I Couldn't Believe My Eyes

My flight left at 11:30 pm. On the flight, I did a lot of thinking and processing about what I saw and what it meant. I couldn't get what she was doing with her coach out of mind; my imagination was going wild with all kinds of scenarios that she may have been with her coach. I couldn't stay with her. I don't know if I could ever trust her again; there is no relationship without trust. I couldn't stay with someone that has no respect for me.

When I arrived home, I packed my clothes and toiletries and left. It was about 8 am. I checked for rooms to let online and luckily, I found one, right away. I gave the deposits and one-month rent and moved in.

As I was leaving, I wrote her a note:

Katy;

I was so excited to surprise you because my meeting was very productive and it ended early on Saturday so I thought I'd fly in to see you dance. I was totally not expecting what you were doing with your coach. I don't know how long it's been going on or how serious it is between the two of you; it looked like the two of you are pretty serious. The whole troupe knew about your affair and you were kissing him using full tongue in front of everyone, in the foyer, in public. Not even being secretive or being private or discrete at all. Both of you and your whole dancing group must have had a good laugh that you were so clever at hiding things from me and as I ran out of the Studio, how you treated me like a fool.

I feel so betrayed. You lied to me and deceived me. I feel like such a failure and a fool. I truly love you with all my heart and I thought you felt the same about me. You told me how much you loved me and that I was your soul mate. I guess words are cheap. I am sorry if I didn't love you enough or satisfy you in our love making that you had to turn to the arms of another man. I guess you've replaced me. My heart is broken and I don't know how I will recover from this. I still can not believe that you would cheat on me, especially when I've supported you and tried to be there for you every step of our lives, for your career, dancing, and everything else. I believed every word you told me about how you felt about me; I guess, I, indeed, am a fool because I believed everything you said.

All those 'coffees' after rehearsals, how easily you can lie to me. Wow. And you must have been so thrilled that I couldn't go to Minneapolis with you. Now, I understand that I was your second choice, your backup plan, an afterthought. I wonder if you were thinking about him when we made love or wish that it was him instead of me. I wonder if you faked your orgasms with me just to get me off you quickly.

Did you come to me after you were finished with him and give me his leftovers? All you had to do was tell me that you wanted to be with someone else, that you were no longer happy with me. I would have, unhappily, let you go. When a marriage no longer works, you need to move on. If a husband no longer meets your needs or no longer makes you happy or satisfies you, you need to find someone else that will love you and satisfy you. And you turned to him.

Please know that I truly want you to be happy even if it is with another man. Since you are in a relationship with him, I will not pursue you as I do not believe that you go after a woman that is involved with someone else. I will not interfere, impose, or contact you and I will leave you alone to live your life.

I found a small room to rent and have moved out. I am taking a few weeks off so I won't be going to work for awhile. I am also turning my cell phone off and will not be using my laptop. I need some quiet time to do some thinking and planning about my future.

I talked with Peter and had him look at my divorce possibilities. I have given him all of our financial and investment statements as well as the video. He will get in touch with you. If you need to connect with me, go through Peter. I plan on contacting him every 10 days or so.

It is my wish that you won't have your new love spend nights in our house until the legal matters are settled but if he has already spent time with you in our bed, then it's too bad for me.

Peter will send you all the usernames and passwords, as well as, any contact information that you may need for the house.

I wish you well and much happiness.

Jay

I left it on the dining room table. I looked around the house as I was leaving. So many good memories, or so I thought. I went to my new 'home' and settled in. I was so heart-broken and confused. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I just stayed in bed for days; I couldn't sleep. I had no appetite so I wasn't eating. A few days later, I purchased a pay-as-you-go phone so I can communicate with my office and with Peter.

Katy: When I got home, there was an eerie silence in the house. He was no where to be seen. I went up to shower and change and noticed all his clothes and stuff were gone. Tears began to flow, again. My heart sank. Where is he? What did I do? Why did I hurt the only man I truly cared for? I found his letter on the dining room table.

