I Couldn't Believe My Eyes

Jay won't acknowledge my calls, texts, emails, or my messages at his office and I haven't had any contact with him since the meeting with the lawyers. I decided to write him a letter:

Dear Jay; I am so sorry for my involvement with David. I've thought about my affair and how it broke us. Please know that I was never unhappy or unsatisfied with you or in our marriage. David made me feel young and said nice things and how I looked in the tunic. He was clearly seducing me. I knew it, I was flattered, and it felt good. I guess that's how I got hooked. We started about two months before you found us. We hooked up every couple of weeks after rehearsals. I totally regret what I did. It is completely over with David. He no longer coaches me and I have stopped going to competitions. I've gone back to work at the blood lab and have kept the studio open for after-school programs for kids.

I know that I broke your trust and I hurt you deeply with my affair. I am so sorry for that. I didn't think about it because I thought that if you didn't know, there would be no harm. I could get away with it. I was being selfish. The funny part is sex with him was exciting but not satisfying. He was a selfish lover. I wasn't satisfied and I felt empty. When he finished, he left and I washed him off me. With you, sex isn't just sex, it is love, even when we have our quickies. When you and I make love, you cherish me after, you hold me and kiss me, and tell me how important I am to you. Making love to you was always euphoric and that feeling never goes away. You make me feel like a total woman. Even though I had sex with him the few times, my heart and body always belonged to you and now they long for you. Well, my love, you were and still are more important to me then life itself.

The affair was my doing and I know I screwed up. I take full responsibility and I regret I let it happen. I made a huge mistake and my lying and cheating has cost me my marriage and my soul mate.

I love you so much. My love for you has grown so deep that I don't have words to describe it; I love you more now than I did when we got married. I am realizing how much I depended on your love and support and how much I need to have you in my life. I hate what I did to you and wish I could go back in time so I don't get tempted.

I don't blame you for the divorce. Now, I don't want anything in my life more than your forgiveness. Please know how much I love you and wish you the very best. I miss my man that makes me laugh, my man that talks to me and takes an interest in me and my life, my man who allows me to grow and be me, my man who looks after me when I am not well and have severe monthly pains, my man who calms my fears, my man who loves me unconditionally, my man who satisfies me completely when making love to me, and my man who makes my life a daily adventure. I miss my man whom I love so very much.

There is a huge void in my life. If you ever think about me, please call. I would love to talk with you. You are a good man and a loving husband. I love you and no one else. Please look after yourself.

I miss you.

Always yours,

Katy

And I mailed it to his work. He never replied and I didn't see or talk with him for quite awhile.

Jay: I started to cry as I read her letter. Katy has taken full responsibility, as I expected she would. I felt empty inside and didn't reply.

My Admin Assistant, Tracey, came in and asked if she could share something personal with me. I had talked to her about what happened between Katy and I on several occasions. I looked at her and said sure. Tracey said, "I had an affair about 5 years ago that lasted a couple of months and my husband found out soon after I had ended it. His rage and hurt were nothing I had ever seen before. He moved out. Over the following year, I realized how much I still truly loved him. I had caused all his pain and hurt. I took full responsibility for the affair and explained that the affair was a mistake that will never happen again. We went into counselling. He did eventually forgive me. After about six months, we moved back together and we started to work on our marriage. I guess we are still working on our marriage. It took time but he has started to trust me again. I will never break this trust again. I know what kind of mood you've been coming to work with daily, I can see it on your face. You don't have to get back together with Katy but if you don't forgive her, it will eat away at you and you will never get over the hurt and the pain. Just think about it."

I hugged Tracey and thanked her. I didn't realize that Tracey had cheated and she had so much turmoil afterwards. She never showed it in the office. Her advice was sound and she told me something I never thought about. I had some thinking to do.

Katy: I am now a director at the blood lab and the studio is very successful. Some of my students have turned to professional dancing. I guide them away from David. When I get home, I watch tv or read a book. I get very lonely, especially for Jay, and have a hard time sleeping through the night. Jay had spoiled me in bed so after awhile, my fingers and toy just weren't enough. God, what did I do? Why did I do it? I can't even look at another man. I miss Jay so much but I will respect his wishes.

