All Comments on 'Intervention From an Unlikely Source'

Your math skills are horrific. 12 hours/wk at 12/hr is $144/wk, not $576. Stopped reading right there.

He's watching you, he's watching you!

5

Check your sums, hourly wage x 12 hours does not equate to the weekly pay you indicate

My only nitpick would be the Math, When I was at school (many moons ago) I learned that 12 (hours) x 12 (dollars) would be ($)144 (per week). Other than that a good moral story.

NKen

VERY much a change of pace and will no doubt get lots of bad remarks for letting us all down. We so much wanted to see this lovely MILF get deflowered. Your writing was flawless so I will forgive you for the cold shower. Nice job.

Nice concept but you really should get an editor as you constantly jump in and out of first person

An altruistic lothario brings her to the point of choosing cheap sex over her family and then becomes a grand seer and marriage saver. Give me a break.

Fact is, she still cheated. She just didn't fuck the guy. She wanted to. None of her behavior that night even remotely passed the marriage test. Oh and I love how be became "central to the Sorrnsen's continued happiness that night." How exactly? Because the lothario got his rocks off by seducing a woman but didn't pull the trigger? Becauae Alex and the kids didn't know just how selfish and immature Jenna is? Alex isn't going to take one look at Jenna and not know she is guilty of something? Give me a break. This entire story is a mess of incongruity and I found it thoroughly unsatisfying.

Not bad…

Finally, someone with a moral compass

The first person/third person aspect threw your story all out of whack. And where did you learn math? I tried to enjoy it, it was just to convoluted. The concept was interesting, the story not so much.

Maths was a bit downer but good moral story

BOO! HISS! TERRIBLE story! Not even any retribution for the slut wife who rubbed herself all over the first man who looked at her, betrayed her husband in spirit (emotionally), and who would have cheated in bed if her seducer hadn't backed out, or for the slut coworker (Bethany) who actually did cheat on her fiance. And worst of all, you got the Star Trek reference wrong. It was "Locutus of Borg", not "Lucretius of Borg".

eh iffy territory for me. in my experience if someone wants to do something they usually end up doing it sooner or later. maybe it was the drinks. maybe she should drink with her husband to see how it effects her to see if she should be drinking at all. yes some ppl just shouldnt drink lol its a think look it up lol

Like others have said the math is wrong 12 x $12 is $144 however, the $576 is four weeks. So I guess that's what you actually meant to say. Apart from the Math nitpicking, I liked the story and the strong moral aspect of it. You pointed out just how ANYONE could 'slip' and as it's been said once is enough or one and done. I liked the main characters Alex seemed to be a good husband and father. I can understand Jenna's wanting to get out of the house and need to have some independence, Alex was right to warn her of the pitfalls. Simon seemed st be a very astute man also with strong morals not unlike Alex. 5 Stars thank you for the story

Don't really care for the story but that's just me. Jenna comes across as a wife that is eventually going to cheat. She too easily fell for the girls night out temptation. She just dodged the bullet this time. It was well written but I find myself skimming due to there being little emotion or intrigue to pull me into the story. And your math needs a whole lot of work. Your writing skills far exceed your math skills. Thanks for posting.

I believe you meant $576 per month. Be very careful the first 10 or so paragraphs as a lot of readers find glee in cutting up someone that is providing them with free entertainment. After 10paragraphs they generally are interested in finding out what happens.

"Dom Pérignon" how cliché.

Enjoyed your story very much as it was well written and imaginative. The math errors aside, you omitted Jenna's reaction in the first discussion regarding her advising Alex of her new job. Thus it was confusing why she was angry at Alex's reaction in the next morning. Five stars and look forward to reading more from you. 529th MI Co

Whe was paid monthly?

RSKY

stupid self sure, self absorbed woman. Basically she cheated and never owned up to the fact that her husband was correct. Savior or not, the intent and willingness was there, She was saved despite herself.