Oh, no! He thinks I've replaced him! He thinks my love for him were just words. He thinks I was unhappy and unsatisfied at home. He thinks I didn't appreciate our life together and how he was there for me every step of the way. He doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I don't know where he is and he's turned his phone off; I won't be able to contact him. Where is he? How could I have caused the love of my life so much pain? How do I get out of this? How do I make things right?

I can't even reach him. I don't know where he went. I contacted all his friends and they hadn't heard from him. I asked them to tell him to call me if he contacts them. I called my parents and told them how I ended up cheating and Jay found out and he left. Nobody knew where he was. Mom said that I did not deserve him and good for him for leaving. I understood their anger and told her that I am angrier at myself than either of them will ever understand. I pleaded with them that if they hear from Jay, to tell him that I would like to, no, I really need to, talk with him.

Jay: It was the Thursday after the Sunday when I left Minneapolis. I had a doctor's appointment so I called to cancel it because I was in no mood to see the doctor. The doctor came on the phone and mentioned that there was an opening for my day-surgery on the coming Monday, instead of waiting another 3 months, as originally scheduled. I thought about it and decided to have the surgery. He set up all the pre-op requirements for the next day. I talked to the head of our HR, Frank, and told him that I am taking a couple of weeks extra to recover from surgery. I sent the doctor's note to Frank. Afterall, if this is what I expect from all my employees, I better follow suit. I debated if I should tell Katy but I had told her I will stay out of her life so I decided against it. After all, the was surgery was only about an hour long and I should be discharged that afternoon, by 1 or 2 pm on the same day.

On the Monday morning, I took a cab to the hospital. I was prepped for surgery. When I came to after the surgery, the doctor said that there was a complication during the surgery and I would have to stay in the hospital for a few days. He said something about blood not clotting properly. As I was just coming out of anesthesia, I was groggy and didn't quite get the whole story about what the complication was. About Wednesday afternoon, the nurse said that everything looked fine and I may be discharged either later that day or the next morning, depending what the doctor says. I got discharged on the Thursday morning. As they were wheeling me out of the hospital in a wheelchair, Lydia, a friend of Katy's, ran into me and said hello. We chit-chatted for a moment and I got into the cab.

Katy: Lydia called and said she saw Jay being wheeled out of the hospital. What? Hospital? What happened? Did he harm himself? I didn't know what that was about and I got very worried. I called the doctor's office but they wouldn't share any information with me including how to reach him. I called his work again but he hadn't gone back to work yet. I asked his Admin Assistant, Tracey, to please ask Jay to call me right away. He never did.

Peter sent me the divorce papers. My eyes were so full of tears that I couldn't even read them. Is my life with him over? I lost my husband over meaningless sex? I contacted my dad's lawyer and he agreed to represent me. If Jay wanted a divorce, I will not contest it. My lawyer and I went over what I am entitled to according to the law; he suggested that we ask for more and settle on the allowed 50-50. I asked him to arrange a meeting with Peter and Jay in person, otherwise, I will not sign anything. I was heart-broken and numb so I just went along with what the lawyer suggested but I was looking forward to seeing Jay.

Jay: When I returned to work, there were messages from Katy but I ignored them. A couple weeks after my surgery, I called Peter and he said that Katy's lawyer wanted to meet with both of us, in person, to move forward with the divorce. I told him to set it up. At the meeting, I was surprised that Katy was there, although I am not sure why I wasn't expecting her. She looked ravishing. She was wearing the dress and jewellery that I had bought for her. She still made that dress look so sexy, but for the first time, the jewellery sparkled brighter than her eyes. I loved her. I could tell she's been crying and looked sad. She got up to hug me but her lawyer put his hand out and stopped her. I couldn't take my eyes off her; as I kept looking at her, it wasn't with anger or hate. It was with how important she had been to me, how much she had given me, and how fulfilling my life had been with her. My eyes started to tear up.