Jay: Up to about two years after that day at the lawyer's, I had no contact with Katy; I had not even seen her anywhere. I thought of her daily and wanted to reach out to her but what if she had moved on? What if she had found someone and was happy now? I wrote her letters but didn't mail them.

One day, I was eating lunch in an outdoor café and I heard, "Jay? How are you?". I recognized Katy's voice immediately and looked up. She was with her sister. They were out for a sister-lunch and just happened to pick that restaurant. Susan touched my back and gave me a kiss on my cheek and told me that she missed me. I think Katy wanted to as well but she stopped herself. Seeing her, I felt my eyes get moist. I wiped my face. She asked if they can join me and I said that I would love it if they did.

We talked about how Katy patched things up with Susan and how her parents forgave her and that she is still working on trying to get the closeness she had with them before all this happened. God, she was so beautiful. To me, there was no one that can compare to her matchless beauty. I couldn't take my eyes off her. I kept staring at her. I started to tear up, again. She reached over and wiped the tears from my eyes. Katy said she has not even looked at anyone since the divorce. She said that she went back to work at the blood lab and she still runs the dance school in the evenings for children and that it is going really well. I told her about my day and how the company is keeping me busy.

They ordered lunch and I ordered soup and a slice of toast. Katy asked if that's all I am eating and I said that I don't eat much. I had lost my enjoyment of food a few years ago and I eat just to sustain myself. She said, "it looks like you've lost some weight and have been working out. You look good." I thanked her and told her she looks radiant, as always.

I realized that I still loved her so much.

After lunch, I paid for the three of us. Susan had left a little earlier for an appointment. As Katy was leaving, she gave a me a slip of paper with her phone number, even though it was the same number as before. I called her right away, before she reached the gate of the café. She didn't recognize the number but she answered. I said, "I don't know what the protocol is for an ex-husband to ask his ex-wife out for a date but would you like to go out for dinner tomorrow evening?" She turned around right away, remembering how I had asked her out for our first date, smiling ear-to-ear, she said exuberantly, "Yes. Yes. Hell yes. YES."

Katy: Jay asked me out to dinner. He asked me out! On a date! I've been waiting for this forever. Of course, I said yes. I have to get my nails done! And my hair done. I have to go through my closet and pick out a nice dress. He asked me out! I have not felt this happy for a long time.

Jay: I made reservations at the same restaurant as our very first date. When she walked in, she looked radiant. I couldn't stop staring. God, I still loved her so much. As Katy came to the table, I stood up and she kissed my cheek and stroked my other cheek. She smelled so nice. We ordered wine. She kept looking at me and I kept looking at her throughout dinner. We couldn't speak; we just wanted to take each other in. Finally, I told her how beautiful she looked. She blushed.

We both grinned. I took her hand and stroked it. Her smile was so infectious and her eyes pierced my heart again.

I told her how lonely I have been and how I ached for her, and my only solace was my work. I apologized that I never talked to her about the business as she is still a 50-50 partner; I never consulted her on the decisions I made, on the running of the company, or kept her apprised of the value of the company, over time. The company is extremely successful.

Katy: "Don't worry. I totally trust you and I know that you will never cheat me. You will make wise decisions that will help the company, our clients, and the community.

"Have you met anyone or have a girlfriend?"

Jay: I told her no, that she had spoiled me and no one can come close to comparing to her. I have not dated since Minneapolis.

Katy: "That must be frustrating, especially at night. I know how much you loved physical contact and sex."

Jay: I told her that I agreed, but using my hand is not totally satisfactory. We both laughed. Katy said that she knows what I mean and it is the same for her. I told her that I have her picture on my night table and I talk to her almost every night and that comforts me a little. In fact, I write her letters about once every couple of weeks.

Katy: "Letters? I didn't get anything."

Jay: "I didn't mail them. I have them all."

Katy: "May I read them? Are they mine?"

Jay: I told her yes; they were hers and that I would bring them the next time.

Katy: I caught that. I said, "Next time?"