Would’ve been a great story if we had her perspective on why she was so close to cheating. 2 drinks and 2 dances and she’s ready to drop her dress on the floor for an “alpha male”? Didn’t expect a Martian slut ray story when I started it.

Interesting and original. Math and spelling are an issue but good story. Hubby should have had a PI on wifey first night.

More nitpicking, a bottle of Dom is not $ 2500, unless it's served by a tag team of naked escorts.

Personally I would have found the story more enjoyable told in third person than it was told mainly in first person. It seems to me that first person is most effective when you want the reader to either identify with the protagonist or find the protagonist totally revolting. This protagonist wasn't revolting but was sometimes unreasonable and willing to cheat. I couldn't identify, wasn't revolted and didn't enjoy the story very much.

While the story was told mainly in first person, it sometimes shifted without warning to third person, which was a little jarring. While a month isn't exactly four weeks I presume the author intended to say the pay would be $576 per month rather than saying $576 per week. An editor would likely have picked that up.

Your math skills are seriously lacking. 12hrs x $12.00/hr = $144.00/week (before taxes)

Wow! Loved the story. I've always spurned opportunities to cheat and won't befriend those who do. 46 yrs married and counting. 5+ stars.

Math isn't your strong point

You wrote a great story with a great character.

OK so $576 was the monthly amount and not the week, no big deal. And it is date rape not date rate.

Story wise it was good. Nice to see how someone stops the cheating. But what bugged me was the weekly GNO or twice a month or they decide once month. The nurses can do it very night of the week if they want but that does not mean this married woman has to attend them all. She can work one in when her husband or family has other obligations so rather than sit home alone she can go out. But for me I draw the line at how she dressed. A nice dress, sure, but why have to have the matching bra and panties? Who will see them? High heels? Why go some place you need to dress like that. Married woman should not go clubbing with singles where men are to be attracted and then they dance. GNO can still be fun without having to dance with other men.

I am not a prude, or maybe I am, but I know if I had a weekly guys night out where I am my friends went to club with the idea of drinking up a storm, spending money on other women's drinks, dancing and rubbing my hard on on them, my wife would not be happy and accuse me of cheating. Especially of she knew I intended to bed the other woman and even admitted I wanted to bed them.

I hope he finds out. Not to divorce her but to really rub it in her face and put her on notice that he will watch her every move. No more freedom.

Bad arithmetic aside, I thought the wife was vapid and the story boilerplate. She's at a club and immediately loses her fidelity?! What? Did she grow up in 1940? And what's with I need to let down my hair? You do that at home with your friends, not at some club where you don't belong anyway?

The notion that these middle-aged people have the energy or desire to be with 20-year old people really strains credulity. Or that the 20-year olds would even look her way--they speak a completely different language and, frankly, aren't interested in anyone who is outside of their cohort. So, kinda not believable there.

The story just didn't stir the soul. Seemed contrived and written for the author, not the reader.

I see others have already noted the math error, it should be $576/month. If you're going to put numbers in a story, be sure to get them right!

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"Alex seemed a little surprised as Jenna had never mentioned anything to him about wanting to work. Jenna saw the puzzled look on his face she reacted by being a bit put out. She added," - You were telling the story in 1st person, then switched here to 3rd person for no apparent reason! This could have easily been done in 1st person: "Alex seemed a little surprised as I had never mentioned anything to him about wanting to work. I saw the puzzled look on his face. I reacted by being a bit put out. I added," You continued in 3rd person, switched back to 1st, then back to 3rd to show Alex.

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I do think that Alex's reaction is silly. Why should she have to discuss something that she'll be doing during her time? Should she have to discuss joining a gym or a bridge club?

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Why do you keep switching back and forth? Especially for things that could have easily stayed in her 1st person?

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The paragraph that begins, "That night they made slow passionate love," 3rd person, then switches to 1st person with the 3rd sentence. Pick a POV and stick with it!