Peter went over a few things and then said that her lawyer had presented some demands to settle the divorce. He said that Katy wants her share of the house. I said that she can have the whole house but I will keep paying the mortgage payments. Katy was surprised as well as Peter. Peter said that I can get her to take half of the mortgage payments. I explained, "some of the debt for the house went into the company to support me and it wouldn't be fair to her to carry the full mortgage." I could see her confusion behind her tears.

She also wanted all the furnishings, paintings, and other art work we had. I agreed.

She also wanted all of the money in the savings account that we had built up together as well as the gold bullions in the safety deposit box. We had both put money in the savings. I agreed. Katy wanted to say something but her lawyer stopped her. Peter asked me if I was sure because we can split it 50-50; I said that if that's what she wants, I was sure.

Katy didn't want me to touch her pension or her retirement plan, even though it was worth twice as much as mine; she will not touch my retirement plan. That was our savings for retirement. We were hoping to enjoy retirement together but life has cruel twists. I didn't want to cheat her of her retirement savings so I agreed. Peter said that we can split this half-way and I said, "No, I won't touch her retirement funds."

Katy wanted our convertible and my watch collection. This surprised me. The watch collection had some rare pieces that I had collected over time. I looked at her confused because I didn't think she was interested in them. But, after a few moments, I agreed. Peter asked me to reconsider but I said that if she wants them, she can have them. Katy had a surprised look on her as she knew that both of these were part of my favourite hobbies.

Katy wanted to give her share of the business back to me. I said no. She deserves the 50% because she supported me unconditionally and she kept me financially afloat many times during the company's weakest times. Without her, there would be no company. I can not take that away from her. Peter said that we can set up a tax-system where she can get a smaller portion so I can have a majority of control. I said no, the full 50%. He again suggested that I should at least take 51% of the company so I would own majority of the company and I told him no that it was ok the way it was.

Peter asked what I wanted in the divorce. I told him that everything we talked about was fine with me and I didn't want anything else. With what I walked in on in Minneapolis, I can not stay with someone that does not value or appreciate or respect me.

Katy just kept looking at me, shaking her head, tears rolling down her face. She started to say something, her lawyer tried to stop her but she brushed him off. We all looked at her.

Katy said, "Lydia told me that you were in the hospital. I hope it wasn't serious. I am sorry that you didn't tell me but I do understand. I would have liked to be there for you.

"Jay, I am so sorry for what I did. I should have stopped him and never started with him but I was flattered that a younger man found me attractive and desirable. And I didn't say no. I actually didn't recognize myself when I was with him and felt disgusted with myself for cheating but I, for some reason, didn't stop. I never meant to embarrass you or hurt you or jeopardize our marriage. I never ever thought that you were a fool. I never replaced you in my heart. I do value you and appreciate you so much. And I respect you so much. The affair was never about you although what I did eventually affected you badly. I adore you. The affair wasn't about love or the sex because you are the best lover I have ever had. Ironically, sex with him was not satisfying but I still kept going back to him. I always took two showers, one at the Studio and one at home to wash him off me so you would never get any of his leftovers. I never thought of him when you were making love to me but I always thought of you when I was with him; and we never met up in our house.

"My life isn't complete without you. I will never forget how you were always there for me, supporting me. I totally regret what I did. I know that I am the reason that you are hurting so deeply. I am so, so, sorry. I can't go back in time and stop myself, to undo what I did. I understand that I broke the vows I took and the promise I made to you; that is hurting me so much. I have lost you but I live everyday in the hopes of forgiveness from you, in the hopes of fixing what I broke, in the hopes of taking away your pain. Some day, I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me.

"You are being too generous in this divorce settlement. I thought you would fight for everything because I cheated on you and betrayed you; my lawyer told me to ask for more than what I should get. You didn't need to agree to everything he demanded but I know that you are not a hurtful and a vengeful person but a kind and compassionate one. That is why you didn't yell at me or berate me when you found me in Minneapolis. You didn't say anything to David, make a scene, or go after him. You just turned and left. I realized what I did to you. When I saw the pain in your eyes as you walked away, my heart sank at what I did.

