Ink Pt. 02

"Who is he Mija?" Manny asked, still looking hurt as more tears welled in his eyes.

I closed the distance and barrelled into his chest and he closed his arms around me. He let out a wail of words I didn't understand at all, then kissed the top of my head over and over. "Mija, your family... everyone! We have been afraid you were dead. You just disappeared! Who is this man?"

"Tony... Tony is my master."

"Master?!? What does that mean Mija?"

"I punish her," Tony answered. "I make her mind, I make her serve me unconditionally."

Manny made a strangled noise and looked down at me incredulously. "You... you had sex with him? You are living with him?!?"

"Look man, it's not what you are thinking. Think of it like... think of it like this. She is a cake. I am a cake decorator. I love decorating cakes, she needed to be decorated. I don't love the cake, I love my work. She doesn't love the decorator, she just needed to be iced. You understand?"

"Not even a little!" Manny squawked.

"It's not personal. We aren't in love. It's not even about sex. She needed to forget, she needed pain, I deal in pain. I iced her cake. That's it. Doll, you want to tell me what all of this is?"

"Manny... Manny was my fiance. I left after... after the psycho thing... He saved me from him, but I couldn't deal... I had to leave. Get away from all of it."

"Ok. So what now. We going home or are you taking off again?"

"Mija, your family is worried sick! It's all over the news that you disappeared, they have been saying you are dead. Your family is devastated. I have been heartbroken! Come back home with me Mija. If not for me, then for your family. Get the help you need. Please?"

I looked up at Manny as he stroked my hair out of my face and swallowed hard.

"Tony and I have had sex," I said, shoving it out of my mouth.

He flinched, but schooled his expression immediately.

"I had sex with my ex boss."

He looked away.

"I performed oral sex on anyone Tony told me to. I don't know names or even how many."

He released me and stepped back, horrified.

"It was never about pleasure for her," Tony said, moving closer. "She buried her past in pain. Physical and emotional."

"You just stay out of it!" Manny snapped at Tony, his cheeks turning red with rage.

Tony laughed. "Mmm, Doll, what I wouldn't give for ten minutes with your little boy toy strapped to my bed. I bet his ass is as tight as yours was at first."

I blushed and looked down, but Manny was almost apoplectic. "Tony," I said softly. "Please don't bait him?"

"It's so easy to do though. How about it Manny? I take you and Doll back to my place? Show you what she has been up to?"

"Her name isn't Doll!" Manny said angrily, glaring at me now.

"I know her name, don't I Rhett?"

"I... ummm... no. No, Tony, you don't. Rhett is my nickname, but it's not short for Amorette. I made that up."

"Did you now? I think you need a few hours in the stocks, Doll."

"She is NOT yours to hurt anymore!" Manny said angrily, taking hold of my arm. Not affectionately, just possessively.

"You wanting to take her place? I've never heard anyone beg in spanish, but I'd like to."

"Tony," I said, exasperated. "Stop teasing him. Sorry Tony, I... think it's time for me to go home. I learned what I needed to from you."

"Did you Doll?" he asked curiously.

"Yes."

"Ok. You coming back to my place to get your things or should I ship them?"

"Ship them!" Manny snapped, pulling me closer.

I sighed. "Emanuel," I whispered, turning and looking up at him. "This is not like you..."

"No Mija. No. The joy was all stolen from my heart, wasn't it?"

I looked down, tears springing to my eyes. "I will come get my things, Tony, then could you take me to the bus station?"

"No Mija, I rented a car. We are driving back, we have things to talk about me and you."

"We don't need to talk," I answered softly. "I am coming home. I will marry you."

His face went guarded. "Who says I want to marry you still?" he demanded. "You think I have no self respect at all? No self esteem that I would take you back after what you did?"

"You do," I answered simply. "I know you do. I am ready. I learned what I needed to here. There is nothing I cannot handle now, not after all the pain I endured by choice. I can get through anything. I know I can."

"Ay Mija," he said brokenly and pulled me close. "What have you done to yourself?"

"Doll, ride back with me. There's a few things I need to say to you," Tony said darkly. "Man, you can follow me."

"Mija rides with me!"

"Doll rides with me," Tony said, standing up straight and staring Manny down. Manny had to crane his neck, but he didn't back down.

"Manny, it's a short drive, I can let him say what he needs to and we have a very long drive back to KC when we leave."

"KC," Tony spat. "What else did you like about?"

"Almost everything about me and my past," I said with a sigh. "I will tell you everything before I leave."

"Mija, I..."

"It's ok Manny. I owe him a ride home."

"You will not kiss him!"

I laughed, I couldn't help it. "Manny, he has never once tried to kiss me... it really isn't about that between us. At all. We don't kiss. We don't do anything like that... He's a Master. That's it."

"Mija..."

"Manny, really. Please? Just follow us?"

"Or you can ride with us," Tony offered with a grin.

Manny scowled at him, then yanked me close and pulled me onto a kiss. It felt so odd to kiss after all this time, to show emotion and affection. I was stiff and tense enough that he pulled back looking hurt again.