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"After taxes I netted $876.24. I felt so proud." - Numbers again. Maybe this was supposed to be two weeks pay, but two weeks pay will only GROSS $288, plus most places you won't get paid until the Friday AFTER the pay period ends, so you're not going to get paid for the first two weeks on the second Friday. If she's getting paid weekly, the second Friday should only have the first week, which only grossed $144. Okay, I'll stop now, this is why we use Beta readers, to catch inconsistencies like this.

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They work until 3:30, she works until 3:00, but they get off at the same time?

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"I was perturbed over his lack of trust" - He made it very clear that it had nothing to do with trusting HER.

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So what if the single girls want to do it weekly, that doesn't mean that she has to.

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I have no idea if $2500 is right for a bottle of Dom, but nobody is going to send a $2500 bottle of wine if all that they expect are some dances!

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I don't buy this "deepest urges" bull shit.

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Yeah, right, the Pussy Hound suddenly develops a conscience.

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With so many POV's, Jenna, Alex and a lengthy Simon, this should have been told in 3rd person.

A married woman going to a girl's night out with ALL single friends should have sent up hundreds of red flags to Alex. Nothing good is ever going to come out of it. The single women are going to act and behave much differently than any married woman should. And none of it is going to pass the husband's acceptable wife behavior standard.

I was going to comment on your lack of math skills, but 3 0f 4 commenters beat me to it.

good fiction with an unrealistic but happy ending

Good story line. I assumed your math was ok, but it would be $576 per month (4 weeks) not per week.

A recurring notion in LW is the weak willed female easily led to cheat on her devoted spouse. In reality, mature married women have plenty of resistance to pussy hounds and are only “seduced” when they want to be. The same can be said for most mature

married men. But, what the heck, it’s fiction and spices up a story. She was lucky to have encountered a man of integrity instead of a lounge lizard.

An original plot line.

Well done.

Cheers

OK but the switching of point-of-view was disconcerting.

actually math for payroll is not $576.00 per month.....Average month for a payroll is 4.3 weeks. need to slow down on the writing.....look it over more. No biggie.....but mistakes like this drag from a story. Keep writing. Can only give it a 4. If there was more I would have rated it higher

Original. I like original. 5*

The basic plot idea was creative, but the execution left a lot to be desired. LW is littered with stories in which the writers create women with no true moral agency, and the "alpha male" nonsense is a vomit worthy cliche. There's more that hurt the story (the "Rainforest Math" is the least of it). Fortunately, this author usually does better.

good story, good read and something positive... nice work

Nice fairy tale but in the wrong place! 2 *

So, basically she was more than ready to be a cheating whore, until a much more decent person saved her. I wonder who will be around the next time to 'save her' from herself?

Good twist. Please check your math. After two weeks she should have been paid $288 before taxes. How could she get over $800? Otherwise decent story.

Kenny, I see everyone has jumped on board to correct your math problem on her wages, my problem would be your costs for the alcohol. If you managed to get 5 glasses out of a bottle of Dom, with the introduction of five more drinkers at the table and two hours of drinking before she went home, Simon would have been out $20,000.00 just to get his four guys laid. Now that's a hell of a bonus.

Very wordy soliloquy

Jenna cheated. No real repentance other than gratitude she didn't get caught, this time. Agree, this was a martian slut ray story. No way a guy that goes to a club like that gets a guilty conscience with a willing slut.....

Very wholesome and proper. Certainly know what Simon was saying was true. She was indeed fortunate to have hooked up with him. It does not however fit with the direction we reader want it to go.

So she didn’t say no, she was ready to be a slut. She will cheat if she hasn’t already

Remedial math - F

Dialogue - D

Story premise - B

Cute story. But what I really want to say is, I REALLY WANT A JOB LIKE THAT! A 12 hr. job earning $12.00 per hr. earns $576.00 per week and nets $876.24? I got to get a job like that PLEASE! OK I guess I've busted on you enough. There were other mistakes in the story. Some grammatical some time line errors but it was cute so I gave it 4 stars. Get someone to proof read your stories. If there any good they, would spot all the mistakes in the story.