"I also want you to know that I have given up jazz dance classes and participating in meets and competitions. I have let David go and have cancelled his rent at the Studio. I will not be making love to anyone else for as long as I live because you are the man that was especially made for me and I royally screwed it up. Please know that I love you, have loved you from the first day we met, and will love you to the day I die. What I did was stupid and careless and I have never, or ever will, love anyone else. I just want your forgiveness."

Jay: When she finished, she was sniffling and tears were flowing from her eyes and her mascara was running. My eyes were full of tears also. I felt really bad for her and wanted to hold her and comfort her but I couldn't get what I saw her doing with her coach out of my mind and didn't know how to trust her again.

I told her, "You are a beautiful woman, smart, successful, and sexy. Every man on the face of this Earth would want you and I understand that; I was so proud that you had chosen me to fall in love with. It never occurred to me that you would choose to be with anyone other than me. I was totally shocked with what I saw and couldn't believe my eyes. I don't know what I did or didn't do that caused you to turn to another man. Since that moment in Minneapolis, I have feelings that I am unimportant, second in your heart. I meant every word in the note I left you. You had given yourself to him both physically and mentally and I wondered if you were just going through the motions with me. Trust and doubts of your words to me has become a big issue and I don't know how to get over that. I started to see a counsellor but I am not sure it is helping. Please know that I want you to be happy. You do not need to be celibate on my behalf because I know how important sex is for you and I don't want you to suffer. I want you to have a good and a happy life and I want you to find love again.

"As for what you want in the divorce, it is a fraction of what you have given me over the past twelve years. You supported me in my business unconditionally; you have made me happier than I have ever been; you have made my life richer and more fulfilling; you have shared your life with me; you have shared my bed; you have given me your love; you have given a purpose to my life. You have helped me be a better man; I am more compassionate, more kind, more generous, more understanding, more patient, more considerate, more joyful, and less arrogant. I like who I am becoming and it's all because of you. I am indebted to you for that. This is why I am not contesting anything you asked for.

"As for the surgery, there was a last-minute opening for the one I was supposed to have a few months down the line and I took it. I debated about telling you but I had said that that I would not bother you again and I chose not to tell you.

"I cherish innumerable moments and memories of our life together and will do so for the rest of my life. I mean it when I say, I want you to be happy." And then I became quiet.

Katy: "How can I be happy without you? You never were or ever will be second in my heart. No one comes close to you in how important you are to me and how much I love you. And it would have no bother to be at the hospital. I would have loved to look after you, especially because of the complication in the surgery. You must have been so lonely all those days you were in the hospital by yourself. I hope you are healthy again."

Jay: She got up and started to come to hug me but she thought about it and with tears in her eyes, left the room. I didn't go after her. Peter made me sign a few documents and I left.

I had to learn to start my life over again. How can I, when Katy was so intertwined in every aspect of my life and for so long? In a few weeks, I started back at work. I spent 10-12 hours a day, seven days a week, working. I went to the gym every morning. My body became stronger and leaner. I had a few women show an interest in me but I wasn't ready to date anyone. Besides, it wouldn't be fair to be with them when I was so much in love with someone else. My company took off and from the profits, I was able to give myself a huge raise in pay, a truck, and a condo. I still put in the long hours because personal time without Katy is too painful. I ached for her at nights. So, my life went, work all day, sleep, go to the gym and to work. I didn't go out anywhere, I didn't take any vacations.

Katy: I got my job back at the blood bank. My routine involved going to work, going to the studio after work and teaching dance to kids, going home, grabbing something to eat, and sleeping. And missing Jay. David tried to contact me several times. I finally met him for coffee one afternoon for the last time and told him to never contact me again and if he comes around the house or the studio, I will get a restraining order and that I will tell all other studios what he did with his student. That will ruin his professional reputation. I blocked his number. I know he is not to blame. He saw an easy piece of ass and went for it. What man wouldn't? It was me that allowed this to start and continue. It was me that cheated and destroyed my marriage and hurt the only man I am still so in love with. It was all me. The funny part is that the sex with David wasn't even good.