Jay: Looking her in her eyes, I said, "Yes, the next time." I could see her eyes moistening. I continued, "I discovered things about myself while away from you that was pretty ugly. My shallow male ego, my pride, my macho-self, my self-righteousness took over and I went into self-pity about what you did. I tried to hate you but I just couldn't. You tried to apologize and you tried to talk to me and I wouldn't have it. With my feelings and emotions, the way they were, my ego took over and I shut you out completely, the most important person in the world to me. I didn't even try to understand what drove you to have the affair or give you a chance to explain what happened. I never allowed you to tell me what you were feeling and why you did it.

"You never blamed me for anything, including walking away from our marriage and the divorce. I know that the affair wasn't my fault but I had a hand in destroying our marriage; you weren't the one that left everything behind. I did that. You accepted the blame for what you did and wanted to make it right. All you asked for was forgiveness. All I did was ignore you and I developed a callous disregard for your pain. I regret that I wasn't thinking rationally. I didn't stand by you as I had promised in my wedding vows to you and I am truly sorry for that.

Katy tried to say something but I indicated to her that I wanted to finish.

"I was judging you harshly for breaking the vows you made to me during our wedding. Well, I realized that I also broke vows I made to you. I sincerely apologize for breaking my wedding vows. I had promised to never make you cry and to stand by you. My ego just took over and I didn't care about anything else and I ended up being responsible for all those tears that you had for the last couple of years and I wasn't there to support you. I am so sorry. Please forgive me." Katy stood up and came to me.

Katy: Wiping the tears from my eyes, she said, "Oh, my love. There is nothing to forgive. I caused the problems in our relationship and our marriage. You were gracious in how you treated me. I know I would have been much harder on you if you were the one cheating. There is nothing for you to apologize for. We have both cried enough tears. Let's work on earning trust and becoming friends again."

Jay: I continued, "I also want you to know, and you will find out when you read my letters that I believe that you really regret what you did and truly wanted to do things to make up for it. I forgave you a long-time ago."

Katy: "What? Did I hear that right? What? Really? Oh, my. You forgive me? I've been waiting to hear this from you for all this time. You forgive me?"

Jay: She started to cry and reached out for me again.

"Yes, I forgive you". I held her tight. After a few moments, I said, "Katy, I ache for you, even after all this time. I still love you more than the day we got married. The type of love I have for you can not be reduced or extinguished. My heart still has your name written on it an it still calls out your name every time it beats but it's not getting an answer back. Will you answer my heart?"

Katy: "Oh yes, I will. I never stopped loving you. You are my life and my soul. I will never let you doubt me ever again or give you second thoughts about me. I love you and I will answer your heart with every beat of my heart. My heart only beats for you." I know that I said that we had shed enough tears but I started to cry and smile at the same time. I flung my arms around Jay once again and kept planting kisses on his face.

Jay: As she held me tightly, I hugged her back. I didn't want to let go. With tears in my eyes, I whispered in her ears, several times, to hold me tight and to not let me go. She said that she never will and clung to me tighter. Then she looked at me, wiped my tears and kissed me. And I kissed her back.

Katy: Oh my God. Is this happening? Am I dreaming? My man, my husband, my friend, my support, my life, my soulmate, my lover is in my arms telling me not to let him go? I never will. He's forgiven me! Am I in heaven?

Jay: We went out every day that week. I gave her all the letters I had written to her. I had written about how lonely I was, how I ached for her, what I was feeling and how I was doing and how much I loved and missed her. I wrote about my thoughts, my day, the business, and the emptiness I felt. I also wrote about how I forgave her. I asked her to read them when she is alone. Katy told me that she read and reread all of them and she cried through every one of them.

One of the things we talked about is how Katy is going to forgive herself for what she did as she is still torn-up about the cheating and how much pain she caused me. Katy said she will need help as she still can not believe she did what she did that broke our marriage and caused me so much pain. This will be a long process and we will work on it together.

The next Friday, Katy invited me to her house for dinner. When I got there, dinner was ready. It has been a long time since I had food this delicious.

