How the River Feels

He looked Ben and Janet in the eye, trying to understand why they seemed so resistant to Dan. He finally realized that it stemmed from their love for him. They had seen all the pain and grief he had been through and were protective of him. But the Jack they had known was gone. He was a new man, and he was now in love with another man.

Just then, one of the little nieces ran in and went to Hannah. "Aunt Hannah, Cody says that Mr. Dan is Mr. Jack's boyfriend. Is that true?"

With no hesitation, Hannah answered, "Yes, sweetie, he is."

Jack walked around Dan's chair, took his hands and lifted him up, and kissed him lovingly. He looked Dan in the eye and said, "Yes, he is!"

~~~~~~~~~~

Eleven - Merry Christmas, Dan!

It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father. - St. John 23 ^rd

It was Christmas eve. Dan had to stay late at the office, finishing up details on a new contract with a client. Jack spent the day with Sean's family. The boys were finally worn out by their annual round of looking at Christmas lights, and they staggered off to bed, waiting to see in the morning what Santa had brought them.

Sean walked Jack out and hugged his dad goodnight, looking a bit antsy. Obviously, he and Hannah had a private celebration planned in bed. Jack gave him a knowing grin and a shove toward the house.

Dan was going to spend the night at Jack's apartment, and then they would rejoin Sean's family in the morning for Christmas Day. Jack had planned a romantic night in bed, with soft music and candles, satin sheets and pillowcases, and warmed oil for massaging Dan's body from head to toe.

He knew that Dan was staying late at his office, but he was getting concerned when he hadn't heard anything by eleven o'clock. Midnight, and still nothing from Dan. This was unlike Dan, who always called or texted if there was any delay at all. Jack called Dan and got no response, so he pulled on some clothes and headed to Dan's apartment.

Jack rode the elevator to the seventeenth floor. Dan had given him a key, so he unlocked the door and fumbled for the light switch.

When the lights came on, Jack gasped! It looked like a hurricane or tornado had swept through Dan's apartment. There were broken lamps and overturned chairs, things swept off the kitchen counter to the floor, curtains hanging in shreds. There was Dan, lying on the floor, curled up and silent.

Fearing the worst, Jack ran to Dan and saw the pool of blood under his head. He felt for a pulse. Dan's heart was beating weakly, and his breathing was shallow, but he was alive! Jack called 911 and tried to stop the flow of blood from Dan's head. His own heart was racing with fear.

When the paramedics arrived and began attending to Dan, Jack called Sean.

"Dad? It's after two o'clock!"

"Sean, they're taking Dan to Memorial Herman in the Medical Center. I don't know what happened."

Suddenly alert, Sean said, "I'll be there as fast as I can, Dad."

The paramedics moved Dan to a stretcher and rolled him out into the hall. Jack grabbed Dan's wallet so he would have an ID and insurance information. Then he locked the door and followed the men to the elevator.

After Dan was loaded into the ambulance, one of the paramedics turned to Jack and handed him a small, crumpled piece of paper. "I think you should see this. He was clutching it in his hand."

Jack looked at the message. It read, "Dan, the doctor said I don't have much time left. Can I see you? Dad."

Jack stood in shock. No wonder Dan had reacted so violently. One of the paramedics shook him. "Are you all right? I don't want to have to take you, too."

Jack shook himself out of his momentary paralysis. "Go ahead with Dan. I'll follow you and meet you at the hospital."

~~~~~~~~~~

Jack sat despondently in the waiting area of the emergency room. He was staring at the floor, uncomprehending of what was happening. He was unaware of Sean's arrival until he felt a comforting arm come around his shoulders.

"Dad, how is he? What happened?"

Jack silently handed the note to Sean.

"You're kidding! After all these years, and now he gets this?"

Jack nodded. "It must have destroyed him. His apartment was a wreck."

Just then, a doctor walked up and said, "Mr. Middleton, Mr. Olson has had a concussion. We don't know how serious it is yet. His other injuries are minor: a couple of cracked ribs, some bruises and small cuts and scrapes. Do you have any information that might help us?"

Jack handed the note to the doctor, who scanned it and said, "I see. There is something more mental than physical going on. His vital signs are weak but steady, but we can get no response from Mr. Olson. I'd like you to come back to his cubicle and see if he responds to you."