"Soon," I whispered. "Please give me time."

"Ay Mami," he whispered back, pressing his head to mine.

"Let's get this done," I said more loudly, pulling back. Tony took hold of my hand as he led me to his car, something he had never done before. Manny got in his rental and followed us. I looked at Tony several times, but he just sat there, pissed. "I thought you wanted to..." I began.

"So everything was a lie?"

"Most of it."

"Why? No. I don't care. You love that kid?"

"I did. I think I do... it's hard to tell now. I feel..."

"Like your emotions are turned off?"

"Yeah."

"You've been like that for months. So you don't know if you love him. You might not, right?"

"I don't know. I guess I will find out."

"So what if you don't? You could stay, you know."

"Stay? With you?"

"Yeah Doll, with me."

"Tony, do you LIKE me?" I asked in shock, smiling slightly at the thought.

"I'm used to you Doll. I like having you around. I've gotten used to sleeping next to you. Eating your shitty food. The fantastic way you suck cock."

"Way to lay on the charm."

"Let's not pretend Doll, you know I say what I mean. I want you to stay, so stay."

"I need to go home. It's time."

"Because he says it is? That little overly emotional pretty boy?"

"Manny is great," I said, offended.

"He looks like a good fuck, I don't know about great. Maybe I will keep him too if he can suck cock like you do."

"I don't think he would be in for that."

"Convince him," Tony teased. "Get him to stay a night."

"I don't think he could be convinced. I don't want to convince him. I... I don't want him to see that side of me. Of what happened here."

"You told him that..."

"Hearing I sucked a few cocks isn't the same as seeing the torture devices you used on me. You don't know him like I do. It would hurt his heart."

Tony growled a sigh as he pulled into his driveway. "Stay," he said again, it was more pleading than command this time.

"I can't. I love that you want me to, but he is right. My family deserves better than what I did to them."

I didn't wait for him to answer, I got out and went inside to pack. I laid the collar on his dresser and when I came out, Tony and Manny were staring each other down.

"All I am saying is you never know unless you try it. You could at least have a look at the goods, see if it makes you a little excited."

"Tony!" I said, exasperated all over again. "I told you he is not into that."

"He has never even tried!"

"Mija, are you ready?" Manny asked tersely.

"Yeah," I answered and let him take my bag. "Bye Tony, thanks for everything. Really."

"Sure Doll. Sure you don't want to stay one night? Let me show him a few things?"

"You are incorrigible! No, we need to go," I said, following Manny to the door.

"Doll! You said you would explain everything before you left."

"Oh... yeah. Umm, actually. My name is Margaret Hjalman. H-J-A-L-M-A-N. You can google me."

"Google you? What the hell Doll?"

"Yeah," Manny volunteered loudly from his car where he was putting my bag. "I am Emanuel Ramirez. We should be the first 300 or so search results you find."

"Wait. Wait a sec," Tony demanded, grabbing my arm as he opened a browser on his phone. He held me there as he looked and I waited patiently. I saw his face go from surprised, to shocked, to confused and then horrified. "Doll... THAT was what you were hiding from? Fuck. Why didn't you tell me?"

"So you wouldn't ask questions. So you wouldn't look at me like you are right now. So you wouldn't remind me of what happened every single time I look at you." I gave him a sad smile as he looked down at me, stunned. I pulled away and turned and got in the car, smiling at Manny as he held the door for me. "Tell Henry I said bye!" I called before Manny shut the door.

Manny didn't speak right away, he waited until we were out of town. He still seemed to be having trouble finding the words he wanted.

"Thanks for coming," I said, finally breaking the silence.

"Yeah Mija, you knew I would."

"I didn't. I should have, but I didn't. It never even occurred to me."

"You forgot me so completely?"

"I tried to."

"Why Mija?!?"

"Because it hurts. Looking at you hurts. The way you look at me hurts. Everything back there hurts, all of it. I don't even know how to explain it. I just needed to get away from the constant reminders. Go somewhere where no one knew who I was, where every look in my direction wasn't someone wanting to ask me about him."

"Ay Mami," he whispered mournfully. "I could have helped you. We could have worked through it together!"

"We still can."

"Mija... You are so sure. I was serious when I said I have more self respect than that. You dropping me and running off to whore around with all those men."

"Whore is a made up word used to shame women! Don't ever use it again. I slept with one man and allowed pleasure from it. With Tony... it wasn't about that. He fucked me, yes, but it wasn't about pleasure or intimacy. Three guys at twenty five? Is that whorish? Fuck you Manny. If I had been with two guys before you, would you say the same thing? No. Self respect? Manny I was hiding from my pain. I was hiding behind physical pain because it hurt less. I was discovering how to fight through the pain my own way. You want to hurt me with more words? More names? More idle threats? Go for it. I can take anything you dish out now, but just know that you won't be seeing me once we get home. You can't trap me in here with you and say hurtful things to make me feel bad and then be nice once we get close to home. Manipulate me into coming back to you on your terms. No. I refuse to let you degrade me for doing what I had to to learn to live with things!"