After we cleaned the kitchen, we went and sat on the couch. I asked Katy to come sit next to me. She sat next to me and turned to face me. I looked at her chest and could see her nipples were poking in front of the blouse. Boy, she was so hot. I brought her close to me and kissed her, a long-prolonged kiss. She clamped her lips over mine and started to probe my mouth and started sucking my tongue. Katy moaned and started to squirm as she became more excited. While we were kissing, I started to squeeze her firm breasts. I reached for her right nipple through her dress and bra and pinched it. We continued kissing and making out for a good 15 minutes and I kept fondling her firm tits. She moaned into my mouth and pushed her chest further into my hand. I had missed making love to her so much.

I unhooked her dress and slipped it off; she stood up for a second to free it from her legs. And I took her beautiful lace bra off. She looked so sexy topless. I continued to play with her warm, firm boobs and her nipples - they were very sensitive. Her long nipples were hard and stood out, aroused. Slowly, I licked down to Katy's chest and started licking her between her tits. I put my tongue on her left nipple and licked I while I squeezed the right one. It tasted so sweet. Katy shuddered as I started to suck on the nipple and as she winced, my cock began to grow. She said, "Yessss. It feels so good. I've missed you so much. Don't stop". I alternated sucking each tit. As I sucked on her nipple greedily, I rolled the other nipple between my thumb and finger, gently pinching it to make it hard.

I put my hands around her waist and had her sit, facing me, with her legs on both sides of my lap. I kept playing with her beautiful tits that jutted out so warm, firm, and conical. As I reached to kiss her in her mouth, she felt me between my legs and mewed, "Wow. Something is excited. You're getting rock hard". My cock was straining out into my pants and she was rubbing it between her legs. I moved my hands over her side and onto her waist. I found the top of her panty and I put my finger into the waistband and pulled it down. She stood up slightly and allowed me to take it off her smooth legs. To me she still is the most beautiful woman on earth, both with and without clothes. Her pussy was still gorgeous. It looked soft and smooth with no hair. Katy said that she had shaved it for me for tonight. I guess she knew something was going to happen! Her slit was straight and the labia was engorged. The hood covering her clit poked out, glistening. I could smell her arousal. She pulled my shirt off and as she unbuckled my belt, I removed my pants. I was so hard and had already leaked some pre-cum.

Katy sat back down on my lap and started stroking my cock. As she licked and sucked my right nipple, Katy fondled the tip of my cock, playing with my pre-cum. She looked me in the eye and coyly smiled as she brought her finger to her mouth and licked it clean by sucking on her finger. I reached between her legs and cupped her cunt and pressed my middle finger at the entrance of her pussy. It was wet and warm. She gasped and then shifted and opened her legs wider and allowed me to find her little bump of a clitoris. As I fondled and rubbed her clit, my other hand squeezed and fondled her nipple. Katy started to moan and thrash. She moaned, "Oh, fuckkkkk Yesssssss. So gooooddddddd." All of a sudden, her thighs closed tight on my hand and she wriggled and shuddered to an orgasm. Katy put her arms around me, kissed me, and said, "It's been so long". I did not remove my fingers. I kept stroking and rubbing her slippery clit. Her tongue probed inside my mouth, swirling around my tongue. She was rhythmically moving her pelvis against my hand and finger. She shuddered and trembled again. When she caught her breath, she said, "Wow. That was good. You still know how to play me."

Katy than got off my lap and kneeled on the floor in front of me. She grabbed my now hard cock and started to stroke it. She put her tongue on the tip and started to lick it. As she licked down my hard shaft and played with the tip of my cock, more pre-cum started to drip. She played with the oozing stickiness and brought it to her mouth and started to suck her finger. "Ummmmm, finger licking good!" she said. She moved her tongue over the tip and licked it clean and then enveloped her warm moist lips around my shaft and started to suck. She remained just at the tip and sucked strongly. This drove me crazy. I grabbed her head and tried to push my cock into her mouth. As she made eye contact with her beautiful hazel eyes, she moved her mouth over my shaft and took me deep in her mouth. Katy moved her head up and down, sucking greedily. She would lift her head up fast and move her mouth to my tip and then she would slowly lower her face down my cock all the while, maintaining a strong suction. While she was sucking me, her fingers were playing with her pussy. It had been so long. It made my cock get harder and thicker than it had ever been.