house to help feed the animals. The goats, especially, were funny, as they kept butting their way in for special attention. The dogs were frisky and friendly as they vied for ear scratches and belly rubs. They saw the longhorn steers that had been abandoned. The woman who owned the ranch loved animals, and anything from squirrels and rabbits to donkeys and horses found a home. The men reveled in the animals, finding yet another connection with a quiet wold they had passed by. The owner sent them away with a gift of several fresh eggs from her hens.

They went for drives in the vicinity. Quiet country lanes past farms with fields still bare. Cows standing by the roadside fences, staring with their funny faces at the humans who passed them. They stopped for lunch in tiny towns and ate at diners where the pace was slow, the food was great, and the people were friendly.

There was nothing to do but talk, and they talked and talked, letting their lives interweave even more. They found out things about each other that gave them more windows into each other's souls. Often, when the talk died down, they were content to simply sit in silence, holding hands and listening to the quiet.

Each morning, they would sit in the porch swing on the second story deck just off the sleeping loft. The cool, clean morning air, without the ever-present smell of car exhaust in the city, was refreshing and invigorating. After breakfast, they went to feed the animals. And they went for walks, now in silence, now in quiet conversation. Their hearts were healing, and they both knew that they would be able to make it through the years ahead.

Each night, as they lay in bed together, their naked bodies side by side, they kissed and cuddled. There were a lot of caresses, but no sex. Not yet. They knew it would happen, but for now, it was enough to just be together.

~~~~~~~~~~

One evening, as they were walking in the dim coolness back to the cabin, Dan said, "I'll be going back to work at my office when we get home. What are you going to do? You said to me once that men are designed to work. Any ideas?"

Jack sighed and replied, "I really don't know, babe. I love spending more time with my grandsons, but I know I need more. I'm not sure, but I know I need to be doing something."

Dan thought a bit. "Well," he said, "Sean has been wanting to open his own studio and gallery, mainly so he doesn't have to freelance it and travel so much. You have the business expertise he would need, but you'd only be working part-time, so you'd have plenty of time for family, and for us."

Jack squeezed Dan's hand. "Thanks, babe! You're a genius. That's perfect. I'll talk to Sean when we get home."

~~~~~~~~~~

Their week was nearly over, and they sat around the fire pit. The late February night air could be chilly, even in Texas. As the fire burned into hot embers, their desire for each other burned equally hot. They knew it was time. Time to let their bodies fully express their love for each other.

Dan leaned to Jack and kissed his cheek. "I'm going to take a shower and I'll meet you upstairs." He had a plan.

Jack waited until he heard the shower being shut off, then he doused the fire and went inside. He took a shower and, still naked, climbed the stairs. When he reached the top, he turned toward the bed and stopped, completely dumbfounded.

Dan was on the bed on all fours, head down on the mattress, ass up aimed at Jack.

"What's going on, Dan?"

Dan turned to face him. "All my life I've been a taker, Jack, never a giver. I want to give myself to you completely tonight. I want you in me, I want you to make me completely yours. You have my heart, Jack. I want you to take my body tonight."