"Mija, I should not have said whore, but you slept with other men! When you knew how I felt!"

"I knew how I felt! Like I needed to forget. Like I needed to gain control of myself and forget at the same time. I needed to learn to not let sex scare me and hold me hostage. I broke up with you and left. I was free to do as I pleased, as were you. It may have been a shitty thing to do and I admit that, but I will NOT let you degrade me for it. I did not cheat on you and even so, I told you about it before I would come back home with you. No lies. Not between us, not ever."

"No lies. Did you love that pendejo?"

"No. Not even a little. I respected him and he taught me a valuable lesson, but I won't even look back."

"I have been sick with worry over you Mija! And you have been... someones sex slave!"

"No. Pain slave. I think you are misunderstanding. Tony had no interest in me like that. He would top me, but never have sex with me. Not like you are thinking. He would have gladly had sex with you."

"He... he is gay?"

"More pan, but you are more his flavor than I am. I was a slave. I was there for pain and he gave it to me. Tortured me every day and I stayed for it. I asked for it. Sex was never about sex. It was about humiliation and torture. You need to understand the difference. I slept with you because I loved you, because I wanted to please you, because it felt good and I was happy in your arms. I didn't sleep with him. I let him fuck me. No. I didn't let him, I was usually tied down when he did it, which wasn't often by the way. He has a cock as big as his forearm and I am not built for that. He only forced it on me when he wanted to hurt me particularly bad. To hurt me. Not because he liked me or wanted me like that, but to make me beg him to stop. Do you begin to understand?"

"No, Mija, no! I don't! Why would you do that to yourself? Let him do that to you?"

"BECAUSE REAL PAIN DOESN'T HURT AS BAD AS REMEMBERING! NIGHTMARES!" I screamed, angry that he was being so obtuse. "I HAD to forget! That was the only thing that worked! You need to get past this or I will have you pull over and I will call an Uber. Or Tony."

"No, fuck that pendejo! He will never hurt you again!"

"I would rather he hurt me than you! I don't care about him! You and your awful words hurt more than anything he ever did to me! Why can't you understand that this isn't about hurting you or sex or any of that? I was kidnapped by a serial killer, stalked, held hostage, kidnapped again, forced to do... things and then had his brains blown out all over my while his cock was in my mouth! I was drenched in his blood while being forced to pleasure him. Trying to deal with that has nothing to do with trying to hurt you. Damnit, fuck this. Pull over."

"No Mija, no. Now you get to listen to me. You threatened your mother with never seeing you again if she tried to get you help, then ghosted her anyway. You ghosted your whole family, not just me. Your mother has been beside herself, and your brother! He is the one who found you, he had to hire a PI. Do you know how much that cost him? I came to get you because he was too afraid to. Afraid he would find you in some crackhouse, blasted out of your mind on drugs, or dead after all when your trail had gone cold. It was luck I found you, I was ready to start going door to door! No one knew who you were and your old boss refused to even speak to me! Thought I was some stalker ex who was trying to hurt you. I was posting flyers! Wandering in public and hoping. Praying to a god I don't believe in. Fuck, Mija. Fuck! We were all so upset! And madre! Ay, you may not want to come within arms reach of her again! She thought I was going to kill myself!" He went off in a mumbling rant in spanish and I waited patiently for him to pick it back up in english. "Mija, the news still calls me and your family at least once a week. There is a fucking movie coming out and once it's out, there will be more reporters and camera people hovering. Your family has been dragged through the ringer ten times over for all of this."

"Stop using my family to guilt me, anything I did to them is between them and I. It has nothing to do with you."

"Fine Mija. Let's talk about you and me. You think I would really ever take you back after what you did?"

"I know you will. You would not have come otherwise. You still love me, I see it every time you look at me and the need in your voice every time you speak. You think we need to fight, so you are yelling, but what you want to do is pull over and find a hotel. Hold me for the next twenty four hours and kiss me within an inch of my life and make love to me. You want to say that you may not want me so that I will realize what a good thing I came close to losing and cherish you all the more for it, but you don't need to. I know your worth. What I also know is that you suck for calling me names and dragging me through the mud no matter how bad you feel. I am worth more than someone who has to put me down."

"Ay Mija," he said miserably, throwing up his hands. "Fuck!"

"Yes. Drive to Portsmouth, we can stay the night there and fly home."

"Mija, I want to drive. I want to talk to you, I need time to talk to you."

"No. You don't. I have said all I need to, you decide where to go with it. I am going home to my family. You can come or not, I told you my position. I am going to sleep, wake me when we get to Portsmouth."

"Mija!"

"No. Goodnight."

I laid the seat back and turned to my side to curl up with my arm under my head. I was tired, it had been two days since I had slept, but I was used to the sleep deprivation. Still, I was exhausted mentally now too, and I felt safe enough to sleep.

Safe. Manny had always made me feel safe. I realized I could smell him, his unique, comforting smell. He smelled like home. When he reached over and curled his fingers around mine, I squeezed his hand and pulled it closer to snuggle with.