Since only one person at a time would be allowed back with Dan, Sean said, "Dad, I'm going home now. I'll tell Hannah what's going on. I'll have my cell phone with me at all times. Call or text if anything happens or if you need anything."

Sean hugged his dad and kissed his cheek. Jack really needed his son now.

When Jack saw Dan lying in the bed, tubes and wires running everywhere, he just about panicked. It reminded him of Karen in her final illness. Jack couldn't bear to be bereaved a second time.

The doctor said, "I am convinced that Mr. Olson is awake but refusing to listen to us. After what you showed me, I can tell he's had a severe shock."

Jack gave the doctor a quick overview of Dan's life and what had happened with his father. The doctor said, "Severe emotional shock can be a dangerous thing. It can have serious effects on the physical body. I want you to stay with Mr. Olson. Touch him and talk to him. He will hear you, but he may not respond to you yet. Keep talking, keep touching. Tell us if anything happens. We will be monitoring him constantly. We're going to move him out of the Emergency Room to ICU in about a half hour.

The doctor left him alone with Dan. Jack held his hand, stroked it tenderly, leaned to Dan's ear, and whispered, "Dan, babe, sweetheart, darling, don't leave me! I need you so much, my heart will break if I lose you. Come back to me, love. Come back! We have so much living to do."

Then his heart could take no more. He laid his head on Dan's shoulder and wept bitter tears until finally his exhausted body gave in to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan was sinking into a dark pit. He couldn't grasp onto anything to stop his descent. He struggled with all his might to rise through the fog and quicksand that threatened to overwhelm him. And each time he would start to fight his way out of the pit, his father would push him down. It was a titanic struggle as Dan fought his enemy, feeling that he was making his way, only to be shoved back into darkness.

A few bits of his memory fell into place. His dad was dying.

Serves you right, you fucking old bastard! I hope you die and rot in hell! After what you did to me, you deserve the worst punishment ever! I hate you! I hope you suffer like I did! Why did you drive me away? Why did you turn against me when I wanted a father? Why are you leaving me? Don't die yet, Dad! Don't leave me, Daddy!

Round and round went Dan tortured brain, rising and sinking, sometimes fighting with all his might, sometimes wanting to just give up, to surrender to the darkness.

Then he heard a Voice. A Voice that called to him with words of love.

Who are you? Why are you calling me? Why do you love me? Where are you?

Every time he listened to the Voice, he began to rise out of the pit. But his father forced him back into the void.

Why do you keep calling me? Why don't you just let me leave the pain behind. Just let me die.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jack woke with a start at the sound of footsteps. He had fallen asleep on Dan's shoulder. It was nurses and orderlies coming to move Dan to ICU. He stood aside out of the way and then followed the gurney as Dan was wheeled out to his new room. As soon as he was alone with Dan again, he pulled up a chair and began talking to Dan.

"Dan, darling, do you remember our travels in Europe? You showed me so many beautiful and wonderful things. Do you remember the funny tour guide on the double-decker bus in London?" He proceeded to recount their travels, remembering every detail, every moment with the man he loved. On and on for hours, Jack talked and talked, holding Dan's hand and caressing his brow. But there was still no response. Dan was alive, but he had shut himself off.

Sean came twice on Christmas day to check on them. He left each time with a sinking heart. He was so worried what would happen to his dad if Dan didn't make it.

The nurses were kind and brought Jack food from time to time. The doctors who checked on Dan did their observations, wrote on Dan's chart, and left the room, silently shaking their heads. Jack began to lose hope.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan felt an overwhelming sense of terror. He couldn't remember who he was or anything that had happened to him. He felt cut adrift in a sea of loneliness with nothing to cling to.

He heard the Voice again and tried to focus on the words. The Voice was telling him things he couldn't remember. Who are you? Why do you love me? Why won't you let me go?

A few more pieces of memory fell into place. He lived in a tall apartment building. He had come home from work, stopping to get his mail. He didn't look at it until he reached his apartment. Mostly junk mail, but one piece seized his attention. He recognized the return address: his father!

Dan froze, clutching the envelope. Finally, with trembling hands, he tore it open and read the short note. His dad was dying.