Ok story, went pretty quick. One night and after being warned by her husband, really. I would have like it more if the husband setup this test or maybe Simon called her husband, and as soon as she nodded yes, have Simon say Hi Alex, who happens to be standing behind her. Could have gotten another page after that. Either way I would never trust her again and maybe even divorce her, because she just cheated. Just not physically

I stopped reading after the constantly changing POVs. First it 1st Person from Jenna's POV, then 3d, then back to 1st , then.. Well, the pattern kept repeating.

Constant shift from past to present tense -- sometimes in the middle of a single paragraph -- was confusing at best. Beyond that, the story was awfully preachy.

Someone saved my life tonight by Elton John is a song,

- charitably about a gay man being talked out of a marriage to a woman

- not so charitably a shrew of a woman

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Not about a slut being talked out of engaging in being a slut, who keeps her sluts friend secretes so said second cheating slut can still marry a rich doctor who would dump her if he knew his fiancé was a slut

OK, a good story outline, but a bit rushed at the end. The biggest problem was the switching of first and third person, even within the same paragraph. Go through and edit it again, looking out for who the narrator is (or switch to third person and have their thoughts in single quotes) and expand the night club seduction so that is isn’t so rushed, and this could turn out to be a much better story.

Very good story with an interesting twist on loving wives. I don’t remember anything like it on LW.

Thanks

Okay... the math error and the "...rumbling, stumbling, bumbling..." (Chris Berman R.I.P.) POV notwithstanding, you get 5+ stars for sheer, absolute originality!

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One of the BEST stories ever. Of course, the BTBAAC Cabal has already adjudicated her guilty beyond all redemption, hope or forgiveness, because she had the temerity to stumble a bit. The BTBAAC Cabal also would've also stoned the Virgin Mary...

It was an unusual story with a different ending. Kudos.

I'm not going to detail the things other people have mentioned, but you might want to consider your paragraph where you lovingly gave the complete details of every nurse's bust, waist and hip size. If you think about it, it brought nothing to the story really, and they could have simply been described as busty or plump or buxom, skinny or rail-then or even tits-on-a-stick, or average. Putting all those numbers together for very little return made it seem like a maths problem: if Penny is 28 waist and Jane has a chest of 44 inches and Laura wears C-cup bras, what colour clothing are they wearing? It made me stop and consider if I wanted to read further. I did, but it came close.

Just a suggestion.

While the plot was good, you still wrote a wife that would not be faithful in the future. She was as easy as a 2 dollar hooker so quickly that it would have been better the husband be told.

That band aid should have been ripped right off by Simon. The poor husband will live a lie, thinking the foundation of their marriage was solid, and wife would live a life hiding the fact that that foundation no longer truly exists.

Somebodies already commented on it I dont believe mathematics was your calling as 12 times 12 equals 144 not 576.

Excellent story! 5 stars.

Decent premise. But the switching from first to third person then back again was kind of jarring.

Math lesson: $12/hour x 12 hours/week = $144/week.

"Go see Laura Angstrom in human resources. Bring you(sic) driver's license and social security card. You start on Monday. Laura and I go way back. She said it doesn't matter if you are a convicted felon, a drug addict, or a child molester because she is my friend."

LWlurker

There sure are a lot of guys on this site with big, beautiful breasts,

I don't know why, but your story clicked in my head and I found myself wondering, "What would a wife say if her husband wanted to go out regularly with the guys, drink, dance with other women,..." For generations, these husbands have been roundly criticized. When wives do it under the guise of wanting to fit in and be social with the other women, they really aren't any different. Of course, many wives go out for the occasional and innocent girls night out and behave.