Dan stood like a statue. Then he began to shake uncontrollably. Then he exploded! He thrashed about the room, kicking over furniture, and smashing lamps. He swept everything off the kitchen counter with one arm, damning in his mind anything and everything in the world. He tore the curtains off their rods with a snarl.

Finally, he stood in the middle of his living room, crumpled the note in his hand, and screamed. He fell and everything went black.

~~~~~~~~~~

Jack had sat with Dan for over seventy-two hours. He had repeated himself so many times that his voice was almost gone. The ominous comments that he picked up from the doctors frightened him. Eventually, even Jack could tell from monitors that Dan was growing weaker and losing ground.

Jack began to truly despair. As if in final farewell, he put his lips close to Dan's ear and whispered, "Dan, sweetheart, my darling, come back to me. I won't be able to bear losing you, and if you go, I'll go, too. Please come back!" There was no response, and with a broken heart, Jack gently kissed Dan goodbye.

Suddenly, Dan shuddered and took a gasping breath.

Shocked out of his sorrow, Jack pressed the call button for the nurse. "Dan! Babe, darling, I know you hear me! Come back! I love you! I need you!" He kissed Dan again, and just as the nurse came rushing in, Dan opened his eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan kept listening to the Voice. The words didn't always make sense to him, but he knew Someone was looking for him, reaching for him. His father had disappeared, and he began to heed the words he heard. Come back? Come back to where? Who are you? Why do you love me? Why won't you let me sleep, just forget everything and die?

Then he felt a shock on his lips. Someone had given him a spark, a flow of energy that pulled him up. The Voice was calling again, calling him into the light. Then he felt the touch on his lips again and opened his eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dan heard commotion all around him as people surrounded him and began doing things and talking all at once. Where was he? He saw a Face above him, looking at him with an expression of profound love. Who are you? And who am I? Then, the Face was pulled out of his sight and another voice said, "You need to step out into the hall right now, Mr. Middleton. We have to take care of Mr. Olson."

Mr. Olson? Mr. Middleton? Suddenly, things snapped back into his memory. He was Dan, and he loved Jack.

The activity around him, with the medical sound and smells, convinced Dan that he was in a hospital, but he didn't know why. There were some gaps in his memory still, and his head hurt terribly, but he felt strangely at peace. As the people left the room, he lay in the sudden quiet and wondered what would happen next.

Dan heard the door open, and he turned his head to see Jack standing there with tears streaming down his face. Jack stood still a moment, then as Dan lifted his hand and beckoned him, he rushed to Dan's bedside and took his hand.

"Dan, my love, I thought I had lost you forever!" Dan looked silently into Jack's face and mouthed "I love you, Jack." Jack gently kissed Dan's lips and let him slip into the peaceful sleep he so desperately needed to recover.

Jack sat next to the bed and took Dan's hand and kissed it. Then, still holding Dan's hand, Jack fell asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

That was how Sean found them an hour later.

He had been despairing himself, afraid of what losing Dan would do to his father. He tried to encourage Jack and cheer him up, but each time he had left the hospital, it had been with a sinking feeling of approaching disaster.

Sean pushed the door open a little and peered around it. He was amazed to find his father asleep with a gentle smile on his face. Dan was breathing evenly, and his heart monitor was showing a strong and steady beat. Obviously, something had happened.

He went to his dad and gently shook him. "Dad. Dad, wake up."

Jack opened his eyes and looked around him with a puzzled expression, not knowing where he was for a few moments. Then he looked up at his Sean. He stood and silently pulled his son to his chest and held him tight. They needed each other, father and son, like never before. Knowing of Dan's plight, they realized that they had a strong relationship that was envied by many who knew them. They each silently vowed to never take that for granted.

"Dad, is Dan going to be all right?" asked Sean.

"He's going to be fine," said Jack, "physically, at least." They both looked at each other with worried expressions, remembering the cause of all this. "It seems Dan had such a strong reaction to his father's note that he went into a frenzy, tearing up and destroying things in his apartment. They think the concussion happened when he blacked out and fell, hitting his head against something. The doctors still don't know how serious it is. Otherwise, Dan is weak but okay."

Sean looked his dad over and said, "Dad, you need to go home for a while. Take a shower, change clothes, get something to eat. Come back here when you've rested a bit."

Jack started to protest, but Sean was immoveable. "Dad, you need to keep up your own strength. You know Dan has a tough time ahead of him, recovering from his injuries and dealing with the situation with his father. He's going to need you, and he needs you to be strong yourself."

He allowed Jack to kiss Dan one more time, and then he gently pushed his dad to the door. "Don't worry, Dad. I'll be here if he wakes up while you're gone." Jack gave one more long look at his love, then he left.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sean sat beside the bed and looked at Dan sleeping peacefully. He thought about what had happened to Dan. Not just this latest turn of events, but almost his entire life estranged from his father. With no other family to support him, it was no wonder that Dan had gone wild with his sex drive, trying to bury the pain.

Life without a father! It was unthinkable for Sean. Through all of life's ups and downs, good times and bad, his dad had been there for him. Jack gave himself completely to his son, and the two had a relationship that nothing could break. Sean knew he would lose his dad someday, but that seemed unimaginably far off.

But Dan hadn't had that support. Everyone needs a rock to help them build a life on solid ground. But Dan had been truly alone. All the trappings of success, money, good looks, world travel, all of it mattered not one bit if there was nobody in whom to anchor one's life.

Sean roused from his thoughts to find Dan looking at him.

"Where's Jack? Where's your dad, Sean?"

"I sent him home to clean up and get some rest. He's been by your side ever since you were brought here three days ago."

Dan was shocked. "But it was only a few minutes ago that I . . . I read something that upset me."

"Dan, I know about the letter your dad sent you."

"I hate that man! Why did he do this to me?" Dan was beginning to get agitated, and his monitor showed a rapidly increasing heart rate. Sean laid his hand gently on Dan's arm until he began to calm down.

"Dan, I can't imagine what you've been through, and I can't imagine life without Dad. But you're going to have to deal with this and find some way to let go of the past. You can't go on carrying this burden. Dad needs you, and he needs you to be whole."

Dan was silent for a while, and Sean waited patiently as Dan sorted through his thoughts, trying to make sense of his life and find a way past the pain. He remembered good times with his dad before his mom died, and he tried to imagine what his dad had gone through losing his wife. He realized then that they had a common bond in that loss. But overshadowing it all was the memory of the day his dad had thrown him out of his house and out of his life.

Back and forth, round and round, went Dan's thoughts, but finally he reached the inevitable conclusion. He had to either confront his father and deal with the pain, or he would carry this burden the rest of his life. His love for Jack pulled him through.

"Sean," he said finally, "I'll meet with my dad and find a way to make peace. The burden has been too much for me, and I don't want to have any dark clouds hanging over Jack and me. I love him so much!"

"I believe you, Dan," said Sean. "And I know Dad will be there for you in this, just like he's always been there for me. I was afraid I was losing him after Mom died. But he was so overwhelmed with grief that he couldn't move on. He needed help, your help, to close that chapter of his life. Now you need his help to close this chapter and move on."

Dan lay back and stared at the ceiling. He knew what he had to do, and he knew that he would need Jack by his side to be able to carry it through.

Sean said, "I promised Dad that I would be here until he got back. I'm going to get something to eat. I'll be back in a few minutes. You get some rest. Dad should be back before too long."

Dan closed his eyes and thought about his dying father. It would be the hardest thing he had ever done, but he knew he could do it because he was doing it for Jack. At last, finding some peace, he fell into dreamless sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

When Jack got back to the hospital, he felt refreshed. Sean had been right. Jack needed to be at his best for Dan. When he went into Dan's room, he found Dan asleep and Sean reading. Sean stood and hugged his father.

"Dad, I talked to Dan about what he needs to do with his dad. He's agreed to see him and try to make peace with him. He's going to need you every step of the way. . . I'm going home now. Call me if you need anything. I love you, Dad." He kissed Jack's cheek and quietly left.

Jack sat beside Dan and watched him sleep. It was hard for him to understand Dan's dilemma about his father, because Jack's relationship with his son was so solid, so life-giving, that he couldn't envision what life would be without it. But one thing helped him. Losing his own parents while he was a young man in college had left a hole, a void that couldn't be filled. He had loved his dad, and they had been very close, but entering adulthood without his father's guidance and support had been difficult. Karen's parents had become his surrogate parents, then his in-laws, but it wasn't the same.