I’m sorry, but I couldn’t get through the first page due to the hopping around from first person perspective to third person perspective…sometimes in the same paragraph. I know I’m being picky, but basic grammar is important to make a story readable. Perhaps you can use one of the editors in the future to help you out. Good luck in the future.

Great story. I blew up two relationships acting like Don Juan. I payed for it for the rest of my productive life. Then I was paid back when my third wife blew up our marriage from lust. In the fantasy world of Literotica it is good to see a cautionary tale. Good job, except the math :)

She was gone, but a good man stopped her fall. Unusual for a Loving Wives story, but I enjoyed it. She was surprisingly easy to seduce, and with anyone other than Simon she would have ruined her marriage and life.

silly and predictable with number of details that don't mesh. Sounds like some of the lesser Brit writers-dialogue is stiff and unrealistic. Poor effort

Great story. Please keep writing.

$876.24 / 12 hrs = $73.02 an hour after taxes!!!!!

Major errors an still on page 1.......................

Who the fuck speaks like these people, especially if they've been drinking?

Usual disappointment.

The wife's character is portrayed differently to the outcome. She did what she confidently claim she won't do, yet there's no consequence of it. Nothing says she is repentant. Not convinced she won't do it again, but I'm convinced she still wasn't caught.

This Simon dude suddenly felt guilty? Really?

What level of a cuck asking his wife, "Did you dance with any handsome men?" Come on. If you want readers to sympathize with your character, don't write dumb bullshit like that. She's not his single daughter for him to tease with that line, especially after what actually happened.

Story could be better if executed properly. Right now, this is just a common trope in LW. Independent woman who don't have moral agency, a clueless husband, and a supposed 'alpha'.

Sometimes even good wives wander by mistake. Just as husbands wander by mistake. Would the wife really cheat? If the situation happened again would she give in? Only the writer knows. Its their story.

I see Legio still hasn't find his balls in the rainbow 🌈 colored world he lives in and is still whining about men that do have balls. Get some of your follow RAAC Cabal wankers to see if maybe you can find a set or two.

She fell for this guy and was willing to throw away everything for some sex so quickly. Who is this guy, the devil? If women were that easy there would be no point in marriage. Thankfully we are not that easy, and portraying us as such, sucks. And who goes clubbing at 7pm?

So lets all not forget the only reason that the guy did not take the cheating wife to bed was he knew who she was from the guys photo on the desk and his talking about his wife. If this was any other "charming" man she would be in his bed that night in a new york minute. Also, if it was any other woman that guy would have bed her as soon as he could. It was only that one circumstance that stopped it. Neither are without sin.

Legio_Patria_Nostra' comment that THIS story..... is "THE BeST STORY EVER WRITTEN IN LOW" tells everyone that guy has a screw loose

NO. Just no. The husbands's caution meant NOTHING.

zero

His words had NO value

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This is what what professional idiots like Legio_Patria_Nostra' dont get

Maths is wrong - 12 hour x $12 = $144 every 4 weeks = $576

She was paid at the end of her 2nd week $876.24 after taxes so you're sticking to $576 a week for 12 hours work. I'd like a job there.

Shifting perspectives were confusing move from 1st to 3rd from one sentence to the next.

Wonder if Alex was aware of what Simon had done given his curious question about dancing with handsome men.

She was tempted, seriously tempted she can't be trusted to go out unchaperoned. And her and Simon have their dirty little secret, not a great start to a friendship.

I hate this type of fantasy story. So Simon needs to tell Alex and let him make his own decision. The slut was warned, kept putting herself in danger, and continued her fall, even doubling down on the outcome trying to make a night of it. She is a slut by nature, hubby is an idiot, and it will happen again. Had I the talent, I would continue it with Simon telling Alex and watching the real drama unfold. ???

A successful businessman would not attempt to keep secret an accidental meeting with the spouse of an important colleague. If Alex ever learned of Simon spending a somewhat intimate evening with his wife before they supposedly met for the first time at Simon's home, the blatant secrecy and deception involved would destroy both their business and personal relationships despite the fact no sex occurred. Both marriages would be forcefully shaken. This would be a foolish risk to take and people do not achieve success by taking foolish chances.

Legio. You lost any of the little credibility you may have had by saying this was one of the "best" stories ever. Best stories ever seem to be common place with you as I know of at least a dozen other stories you said the exact same thing.

26thNC, disagree with you. It wasn't a good man that stopped her fall, It was a bad guy that suddenly have guilty conscience. If he didn't recognize her, he would have gone through.

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An as usual, fine literature elitist Legio_Patria_Nostra would rather group criticizing commenters into a cabal than accept that the story is not "One of the BEST stories ever".

I wouldn't even comment on his stupidity with that Virgin Mary comment.

-JuanC.

I stopped after the silly math mistake.

Another LW story that introduces women by their bra size. Jesus. On top of that, the dialogue is wooden, and the plot is sexist, with Alex and Simon giving condescending lectures on proper deportment to the little lady.

Excellent. Thank you for sharing this tale it's rare to find truly highly moral men living on the edge. Although I do believe they exists. This story also illustrates how men and women can be compromised by cheap thrills. Why did God make sex so powerful?

Very good with a real feel . Even people who think they would never cheat can of put in a tempting position to often . The few married hanging with the young single girls who think getting laid is ok for one night stands. Also guys are just 99% of the time animals who will try to fuck anything married or not if they can get away with it

Ok ladies and gentlemen, pass it forward.

I really liked the story, but the ramdom switches from first to third person was awkward. Also, spelling and word choices were off several times.

But keep trying.

I gave this a 5 Star rating if only for the way the intervention was created and a story that kept my attention to the end. The story of a loving husband who does his best the let his wife find herself but knows how dangerous the path ahead can become. Yet she decides to go down that path. I wanted to see how she faired.

There were two items that caught my attention: first was a switch of POV during the dialogue and a minor spelling error (I hate spell check) but the first problem I found was Sarah's salary. Lets see; four hours for three days a week (12 hrs.) at $12 an hour ($144) with 4 weeks in a month would be $576 a month not a week. And after taxes she could hope to bring $350.

I still enjoyed this story and hope there are real men out enjoying a night with his work team and not looking for a susceptible woman to bed down before sending her home to a trusting husband.

I'm not sure it happens this way, though it would be nice if it would.

What a pleasant surprise, a new storyline!

What a different story, you have real talent keep it up!

Random changes in POV and spelling errors were super distracting.

Unreadable due to truckloads of PoV errors.

Great story! Bad editing.

A lot of errors but I knew I wasn't reading Hemingway to begin with. I found it an excellent five star story.

Personally I found this story to be very heavy handed. 3 stars.

Penny, although apparently a doting mom and wife, seems to be pretty into herself. When Alex didn't jump up and down congratulating her on her new job and later tried to warn her about the sleazy, predatory men out there prowling the clubs looking to get laid, she took his concerns as controlling, selfish and not supportive. Turns out, everything Alex warned her about, she ignored and was saved by Simon despite herself. By the way, what a coincidence that Simon happened to be at the club, and Simon happened to be the person her husband was negotiating with on a big M & A deal and Simon happened to recognize her from a picture Alex had on his desk at work. Then the Simon and Alex families become fast friends with Simon and Penny keeping their little secret between themselves.

I have to admit that I expected Simon to be a plant by Alex to test Penny's fidelity. Turns out he was Penny's white knight and guardian angel all rolled into one.

Many commenters have pointed out the math errors concerning Penny's pay, but very few have mentioned the drink prices in 'The Vibe'. Dom Perignon retails for maybe $200 with vintage maybe twice that. You have to be spending someone else's money to pay $2,500 a bottle. The drink prices were also unbelievable. I'll stick to tap beer at my favorite bar.